Irritated woman turns to agony aunt because of husband's sexual fantasies

Dr Luisa Dillner
Saturday March 10, 2007
The Guardian

My partner enjoys telling me his sexual fantasies. They often involve someone who isn't me, which irritates me. Is this something men do more than women?

Most people have sexual fantasies, but that doesn't mean they should share them. Fantasies have the power to be sexually inhibiting as well as liberating. Taking offence at a fantasy, however, invests it with too much meaning: it's just a thought (unless it is depraved, in which case phone the police). A quick search of Amazon reveals more than 1,000 books on sexual fantasies. But it isn't a male preserve - American sexologist Nancy Friday has made a living from her bestselling books on female fantasies, My Secret Garden and Forbidden Flowers.

Studies show that men have more fantasies. A University of Vermont study of 350 people aged 18 to 70 found that 98% of men and 80% of women had sexual fantasies about people who weren't their partner. Which is interesting, as 48% of people in a New York Times poll said it was 'not OK' to fantasise about having sex with someone else. Women were more likely to fantasise about an ex-partner. The longer people had been in a relationship, and the more partners they'd had, the more likely they were to fantasise about someone else.

So you may not like it, but it's normal and you shouldn't feel jealous. The study did find that men who fantasised about other people were more likely to have been unfaithful to their partner. But that doesn't prove one causes the other, so don't get cross.

Men and women may be less aroused by each other's fantasies because they're different. A study in the Journal of Sex Research found that men's fantasies were more explicit, involved more sexual partners and had themes of dominance. Men were also more likely to fantasise about their partners being easily aroused. So your partner is likely to have fantasies in which you are sexually delighted. Tell him these are the only fantasies you're interested in hearing about.