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Have to give up sex at 44?

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MichaelJBranch
Rookie Scribe
I haven't had sex in a couple of years. We have been married for 15 years. We are both in our 40's. My wife started having some pain at the start of intercourse. It was more of discomfort than pain. It only got worse over the years, until is is no to painful for her to have sex. I could see her reaction as I entered her, so I know it was really painful. We stopped having sex at that point.

She has been to doctors. We were told this is more common than you might think as women get closer to menopause. The cause was supposedly hormonal changes that cause not only dryness, but for her vaginal cell lining to change in a way that no only makes her less elastic, but the tissue extremely sensitive. This can cause anywhere from minor to extreme pain. She has been prescribed medications to try. None of them seemed to work and there were some that the risks didn't seem worth it.

After years of trying medical solutions, it seems we have given up on finding one.

We talked and I suggested we just maintain our intimacy in other ways, such as oral. We tried that and I always liked giving her oral and use toys with her. She has given me oral as well, but she doesn't really like it, so that has stopped too. It seems she is only interested in vaginal intercourse, but that is the one thing we can't do any more. With me giving her oral and never really finding a something to satisfy my needs that she would like to do, we have stopped having sex altogether. It has been years now.

The rest of our relationship is fine, we still enjoy being with each other. But it is a sexless marriage. I don't want a divorce. I just didn't plan on giving up sex at age 44. It sucks. And I am not sure what I can do about it.

Not sure why I am writing this, since I am not really expecting any advice that can help. But I guess I just wanted to talk to someone who is not directly involved.
Guest
Lurker
I'm really sorry to hear this. I sent you a message about it. I hope you overcome all of your issues and that you both have intimacy and intercourse and all of the things that you've been missing.
noll
"insensitive prick!" – Danielle Algo
First of all welcome to Lush!

You say you don't expect any advice and I sure can't give you any. All I can say is that I really feel for you. Going by what you wrote I'd say it's rather selfish of your wife to only receive but not return any pleasure. If she used to give you oral sex but not anymore then it sounds to me as if something else has changed as well, besides her physical situation. Perhaps a sex therapist could help you two out with this.
Anyway, I hope you'll find a solution that works for both of you.

Take care!


===  Not ALL LIVES MATTER until BLACK LIVES MATTER  ===
ChuckEPoo
Chuckanator
I truly feel for you. My first wife was young and had same problem with pain during intercourse. After a while it became tolerable but she was conditioned because of the early pain to not desire sex.We tried everything. Various lubes, going to specialists, and hours of foreplay. I hope your relationship is strong enough to endure. Unfortunately mine wasn't.
Leesi
Active Ink Slinger
One of my best friends has been having issues with painful intercourse, and like your wife, she was prescribed medication which really didn't help. She says the pain is so excruciating that she cries every time they have sex, but her husband gets so upset with her when she says no that she will endure it in order to make him happy. It's a bit unfair for your wife to be pleased, but she really does nothing for you in return. She should make more of an effort to make your intimate relationship more enjoyable even if it means you can't always have vaginal intercourse. I'm sorry you are going through this. I've been in a sexless marriage for a while and it sucks (offering a little humor to you). I have no doubt you have had many conversations with her about this situation, but please don't stop communicating. She needs to understand your feelings and how frustrating this is for you, and perhaps you need to ask her to come up with some ideas/solutions. Good luck to you.
MichaelJBranch
Rookie Scribe
Thanks for all the replies. The more I thought about it, one of the reasons for my post is I guess I was "hoping", but not really expecting, someone would respond with - "I have experienced that type of pain myself or know someone who did and they finally found the following medical solution that actually helped".

The support was nice also, so thanks for that. Hopefully, didn't come off as bad mouthing my wife. That certainly wasn't how it was intended. I am just not sure how to solve this.

Leesli, sorry to hear about your friend. I can't believe he would just go through with it anyway regardless of the pain she was in. You did bring up a good idea. I think I will take your advice on asking her to come up with ideas that she may be comfortable with.

Thanks again to everyone. If nothing else, it did feel good just to get his off my chest and discuss it with others outside of the situation.
HappyEndings
Active Ink Slinger
She won't give you a handjob or try a Fleshlight?

I personally haven't tried a Fleshlight but have heard that they feel very real and work very well.

I gave up a marriage for the same reason/problem you're having a few years ago and still feel like I did the right thing.

When a spouse of either sex starts ignoring the sexual needs of their partner and isn't willing to do anything about them then, in my opinion, they've lost that loving feeling and it's more than just about sex.

I know that everybody is different and some women were raised to believe that sex is a sin if it's not used to make babies and even if they can avoid that guilt when they're young it catches up with them later in life and in that case there is little, if anything, anyone can do about it. Catholics come to mind.

