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Staying for the Kids
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Staying together for the kids, in rarely a good idea. Kids pick up on things, like when the parents are unhappy. I think it´s important to the kids, that their parents are happy, it generally makes a nicer environment to live in.
My parents got divorced when I was 10 or so. It was pretty amicable, there wasn´t really ever any fighting, and for a couple of years they lived very close to each other, and would get together for dinners with my brother and I. I actually saw more of them then I did before. They also worked a lot, but when they had their night with us, they would make more of an effort to get home early.
When they realised that it was never going to work, my dad had to go back to the states (we were living in the UK) for visa reasons. That was the hard part. Then they started fighting about who got to see us on the holidays. That´s what made things difficult for us.
When I was a 16 or 17 my dad moved back to the UK, and still lives a street away from my mom, and they are back to being friendly. My mom has remarried, and they are all much happier, which makes my younger brother and I much happier.
Divorce is going to be hard on kids no matter what, but I don´t think you would be doing your child any good if you and your partner are unhappy together. You and your partner just need to try and keep things as friendly as possible, and share time with the children.
My parents got divorced when I was 10 or so. It was pretty amicable, there wasn´t really ever any fighting, and for a couple of years they lived very close to each other, and would get together for dinners with my brother and I. I actually saw more of them then I did before. They also worked a lot, but when they had their night with us, they would make more of an effort to get home early.
When they realised that it was never going to work, my dad had to go back to the states (we were living in the UK) for visa reasons. That was the hard part. Then they started fighting about who got to see us on the holidays. That´s what made things difficult for us.
When I was a 16 or 17 my dad moved back to the UK, and still lives a street away from my mom, and they are back to being friendly. My mom has remarried, and they are all much happier, which makes my younger brother and I much happier.
Divorce is going to be hard on kids no matter what, but I don´t think you would be doing your child any good if you and your partner are unhappy together. You and your partner just need to try and keep things as friendly as possible, and share time with the children.
Quote by rxtales
Staying together for the kids, in rarely a good idea. Kids pick up on things, like when the parents are unhappy. I think it´s important to the kids, that their parents are happy, it generally makes a nicer environment to live in.
this is the key here....if you can stay with the kids and maintain this then i do believe its a good idea. at least for my world. my ultimate goal is to raise happy kids in a happy 2 parent environment, even if we are co parents more than a married couple. there was another thread about this some time back....
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Definitely not. My son and I left his mother when he was just an infant. Our lives now are far better than we could have ever hoped if I had stayed with his mother. Living in a prison isn't healthy for anyone involved, especially with children. It's better to have the children live in a stable and loving environment even if it's only with one parent.
No, no, no, no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As much as we would like to think it a happy solution, children are not dumb-asses, no matter their age. If you would like to co-exist with somebody that makes you that unhappy that you would consider leaving them, then pretending to like them and staying on for the children's sake is a temporary measure and sure to detonate into something far worse at a later stage. It is far healthier (and believe it or not - one might even get on with the other party for shorter periods of time together) for the children to sense calm with one parent at a time than the undercurrents of an unhappy relationship. Trust me - been there!!! ...
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Quote by LittleMissBitchQuote by rxtales
Staying together for the kids, in rarely a good idea. Kids pick up on things, like when the parents are unhappy. I think it´s important to the kids, that their parents are happy, it generally makes a nicer environment to live in.
this is the key here....if you can stay with the kids and maintain this then i do believe its a good idea. at least for my world. my ultimate goal is to raise happy kids in a happy 2 parent environment, even if we are co parents more than a married couple. there was another thread about this some time back....
What she said. I agree with LMB 100%!
