We've recently had our second child who's an adorable son. My first child is an intelligent 3 year old girl, who's driving me insane pushing boundaries, stamping feet, shouting around the place, even spitting (picked this up from childcare I think).
Dealing with the older child is putting immense pressure on my relationship with my wife. I've even thought a lot about divorce recently.
Most of the problems lie with the way each of us approaches parenting. She lets our 3 year old get away with murder. I am more strict, and loosely follow the way I was brought up. In my day you didn't pussy foot around repeating to children that it's not acceptable to scream their heads off, or repeatedly doing things like pouring water all over the floor or jumping up and down on the furniture (she recently dug a hole in our very expensive leather couch with a wooden toy block, we weren't in the room at the time of course.) When I was a kid, I'd have been belted for that. Not a polite telling off.
I agree with my wife's approach somewhat, and would never hit our children, but the eldest needs a firmer hand and more punishment I believe, even if it's having to stay in her cot until she calms down / the naughty chair idea. My wife is slowly coming round, but the whole home environment is very stressful. I come home late from work deliberately, and leave early. I dread the weekends.
Yes, I've discussed it with her, there's a fundamental difference in mindset. We had a very happy relationship until kids came along, it's not their fault of course.
Anyone else been through this kind of scenario and came out the other side unscathed or divorced?
I have had this convo more times that I care to count. I actually did divorce the man whom I had the discussion with, but it was not for this particular reason (not totally anyway). I have two children (boys) both with autism and my ex was of the same mind-set you are mrplow. Eventually I got really tired of arguing with him and stopped discussing it altogether.
It kind of worked out. When parents divorce children end up with (sometimes) two separate sets of household rules and that's how it ended up in my house until he left. Not the way I would have liked, but that's the way it ended up nonetheless.
My advice is this: someone has to be the ultimate bottomline. In my house that was me. If my ex didn't like what my children were doing, he dealt with it unless and until they did something that drove him crazy and then he came to me with the 'since I don't do it right according to you, you deal with it' attitude. Crude, but it worked.
Someone has to be in charge and you and your wife need to decide who that is. Participation and communication are still in play, but ultimately it has to be one or the other of you until you can come to an agreement. Hope this helps and doesnt totally confuse you.
Ling
Congrats on the birth of your son, Mr.P.
Just my opinion, but I don't think your daughter needs a firmer hand or more punishment - she's probably bored. You mentioned it yourself, she's intelligent. Is she being kept mentally and physically busy? Children (especially kids of that age) need to have their minds engaged in interesting activities or worn out physically, otherwise they find their own ways to keep busy. When not guided by an adult, the activities they choose for themselves are usually destructive, attention grabbing ones.
And as much as you love your kids, I don't think spending more time at work or out of the house to avoid the problem is helping. You're showing your daughter she can divide and conquer you and your wife, and in the end giving her more power over the two of you.
I always heard stories about the terrible twos before I had kids of my own. I've since learned it's a complete myth. It's around the ages of three or four they become a real challenge!
I agree with Necho re hobbies/activities being a great way to refocus a child's energies in a positive way.
I was a very hyperactive child and my mom put me in everything she could think of... gymnastics, ballet, figure skating, piano lessons, swimming etc.
By the time I was done with school and extra-curricular activities there was very little energy to devote to 'raising hell'... LOL
I stuck with the skating and dance through my teen years and ended up pursuing dance as a career afterwards, so it can also help to open children up to many life-long potentials and opportunities.
The almighty fight over discipline!!!! I have 5yr od boy, 4 yr old boy and a 9 month old daughter. plus step kids that are 12, 7, adn 5. our house is nuts!!!!! lol. I will tell you that between the ages of 2-5 and it is crucial for the parents to keep the kids busy. Seldom can a child of this age entertain themselves for long and as soon as they're bored, yep, here comes the crayon all over the wall adn the jumping on the bed stuff. You have to entertain them. And i know all to well that after a day of work the last thing you want to do is have a lengthy discussion about spongebob with a three yr old, but you have too. i learned a trick, i was bad about coming in, throwing down my work stuff and launching straight into the nightly chores, while the kids start squabbling and fighting and runing adn jumping and wrestling. The trick i learned was, that i needed to come in and spend my first half hour home sitting down adn listening too or playing with the kids. usually, that half hour of attentio is enough to satisfy them until i get supper done, and theyll go off to play happily. It's not easy, but necessary if u want peace. sometimes, i'll cook supper and he'll take the boys out to play catch or ride the four wheeler. you and your wife are a team, team up!!! i alos love the tip about getting her into hobbies. my 5 yr old is extemely hyper, he never stops. caused us a lot of issues, he even suggested once that we get him put on medicine, that was a huge fight, and i almost left him. i told him we need to step up and find ways for him to use all his extra energy. anyways, we got a trampoline and he jumps for an hour at a time on that thing. we put him into tball adn he is thriving and he loves it!!!! and after practicing in the sun for an hour, he is tired and ready to rest. there are ways and you and your wife need to communicate more. don't let the greatest symbol of your love, your children, wreck your marriage. and, at the end of the day, remember to take a few quiet minutes with your wife, just the two of you, even if its just sitting on the porch or curled on the couch. come together, you'll both feel better knowing your in this together. good luck!!!!!!
I have been divorced for 8 years now. My ex was a ass, he would not let me have my son, cus I left him. So now I only see him when my ex lets me. I have not seen him in 3 years. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR why are men pigs. I have very little say in his life. I guess I was just the bun warmer for him. It is not worth having to put up with my ex to see my son, even tho I love my son more than life it's self. I will wait for him to come to me.
Thanks for the advice everyone, it has been helpful. I think my wife has post natal depression too, but wont see a doctor. That doesn't help matters.
Keep us updated Mr.P. We're hoping the best for you.
that pic just CREEPS me out!!!
Wonderful to hear that you are growing and find some comfort Mr P.
Parenting AND having a healthy relationship with your partner is a lot of loving work that will reward you in times to come ....
Van
Just kidding. I take her out just her and I, she loves it. The choices thing I know about, she normally doesn't like either option.
