stay or go

12 Feb 2017

I am inlove with my husband still but he is not in love with me. Or i think that at least we have a two year old together and were not legally married just a cermony of souls but he has no iterest in me anymore not sure if i should stay for our son or pack up and leave.

13 Feb 2017

"Or i think that at least". You need to talk to him. When you do this, or don't do that, I feel this. Don't be confrontational. Just talk.

13 Feb 2017

Talk it over fully then make a decision If he has no love for you then there's always plenty more fish in the sea. fish

14 Feb 2017

THAT is only a decision YOU can make. It will be a difficult life as a single mum.

19 Mar 2017

It will be a difficult but may be essential for you and the kid to start afresh.

22 Mar 2017

Quote by misty25
I am inlove with my husband still but he is not in love with me. Or i think that at least we have a two year old together and were not legally married just a cermony of souls but he has no iterest in me anymore not sure if i should stay for our son or pack up and leave.

That's not a bad situation. You should put your child first and put as a top priority staying together.

It would be far worse for you if the emotions were reversed.

Let him stay while he will. He may eventually get fed up living with a woman he doesnt love - but that's his call. As long as he behaves well and is good to the child.

22 Mar 2017

Quote by rafael
You should put your child first and put as a top priority staying together.

I think this is absolutely deluded.

If two partners do not feel connected in the relationship, and this is reflected between them, and the way one or both parents act and function, how on earth is that really the best for any child? You are welcome to your opinion but way to invalidate someone by telling her it is not a bad situation. The situation is as she perceives it.

Quote by misty25
I am inlove with my husband still but he is not in love with me. Or i think that at least we have a two year old together and were not legally married just a cermony of souls but he has no iterest in me anymore not sure if i should stay for our son or pack up and leave.

Only you can know what you think is best for you. Have you talked to your husband about what he would like to do? Have you thought about counselling (only the two of you can know if this is worthy in the place you are at)?

I am working towards separation. It took me at least two years to reconcile the guilt I felt about breaking up my family. I will always love my husband for I don't believe the love goes away, you share a life, you make a life together, that is not easily disregarded. We are the best of friends, and that will be difficult to relinquish, but that does not mean that we are in a place where we ought to remain together. We are often very dispassionate towards one another and often disagree about parenting, home, life decisions, yada yada in front of the children. Not directly, but enough so that it obviously affects them. They need to be modelled with healthy relationships and what we share is not longer healthy. Not for him, not for me, and not for them.

Whilst I hate growing up in a broken home I know that where we are at now, is not what is best for my children. And it is not what is best for me. And despite what a lot of society tries to convey, you actually do deserve to do the best by you sometimes. You need to be in a healthy place, surrounded by love, support and esteem to be the best version of yourself for your child. Can you do that in a loveless marriage?

Sometimes you need to come to a place to accept that your needs have changed or that maybe you want different things to what you wanted when you were married. And that's okay. Work on understanding that. Just because you love your husband, doesn't mean you aren't entitled to make a decision if you feel the effects of his disinterest on you. But, do talk to him. That is your number one priority.

22 Mar 2017

Quote by rafael

That's not a bad situation. You should put your child first and put as a top priority staying together.

It would be far worse for you if the emotions were reversed.

Let him stay while he will. He may eventually get fed up living with a woman he doesnt love - but that's his call. As long as he behaves well and is good to the child.

This is some of the worst advice I have ever seen.

@ the OP. First of all, don't listen to this bloke, he's talking nonsense.

Secondly, listen to Sinner, she's given you some good advice here and knows what she is talking about. I hope things work out for you. You deserve better than a loveless relationship. Children are resilient; a happy mum makes a happy child IMHO. You're child will adjust if you leave and you have every right to do so if that is what is best for you.

Try talking to him first. Relationships can often hit a wall, especially after you have a child. Sometimes a little effort on both parts can get you past that, you just need to be open and honest with each other. If he outright says he no longer loves you than I think you need to move on because you deserve more than that. Sometimes when a child comes along, men can feel a little left out because the child takes up so much of mums time and attention, it could just be that simple and discussing it will help. Finding time for each other is important too. I hope this is the case for you and things work out. Big Hugs

The Duchess of Tart

Please check out my new story, co-written with the amazing Wilful.

https://www.lushstories.com/stories/straight-sex/long-time-coming.aspx

And my latest poem, The Temptation.

https://www.lushstories.com/stories/erotic-poems/the-temptation.aspx

22 Mar 2017

Quote by kiera

This is some of the worst advice I have ever seen.

