December 8:
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the
season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat
for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes
drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I
love snow!
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December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole
World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had.
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up
the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to
shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry,
we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much
snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see
snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such
a nice man. I’m glad he’s our neighbor.
December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! 8″ last night. The
temperature dropped to *20. The cold makes everything
sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but warmed
up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back
in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.
December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2
extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a
wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.
December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The
wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very
cruel.
December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the
blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at
the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to
her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe
I’m freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20:
Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of
the darn stuff last night.
More shoveling. Took all day. Just got the driveway
doen and the freakin’ snowplow came by twice. He was
grinning. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but
they said they’re too busy playing hockey.
I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store
around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re
out. Might have another shipment in March.
I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or
the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s
lying.
December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold
it probably won’t melt till August.
Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to
shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got
undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to
shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck
for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy.
I think the butthole is lying. Damn drunk.
December 23:
Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to a
whole 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of
the house this morning. What is she…nuts???
Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She
says she did but I think she’s totally lying.
December 24:
6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the
shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever
catch the SOB who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him
through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around
the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and
then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour
and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight
the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her
and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the
freakin’ snowplow.
December 25:
20 more inches of the @#$%^& slop tonight. Snowed in.
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate
the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. Merry
Christmas, Mofo! The wife says I have a bad attitude.
I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a
Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to drown her
in fucking eggnog.
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here?
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, just
as I had enough water and shampoo on my hair.
December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could
cave-in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How
dumb does he think I am? Roof is strong.
December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife
went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.
December 31:
Set fire to what’s left of the house. The heat melted
the snow on the driveway. No more shoveling! Will write when I get to Arizona with the insurance money. Happy New Year!
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Merry Xmas SS wherever you are!
