Quote by lafayettemister
Until you've been in a sexless marriage, don't be so sure you know what you would or wouldn't do.
Quote by cherryrebel
No!!!!!! Please value the sanctity of marriage- you took a vow!
if you can't be with one person for the rest of your life without sex then you shouldn't have gotten married!!
If you're going to grow old with someone then god willing you'll live a long life together where at least ten years or so of it will be sans sex... for example when you're eighty the probability is you wont be able to raise more than a smile! So it's better you're with someone who can make you smile then make you hard for the rest of ur days!!
Quote by cherryrebel
then surely you should talk about it... go couples councelling... do whatever it takes- and then if you really can't work it out- don't stay together but dont cheat. it's the ultimate insult and It's not gonna make anybody's partner want to have sex with them any more!!!
Quote by lafayettemister
Ah, here is the conundrum. The kids. How many people can make this decision.... leave teh marriage and you'll only see your kids every other weekend? That is the situation facing parents of separation/divorce. In my neck of the woods, it is usually the dad that "loses" out. If someone said to you, if you divorce youll only get your kids four days a month, would you stick around and suffer through a shitty marriage or would you bail?
This brings up a whole other discussion, a can of worms I probably should not even attempt to open. The best parent should be given primary custody of the children. That doesn't always happen.
Quote by cherryrebel
yeah ok,
so leaving the marriage and not seeing the kids is gonna suck - but if you cheat, you might not get to see them at all>
I'm not saying it's a do not do under any circumstances thing - if the sex has gone from your relationship and you feel you have to stay blah blah blah, and your partner is ok with you going elsewhere then fine, cheat all you like .. but wouldn't there be too much to lose if they didn't know and then found out? espec with kids involved
Quote by LittleBambiQuote by cherryrebel
then surely you should talk about it... go couples councelling... do whatever it takes- and then if you really can't work it out- don't stay together but dont cheat. it's the ultimate insult and It's not gonna make anybody's partner want to have sex with them any more!!!
Not everyone is in a position to [don't] 'not stay together' ....there are many marriages out there that are just in existence for the sake of the children involved...sometimes even when everything has been tried and nothing works, it still has to be stuck out. And if that means cheating.....the most important thing for any kids involved is that their parents remain happy enough to be able to effectively parent. Yes, some people make the decision that they will be much happier apart and thus able to more effectively parent...but let's face it...how many 'weekend dads' do you know that are truly, effective parents?
Quote by LadyXQuote by LittleBambiQuote by cherryrebel
then surely you should talk about it... go couples councelling... do whatever it takes- and then if you really can't work it out- don't stay together but dont cheat. it's the ultimate insult and It's not gonna make anybody's partner want to have sex with them any more!!!
Not everyone is in a position to [don't] 'not stay together' ....there are many marriages out there that are just in existence for the sake of the children involved...sometimes even when everything has been tried and nothing works, it still has to be stuck out. And if that means cheating.....the most important thing for any kids involved is that their parents remain happy enough to be able to effectively parent. Yes, some people make the decision that they will be much happier apart and thus able to more effectively parent...but let's face it...how many 'weekend dads' do you know that are truly, effective parents?
Cheating happens all the time because people feel trapped in their current situation, I've seen that first hand many times, but that doesn't make it right. I'd say its a pretty small sliver of people who somehow 'remain happy enough to be able to effectively parent', while staying together but cheating on each other like crazy. Treating unhappiness with sex is like treating unhappiness with booze. Both work wonders for a few moments, but fail miserably as a strategy, probably making the problem worse than before each time.
And what effect do you think unhappy parents have on children? I think there are plenty of people here that can attest to how brutal that can be. Kids aren't stupid, nor are they emotionally tone-deaf (unless years of neglect or abuse conditions them to be that way).
Neither is ideal, I know, but a better-adjusted set of parents is better than a completely dysfunctional set of parents, even if it means they aren't under the same roof.
Quote by LadyXQuote by LittleBambiQuote by cherryrebel
then surely you should talk about it... go couples councelling... do whatever it takes- and then if you really can't work it out- don't stay together but dont cheat. it's the ultimate insult and It's not gonna make anybody's partner want to have sex with them any more!!!
