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Moving On at Different Paces

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RedMamba69
Rookie Scribe
My girlfriend of three years recently broke up with me; it was about six weeks ago. Through second-hand sources I'm finding out that she is already making out and talking to another guy as if she's gearing up for another relationship very soon.

Thinking about this makes me feel almost sick. I get that feeling of your stomach bottoming out, and I think some anxiety comes with it too. I still love her. Trying to place myself in her shoes I don't think I could even make out with a new girl let alone setting in motion the wheels of another relationship.

But on the other hand, I know it is upsetting because I have no one; there is no girl to make out with. It seems so hopeless. The girl I love isn't moving on, no she's sprinting away with a new man, and here I am alone with no prospects even on the far horizon.

This was my first serious relationship, so I don't even know how to deal with the post-breakup fallout, but it seems like the fallout in this case is particularly heavy.

How do you deal with knowing someone you love is already with someone new?
Guest
Lurker
Moving on isn't about finding a new person to move on with. Moving on is about putting the old person behind you. I know that's not easy if you still care for her, and I know you're feeling like crap right now. Believe me, I know that sinking feeling that's a mix between nausea and a kick in the heart. All you can do is accept the fact that what's past is past. You still feel this pain because you still have a connection to her. I hate to say it, but you need to accept that you are no longer hers and she is no longer yours. You need to remove her from your mind. Spend time with friends. Devote yourself to some task.

She isn't yours anymore. As soon as you accept that you will be able to look forward and feel better instead of looking back and feeling pain. It's okay to wallow in some self-pity and painful thoughts every now and then. Just remember to get up and put the past in the past.

Just keep on going. Today sucks. Tomorrow may suck too. But pain doesn't last forever. All you can do is continue and live your life.

For the record, time does heal all wounds. I know you don't want to hear it, but with time this will get easier. Trust me. Until then, give this a listen. It's actually helped me with my own problems recently. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPU3t-x3Vz4

Doubtless these words will do little to ease your pain. And I'm sorry you're in this situation. But one day you will be able to move past this and be stronger for it.
Guest
Lurker
I'm sorry that this has happened to you but I think Mareoculus is right. It's going to hurt for a while and you'll think you can't get over her but you can. Maybe you were just into the relationship more then her when the break up happened and thats why its harder for you to move on. But sulking around isn't going to help you on this. You need to distract yourself from it. Do as Mareoculus said go out with friends or do things just to distract yourself from it. It will get better and you will heal from this. It's only harder in the beginning but by the end you'll be stronger and able to deal with these things. I hope you do get over and are able to move on. Good luck.
Unknown User
Ah Sweetie, any break-up or a divorce, and letting go in any way is always a hard thing ~but as a FIRST break-up goes~ when you really shared something for a good amount of time: [years}- that is rough. . .but you tell yourself that you are you and not her. She must face whatever consequences and things as they catch up to her and make themselves known. You do not know how that will turn out.

It is painful or difficult for anyone in that situation. There are many things to reconcile within. We all have different coping skills - and some are good and some are not good for us.

First of all you have to give yourself "Time."It is not time on the same scale that you can compare to others or to her.
This is about "you" and your time, and what it takes for YOU. You cannot really judge that based on other people or what they say about how it worked for them.

Allow yourself to grieve and do not deny your feelings or the process can take much longer or not be fully rectified. Sometimes people face haunting feelings that creep back up that are associated with things that happen to us -even many years later down that road. There is no amount of rebound sex or drugs or food to fix or fill and make that go away if such things happen and slither in. We just have to know that it is part of the process, accept, acknowledge, and allow ourselves to feel how we feel.

Dangerous? Overwhelming? Confusing?...
'and that is what good friends are for. Sometimes we may be the blind leading the blind, so to speak, and friends may not have all the answers, but they can be a source of comfort, a sounding board who listen, care, company to cry to or spend time with that WILL slowly help to make a difference.

