Long Distance Problems

21 Jan 2014

Me (22) and my girlfriend (21) have been going out for 4 years now, before that we knew each other and we were pretty much best friends. About 7 months into the relationship I started university about 130 miles away. The first year I was pretty upset, uni life wasn't how I thought it would be and I was pretty damn depressed I'd left a good life to go live away from home etc. But my gf was always there to help me out, we spoke all the time, texted, called skyped, the works. Also she'd do everything to keep me happy, we'd sext a lot, webcam each other, if I wanted something she really was there to help. Although the 7 months were hard, we made it through, seeing each other about once every 3 weeks. Then back during the holidays we were back to seeing each other loads and everything was fine.

The second year things got harder, she went off to uni as well, this time round she was only about 100 miles away, we still saw each other about once every 3 weeks, we still talked a lot but she became her own person, as did I, I found friends I had interests with, she was no longer living at home and had less time. During this year instead of sexting, she'd send me semi-nudes and I still was happy. The year ended and once again we had a lot of fun during the times we weren't at uni.

The third year, the semi-nude photo's pretty much seized and she would decline sexting less and less, this lead to arguments, and I brought up on a few occasions how the first year had been so fun, she had been up for trying a lot of things, she seemed pretty horny herself and she rarely ever said no too stuff.

Now we are in the fourth and both of our final years (so from an educational stand point things are the hardest they will ever be) we still see each other. But she is not willing to sext at all infact she's said if we argue once more about it she's out (of the relationship). I never complain or say anything bad about her because I haven't ever got anything really bad to say. In the past she's told me off for keeping stuff in and not saying what's on my mind. But this is really bothering me now, we're a little over 50% of the way through and coming back from the Christmas break hasn't been good at all.

In the recent arguments she's said she's always hated sexting and all that, she was afraid to lose me when we first started going out, she doesn't want me to be upset and will try to be more open when we're face to face. But my problem currently isn't the face to face thing, something is still better than nothing, I'd like her to try new things or do the things we used to but right now that's the bottom of my concerns.

The fact she is no longer willing to sext or say anything sexual at all is hurting the way I feel. I am self doubting myself, currently have a major loss in self confidence and I'm starting to constantly feel down.

I was sent here by a really good friend, who helped me through a lot of this, but as it gets more annoying the friends been busy, and whether it's because of the self doubt I feel that person doesn't want to hear from me, and besides she's done more than enough to help me for one life time. I owe them a tonne anyway.

I don't want to pressure her into something she doesn't want to do, I don't want to hold things in, I don't want to lose her, I want a relationship whereby I can try everything.

Thanks a lot for listening

21 Jan 2014

Sounds like she's 'growing up'... She might have friends around her who've had very bad experiences with sexting (phone hacking, break ups, etc), so she wants to limit her exposure so to speak..? What're your plans for after graduation? To be together, or more school..?

21 Jan 2014

Quote by RichInMich
Sounds like she's 'growing up'... She might have friends around her who've had very bad experiences with sexting (phone hacking, break ups, etc), so she wants to limit her exposure so to speak..? What're your plans for after graduation? To be together, or more school..?

I think we'll both head back to living with our families then work it out from there. She's already got a job, which she can commute to from there. I will have to apply for jobs myself and because I care for the relationship I will apply for jobs around the area as well. Then hopefully within a year we can get our own place and start renting.

Thanks a lot for getting back to me smile

If it wasn't the last 4/5 months I think I'd be planning on breaking up when we're apart but the thought of it being that short makes me think I can deal with it a little longer. That said it's not easy at all, and I don't want to end up 3 or 4 years down the line her saying she also doesn't enjoy sex...
Maybe again the self doubt is getting to me, but the fact she seemed fine with everything the first few months, then things changed. I worry that she'll say actually I don't enjoy sex at all.

I should point out she said she enjoys sex and in the mood when we're together but when we're apart she's never ever in the mood.

21 Jan 2014

Back when my wife (then girlfriend) and I lived a long distance apart for 2 years, sexting meant writing a dirty letter and sending it Canada Post. Embarassed

That lack of immediacy may actually have been a good thing. Meant there was a lot of buildup and fantasizing that came to a head when we finally did get time together.

