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Did He Use Me?

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naughty_nice22
Active Ink Slinger
i met a man online
i thought everything was going wonderfully with him
we were getting to know each other and played a few times.

Then all of a sudden, he is gone and i havent heard a word from him in months.

did he use me?
Guest
Lurker
I'm not going to say he used you. But if it's been months since you heard from him then I wouldn't keep dwelling on it. It is possibly that something happened that caused him to leave.
AudriNichols
Active Ink Slinger
A lot of guys will string a girl along, pretending to be more interested than they actually are, until one of two things happens.

1. They gave them what they wanted all along. Usually a cyber session.
2. You set a boundary with them and they don't like it.

Most men see women as something of a challenge they must conquer in some way. When you make it clear to them that you aren't that "easy" or they think they already have, they will either do the "slow fade" or disappear completely. Yes, it sounds as if he used you. Not a lot of guys have the balls to actually "break up" in person. When everything is done online, they don't even send an email to explain themselves. It's easier for them not to, so they don't bother. They don't see it as a real relationship, so they just disappear.
Guest
Lurker
Quote by AudriNichols

A lot of guys will string a girl along, pretending to be more interested than they actually are, until one of two things happens.

1. They gave them what they wanted all along. Usually a cyber session.
2. You set a boundary with them and they don't like it.

Most men see women as something of a challenge they must conquer in some way. When you make it clear to them that you aren't that "easy" or they think they already have, they will either do the "slow fade" or disappear completely. Yes, it sounds as if he used you. Not a lot of guys have the balls to actually "break up" in person. When everything is done online, they don't even send an email to explain themselves. It's easier for them not to, so they don't bother. They don't see it as a real relationship, so they just disappear.


We should become friends..biggrin.


You're so smart.
dpw
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by AudriNichols

A lot of guys will string a girl along, pretending to be more interested than they actually are, until one of two things happens.

1. They gave them what they wanted all along. Usually a cyber session.
2. You set a boundary with them and they don't like it.

Most men see women as something of a challenge they must conquer in some way. When you make it clear to them that you aren't that "easy" or they think they already have, they will either do the "slow fade" or disappear completely. Yes, it sounds as if he used you. Not a lot of guys have the balls to actually "break up" in person. When everything is done online, they don't even send an email to explain themselves. It's easier for them not to, so they don't bother. They don't see it as a real relationship, so they just disappear.

And this never happens the other way round?
It's a byproduct of the transient nature of online relationships. There is rarely any foundation to them, they are built on sand. Both parties are using each other to fill a void in their real life.
With the rise in cyber stalking, it's often safer to disappear. I'd like to think that I wouldn't do it, but I've never had anything bad happen to me online.
There's too little information to give a definitive answer, we can merely give suppositions
Dancing_Doll
Alpha Blonde
It might be that things were getting deeper than he wanted (or not deep enough, or quickly enough if he was pressing for real-life contact). It might be that he was just looking for a little online distraction during a rough patch with a wife or girlfriend and things cleared up so he went back to regular life. He might have gotten bored or he might have been chatting with multiple people at the same time and as one took off, others got left behind. It's impossible to say, but as dpw said - online stuff can be very transient - especially in the early stages of getting to know someone. I wouldn't take it personally at it.

Everyone has different motivations for getting to know people in cyberspace and yours didn't mesh with his. In an ideal world, he should have let you know before disappearing, so that you weren't left wondering 'what happened' but people don't often do this because it's so easy to disappear online and not look back.
Unknown User
I think a lot of times people are wanting 'certain' things (maybe things only they are aware of), and sometimes one person likes someone more than the other. They may want "different" things even if it does not appear so at first: fun or sexiness, and may not want a real or more serious relationship or be "ready" for anything ongoing or more. There may come a cut off point if they feel crowded or like you are not the one for them. The person may also feel it is just time to move on.

There could be patterns, habits, intentional game playing, or inablility.

I do not know if it is always "being used" - as sometimes inadvertantly volunteered. Sad and suckie as it may feel after recognition, you may set yourself up or allow that when online, or real life, when a person thinks that someone else is completely being open and honest in all aspects to the same degree you may be in that connection~(including their feelings), or are as true as you. We cannot expect others to have the same guide books, play by the same rules, and apply those aspects as we would... .

Certainly if months go by... they are not that into you or no longer interested. Typically we would hear some word or regret or explanation. Something could have happened, and I have seen people lie and string people along for long periods of time this way, but that someting is more often that they met someone else they are MORE interested in and playing with~ so they are preoccupied. Sometimes they just want "out."