@ the OP. First of all, don't listen to this bloke, he's talking nonsense.

Secondly, listen to Sinner, she's given you some good advice here and knows what she is talking about. I hope things work out for you. You deserve better than a loveless relationship. Children are resilient; a happy mum makes a happy child IMHO. You're child will adjust if you leave and you have every right to do so if that is what is best for you.

Try talking to him first. Relationships can often hit a wall, especially after you have a child. Sometimes a little effort on both parts can get you past that, you just need to be open and honest with each other. If he outright says he no longer loves you than I think you need to move on because you deserve more than that. Sometimes when a child comes along, men can feel a little left out because the child takes up so much of mums time and attention, it could just be that simple and discussing it will help. Finding time for each other is important too. I hope this is the case for you and things work out.

Well - you are entitled to your view and I to mine. I dont disagree with much of the advice you have given here. Though I dont believe confronting him is a good idea - it could lead to regrets. He also may not be able to articulate his feelings - or in fact even know precisely what they are. You say she should move on if he no longer loves - really? Perhaps dad will have a view on that. Not sure if he'll want his partner to go off with his son - he may want custody. Saying children are resiliant seems to make it easier for parents to split up doesnt it - it's a convenient phrase - wonder what the boy thinks of it. The OP has not indicated that the famly environment is unsuitable - merely that she thinks her partner does not love her.

What good will it do the boy if he is deprived of living with his father. Living with a happy fulfilled mum cannot compensate a boy for having a weekend dad. Boys need correct fathering - and dad needs to be present in the family home for that to happen.

22 Mar 2017

Quote by rafael

Well - you are entitled to your view and I to mine. I dont disagree with much of the advice you have given here. Though I dont believe confronting him is a good idea - it could lead to regrets. He also may not be able to articulate his feelings - or in fact even know precisely what they are. You say she should move on if he no longer loves - really? Perhaps dad will have a view on that. Not sure if he'll want his partner to go off with his son - he may want custody. Saying children are resiliant seems to make it easier for parents to split up doesnt it - it's a convenient phrase - wonder what the boy thinks of it. The OP has not indicated that the famly environment is unsuitable - merely that she thinks her partner does not love her.

What good will it do the boy if he is deprived of living with his father. Living with a happy fulfilled mum cannot compensate a boy for having a weekend dad. Boys need correct fathering - and dad needs to be present in the family home for that to happen.

You sound like a member of Fathers 4 Justice. Who do you dress up as? Batman? Robin? Please don't tell me it's superman, you'll ruin my image of Henry *shudders*

22 Mar 2017

Quote by rafael

Well - you are entitled to your view and I to mine. I dont disagree with much of the advice you have given here. Though I dont believe confronting him is a good idea - it could lead to regrets. He also may not be able to articulate his feelings - or in fact even know precisely what they are. You say she should move on if he no longer loves - really? Perhaps dad will have a view on that. Not sure if he'll want his partner to go off with his son - he may want custody. Saying children are resiliant seems to make it easier for parents to split up doesnt it - it's a convenient phrase - wonder what the boy thinks of it. The OP has not indicated that the famly environment is unsuitable - merely that she thinks her partner does not love her.

What good will it do the boy if he is deprived of living with his father. Living with a happy fulfilled mum cannot compensate a boy for having a weekend dad. Boys need correct fathering - and dad needs to be present in the family home for that to happen.

you're assuming that he's a good dad. what if he's a shit dad?

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.

22 Mar 2017

Is he a good decent guy, nice to you, and a good dad and provider to your child? Talk to him sanely, not in a confrontation. He may actually love you very much but be one of those people that has difficulty expressing their emotions. If so, he can work on that but you'd have to be patient. Communication is the key. Possibly professional therapy as a couple.