Sexting isn't for everyone, DirtyBlue. She may be worried, as RichinMich says, about some of it coming back to haunt either one or both of you. She may also just not get off on it the way that you do. Some of us (me included) really do need the intimate physical contact of real sex to get the best out of it, esp. with someone that we are in a close relationship with. IOW, she doesn't just want to see and hear you, she wants to touch and taste you. And that is not a bad thing. She may love sex and always love sex, just not the more remote act of sexting. It is something to talk out with her, for sure.

Just some thoughts to consider.

21 Jan 2014

So... was just thinking on this a bit more and had a thought - is she into dirty talk when you are together and is she verbal during sex? Because if she's uncomfortable with that and is more of a silent type, that can also explain why she's trying to avoid the sexting thing. Some people feel awkward verbally expressing themselves that way or 'trying to sound sexy'. If she told you she was basically just doing it in the beginning to keep you happy and out of fear of losing you, then now... several years later... she's likely feeling more secure in the relationship and is acting more herself (and less to impress you or keep you on the hook).

A lot of people get lazy in relationships once they've been together for a few years because they're not in 'chase' mode, they're in 'chill out' mode - and more apt to default to their natural behaviour... which in her case may be discomfort with dirty talk or being verbally seductive or provocative. Not everyone is into that kind of thing. She is more conservative than you. Also since you started out as best friends, it's probably easy (and even natural) for her to default into neutral mode again when you're apart.

I definitely think you'll have your answers once you're back in the same town and in normal dating/relationship mode again where you see each other more regularly. If she's still stand offish about sex, then you'll have a bigger decision to make on the future of the relationship. People change a lot during university years, as you said. It's possible the friendship part of the relationship (since this is where you began) is taking over the passionate part because of the distance. Since it's not too far out, I'd just hang in there see where it goes once you're both established in the same town. I guess my only caution would be to make sure she's really in it for the long haul and this is what you both want if it's going to limit where you look for jobs. I think that would be unfair to you otherwise.

Hang in there! smile

21 Jan 2014

Quote by Dancing_Doll
So... was just thinking on this a bit more and had a thought - is she into dirty talk when you are together and is she verbal during sex? Because if she's uncomfortable with that and is more of a silent type, that can also explain why she's trying to avoid the sexting thing. Some people feel awkward verbally expressing themselves that way or 'trying to sound sexy'. If she told you she was basically just doing it in the beginning to keep you happy and out of fear of losing you, then now... several years later... she's likely feeling more secure in the relationship and is acting more herself (and less to impress you or keep you on the hook).

When it comes to dirty talk and sex, yeah it's not her strong point ha. Often if it comes to a quick handjob or whatever she will just start mocking the last thing I said... Probably to stop the awkwardness of all of a sudden going silent, but it's definitely not attractive. So yeah, dirty talk probably isn't her thing.

The thing I hate is literally no sexual contact or references can be made. If I say something i'll just get a "..." "ok" etc.

Quote by Dancing_Doll
I definitely think you'll have your answers once you're back in the same town and in normal dating/relationship mode again where you see each other more regularly. If she's still stand offish about sex, then you'll have a bigger decision to make on the future of the relationship. People change a lot during university years, as you said. It's possible the friendship part of the relationship (since this is where you began) is taking over the passionate part because of the distance. Since it's not too far out, I'd just hang in there see where it goes once you're both established in the same town. I guess my only caution would be to make sure she's really in it for the long haul and this is what you both want if it's going to limit where you look for jobs. I think that would be unfair to you otherwise.

I've put a lot into the relationship, we're both young (probably immature as a result) and that's what bothers me, I don't want to be in a sexless relationship, especially whilst I'm still active and horny. I don't wanna annoy her again by bringing it up. I feel right now I should I make up for the lack of contact by asking her to do wild things because otherwise I don't know whether it's all talk to keep me happy or whether things will change later.

Really appreciate you guys taking some time out, no guarantee I can reply to everyone but I am taking note.

21 Jan 2014

Quote by DirtyBlue

I've put a lot into the relationship, we're both young (probably immature as a result) and that's what bothers me, I don't want to be in a sexless relationship, especially whilst I'm still active and horny. I don't wanna annoy her again by bringing it up. I feel right now I should I make up for the lack of contact by asking her to do wild things because otherwise I don't know whether it's all talk to keep me happy or whether things will change later.