I have seen quite a bit of messy and messed up stuff on the internet.
Games and things happen rl or www, but intentional disregard for someone's feelings I really hate to see. I think some people feel safer when the person is safely hiding on the other side of a computer screen so it seems to give carte blanche.

It could be MANY things, whether to with you or them or internet or not.





Online is easier to walk away [or "use" someone] in an online relationship, it is the nature of the beast.
AudriNichols
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by dpw

And this never happens the other way round?
It's a byproduct of the transient nature of online relationships. There is rarely any foundation to them, they are built on sand. Both parties are using each other to fill a void in their real life.
With the rise in cyber stalking, it's often safer to disappear. I'd like to think that I wouldn't do it, but I've never had anything bad happen to me online.
There's too little information to give a definitive answer, we can merely give suppositions


I never said the same thing doesn't happen the other way around. It does. However, the OP was specifically speaking of a man she had met and felt abandoned by.
avrgblkgrl
In-House Sapiosexual
Did you enjoy yourself? Did he promise you or even offer you anything other than what you received? If the answer is yes to the first question and no to the second, no one was being used. It was just two adults enjoying a moment. The moment is over. It doesn't have to mean more than it actually was.
? A True Story ?
ChuckEPoo
Chuckanator
Quote by Dancing_Doll
It might be that things were getting deeper than he wanted (or not deep enough, or quickly enough if he was pressing for real-life contact). It might be that he was just looking for a little online distraction during a rough patch with a wife or girlfriend and things cleared up so he went back to regular life. He might have gotten bored or he might have been chatting with multiple people at the same time and as one took off, others got left behind. It's impossible to say, but as dpw said - online stuff can be very transient - especially in the early stages of getting to know someone. I wouldn't take it personally at it.

Everyone has different motivations for getting to know people in cyberspace and yours didn't mesh with his. In an ideal world, he should have let you know before disappearing, so that you weren't left wondering 'what happened' but people don't often do this because it's so easy to disappear online and not look back.


Ashleigh is right again. Don't take it seriously. Most of the people on this site are part real and part fantasy. Unless you exchange addresses and information that is verifiable, you can't trust them. Have fun. Chat and laugh. But this is not the place to find a soul mate. Lush isn't E harmony. I love this site and have many friends but it's not the real world.
Poppet
Cheeky Chick
First off all, she didn't say it was from this site. Though, it may be, hence her asking here, we could be wrong.

As many said, most people don't take online relationships seriously. They suck. They know how to play a good game, put up a kick ass front and pull the rug from under you when you least expect it.

(Yes, I'm talking with experience. On and off of this site)

The best you can do is let go. Move on, be it another online relationship, or something in person.
Best of luck.
dpw
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by AudriNichols


I never said the same thing doesn't happen the other way around. It does. However, the OP was specifically speaking of a man she had met and felt abandoned by.

When you use terms like "most men" and "a lot of guys", you sound as if you're blaming males for the ills of the world. I was merely pointing out that it can happen both ways.
If you had said "perhaps he didn't have the balls to break up", that would be fine, instead you chose to say "not a lot of guys have the balls to break up"! A touch anti male, don't you think?
Guest
Lurker
On-Line relationships are limited by their very nature...

(Not always the worse for that...)

But it ISN'T the same as real life and you have to KNOW that from the outset.

I got BURNED here by someone who TOLD ME at the start that it was just a bit of fun...

My bad.

(And WE still talk and are close... Took a while... Nobody USES anyone, I hope... God, that would be awful!)

xx Steph
Guest
Lurker
People are used by intent...the user is usually bitter and broken, only because the world has past them by. The best way to get around that (not perfect) is ask pertinent questions. If a person claims to be an astronaut, why aren't they in orbit. Nothing is fool proof, but usually along the way, the fool will self explode. People who use others have no soul.
AudriNichols
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by dpw

When you use terms like "most men" and "a lot of guys", you sound as if you're blaming males for the ills of the world. I was merely pointing out that it can happen both ways.
If you had said "perhaps he didn't have the balls to break up", that would be fine, instead you chose to say "not a lot of guys have the balls to break up"! A touch anti male, don't you think?


And you said that it's "often easier to disappear" which only supports my point. Even you, a man who claims you've never had a bad experience online, admits that it's easier to not say anything at all. It's easier to disappear. Easier for who exactly? Where does that mentality come from?