When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates
Quote by Conny-sure
No, no, no, no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As much as we would like to think it a happy solution, children are not dumb-asses, no matter their age. If you would like to co-exist with somebody that makes you that unhappy that you would consider leaving them, then pretending to like them and staying on for the children's sake is a temporary measure and sure to detonate into something far worse at a later stage. It is far healthier (and believe it or not - one might even get on with the other party for shorter periods of time together) for the children to sense calm with one parent at a time than the undercurrents of an unhappy relationship. Trust me - been there!!! ...
thats the thing tho Conny...you cant pretend to like the other person. you have to actually like them. if i had my drothers no i would not be married but as long as we are not fighting and still able to laugh genuinely with each other then its fine. we enjoy our kids together we raise them together and i have happy and at least seemingly well adjusted kids. i do believe, at least in my own case, separating would be far more traumatic for my son in particular. however, if the tone changes..if suddenly there is anger in my home then i can re think my choice to stay. also, i believe its on a very individual basis. for some, a lot even this is not the right choice...but for the cool kids like me and LM ;-) its the way to go..
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Quote by LittleMissBitchQuote by Conny-sure
No, no, no, no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As much as we would like to think it a happy solution, children are not dumb-asses, no matter their age. If you would like to co-exist with somebody that makes you that unhappy that you would consider leaving them, then pretending to like them and staying on for the children's sake is a temporary measure and sure to detonate into something far worse at a later stage. It is far healthier (and believe it or not - one might even get on with the other party for shorter periods of time together) for the children to sense calm with one parent at a time than the undercurrents of an unhappy relationship. Trust me - been there!!! ...
thats the thing tho Conny...you cant pretend to like the other person. you have to actually like them. if i had my drothers no i would not be married but as long as we are not fighting and still able to laugh genuinely with each other then its fine. we enjoy our kids together we raise them together and i have happy and at least seemingly well adjusted kids. i do believe, at least in my own case, separating would be far more traumatic for my son in particular. however, if the tone changes..if suddenly there is anger in my home then i can re think my choice to stay. also, i believe its on a very individual basis. for some, a lot even this is not the right choice...but for the cool kids like me and LM ;-) its the way to go..
I actually think it's become the politically correct thing to do/say. "Oh, you don't like each other? You MUST divorce for the sake of the kids." That is the most contrary kind of thinking ever. Most failed marriages aren't about violence or constant yelling and screaming and storming around like you see on tv and in the movies. My wife and I still do things with and for our kids just like everyone else. Sooner or later we'll be divorced. But for now, in my kids' eyes, we are just like everyone else. I love my wife and she loves me. We just aren't IN love. My kids don't know that there's no sex/intimacy in the bedroom. They don't know that after they go to sleep that mom and dad do their own thing and zone out and not have deep meaningful conversations.
And yeah, sometimes we argue. But never in a disrespectful way in front of the kids. This concept that parents shouldn't argue in front of kids isn't all the great either. Arguing and screaming at each other every day and filling your kid's lives with hatred and vitriol... no. Occassionally getting into an arguement.. that's ok. Kids learn how to deal with life from watching their parents. If kids never see their parents resolve conflict, how will they learn it. They won't. Which is why so many people have no idea how to handle conflict or confrontation or criticism as adults.
And like LMB said, us cool kids can handle it. Miss B, your freeze-dried semen in being overnighted to you. Get the turkey baster ready.
When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates
I think the main question people should ask theirself what the their purpose is in marriage. We can't change our wife or husband like we change our car or house. All people say same thing "I will be with you at our good time and bad time" but we see most of us say lie. As we marry, we don't really think we will have bad times like we have good times.
Having kids give us extra responsibility. Many parents don't divorce because of incompatibility or unhappiness, they dicorve for new adventures. They choose "divorce" instead of trying to fix their marriage. (I know not all parents).
"Cheating". When people cheat their wife or husband even if they love each other, do they think it can end their marriage and it can be harmful for their kids? or do they think only their lust? As we run after our desires, do we think the future of our kids and our marriage or are we selfish?
Having kids give us extra responsibility. Many parents don't divorce because of incompatibility or unhappiness, they dicorve for new adventures. They choose "divorce" instead of trying to fix their marriage. (I know not all parents).
"Cheating". When people cheat their wife or husband even if they love each other, do they think it can end their marriage and it can be harmful for their kids? or do they think only their lust? As we run after our desires, do we think the future of our kids and our marriage or are we selfish?