22 Mar 2017

Quote by rafael
What good will it do the boy if he is deprived of living with his father. Living with a happy fulfilled mum cannot compensate a boy for having a weekend dad. Boys need correct fathering - and dad needs to be present in the family home for that to happen.

LOL.

Did you step right out of the 1950s? Children need PARENTING. Not from a specific gendered parent nor from the role that parent assumes.

You are making broad assumptions about weekend fathering and whatever contact the father has with the child during the week.

----------

This certainly isn't an option nor reality for most but is a thoughtful and insightful view on achieving continued co parenting through separation so that it is less impactful on children's lives.

I'm quite certain I'm not alone in saying that 2 years of depression because of feeling trapped in marriage and the arguments and occurences within my home has been far more harmful to my children than being a single parent in an amicable arrangement with their father will be. Whilst we will need an adjustment period, the stability it will actually provide for us all, will be very positive.

22 Mar 2017

Quote by rafael

Well - you are entitled to your view and I to mine. I dont disagree with much of the advice you have given here. Though I dont believe confronting him is a good idea - it could lead to regrets. He also may not be able to articulate his feelings - or in fact even know precisely what they are. You say she should move on if he no longer loves - really? Perhaps dad will have a view on that. Not sure if he'll want his partner to go off with his son - he may want custody. Saying children are resiliant seems to make it easier for parents to split up doesnt it - it's a convenient phrase - wonder what the boy thinks of it. The OP has not indicated that the famly environment is unsuitable - merely that she thinks her partner does not love her.

What good will it do the boy if he is deprived of living with his father. Living with a happy fulfilled mum cannot compensate a boy for having a weekend dad. Boys need correct fathering - and dad needs to be present in the family home for that to happen.

You are either delusional, stupid or both. My mother stayed with my father and we got abused mentally and physically. Boys do NOT need correct fathering, they need a parent who loves them and tries to do what's best for them.

If I had been deprived of living with my father it would've done me a lot of good. Your arrogance is appalling. Get a clue.

My new Flash Fiction:

An Extraordinary Orgasm.

https://www.lushstories.com/stories/flash-erotica/an-extraordinary-orgasm-2

22 Mar 2017

Quote by trinket

You are either delusional, stupid or both. My mother stayed with my father and we got abused mentally and physically. Boys do NOT need correct fathering, they need a parent who loves them and tries to do what's best for them.

If I had been deprived of living with my father it would've done me a lot of good. Your arrogance is appalling. Get a clue.

Yes. Applause. A fuckload of it. That was also a really courageous share. I'm really sorry that you went through that. I know how much the effects are damaging and life long. I wish neither of us could, but I empathise and understand. Big Hugs

22 Mar 2017

you're assuming that he's a good dad. what if he's a shit dad?

I was going to come back to that.

If he's the kind of dad that spends loving constructive time with his son, reads to him, engages with him etc - then it's going to be harder to break up the home.

But if he is non functional as a father - it might be worth having that chat and possibly moving on.

She never said he was a shit father - or even a shit partner.

22 Mar 2017

Quote by rafael
you're assuming that he's a good dad. what if he's a shit dad?

I was going to come back to that.

If he's the kind of dad that spends loving constructive time with his son, reads to him, engages with him etc - then it's going to be harder to break up the home.

But if he is non functional as a father - it might be worth having that chat and possibly moving on.

She never said he was a shit father - or even a shit partner.

nor did she say he wasn't. just wanted to cover that. i know plenty of kids who'd be better off if their dad took a hike.

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.

22 Mar 2017

My father is the product of a marriage in which his mother stayed with a man who didn't love her, and who constantly strayed with other women. As a result, my grandmother turned into a man-hating, cold-hearted bitch who transferred all her anger and blame for the women who had sex with her husband into my father, who is one messed-up, repressed SOB! It would have been far better had she left her woman-chasing husband and raised her son alone, without the years of bitterness she accumulated by staying with him. Children tend to absorb the latent discontent of their parents, and when they stay together merely for the sake of their children, the children take on that guilt for keeping their parents miserable, and that legacy rarely yields positive outcomes.

22 Mar 2017

Quote by trinket

You are either delusional, stupid or both. My mother stayed with my father and we got abused mentally and physically. Boys do NOT need correct fathering, they need a parent who loves them and tries to do what's best for them.