Break ups are hard, whether it is in person or online. What makes it worse is just disappearing without a word. Not saying anything at all is just lazy and cowardly. How hard is it to write a 30 second email and say "It's not working out. I want to break up. Goodbye." It's a whole ten words. Not every woman is a crazy stalker either, so that is no excuse.

Whether you want to admit it or not, a lot of men DO treat women like that, especially online. By the way, I'm not "anti-male". I actually have a lot of respect for men. I have even more respect for the ones who have the balls to communicate like adults.
dpw
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by AudriNichols


And you said that it's "often easier to disappear" which only supports my point. Even you, a man who claims you've never had a bad experience online, admits that it's easier to not say anything at all. It's easier to disappear. Easier for who exactly? Where does that mentality come from?

Break ups are hard, whether it is in person or online. What makes it worse is just disappearing without a word. Not saying anything at all is just lazy and cowardly. How hard is it to write a 30 second email and say "It's not working out. I want to break up. Goodbye." It's a whole ten words. Not every woman is a crazy stalker either, so that is no excuse.

Whether you want to admit it or not, a lot of men DO treat women like that, especially online. By the way, I'm not "anti-male". I actually have a lot of respect for men. I have even more respect for the ones who have the balls to communicate like adults.

I've never disappeared, although some wish I would, lol.
It is easier, cowardly but easier to just disappear. For both men and women!
Why would you say "not every woman is a crazy stalker", who said they were?
Again, you mention "a lot of men", how do you quantify that? Some men, yes. So are some women.
AudriNichols
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by dpw

I've never disappeared, although some wish I would, lol.
It is easier, cowardly but easier to just disappear. For both men and women!
Why would you say "not every woman is a crazy stalker", who said they were?
Again, you mention "a lot of men", how do you quantify that? Some men, yes. So are some women.



I suggest you go back and read your own comments. You were the one who implied that women online are stalkers, and somehow that is what makes it okay for men to just disappear without explanation.

I actually wrote a psychology paper on the phenomena of internet relationships about twelve years ago. I based my paper on my own personal experiences, the experiences of almost all of my friends and family, and the thousands of men and women I've talked to online all over the world. More than half the men I've asked admit to doing the "slow fade" or disappearing all together as their preferred method of internet "breakup". When I asked guys at my college, they admitted to doing in IRL too. Hundreds and probably thousands of men admitted it. I'd say that qualifies as "a lot". I've lost count of how many over the years, but since more and more people are dating online these days, it's safe to say it's probably happening more frequently than ever before. When I ask them why, the majority of them basically said something along the lines of "I didn't want to deal with her emotions." or "What's the point? It's not real anyway."

I don't know why you are continuing to make an issue of this. The OP asked if a man used her. Given her description of the events, I answered her question with my personal opinion, which has nothing to do with you. My opinions aren't going to change just because you choose to be offended. Get over it. I will not debate this any further.
dpw
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by AudriNichols



I suggest you go back and read your own comments. You were the one who implied that women online are stalkers, and somehow that is what makes it okay for men to just disappear without explanation.

I actually wrote a psychology paper on the phenomena of internet relationships about twelve years ago. I based my paper on my own personal experiences, the experiences of almost all of my friends and family, and the thousands of men and women I've talked to online all over the world. More than half the men I've asked admit to doing the "slow fade" or disappearing all together as their preferred method of internet "breakup". When I asked guys at my college, they admitted to doing in IRL too. Hundreds and probably thousands of men admitted it. I'd say that qualifies as "a lot". I've lost count of how many over the years, but since more and more people are dating online these days, it's safe to say it's probably happening more frequently than ever before. When I ask them why, the majority of them basically said something along the lines of "I didn't want to deal with her emotions." or "What's the point? It's not real anyway."

I don't know why you are continuing to make an issue of this. The OP asked if a man used her. Given her description of the events, I answered her question with my personal opinion, which has nothing to do with you. My opinions aren't going to change just because you choose to be offended. Get over it. I will not debate this any further.

I suggest that you read my posts again. All I said was non gender specific! I think the root cause of your umbrage is reading an implication that wasn't there.
I'm not offended. I was simply pointing out that both sexes are capable of disappearing. You never mentioned whether you asked the guys if it had happened to them. Nor did you mention if you asked the same questions to your female friends.
I am not trying to change your opinion, I was merely seeking to balance it with my own.
Dirty_D
Head Nurse
Quote by AudriNichols


I actually wrote a psychology paper on the phenomena of internet relationships about twelve years ago.