Really appreciate you guys taking some time out, no guarantee I can reply to everyone but I am taking note.

I think that you must be one of the sweetest guys on this site. Do you know the chances of success for a first love ending in marriage and if it did the divorce rate is 1 in 2. You haven't said but I guess you haven't cheated on her even at your age and raging hormones. Whoever you do marry is going to be lucky.
If you've had a sexual relationship during the vacations the chances are that will resume when you get together. Personally sexting, cyber and phone sex does nothing but frustrate me because I can't touch and that's what I need.
I also think it's fantastic that you've got through all but a few months of the time apart, you're almost there! Don't start doubting too much, throw yourself into studying for your finals.
The big laugh I got from your post was "while I'm still active and horny". I have to let you know that you've got at least another 30 to 50 years of that! It doesn't fade much and the better you become the more you want to do it.
Good luck.

21 Jan 2014

Quote by dpw

I think that you must be one of the sweetest guys on this site. Do you know the chances of success for a first love ending in marriage and if it did the divorce rate is 1 in 2. You haven't said but I guess you haven't cheated on her even at your age and raging hormones. Whoever you do marry is going to be lucky.
If you've had a sexual relationship during the vacations the chances are that will resume when you get together. Personally sexting, cyber and phone sex does nothing but frustrate me because I can't touch and that's what I need.
I also think it's fantastic that you've got through all but a few months of the time apart, you're almost there! Don't start doubting too much, throw yourself into studying for your finals.
The big laugh I got from your post was "while I'm still active and horny". I have to let you know that you've got at least another 30 to 50 years of that! It doesn't fade much and the better you become the more you want to do it.
Good luck.

Yeah, marriage ends in 2 ways, divorce or death, so 50/50 would make sense ;)
I made my mistakes in younger relationships, I was so "active and horny" back then, that mistakes were inevitable and I assumed as things are on the decline, I kinda guessed things would continue, 30-50 years sounds good though lol.
Could you say I kinda became dependent on that throughout my time at uni? And the change has been hard for me, and now the idea that I can't even flirt without being put down just kinda frustrates me...
I dunno, maybe I should just stick it out, that seems to be the most occurring answer here.

I just feel it'd be easier to bring it up now as I'm down rather than face to face if she declines doing something I'd perceive as normal.

21 Jan 2014

Double Post - Delete

21 Jan 2014

Quote by DirtyBlue

Yeah, marriage ends in 2 ways, divorce or death, so 50/50 would make sense ;)
I made my mistakes in younger relationships, I was so "active and horny" back then, that mistakes were inevitable and I assumed as things are on the decline, I kinda guessed things would continue, 30-50 years sounds good though lol.
Could you say I kinda became dependent on that throughout my time at uni? And the change has been hard for me, and now the idea that I can't even flirt without being put down just kinda frustrates me...
I dunno, maybe I should just stick it out, that seems to be the most occurring answer here.

I just feel it'd be easier to bring it up now as I'm down rather than face to face if she declines doing something I'd perceive as normal.

You've got through 3 1/2 years, wait another few months. It'll be clearer when you're together.
Here's the curveball! What if you put pressure on her coming up to her finals and she fucks up? Will she forgive you and will you forgive yourself?
What if you fuck up? Will you forgive yourself?
For the sake a few months, wait. She'll thank you for not adding to the stress she must already be under. Just go buy a porno and beat off!

21 Jan 2014

Quote by dpw

You've got through 3 1/2 years, wait another few months. It'll be clearer when you're together.
Here's the curveball! What if you put pressure on her coming up to her finals and she fucks up? Will she forgive you and will you forgive yourself?
What if you fuck up? Will you forgive yourself?
For the sake a few months, wait. She'll thank you for not adding to the stress she must already be under. Just go buy a porno and beat off!

I get what you're saying and didn't think of it that way... She won't thank me as she isn't really one to realize ones efforts as such!
It's not just being horny though dude. Like it sometimes feels to me like she isn't even attracted to me, some guys might react like "if she's not giving me any attention she must be getting the attention off someone else" I trust her enough to believe this isn't the case.

I think you're right about not putting her under stress, or putting myself under stress, just wish that alone resulted in how I feel going away.

