http://living.scotsman.com/index.cfm?id=1189112007The Big 'Oh!' and how to get it
JESSICA KIDDLE
'AS HE was my first proper boyfriend, at first I didn't realise anything was wrong," says 33-year-old Sophie Adams. "But the more we had sex, the more I realised something was missing. It was just a bit... non-eventful. I started to question whether I was doing it right. Before long, I began to dread going to bed with him."
This attractive teacher's relationship with her long-term boyfriend - her first sexual partner, whom she'd met at university - was, on the surface, a happy one. However, it lacked one thing: an orgasm.
The Big O, that earth-shattering, internal fireworks display which can make us see shooting stars, a rainbow of colours, or simply feel the need to scream the house down, is not an everyday topic of conversation. However, as we celebrate National Orgasm Day today, we say it is high time that the subject was visited, because Sophie is certainly not alone in having been unable to hit her sexual high.
Their husbands and boyfriends might not be aware of it (around one in three women are thought to regularly fake an orgasm, and 90 per cent of men admit they can't tell the difference between the faked version and the real thing), but some 70 per cent to 80 per cent of sexually active women do not regularly climax through penetrative sex with their partner (although they may do so by other means, of which more later). Even more worrying is the UK Study of Sexual Functioning, which says 13 per cent of women currently do not orgasm at all.
So why can an orgasm - which, thanks to an emphasis on dramatic bedroom explosions portrayed in Hollywood blockbuster films and TV dramas, has become the holy grail of every sexual encounter - be such an elusive thing?
According to Dr Petra Boynton, a London-based sex and relationships psychologist and the sex editor of the online magazine www.mansized.co.uk strictly speaking it is not elusive. She claims most women can orgasm every time through masturbation (though many, like Sophie, lack the confidence to try).
"If a woman achieves orgasm through masturbation then [clearly] she can orgasm," she says. "Problems commonly occur, however, when you introduce a partner into the equation." But is it fair simply to blame the man's technique? Boynton says there are many ways in which an additional person can ruin the prospect of an orgasm, the most common one being that often, when there are two in the bed, the clitoris gets ignored.
"Often a women can enjoy what is classed as foreplay - the kissing and the touching - but as soon as their partner goes for full intercourse, all that tends to stop," she says. "The clitoris is not something that gets talked about a lot in sex education or the media and, as a result, many couples do not realise it's the key to a woman's orgasm. It's a very big organ and it's just there for pleasure, so it seems strange to ignore it."
It may also be that a woman is embarrassed about having sex, or is bored with doing it in the same position every time, or perhaps other issues - stress, low self-esteem - are creeping into the bedroom which prevents her from climaxing. "Anything which distracts you from the job in hand will make an orgasm less likely," she says.
Whatever the reason, Boynton stresses the importance of not obsessing over an orgasm's quality, or even its presence, because this is not an abnormal situation - according to the Social Organisation of Sexuality study, compared with 75 per cent of men, only 28.6 per cent of women always have an orgasm during intercourse.
"Some women labour under the misconception that sex should automatically lead to climax and tend to assume that there is something wrong with them when it doesn't happen," she says. "They [think] they should just pull themselves together, buy a sex toy or go to their GP in an attempt to 'fix' the problem, when what they should do is realise it's perfectly normal.
"Often, the more they think about the problem, the worse it gets, because then they can't enjoy sex at all. Instead of worrying, they need to relax and enjoy what their body feels like when they're having sex, rather than obsessing about having a mind-blowing orgasm."
The renowned biologist Alfred Kinsey, who was a pioneer in the field of sexual research, insisted that an orgasm should not be the only criteria on which your sex life, or your relationship, is judged. Instead, he stressed the importance of recognising you can still gain pleasure from that plateau of heightened sexual arousal which usually, but not always, comes before the big O.
But what can you do if you're stuck on a sexual plateau for months, or even years? The topic can be increasingly difficult to bring up, leaving partners feeling either rejected or inadequate. This is often where relationship trouble starts.
"Although I told myself it was perfectly normal, I didn't feel I could talk to my boyfriend or anyone about it, so I carried this embarrassing secret around for years," says Sophie Adams. "I went through a phase of suggesting we try different things [in bed], but when that didn't work, I became very disinterested in sex. Ultimately it was one of the things that drove us apart."
Sophie and her boyfriend split up, and her "problem" resolved itself once she found a new partner, some five years after she first started having sex.
Pauline Brown, a Glasgow-based sex and relationship psychotherapist, says that she sees many clients in Sophie's situation. "If a woman can orgasm but not with her partner, there are often trust or safety issues at play, or there may be some personal issues that prevent her from letting go," she says. "The problem can become ingrained and hard to resolve, which is why relationship therapy is often needed."
The key is to stop it getting to this stage. Women searching for an orgasm first need to stop questioning themselves and start questioning the kind of sex they're having. Having an orgasm with a partner shouldn't be difficult, but it can be if a woman cannot identify her sexual requirements or communicate them effectively.
If you think you fall into this category, Boynton says, it's important to make sure you know what an orgasm is - or, more precisely, what your own orgasm feels like.
Officially defined as "an involuntary contraction of the vaginal muscles" (though this description does not truly do justice to the experience), an orgasm is different things to different women. For some, it is always going to be more of a pleasurable whimper than a big, loud bang. But you need to identify what yours feels like, and once you know what you're aiming for, find out the best way of achieving one.
This will involve a certain amount of experimentation. As Boynton points out, many women feel that masturbation is dirty, or that by doing it they are being disloyal to their partner. In fact, it is a vital part of becoming sexually fulfilled, because it's only once you've worked out what pushes you over that sexual plateau that you can show your partner how to get you there.
However, if your other half is unaware that he is not pushing your buttons in bed, Boynton says it is not a good idea to suddenly announce it: "I wouldn't recommend saying, 'Hey, up until now I've always faked.'" Instead, she suggests choosing a time when you are getting on well to gently introduce the topic. Buy a book or a magazine (Boynton recommends Dr Sprinkle's Spectacular Sex, by Annie Sprinkle), which will introduce the more neutral concept of making changes in the bedroom.
"Bring up something you have read and would like to try," she says.
"This may include buying a lubricant or a toy, as well as trying new positions and techniques. If you are honest, and approach the topic as something you could explore together, then they are likely to be receptive to the idea."
As an emancipated woman, sex should be a pleasure, not a chore - don't you deserve to get the most out of your bedroom gymnastics?
THE SURE-THING SEX POSITION
SEX expert Tracey Cox explains why you and your partner should try altering your perspective in bed: it's a highly effective way to increase your chances of achieving orgasm during penetrative sex.
TURN YOUR BACK ON HIM
The front wall of the vagina is incredibly sensitive - which is why rear-entry feels great for women. Here are the good reasons to sacrifice the benefits of face-to-face positions (such as kissing) for other delights (orgasms). Thought I might convince you!
To activate a G-spot orgasm
Him-from-behind positions alter the angle of the vagina and give him a direct shot. Try to arch your back as far as you can, widening your legs so his penis has perfect access. If he's hitting the right spot and continues to thrust, the first reaction you'll have may well be a need to pee because the G-spot is near the urethra (through which urine passes). Hang on and the sensation will pass, and turn into an orgasmic wave that washes over you.
For fantasy paradise
There's no eye contact, so both of you are free to fantasise [sic] about anyone and anything you like. The rear-entry position is wonderfully primitive, so perfect for those slightly dodgy, don't-even-admit-to-your-best-friend-type fantasies that suit "dirty" sex.
