Funny Stuff

I can’t come up with anything to match the two above…really funny!

So a man went for a job interview. Up until the final question it was going quite well. The boss asked him what he thought his biggest weakness was. He told the boss that he thought it was his total honesty. The boss said that he didn't consider total honesty to be a weakness. The man replied, I don't give a fuck what you think.

Little Susan had been attending "Big Church" for some weeks now having graduated from children's church. Everything was new to her, of course, but she tried to make sense of it. One thing had her perplexed, though, so she asked her mother. "Mom, what does it mean when the preacher takes off his watch at lays it there on the pulpit?" Her mom replied, "Not a thing, dear, not a thing."

I love it!

I don't know but....

A guy sees a woman buying 2 hot dogs and eating each one in one gulp without even chewing.

He thinks "wow if she's able to down those big hot dogs that way, her blowjobs must be incredible!"

So he starts to flirt with her and, one thing leading to another, they end up in a hotel room.

The guy sits on the side on the bed and she crouches in front of him.

She starts to suck and the guy enjoys her abilities for a moment, she takes him deep and sucks hard.

But after a minute, the guy screams "Stop! Stop sucking that hard dammit! I've got half the duvet stuffed up my butt!"

How is going down on a woman, like talking to one?

One slip of the tongue and you end up in the shitter.

Lol

During a trip to Israel, Donald Trump died of a heart attack. Israeli officials informed the American diplomatic mission, that they could arrange for the body to be repatriated to the US for $50,000, or for a funeral in Israel, which would could cost about $1,500. After some deliberation, the diplomats chose for repatriation, at which the Israelis asked:
"Why would you spend some much money, when you could save $48,500?"
"Well," the American top diplomat said:

"Some two thousand years ago, you buried another guy here, and he came back to life in only three days. We can't take that risk."

Three guys on an expedition into the rainforest get captured by savages.

They're told they will be eaten unless they can fulfill two challenges.

First challenge, they are to go, accompanied by tribe warriors, into the forest and come back with 100 fruits.

After a while, only two of them are back, the third a no-show. One brought back nuts, the other strawberries.

The chief explains the next challenge, they will be stuffed the 100 fruits up the ass and if they manage to keep a poker face all along, then they'll be spared.

Both guys remain completely imperturbable until the 99th fruit is shoved into their butt and they both burst out laughing.

"You were just one fruit away from living!" Said the chief...

"Yeah, but we just saw our friend coming back with a hundred coconuts!"

Every morning on his newspaper round, Jantje passed through Amsterdam's famous red light district, and every morning this one hooker greeted him, raising her little finger and telling him: "Good morning Jantje".
This went on for a long time, until curiousity compelled Jantje to ask her: "Why do you do that every morning?"

"Well" she said, "You're a nice lad, so I like to wish you a good morning".

"Yes, I get that, but why do you raise your little finger every time?"

"Oh, that's because you're still a boy, so you're probably not very big yet, down there."

"Oh" said Jantje and, as he hooked his fingers in the corners of his mouth and pulled it wide, added: "Goowd mowning toow youw toow then."

"Mom, my boyfriend has dandruff. What can I do?"

"Just give him Head & Shoulders!"

"Ok... But how do you give shoulders?"

Quote by TheMonster

"Mom, my boyfriend has dandruff. What can I do?"

"Just give him Head & Shoulders!"

"Ok... But how do you give shoulders?"

Lol

A gorgeous young female maths teacher lands herself a job at an all-boy's high school.

The first day is bad, because her senior maths class mostly ignores her and start playing up.

Second day is even worse, because all the boys ignore her completely and play up even more.

She goes to the school Principal in tears and explains the situation "...I don't think I'm cut out for this ..."

"Well look," said Mr Crutchley, speaking with decades of experience, "these days, what with computers, the internet and what-not, schoolboys of this age need something to grab their attention. Put some thought into it, I'm sure you'll find a solution."

On the third day, the Principal walks into her class to see how she's doing: finds her naked on a table, being fucked in both orifices by two boys, while sucking off another: the rest of the class are waiting in line, erections in hand.

"Ms Pringle! This is OUTRAGEOUS!" yelled the principal

"But Mr Crutchley, I've got their attention."

.

A guy comes into work and tells some of his colleagues that the previous night he found a bar with toilets made of gold.

His colleagues start poking fun at him saying he must have hallucinated.

The guy concedes he was very drunk but is adamant the place exists.

So after work, they all head out and start visiting the bars the guy went to the previous day.

They walk in the first bar...

"Excuse me, is it here that there are gold toilets?"

The waiter laughs, "No, and I won't serve you, I think you've drunk enough already..."

