Aries March 21 - April 19
You will see remarkable growth and success in 2008. Sadly, what you won't see is that gasoline truck careening your way.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The hands of fate will lead you to new answers in March. Then, when nobody is looking, they will touch you in an inappropriate place.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will be filled with life in the coming year, thanks to roughly 4,000 spider eggs and a sudden temperature rise in your inner ear.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Don't get discouraged if things don't go your way during the first half of the year. There will be plenty of time for that during the second half of the year.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Be wary of advice from untrustworthy sources this coming June—or maybe it's July. No, wait, it's definitely June. Yeah.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
After months of carrying it around, you'll suddenly lose all that excess weight midway through your second trimester.
Libra September 23 - October 23
The stars would tell you to spend more time with loved ones this year, but that pretty much eliminates everyone in your life.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Remember when you were a little kid and your father went completely insane that one year? Well, the whole thing will feel strangely familiar to you around August.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Like a shooting star, so too will your outer extremities ignite while hurdling through the earth's atmosphere in May.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
After years of loyalty and hard work, you'll be replaced by an actual metal cog this coming September.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
While faith has always guided you in life, it will soon leave you with nowhere to turn in death.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Love awaits you where you least expect it in 2008—anatomically speaking, that is.
~Courtesy The Onion
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