Sexpectation Survey

I recently had a conversation with a couple of friends in which we questioned our respective expectations/definitions of various elements of a sexual encounter.

Our responses in some cases differed wildly. Perhaps unsurprising given the three of us included a straight male, a gay female and a bisexual female.

I thought I'd pop my Lush Forum cherry by kindly asking a wider audience for their thoughts. I'm curious if we might find a general consensus or if our expectations retain such a spectrum on a wider scale.

Our questions were:

• When does/should foreplay start? Our answers ranged from "at the start of a night" (if we think in terms of a date/random approach in a bar scenario) to "when you're naked"

• How long should foreplay last? (We had as long as necessary to "up to two hours")

• At what stage does it become/what constitutes "having sex"? This was interesting in regards to how it is perceived differently between a straight couple and a gay couple. E.g. my gay friend asked if I would classify it as sex if she were to pleasure herself while her partner "helped to get her off without physically touching". In my ignorent curiosity I asked how she determined the point foreplay ended and "sex" began when making love with another woman.

• How long should sex last (post foreplay)?

• In respect of a straight encounter; is it sex if there's no actual "sexual intercourse"? If so, what makes it sex?

• Would you be left disappointed if a sexual encounter ended without actual intercourse, even if your partner had made you come already?

• What's more important; you or your partner getting off?

• For a guy (either in a straight or gay scenario), if you come and your partner hasn't, do you always make sure they get off too?

Very grateful for any thoughts on some or all of the above. Would also of course be interesting to know from which gender / sexual orientations opinions are coming from.

Cheers!

Nick

A quick note on formatting your survey: Bullet points are tough for both you and the person answering. Hard to keep the questions straight. You might want to swap those to numbers. Now to get into the meat of it:

1. Foreplay is different for different people. Some consider buying dinner a form of foreplay, others it needs to be strictly sexual in nature. It's blurry for me, sometimes I've stumbled into it and not realized I've been engaging in foreplay for hours with my partner (other night is a good example. We had been playing Baldur's Gate 3 which led to a long conversation about what was a good sexual story. I started to give her a massage to help her sleep and it was only when she let out a little moan did I realized it was going somewhere).

2. As long as needed is a great answer. Every couple/situation is different. The blurry lines of what is flirting, foreplay, or just being an attentive partner is hard to peg down.

3. Again, hard to distinguish this. I've had conversations I felt were more sexual in nature than penetrative intercourse. Occasionally when my partner was disconnected it felt like I was using her body, like masturbating into someone. It wasn't a good feeling and that's no longer a problem after a lot of communication. To me, sex is an emotional and tantric connection to another. Hard to say where it starts and stops.

4. See number 2. Had 4-minute quickies and 10-hour marathon sessions.

5. See number 3. In the last 10 times I've considered it sex, I think I've only had intercourse twice. Honestly, those were probably the bottom two of that batch. It was more medicinal than strictly sexual, relieved pain for partner. Happy to help, still felt connected, but wasn't the full-on tantric experience that I had in our other encounters.

6. I've been disappointed with sexual intercourse where we've had penetrative sex and I've physically cum. I want my partner engaged and enjoy the experience. I now realize I don't really like it otherwise. I feel, gross I guess. I really and truly love my partner and I don't like using her as an object.

7. Partner getting off. Her orgasms feel like they go through my body like waves of energy. In the extreme afterwards (like right after we're done) I sometimes shake so hard that my legs give out when I head back to bed. After lying down a bit I have so much energy and get so much stuff done. Don't get me wrong, cumming is great. I enjoy that too. But my partner is the real show.

8. Almost always, actually I prefer she gets off first. I'm easy, when she wants me done I'll be done in minutes, seconds if she worked me up. To keep up that sexual energy I try and make my orgasm the last thing that happens if at all. That being said a few times she's done things strictly for my pleasure too. Depending on how it's done I really enjoy it being about me sometimes too. I like it when it's like an act of love and kindness, not out of obligation.

I'm a bi male, 39. Didn't realize I was bi till only a few years ago and haven't had any sexual encounters with men as I'm in a relationship. It's technically an open relationship but neither of us has explored that really.

Appreciate the pointers and the thought Rowan. Indeed, there's certainly no right or wrong answers, which is what intrigued me and made me curious as to others perspectives.

Particularly like views on 7. And couldn't personally agree more.

Regards to 8. An anecdotal side note which cropped up during our discussion was a female friend whose boyfriend asked her to give him s blow job. When she said sure, but asked if he might pleasure her orally as well....his refusal was because it would be "too much effort".

I don't think...and certainly hope...this isn't a typical stance, but even so it does boggle the mind.

Thanks again

Very few of these questions can be answered with hard and fast rules. Everything is situational and dependent on mutual preference and familiarity.

New encounters? Foreplay begins when mutual attraction begins. But that may or may not result in sex, at least in that immediate time-frame. Foreplay is almost synonymous with seduction. One party may not necessarily get there when the other party does. A casual touch can count as foreplay, even if consent doesn't follow. But most people probably feel that foreplay begins when both parties realize sex will surely be forthcoming.

Foreplay lasts however long both parties need it to. It all depends on sexual arousal. Sometimes you warm up slow, sometimes fast.

It becomes sex when genitalia is exposed, but at that point, there's a blurry line between foreplay and sex, but physical contact with genitalia is pretty much sex in anybody's book.

Sex should last at a minimum, until both parties are satisfied, and at a maximum, until one or both parties are exhausted.

Actual straight sex is intercourse. Anything short of that is a sexual encounter.

Yes, I'd probably be disappointed in a straight sexual encounter that didn't include intercourse. Bi-sexually, I may feel differently.

Getting my partner off is always more important to me.