We just deal with it and learn how to deal with our emotions. In life -things happen, and sometimes they are hard and tragic things...so we self examine and try and look at things and then just do the best we can. That is what we all do...and in the process sometimes we try to help each other and be there for one another because we understand. In those moments can be some of the best and most valuable times with people, friends, and self growth.

Do not be afraid to face things and get better.
Guest
Lurker
if you play any kind of ball or sports all i have to say is this:
rub some dirt on it and get back in the game.

b
curvygalore
Bonnet Flaunter
I am so sorry that you are suffering so horribly. It sucks. But as Mareoculus wisely commented, "moving on" does not necessarily mean to the next person. We all have different paces of recovering from a broken heart, some people need weeks, others months or much longer than that. You just take the time you personally need to heal and feel whole again. Your ex dating so soon does not necessarily mean she has moved on - and some people rush from relationship to relationship never really recovering or learning from any of them just because they are scared to be alone.
I'm sorry that I can't give much comfort. But it is totally normal to feel so bereft or alone after losing someone you loved so deeply. As the others say, give yourself time. Of course you are lonely and off-kilter but that is no reason to feel pressurised to get to on with a new girl before you are ready. You take care and hang on in there and in time and with the support of good friends you will feel better, and that's a promise.
Poppet
Cheeky Chick
I honestly suck at moving on. I usually give my 110% to a relationship, even when I know it is going to hell. I fight with all I have to make it work, to fix it, to make it better. Which usually leads to them being the ones to break up with me. Because I don't believe in giving up. So, that makes it hard for me to let go and move on, even once we're broken up.

I'm often told "let's be friends" crap afterwards. Thinking this is what they really, truly mean, and when they can't follow up, I become bitter and angry. Causing me to have a harder time to let go, because I'm hurt over this lie also. Depending on what ex it is, I have a hard time ever fully letting go. Even if I'm in a new relationship. Certain things will set me off and upset me. I guess I'm kind of sad like that. *shrugs*

Relationships suck, they suck even more when they end and don't end on very good terms. I think it is always easier for the one who is doing the breaking up, than it is for the one who is broken up with. I've only ever broken up with three people, two of those were in my teen aged years. The one from my adult life, took me a very long time to do, so by the time I finally did the breaking up, I was already over him. If that makes any sense.
ChuckEPoo
Chuckanator
All the advice is lengthy but true from their perspective. You must be Very young or very sheltered to be going through your first breakup. It is now all about you. This will eventually strengthen you and prepare you for your next relationship. You feel your trust has been violated, unsure of yourself and how attractive you are. Then you blame yourself. If only ...

You will recover. Don't rebound into another relationship, take your time. The last thing a girl wants to do is hear you whine about your ex. It gets better. Take your time to grieve.
GunGirlJess
Active Ink Slinger
I know it's no help, but whether it's breakup #1 or many breakups later, it can still hurt as deeply the last time as the first time. If she's less invested, maybe that's the explanation. Or maybe she can turn things off differently than you.

It doesn't seem like it right now but it gets easier to look at it in the rearview mirror over time. You may never truly erase those feelings, or you may completely move on. The day will come when the thought of her doesn't twist your guts into a painful mound of agony. And someday you might even be able to see her and have a sigh of relief, instead a twinge of regret. You may be able to think the word 'bitch' instead of screaming it out loud into her face. Progress!

One thing I recently learned to embrace is that you should never let feelings of regret work their way into your heart. You don't want to be 20 years down the road holding onto things with a coulda/woulda/shoulda. (I know this from painful experience!) Maybe someday you'll get a chance to see this chick again and find out what went wrong, but probably not. In the meantime---who cares why? It is, and she's moved on with whatever that means to her.
You need to work on YOU. You can't control how she feels or what she does. Phuck her. Fix yourself for the next person coming along. They don't deserve damage, and neither do you.

Every time someone breaks us down, we have a chance to rebuild ourselves into something stronger. NEVER let someone else break you for good.