I really like what you're doing here... The presentation needs more finesse, (cut/open STRAIGHT to the story), the computer is a distraction, (it would be so much nicer to watch you perform 'straight to camera'), this would also allow you to use your considerable beauty and style to 'sell' the story to the viewer...
The story itself, and perhaps because of the limitations of the medium you're working in, doesn't quite work... What you're really doing is performing a radio-play on video, and not all good short stories make good radio plays... I'd like to se you present a simpler and more accessible, (and less word-y) story...
However, I'm very impressed at what you're doing and, perhaps I'm an innocent (?) but I've never seen anything quite like this before... I LOVE your idea and really do wish you the best of luck...
I gather you're from the USA... I'm Irish and remember a BBC Children's show in the 1970s called "Jackinory"... (I'm sure clips exist on YouTube...) In this show, actors read live to camera the books of children's authors like Roald Dahl or Richmal Crompton, and it was a hugely popular series that featured many fine British stage and TV actors during its run... I think you should investigate the show if you can. I'd imagine that if you combine your own obvious talents with the techniques used in the "Jackinory" programme you might have quite a YouTube sensation on your hands!
Think of how much fun it would be afterwards when in interviews journalists might ask you how the idea of an on-line erotic story telling phenomena began, and you could tell them you took the idea from a BBC children's sow from the 1970s!!!!
Best wishes and best of luck with this...
xx SF