Not everyone is in a position to [don't] 'not stay together' ....there are many marriages out there that are just in existence for the sake of the children involved...sometimes even when everything has been tried and nothing works, it still has to be stuck out. And if that means cheating.....the most important thing for any kids involved is that their parents remain happy enough to be able to effectively parent. Yes, some people make the decision that they will be much happier apart and thus able to more effectively parent...but let's face it...how many 'weekend dads' do you know that are truly, effective parents?
Cheating happens all the time because people feel trapped in their current situation, I've seen that first hand many times, but that doesn't make it right. I'd say its a pretty small sliver of people who somehow 'remain happy enough to be able to effectively parent', while staying together but cheating on each other like crazy. Treating unhappiness with sex is like treating unhappiness with booze. Both work wonders for a few moments, but fail miserably as a strategy, probably making the problem worse than before each time.
And what effect do you think unhappy parents have on children? I think there are plenty of people here that can attest to how brutal that can be. Kids aren't stupid, nor are they emotionally tone-deaf (unless years of neglect or abuse conditions them to be that way).
Neither is ideal, I know, but a better-adjusted set of parents is better than a completely dysfunctional set of parents, even if it means they aren't under the same roof.
Quote by LittleBambi
.I was find it funny, bizarre even, that no one ever blames that member for a failed marriage (not accusing you of doing thus, just generalising)...people are so quick to say 'uh uh, cheating isn't right, you've f--ked up your marriage'.
Quote by cherryrebelQuote by LadyX
here is a question, why would anybody be ok with a sexless marriage?
because you love someone???? isn't that why people get married???!!!!!
Quote by LittleBambi
No, nothing is ideal....and no, cheating isn't right...but then neither is the partner withholding sex...I was find it funny, bizarre even, that no one ever blames that member for a failed marriage (not accusing you of doing thus, just generalising)...people are so quick to say 'uh uh, cheating isn't right, you've f--ked up your marriage'.
Quote by LadyXQuote by LittleBambi
.I was find it funny, bizarre even, that no one ever blames that member for a failed marriage (not accusing you of doing thus, just generalising)...people are so quick to say 'uh uh, cheating isn't right, you've f--ked up your marriage'.
I totally agree with that, which is why I made this comment/question:
Quote by cherryrebelQuote by LadyX
here is a question, why would anybody be ok with a sexless marriage?
because you love someone???? isn't that why people get married???!!!!!
Sex is an essential part of marriage. Loving somebody doesn't excuse the other partner of not giving it their all, with their whole heart. Would you put up with a partner who never paid the bills, yet pocketed all the money for himself, just because you love him? Because you took a vow? What if he hit you? It's abuse, and only likely to escalate at some point down the road, but you did take a vow, right?
I wasn't saying it to justify cheating. I was only offering up the question, because to me, a marriage without sex is a pretty incomplete way to live unless both the man and the woman are happy that way.
No, I can't speak from experience, but I do have experience talking to tons of men who feel incomplete and maybe even broken by the fact that they're in a terrible marriage with no sex. And, fom what I gather by now, the assignment of blame in a dysfunctional marriage is often way too complicated to point fingers at either the withholder or the cheater. Both are just symptoms of some other bad shit going down.
Quote by Dancing_DollQuote by LittleBambi
No, nothing is ideal....and no, cheating isn't right...but then neither is the partner withholding sex...I was find it funny, bizarre even, that no one ever blames that member for a failed marriage (not accusing you of doing thus, just generalising)...people are so quick to say 'uh uh, cheating isn't right, you've f--ked up your marriage'.
LOL... this sounds like that tired argument men give to their mistresses about how their wife is withholding sex and how he can't leave her until the kids are older, but then he promises he'll get a divorce and they'll 'live happily ever after' but just have patience and keeping blowing me in the meantime.
This is the era where divorce, joint custody, and blended families are commonplace. It's no longer necessary to "stay together for the kids" or because little Johnny will be the only one in his class with divorced parents.
It's far better to split things amicably when you know it isn't working, or when one spouse decides to permanently withhold sex, or when someone feels the urge to have an affair. Otherwise, you run the risk of your spouse finding out that you're cheating and you can bet the divorce, ability to parent and see the kids, or the marriage itself (if you stick it out post-affair) will be a far greater nightmare than if you split while still on good terms.