21 Jan 2014

Quote by DirtyBlue

I get what you're saying and didn't think of it that way... She won't thank me as she isn't really one to realize ones efforts as such!
It's not just being horny though dude. Like it sometimes feels to me like she isn't even attracted to me, some guys might react like "if she's not giving me any attention she must be getting the attention off someone else" I trust her enough to believe this isn't the case.

I think you're right about not putting her under stress, or putting myself under stress, just wish that alone resulted in how I feel going away.

I may have been worried if it had happened earlier but not after so long. You've got to realise that women have this ability to prioritise better than men. She knows that the finals are her short term goal and everything else takes a back seat for a while.

22 Jan 2014

Thanks a lot everyone for replying. I sent a message to her this morning explaining my situation and she was ridiculously cool with it
Her original response was a 5 text reply before I had even replied to the first one starting with "okay I understand... what can I do to change?" ending with "do you think we should break up

The reason she said that was she thought that might be what I wanted, and she thought that might be best for me "I just don't want to make you unhappy"

I didn't flat out ask her to send me nude photos now as that's not what I want, I explained that I wanted her to come off a bit more like a gf rather than a sister. Not all the time, just an occasional show of affection or flirtation "i do love you and if that's whats best for you then id do it"

Finally the conversation ended with "please do tell me things" "il make that change and promise to be okay with it"

She's seemed happy since and I'm just pleased to have the weight off me. For her it was hearing it for the first time, whereas I've had 6 days to stress over it.

Thanks again everyone for helping, I think I'll find it easier to concentrate on my exams and I'm not straight pressuring her into sexting or anything crazy, just give me reminder that the person I wake up and text every morning till when I go to bed thinks of me more than just a friend!

21 Feb 2014

There is some excellent advise here for you. Been with my partner now for 32 yrs and still she is the love of my life. Have we changed - most definitely, but it's because we still care for each other is what matters.

I don't know what men are like where you are from but in some ways we are all the same. We don't express ourselves to our loved ones. If that's a woman I have found them to be the opposite, they will want to express themselves to those they trust and I think get frustrate with their men when they don't receive that in return. I'm guilty of it and all the blokes I know are the same. I hope the ladies here will agree.

I think the best thing you can do is next time u have some time together is go somewhere romantic, show her that you love her and tell her precisely how you feel and why. You must also be prepaid to do the same for her. If you really care for each other you will work it out to the mutual satisfaction of both parties - but you must listen, compromise and act.

Good luck.Q0gZyVdMG3186VpI

23 Feb 2014

Wow Dirtyblue you have priorities that needed to be in check, glad you got them in check in time.

It's a sorry state of affairs if that was your main complaint, lack of sexting/pictures, there are so many things more important then sex.

I myself have a girlfriend who lives over 200 miles away, it takes me exactly 6 hours to go from my door to her door and I get to do that every 3/4/5 weeks. I do that because I love her, not to get laid.

In all honesty, I end up playing with her more then she plays with me but that's because she's had some health issues that she is nearing the end of, and we have had sex 3 times in the past 9 months, the last time being in July! But to me, pleasuring her is the most amazing thing in the world to me, call me all the crap in the world but my gratification isn't a priority.
We don't sext, we don't send dirty pictures and we don't cam, even though she's done that with another guy some time ago, she knows it's not something she HAS to do with me, because sex is not one of the building blocks of our relationship.
I've had the relationship built on sex and it was the worst 5 years of my life and I'm still paying for my mistake.

Your time apart should make you really cherish the time you get with her, sex filled or not, but be thankful you have someone who can understand you in your situation and actually wants to stay with you despite the distance.

It's honestly not easy having a long distance relationship, it honestly breaks my heart so much to leave her and come back to my life away from her, but I know in the end we will be together because we can trust each other to not cheat, and trust is the fundamental building block of a relationship.

I wish you luck in your exams etc just don't let sex and crap like that cloud your vision for a happy future.

24 Feb 2014

hang in there. i was in the same boat for a long time. i do a dual studies and when i say we are apart we arent miles....sometimes we are 13hrs by plane! I can relate to her not wanting to sext all the time. I never know where ill be, dorm, friends, family. I always worry that someone will interrupt or see our convo.
but you guys have spent so much time and engergy into this relationship that i wouldnt be so down because of this issue.
when i am home with my hubby for semesters at time its completely different. so i think when you guys are together you will be able to see that part of your relationship too.
hang in there and good luck with your exams smile

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