Mummy polar bear and baby polar bear are walking through the tundra.
Mummy says "what's up son, you look troubled"
Baby replies "mummy, am I a real polar bear"
"Yes silly, why do you ask?" Mummy replies...
"Because I'm fucking freezing"
During a custody battle between a divorced couple for their child, a man asks the judge "If you put a coin in the vending machine and get a soda, who owns the soda? You or the vending machine?"
My Dad's old favorite still brings a laugh.
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
They were married for almost 25 years. She, coming from a very conservative family, had always demanded, that the lights be off during sex, which actually suited him fine. As a boy he had suffered from a viral infection, which had left him infertile and impotent. Under cover of the dark, he had always been able to hide that with the help of an eight inch strap-on. She never caught on.
Never, until she, after several weeks of secretly reading the stories on lush, and after another satisfying evening of playing in the dark, finally worked up the courage to wake him up with a blowjob.... And found plastic and silicone in stead of flesh and skin. Angry, she rudely woke him up, tugging on his strap-on and shouting: "Would you care to explain this!?!?"
He smiled and said: "I will, but first please explain our three kids".
A little kindness can be so valuable, yet costs almost nothing
In many countries being gay is a crime, and even in modern societies, politicians try to legalise discrimination. Your voice can make a difference. Have a look at All Out to find out how.
Hey... pssst.... that's an l (as in luscious) at the end of my name, not an i ever see an asshole wrapped in plastic look at your drivers license
A woman went into a pet store, saw a parrot, and asked to buy it.
The man at the counter said, "I don't think you want that one, it used to live in a whore house." The woman replied, "I don't care I'll take it."
She brought the parrot home and the parrot said, "New house, new master."
The woman's daughter came home and the woman said, "I got us a parrot." The parrot said, "New house, new master, new whores."
The woman's husband came home and the woman said, "Honey I got us a parrot."
The parrot said, "New house, new master, new whores, Hi Paul!"
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar; and the bar man says: 'is this some kind of joke?'
A married business man was having sex with a huge BBW he had found on the internet. After fisting her to a climax he noticed his wedding ring was missing from his finger. Gently he re-inserted his hand and started feeling around for the missing ring. When he found nothing, he pushed in a little further, and further. When he still found nothing, he tried, succesfully to insert his other arm too. Using both hands he felt around every spot and fold he could reach. Still nothing. So he pushed a bit further still, and further, and further, until, to his amazement, he felt that even his feet were inside now. And still he hadn't found his ring. Then, unexpectedly, he felt a hand. On closer inspection the hand belonged to an Arab, who asked him, what he was looking for. "My wedding ring", said the business man. "Good luck", said the Arab, " I've been trying to find back my camel for three weeks now".
A little kindness can be so valuable, yet costs almost nothing
In many countries being gay is a crime, and even in modern societies, politicians try to legalise discrimination. Your voice can make a difference. Have a look at All Out to find out how.
Hey... pssst.... that's an l (as in luscious) at the end of my name, not an i I was thinking of using a joke in the middle of a story as a 'metaphoric half-time'. Let me known what you think.
Three guys find an old glass bottle in the sand at an isolated beach. They open it and smoke pours out and a djinn appears. It says, "Thank you for releasing me from my eternal prison. To show you my appreciation, I will grant you each one wish; but be careful what you wish for. This kind of powerful magic is very specific with its interpretations of your desires."
The first man says, "I want five successful car dealerships worth more than five million dollars each." The djinn waved his hand and *poof*, five deeds to the most successful car dealerships in the city where in his hands. He checked and they were all legal and in his name. He jumps into the air and yells triumphantly, "I'm rich!"
The next friend observes, "You have always been stuck on the monetary value of things in your life. Money can't buy happiness." He then turned to creature he had helped release and said, "I wish for a girl friend that loves me, is beautiful, and intelligent. A woman who wants to spend her life with me as equal, loving partners in our relationship." The djinn waved his hand and *poof*, standing next to the man is super model Gigi Hadid. She puts her arms around him and passionately kisses him. He then smiles and says, "There are more important things than money in life."
the third man was the most competitive and driven of the three friends. He needed to prove he was better than they. The looked at the djinn and said, "Money, fame, and love will always come to those that deserve it. I want to be the best! I want to be better than any other man in the world." The djinn waved his hand and *poof*, he was turned into a woman.
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'
'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mum brought the iced tea.
'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
'Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the local cafe, maybe take a walk on the beach...'
'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.
'Really?' Fred asked, eyebrows rose.
'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'
'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
'Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'The Twist, Dammit! It's called the Twist! '
Dave Smith is on his death bed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in London.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of his holdings. As Dave slips away, the nurse says to his wife,
"Mrs. Smith, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property..............
"Property ??", Sarah Smith replies. " The bastard had a paper round."
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin - in every way'
The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the hotel bedroom, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'
He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....'Look at this, .....still in the CRATE!'
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and
asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed
me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring
a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!
You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news.
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there." ..and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking
at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have;
a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in St Tropez , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Los Angeles.
There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back!!!!!"
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