I hope that this isn't perceived as a slam on Catholics but I've talked to many men in my life that had wives that gave up all forms of sex fairly early and almost every single one of those women were Catholic.

Some women keep their sex drive and enjoy sex well up into their 70's and a few into their 80's.

I also know a few divorce attorneys and they tell me that a LOT more marriages fail due to one partner losing interest in sex than people would imagine.
Great minds think alike but dirty minds work together.... ;)
Leesi
Active Ink Slinger
I don't think you came off as bad mouthing your wife. Sometimes we get frustrated and just need to express how we feel, or post on the forums and hope others might be able to offer guidance, ideas, or suggestions. Please note that my friend's husband is not an ass. He's actually a really good husband, but he hasn't been able to handle the change in their love life. They make love everyday, and she says he was feeling unwanted, and wasn't truly understanding how difficult and painful this is for her. I did make a suggestion, (I was sorta joking) but she did not go for it. I will say no more on what it was, but he would have gotten the point had she gone through with it. I wish you luck and hope you can sort this out.
BeautysBeast
Active Ink Slinger
I guess I have to be the asshole.

Seems your wife is selfish, and uses a legitimate medical condition to skip out on her responsibility to you.

Intimacy comes in many ways. If she is willing to take, and not give back. Quit giving.

Tell her your done with one sided sex, that you will always love her, but your needs are being ignored, and you will no longer accept this.

It IS absolutely possible to love more than one person. Find someone who you can also love who will meet your needs. Be honest and upfront at all times.
Robert0909
Active Ink Slinger
It does suck. A senior female friend described the male sex drive as 'Bio tyranny'. She actually felt sorry for the male species. She recognised that the urge remains, whether ability is there, or not. Her father
88 still wanted sex - the whole family had always been open about sex - but was no longer able to get the relief of orgasm. Would your wife understand if you used a professional for relief - bearing in mind that there would be no emotion or relationship?
BeautysBeast
Active Ink Slinger
I think the wife should understand if he has an actual relationship. Sex without emotional attachment is unfulfilling. I couldn't deal without the intimacy of sex with a partner I care about.
brianlarry
Active Ink Slinger
I think you should have an open and honest discussion with her and explain that you do have sexual needs. If you ask me there is sex which is more of a primal need and then making love which includes having sex, but you can have sex without making love.

This actually came up in a conversation with some family and friends about a family member and we all agreed that this person should have had a girlfriend on the side for sex. It doesn't mean you still don't love your wife.

I would say Lushies are a bit more sexed than the average person but you have sexual needs. She should either meet them other ways blowjob, handjob etc. or not be upset if you go elsewhere for sex. Obviously I am not taking into account religion, etc. and just a thought.

You can even be upfront and honest with her
BRHolt
Active Ink Slinger
There are medical conditions like that which are highly resistant to change. There is a clinic in up state New York that treats the condition described here with a 95% success rate. A friend of mine with vaginismus went through the two week program and was cured. The downside it that it costs eleven thousand dollars and insurance companies don't see it as a medical need.
Enjoy!
...that wasn't a request.
weekender
Active Ink Slinger
Try not to forget the emotional part of this picture!! A person who looses a function or part of their body can feel that as an extreme failure to being a whole person. For partners, the loss is often difficult to understand, let alone manage! Grieving is in order for both... rejecting each other tends to destroy as does blaming.
It's time to start over... much the same as if you were starting a whole new relationship. And in so doing you are meeting a different person!
Think of it this way... what would you hope a partner would do if your dinghy sank, never to rise again...
Yes... I know we have some oral experts here.... but think for a minute.
Grieving needs comfort... consideration and time. You would be starting over either way. And as it was noted.. you ain't the same person you sold her to start with!!
Start a courtship to find the person that is left sitting next to you, with all her prior looses and trials....you already know her better then a stranger!
And if all else fails, switch hands when you visit lush.XyDgmJnu8gtmKV3q
_O2_
Active Ink Slinger
This sounds a lot like my wife over the past few years. Menopause hit, then she discovered fibroids which made intercourse painful. She got some lube but that didn't help much. She's not into oral (although she used to like receiving ). Basically, she's lost all interest in intimacy.

We've been married now 35 years. With the exception of sex/intimacy we have a very good marriage. I can't see tossing 35 years out the window because we rarely are intimate.

I'd love to find something to make the pain of intercourse go away along with something to change her views about other forms of intimacy. Until that time, I just write and focus on the other things between us that make us a couple.
slavecaro
Rookie Scribe

I just stumbled on this old post. I wonder if @Michaellbranch is still around? I am curious to know what happened in the long run?
dream_weaver
Active Ink Slinger

Quote by slavecaro

I just stumbled on this old post. I wonder if @Michaellbranch is still around? I am curious to know what happened in the long run?

Says he’s not been active in 90 days so likely not.