Ahahahaha..... These made me laugh so much.
I believe I have a few very bad stories that I wrote back in high school that can't even match these.
Number 9 isn't actually too bad, maybe in context it would be better, but it does convey the fact quite well that the person in the story has a bad vocabulary.
Here are a few more. These came from a teacher friend a while back who posted it on FB.
1)They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
2)He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
3)The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
4)Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
5)Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
I actually thought number 5 was, in fact, awesome.