I'm not old, but for as long as I could remember, I was obsessed with having a relationship or having a boyfriend. I went through an embarrassing bout in elementary school of staring at guys I liked and trying to talk to them. And they all thought I was creepy and they pushed me away. I've had one long-distance relationship. One fling. A one-nightstand without intercourse after he told me that he would be in a relationship with me.
For a while, I was fine. I..I was just like, "Fuck the world and everyone in it. I don't need a boyfriend." I'm going to try to be okay with being single, is what I thought.
But then I heard Teenage Dream covered by Katy Perry covered by a guy, but the lyrics were changed from "let's go all the way tonight" to "let's just talk all through the night". And I started to go all gaga for him because I felt like he was singing to me. I thought about sending him a drawing of his band and a picture of myself. And then I realized that the guy probably already has a girlfriend and it would be another long-distance relationship. How stupid am I.
It breaks my heart because the way he sings is so sweet and intimate in a way that I am impatiently waiting for someone to do for me.
Not necessarily singing. But...you know. Saying all of those things. Saying "you're pretty". Things like that.
And that stupid boy who gave me oral and left me just totally exploited that. He took my heart, gave me hope, and crushed me. I fell for him hook, line, and sinker.
And sometimes, I feel like if I can get some guy to touch me and make me feel good, it won't be the same as having someone love me. But maybe it'll be enough for now.
But even this is destroying me. Why do I feel so lonely all the time?
I know that I'm young, and it'll probably happen eventually. But...can't I just have one remotely healthy mutual relationship? It's not like I try to flirt with guys here to meet them in person. I always meet who I want to date at school or whatever...
I'm going to go out on a limb here but...when you were growing up, was your father around much?
Everything you are describing is psychologically attributable to an absent father figure, and you are definitely not the only young woman to feel this way. I relate greatly to the huge yearning within you. It is a yearning, isn't it?
It's good that you have identified that there is this issue, early on. But I would also say, please be careful. In elevating male attention to this level of importance, you are putting yourself at risk of some really unhealthy relationships that will drive you down even further - you are already more likely to settle for something that is no good for you simply because you need to feel wanted. It's going to be harder for you to work out when a guy is really into you - as you have already found out.
I'm telling you, being with a guy just for the sake of being with a guy is going to make you feel worse. It's just like a fix for an addiction. You get a hit of satisfaction that doesn't last and you want more, but that magical fulfillment never comes. In fact some people do describe this as a 'love addiction', and if you google it you'll find you're not alone.
But this isn't to say you've brought this on yourself, it's not your fault and you are NOT lacking as a person. People are the way they are for generally good reasons. I think it would really help for you to see a counsellor or therapist and talk this through. It can change, and you can feel stronger. As we heal past hurts, then the things we desire change in line with that healing.
It's hard to see people around you in couples, laughing, doing all that romantic stuff, it can make you feel completely unlovable and wonder when it will be your turn. Your turn WILL come.
Take care sweetie x
Stock answer to most forum questions:
Some do, Some don't
Love blindsides us all.
Hands up to Mina and Dan. I hear and feel your words. Lala, you're a beautiful person and Im sorry you feel the need to have a special someone to feel or be completed. All in good time sweetie. We only have one life to live so enjoy it, embrace it and live it to the full. Have no regrets when looking back in 20 or so years form now. Ive always believe in, 'he will find me, I just need to stay put' lol I know that sounds rather lame but its how Ive made it this far alone and single, to mingle. It doesnt stop you from travelling, meeting up with friends, goin out with colleagues, expriencing heart breaks, trials life will throw at you and so forth. As long as you stay true to yourself and enjoy what you have right now, even though it might seem small but its better than what some have. Gosh, even the smallest things we have, you can make bigger and better. When you least expect it, MR PERFECT will be standing there in front of you. Dont ever sell yourself short and settle for any less, for second place or for MR RIGHT NOW. Dont focus or worry about the now and/or then cause you're goin to miss out on all the fun of the in-between. OMG I written another novel. Sorry Lala. Well I hope I made sense to you. You take excellent care of yourself ..promise. Live for right now and enjoy it lol God bless, mad crazy love to ya e xx lol
'..May the Lord watch between you and me when we are absent from one another..' Gen31:49 😇
It may take you years to work through the needs and desire you have. But really, your problems don't have to be a bad thing. Realize exactly what your needs are and make good decisions in regards to who you want to learn with.
Also, realize every action you make creates your future for you. Not always for the bad but mostly for the good if you want.
: )
Torture the data long enough and they will confess to anything.