If I had been deprived of living with my father it would've done me a lot of good. Your arrogance is appalling. Get a clue.

I didnt think I would find people on this forum being abusive. On some forums you would get an infraction for calling someone stupid.

Where did I say families should stay together where there is mental and or physical abuse going on?

I am sorry of the term "correct fathering" upset you - I mean a father who loves them and does his best for them - just as you say. What did you think I meant? Someone wielding a stick?

The OP did not say the household environment is unstable and abusive. If that is the case and he is the cause of it I would say she should go and quickly, like today.

The OP has asked should I stay or go. All I am sayng is consider carefully whether leaving a partner is in the child's best interests. And being a happier mum might not be in the child's best interests if the cost of that is an absent loving well balanced father.

22 Mar 2017

Quote by rafael

I didnt think I would find people on this forum being abusive. On some forums you would get an infraction for calling someone stupid.

Where did I say families should stay together where there is mental and or physical abuse going on?

I am sorry of the term "correct fathering" upset you - I mean a father who loves them and does his best for them - just as you say. What did you think I meant? Someone wielding a stick?

The OP did not say the household environment is unstable and abusive. If that is the case and he is the cause of it I would say she should go and quickly, like today.

The OP has asked should I stay or go. All I am sayng is consider carefully whether leaving a partner is in the child's best interests. And being a happier mum might not be in the child's best interests if the cost of that is an absent loving well balanced father.

You still haven't told us who you dress up as? Is it Bananaman?

You basically said she should put up with not being loved, not say anything and just live with it until such time as her partner/husband decides otherwise.

And you are wondering why you got negative responses?

22 Mar 2017

Quote by sweetsinner

I'm quite certain I'm not alone in saying that 2 years of depression because of feeling trapped in marriage and the arguments and occurences within my home has been far more harmful to my children than being a single parent in an amicable arrangement with their father will be. Whilst we will need an adjustment period, the stability it will actually provide for us all, will be very positive.

I was going to say this. Children learn how to be in relationships from their parents foremost. If parents model unhealthy or unhappy relationships, children can grow up thinking this is normal, which can cause problems later in life. Children (in addition to being resilient) are also quite perceptive. You might not fight in front of the kids, but they can tell when something is up. It's unlikely that a poor marital relationship will go unnoticed by them.

But as virtually everyone else has said (in this and every other thread in this section), talking about it with the partner is really the best option. Avoiding it because it might lead to regrets or hurt feelings is emotional cowardice. Yeah, it might suck, and it might be difficult, but if you don't get the issue out in the open and have an honest conversation, how are you supposed to do anything about the situation?

Don't believe everything that you read.

22 Mar 2017

Quote by kiera

You still haven't told us who you dress up as? Is it Bananaman?

You basically said she should put up with not being loved, not say anything and just live with it until such time as her partner/husband decides otherwise.

And you are wondering why you got negative responses?

It does kind of complicate things a little that they have a child doesnt it. And the received wisdom seems to be that parents should not stay together for the children.

But not every family scenario is different. Only the OP knows the answer to her question and I added my voice just to put something different, and possibly useful into the pot.

leaving a long term partner when children are involved is a risk for all concerned - a life changing experience. There is no one size fits all solution.

My father left when I was 14 (I also have a younger brother and sister) - I supported him at the time - but the years have opened my eyes. He had his own selfish reasons. We didnt have a perfect family life but it was better having a mum and dad in the house compared with a single parent family and the stigma that went with it in those days. My mother begged him to return and he refused - having found for himself a new life. I am rarely in touch with him these days.

well - perhaps I have added some perspective to my comments. No - I dont dress up as Bananaman.

22 Mar 2017

My parents got divorced when I was seven. Ideally, kids should be raised in a two parent home. Gender roles have evolved a great deal since I was young. What was good advice in 1959 is probably well down the priority list in 2017. As negatively as we may think of being a solo parent, the alternatives aren't automatically an improvement. I would encourage the OP to have an honest discussion with her husband and try to agree on what is best for both of them, and their child. IMO, that should be her priority. Just keep in mind that her child's happiness becomes more and more beyond her control as time marches on.

Are you sure?