In the 5 next bars, they get similar answers. They walk into the sixth...

The guy asks the waitress, "Excuse me, is it here that there are gold toilets?"

The waitress opens her mouth to answer but then she seems to connect the dots.

She turns towards the back of the bar and shouts, "John! The dumbass who shat in your saxophone is back!"

.

Three novices are sitting outside mother superior’s chamber, waiting for the final test before they can become real nuns. The first one is called in and, after some deep and serious conversation, mother superior says:

“One last question; what would you do, if you were out in a park and a man dragged you into the bushes to you?”

Novice: “I’d hold down my habit as good as I could, scream out loud and try to tun.”

Mother superior: “That’s a good answer, you’ll become a full nun during tomorrow’s morning mass.”

Then it was the second novice’s turn, and at the end of the conversation, she got the same question. Her answer:

“I’d fight as hard as I could to protect my innocence”

That answer was also good enough for mother superior and she invited in the third novice. They had the conversation and of course it ended with the same question. The novice answered:

“I’d lift up my skirts as high as I could.”

“What???” the astonished mother superior gasped.

“Yes. And then I’d tell him to lower his trousers.”

“What???” mother superior managed to repeat, almost fainting.

“Yes.” the novice said, “and then we’ll see who can run faster”.

A young man tries to sneak back into his home long after his curfew but, while silently trying to reach his bedroom, he is confronted by his angry father, who shouts at him:

“Where did you come from? You promised to be home by midnight!”.

“Sorry dad”, the young man replies, “I completely forgot the time. I had sex for the first time tonight”.

“Son, sit down, we have to drink to that!”

“Uhm dad... I can’t sit just yet..”

Quote by patokl

A young man tries to sneak back into his home long after his curfew but, while silently trying to reach his bedroom, he is confronted by his angry father, who shouts at him:

“Where did you come from? You promised to be home by midnight!”.

“Sorry dad”, the young man replies, “I completely forgot the time. I had sex for the first time tonight”.

“Son, sit down, we have to drink to that!”

“Uhm dad... I can’t sit just yet..”

🤣🤭🤭😬🙄

A guy gets out of his home one morning and up in the tree on his front lawn sees a huge gorilla looking at him angrily.

He gets back inside and calls 911, but when he explains that there's an enormous angry gorilla in his tree, the 911 guy laughs, says gorilla don't climb in trees and hangs up.

The guy thinks for a while and decides to call the local zoo. The person who answer says the gorilla's theirs and he'll send someone to take care of it.

Half an hour later, the doorbell rings.

"Sorry to have to ask this but given Maliki's current location, I'd need a little help to catch him."

The guy is a bit afraid, but finally agrees to help.

The animal catcher walks back to his car, takes a ladder, handcuffs, a pittbull and a rifle out. He hands the rifle to our guy.

"So, let me explain the plan: first I'll put the ladder against the tree, then I'll shake the branch on which Maliki's perched. Once he falls down, the dog is trained to bite his balls, so the gorilla will put both hands over his crotch. That's when I'll jump on him and handcuff him."

"Okay, but the rifle is useless in that plan, why did you hand it to me?"

"Useless? It's the most important security! If I was to fall from the ladder, you gotta kill the dog!"

Three nuns were standing at the bus stop, when a streaker ran past them. Two of the nuns had a stroke, the third nun wasn't fast enough.

.

On a dark night, returning through the countryside from a Republican convention, a bus full of politicians, left the road, overturned twice and crashed into a farm.

The farmer woke up scared and went to see what happened. When faced with the aftermath of the crash, he quickly started digging a hole and buried the bodies.

A few days later, an investigator knocked on his door and asked several questions about the accident.

"And where are the politicians?"

"I buried them in that grave over there."
"But, were they all dead?"
"Well… some said they weren't… but you know how politicians lie!"

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bar tender says, "I have a drink named after you."

Grasshopper looked at him and said, " You have a drink named Dave". (best I have, at the moment)

When God created Adam and Eve, he said to them:

I have two gifts to give you- one is to pee standing up and...

Adam, very anixous, interrupted him screaming

ME! ME! I want it, please Lord...please...please

This would make life a lot easier!

Eve agreed and said those things do not matter to her.

So God gave Adam the gift.

Adam was amazed, screaming for joy, running through the garden of eden,

peeing on every tree. He ran along the beach making drawings with his pee in the sand.

He lit a fire and played fireman.....

God and Eve watched Adam until Eve ask God: and what was the other preasent?

God answered:

A brain Eve.... The brain is yours....

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL

HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."

Arguing with a woman is strangely similar to a Software license agreement.

In the end, everyone ignores it all and just says "I agree"...

AT home, I always have the last word: "Yes dear".