I feel Like I am stuck in a Nightmare

14 May 2010

I feel Like I am Stuck in some-kind of nightmare, and I don't know how to wake up from it. I am doing things, that No one, especially someone, my age should have to do. I am not coping well at all, and I just want everything to go back to how it was a few months ago, before it all started to go wrong. I feel like there is something more I could have done to help my mom, something more I could have done to make sure she still be alive, and well. I feel like I am stuck inside some damn nightmare, and Its impossible to wake up from. Never in a million years, would I expect something like this to happen to me, at least not at this age. My Birthday is coming up, I am going to be 21, I should be Happy, excited, thrilled, but I'm not, all I keep thinking is WHY. WHY WHY. I want some answers, but I don't think I am going to get them anytime soon. Today, I am having a very bad day, and I haven't even been awake for an hour.

14 May 2010

Aly...I wish that I had the words to console you, to explain why all this has happened...but I do not. I know it feels like the your world is collasping around you. Please. please go and talk to a counsler. You may feel like you are alone and no where to turn, but you aren't sweetie. Just take one moment at a time. Deal with the things that you can change and leave the rest for now... Take time for yourself and go seek someone to talk to...PLEASE.
I am here if you ever need to vent...
Holly

14 May 2010

No one can know just what you've lost;
No one can understand the cost;
But when you feel your energy drain,
Please count on us to help ease your pain.

Let us help you cope with grief;
We hope with time you'll feel relief.
We can't replace the one who's gone,
But let our concern help you carry on.

anytime ..we are here for you !

14 May 2010

Aly,
With time the pain will ease and you will be left with happy memories. Until then just one step at a time...one day at a time
Your have some pretty good friends here and you know who they are. Please lean on us and we will help you make out of this dark scary place and back into the light of happiness. Let me know if you need to talk, cry or vent. I'll be here for whatever you need dear.
Your friend,
Jim

14 May 2010

Hey there.. I am relatively new here but I would like to chime in... I do not what exactly you are going through, however I too went through a period of time when I felt the same way you do today. This may or may not help but your SIG took the words right out of my mouth. I know it all seems big.. but the main thing is not to sweat the small stuff. Carp diem, Seize the day! When life gives you a chastity belt, locate your master key biggrin

16 May 2010

I know my situation was nothing compared to the overwhelming grief you are feeling, but I'll share a little. When I got pregnant with my son, I was very much in love eith his father, and thought he was with me. When I told him, he blew up and told me he wanted a paternity test and broke up with me. I went to my brother to tell him, as he was the family member I was closest to, and he moved me in with him and led me out of the dark place I was in. I wanted to die at times it hurt so bad, but I couldn't because of the life inside of me, If you ever need someone to talk to, I can tell you have friends here. I'm here also, if you'd like me to be.

16 May 2010

I feel Like I am Stuck in some-kind of nightmare, and I don't know how to wake up from it. I am doing things, that No one, especially someone, my age should have to do. I am not coping well at all, and I just want everything to go back to how it was a few months ago, before it all started to go wrong. I feel like there is something more I could have done to help my mom, something more I could have done to make sure she still be alive, and well. I feel like I am stuck inside some damn nightmare, and Its impossible to wake up from. Never in a million years, would I expect something like this to happen to me, at least not at this age. My Birthday is coming up, I am going to be 21, I should be Happy, excited, thrilled, but I'm not, all I keep thinking is WHY. WHY WHY. I want some answers, but I don't think I am going to get them anytime soon. Today, I am having a very bad day, and I haven't even been awake for an hour.

I felt the same when my brother died. It isn't the same as losing a mother, but I did have similar thoughts to you. Why? Why MY brother? Why NOW? Why didn't I do more to help him? Why didn't I notice he was in trouble? Why didn't I notice he could leave me so quick, so I could have spent more time with him? Why is he gone and not me? Why this, why that, why everything.

I then realized. Does it even matter? Would it change anything if I understood why? Would it bring him back? Would it ease the pain? Would my life resume as normal? No. It won't. It doesn't change a thing. You can ask why the sun comes up, but it won't change the fact that it comes up. You can ask why is it raining, but it will still rain. There are things that are beyond our control. If we were to sit and question them, it will only depress us as we realize how little we actually do control. Death is a part of life, and it will eventually reach us all. Don't let it take it's toll on you before your time.

I know it's hard. I know you feel alone, you feel empty. You feel like all you want to do is lie down and die. You don't want to feel emotion anymore, neither happiness or grief. You try to keep everything on the outside away from what is going on inside you. You try to keep everything inside you from consuming you and taking over your life. It's a feeling that can't be properly described with mere words. It is something that has to be felt to be known. Something you feel nobody else will ever understand. And they probably won't. But you can't let it beat you. You can't lose yourself in it. It isn't how your mother would want you to live. Even though it feels like it...it isn't how you want to live.

Let it out. In whatever way you have to. Just let it out. All of it. If you need to cry, then cry, cry until you feel like your crying, but there are no tears left. If you need to talk then talk. Talk to a friend, talk to a wall, talk to a diary, a monitor, a hobo. Talk until you can feel your mouth moving but your voice is gone. If you need to break things then break them. Smash them. Demolish them. Fucking burn them if you have to. Just let it all out. There is a part of you that is hesitant to let it out, it is scared what will happen when it comes out, it fears being consumed by it. Don't listen to it. If you don't let it out, it will consume you. So whatever you need to do, do it. However long it takes, DO IT. Even if you hurt a few people's feelings. Do whatever you need to do to get rid of it. Because it is a trap and if you don't get rid of it, it will trap you forever.

When you feel like you just want to be alone. You don't. When you feel like you are a burden on others, you aren't. When you feel like it is unfair for someone else to have to deal with your pain, you are wrong. That is the grief trying to keep you weak. It knows that alone it can manipulate your thoughts. You don't have to go through this alone, so don't. You have family, you have friends, you have us. We will all always be there to help you through this.

Don't feel guilty when you try to get your life back on track. It ISN'T wrong. You have a right to continue living. Your mother wouldn't want you to stop living, so don't. If you want to have some fun, have some fun. If you want to laugh then laugh. Don't let anything inside you tell you otherwise. There is no obligation to remain in sorrow. It doesn't make you heartless. It isn't a betrayal. You won't stop loving your mother if you laugh or have fun. You will always love your mother. Always.

I hope this helps. Remember, you aren't alone in this, so don't try and tackle it alone. If you ever need anything from any of us, just ask. We will help you get through this, no matter how long it takes.

"Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it you can either run from it...or, learn from it." - Rafiki, The Lion King

16 May 2010

Princess.. you have some really good people here telling you some really good things.. as hard as it is to listen when you are grieving you really must.. at 23 when I came home from the Navy.. newly wed.. 4 month old daughter.. I had to take over the care and raising of my 3 brothers and 4 sisters.. I know the feeling of hopelessness.. but in me is the same thing that's in you.. you'll find that strength.. and every now and then you can lean on a friend to catch your breath.. and one other thing.. never pull the drapes.. leave them open.. things look better in the light.. I don't know you.. but felt I should encourage you somehow.. please forgive my intrusion...

16 May 2010

I'm not going to pretend to be a counselor, but any time there is a loved one lost... there is grief... it's perfectly normal. So many people here are offering to talk to you, as will I. I've got broad shoulders and don't mind someone crying on them... for any reason...