Quote by LittleMissBitch
thats the thing tho Conny...you cant pretend to like the other person. you have to actually like them. if i had my drothers no i would not be married but as long as we are not fighting and still able to laugh genuinely with each other then its fine. we enjoy our kids together we raise them together and i have happy and at least seemingly well adjusted kids. i do believe, at least in my own case, separating would be far more traumatic for my son in particular. however, if the tone changes..if suddenly there is anger in my home then i can re think my choice to stay. also, i believe its on a very individual basis. for some, a lot even this is not the right choice...but for the cool kids like me and LM ;-) its the way to go..
LMB - if you are able to co-exist amicably ...and are still able to share laughter and good times together, then I tend to agree with you. But seriously, how many couples that are not compatible are able to say that they are happy enough in their relationship to still be willing to share the same living quarters. It is rare that couples are able to still share the same roof yet live completely separate lives.
Quote by Conny-sureQuote by LittleMissBitch
thats the thing tho Conny...you cant pretend to like the other person. you have to actually like them. if i had my drothers no i would not be married but as long as we are not fighting and still able to laugh genuinely with each other then its fine. we enjoy our kids together we raise them together and i have happy and at least seemingly well adjusted kids. i do believe, at least in my own case, separating would be far more traumatic for my son in particular. however, if the tone changes..if suddenly there is anger in my home then i can re think my choice to stay. also, i believe its on a very individual basis. for some, a lot even this is not the right choice...but for the cool kids like me and LM ;-) its the way to go..
LMB - if you are able to co-exist amicably ...and are still able to share laughter and good times together, then I tend to agree with you. But seriously, how many couples that are not compatible are able to say that they are happy enough in their relationship to still be willing to share the same living quarters. It is rare that couples are able to still share the same roof yet live completely separate lives.
i dunno Conny how many can...but they should. but i do stipulate to the fact that if you cannot remain friends then yes you should part and yes its better for the kids.
Quote by DirtyD25up
Is it justified to continue in a relationship because of the love for your kid(s)? Is the thought of not being there enough to stay there but not be there emotionally with your partner? Is it settling? Doing the right thing? Being a man? i know there are plenty of opinions...
Been there done that. Ended after 24 years kids almost done with college at the time. Two great kids great careers proud of them because they are also great people now....but the kids never knew how unhappy I was.
My daughter questioned me when she found out....were the good times she remembers laughing and doing all those family things with special meaning to her...were they now somehow unreal...didn't count...or otherwise discounted. The answer was obviously not...they did happen and meant a great deal to her. So they didn't know how unhappy I was as they grew up and to the kids they had a solid life experience.
Are they really good people now that will someday soon have their own little family and do it better than what they grew up with...because they grew up in a good situation for them...I'd like to think yes. But good parenting is not a certainty for the kids turning out good. Have many peers that had great families too and some of the kids turned out with big problems.
...my 2 cents.
This is my own personal experience. Take from it what you will. After 15 years of marriage I found out about the other woman and she was not the first one either. I considered overlooking all of this and us trying to stay together and live in the same household but living separate lives but the anger and violence became too much. Living in a household with anger and violence would have damaged my children much more than living with only one parent who is happy and well adjusted.
I think we are asking wrong question. "Should we stay together for kids"...the main problem is "why can't we stay together". what brings marriage at this point. There is a theory in science, butterfly effect. where a small change at one place in system can result in large differences to a later state. Marriage is like a system. Unsolved problems can result serious problem in later of our marriage.
In our relationships, we don't care small mistakes, because we don't think small mistakes can cause bigger problems. Before having kids, do we really ask ourself we will stay with our partner until end of our life. "We will be side by side at our good days and bad days". But we know it is a lie. We should try to solve problems when they are still small. We shouldn't let them bigger otherwise we always will ask "should we stay together for kids"
In our relationships, we don't care small mistakes, because we don't think small mistakes can cause bigger problems. Before having kids, do we really ask ourself we will stay with our partner until end of our life. "We will be side by side at our good days and bad days". But we know it is a lie. We should try to solve problems when they are still small. We shouldn't let them bigger otherwise we always will ask "should we stay together for kids"
The Linebacker
Staying for the kids? If those kids end up looking like the mailman or the UPS guy I am outta there!
