A good defense attorney should be able to get an acquittal on this one. I'd vote for not guilty by reason of insanity.
At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with an explanation."
The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story:
"Your Honor," I said,
"I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept.
I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier
smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned,
'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist,
then slip on this gown. Everything clear?'
I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.'
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left
and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so
we can get everything?' 'Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and
out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck
and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity
(with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square
glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off!
'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.'
Belinda said, and headed for the door.
'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open
so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'
Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared.
And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me ... half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.'
'You bet, take care' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no
attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The
power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went
to lunch. Are we upset?'
"And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her snippy little head ended up between the clamps...."
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