Active Ink Slinger
Great perspectives here. I'll give mine, and its a personal view.
I'm staying for the kids.
The reason is that I saw research that said kids are much better adjusted if they have both parents around, as long as its not abusive.
I've also seen kids that have trouble adjusting to split schedules and split lives.
I have an arrangement with my wife that we will work on being good parents.
In our situation, we agree on that front. So some of the other stuff is not there, but that's something I'm willing to put aside for the time being if it helps my kids.
If things get to a point where there's constant fighting or tension, and it is affecting the kids, then there's no reason to stay.
So, current position is a parent partnership relationship with a set of boundaries and a baseline set of expected behaviors and courtesies.
TD
I'm staying for the kids.
The reason is that I saw research that said kids are much better adjusted if they have both parents around, as long as its not abusive.
I've also seen kids that have trouble adjusting to split schedules and split lives.
I have an arrangement with my wife that we will work on being good parents.
In our situation, we agree on that front. So some of the other stuff is not there, but that's something I'm willing to put aside for the time being if it helps my kids.
If things get to a point where there's constant fighting or tension, and it is affecting the kids, then there's no reason to stay.
So, current position is a parent partnership relationship with a set of boundaries and a baseline set of expected behaviors and courtesies.
TD
Whilst I don't belive you can stay in a marrige/relationship purely for the kids, you do need to be bale to be a dad at all times.
Personally, if I had kids but the relationship wasn't working out, I would rather split up as a couple but try and stay as amicible (Spelt wrong I know) for the sake of the children.
I am the sort of perosn who works better in a realtionship that is good rather than staying single so I would feel better moving on to a new relationship in time but still having good access to my children.
Personally, if I had kids but the relationship wasn't working out, I would rather split up as a couple but try and stay as amicible (Spelt wrong I know) for the sake of the children.
I am the sort of perosn who works better in a realtionship that is good rather than staying single so I would feel better moving on to a new relationship in time but still having good access to my children.
I stayed in a marriage for the sake of the kids (they needed a roof over their heads, clothing, and food) finally leaving when my daughter was 18. It was horrendous and I wish I had done it sooner rather than later.
I should've known better. My childhood was turbulent, to say the least, because of my parents relationship. They finally split when I was 18 but I wish they had done it sooner.
I should've known better. My childhood was turbulent, to say the least, because of my parents relationship. They finally split when I was 18 but I wish they had done it sooner.
Quote by adamseve
I stayed in a marriage for the sake of the kids (they needed a roof over their heads, clothing, and food) finally leaving when my daughter was 18. It was horrendous and I wish I had done it sooner rather than later.
I should've known better. My childhood was turbulent, to say the least, because of my parents relationship. They finally split when I was 18 but I wish they had done it sooner.
I agree completely. The economics for many MAKES them stay together ... but at the end of the day, the children ALWAYS know what a sham the marriage was. Why not show by example the positive ways that a good relationship should be?? Break the cycle! Show the children a happier parent who may find love again with a more suitable partner. The children will then reflect that love.
Active Ink Slinger
Definitely no. I was that kid and my childhood was never happy, neither did my folks. They finally divorced after 20 yrs of miserable sexless marriage filled with constant fight and seperation. I really wished that they had done it sooner.
And you know the worst part? They keep on pulling out 'we did it for you' crap on me, making me feel guilty that my birth maybe a mistake and the cause of all their pain. I don't think they did it intentionally, because I know they love me. But sometimes when they're in the rage they could not control what slipped out of their mouth, and when I was kid I took it really hard.
And you know the worst part? They keep on pulling out 'we did it for you' crap on me, making me feel guilty that my birth maybe a mistake and the cause of all their pain. I don't think they did it intentionally, because I know they love me. But sometimes when they're in the rage they could not control what slipped out of their mouth, and when I was kid I took it really hard.
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