*scratches head and tries to decide if any paper on the Internet ten years ago could possibly be relevant today*



Per my grad school thesis requirements, nope.
clum
Clumeleon
Quote by Dirty_D
*scratches head and tries to decide if any paper on the Internet ten years ago could possibly be relevant today*



Per my grad school thesis requirements, nope.


Depends on the field. In mathematics, academic research is more cumulative. I've referenced work over seventy years old that is no less relevant today than it was then.

In certain areas of education, too, there is a lot to be said for some of the work of the eighties and nineties, though more recent research is preferable.

In psychology, I'd guess ten years is probably your limit.
AudriNichols
Active Ink Slinger
Yes, I know the paper I wrote is outdated. But I guess you all conveniently missed the part of my post when I said

Since more and more people are dating online these days, it's safe to say it's probably happening more frequently than ever before.

Seriously people, I gave an opinion. That's it. Don't like it? Get over it.
dpw
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by AudriNichols
Yes, I know the paper I wrote is outdated. But I guess you all conveniently missed the part of my post when I said

Since more and more people are dating online these days, it's safe to say it's probably happening more frequently than ever before.

Seriously people, I gave an opinion. That's it. Don't like it? Get over it.

Are you old enough to be a member? You need to be eighteen! You sound like a teenage brat throwing a tantrum.
I haven't missed any part of any of your posts, nor have I misconstrued them.
You, on the other side, have made ineferences that weren't there.
You chose to post your opinion in an open forum, nobody forced you. People have every right to disagree with you.
I find your attitude quite puerile.
RainyDaze
Active Ink Slinger
I have felt this way myself: the conversation and sharing was going well when *poof* he's gone. I wondered what happened; even going to the extreme believing that something bad occurred. It is nice to have clear intent and boundaries from the start, but it doesn't usually go that way. I won't say he used you:I'll say you must have fulfilled his needs at the time and hopefully you enjoy the experience as well. He could have been lonely and needed a type of physical connection with another person. Be careful in the future, I had to learn this as well.
Guest
Lurker
Quote by AudriNichols
Yes, I know the paper I wrote is outdated. But I guess you all conveniently missed the part of my post when I said

Since more and more people are dating online these days, it's safe to say it's probably happening more frequently than ever before.

Seriously people, I gave an opinion. That's it. Don't like it? Get over it.


I agree with you.....

I like that....
Unlaw
Active Ink Slinger
I love the great debate between dpw and Audri... It was very articulate and intelligent with two opposing sides. I was really enjoying it...dpw, you really crack me up in the forums. I have to say you won this debate hands down. Audri...you were doing well until you used the ``don`t like it, get over it defense`` it didn`t work and it cheapened your debate...

As for my opinion, because I do have one...I use everyone on this site and any others I frequent, just as I am used...until I meet an actual live person in the flesh, how do any of us actually know we are dealing with the very person someone claims to be...I therefore believe we are all used to some extent...

What you lost in being in an online relationship with this male (if in fact the person was a male) was any emotional value you put in as well as your time given to pursue the relationship.

Take it as a lesson learned, time to move on because your online `friend`has...
AudriNichols
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by Unlaw
I love the great debate between dpw and Audri... It was very articulate and intelligent with two opposing sides. I was really enjoying it...dpw, you really crack me up in the forums. I have to say you won this debate hands down. Audri...you were doing well until you used the ``don`t like it, get over it defense`` it didn`t work and it cheapened your debate...

As for my opinion, because I do have one...I use everyone on this site and any others I frequent, just as I am used...until I meet an actual live person in the flesh, how do any of us actually know we are dealing with the very person someone claims to be...I therefore believe we are all used to some extent...

What you lost in being in an online relationship with this male (if in fact the person was a male) was any emotional value you put in as well as your time given to pursue the relationship.

Take it as a lesson learned, time to move on because your online `friend`has...


LOL I haven't "lost" anything. I am simply choosing to ignore the childish name calling and tired insults. Bullying doesn't work on me.
I've got better things to do with my life than entertain fools who have nothing better to do than to troll forums trying to pick fights.
dpw
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by RainyDaze
I have felt this way myself: the conversation and sharing was going well when *poof* he's gone. I wondered what happened; even going to the extreme believing that something bad occurred.

I do this when friends disappear, I always worry. Even now there are certain people I worry about.
dpw
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by daddysweetheart


I agree with you.....

I like that....



Really? Now why doesn't that surprise me!
dpw
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by AudriNichols


LOL I haven't "lost" anything. I am simply choosing to ignore the childish name calling and tired insults. Bullying doesn't work on me.
I've got better things to do with my life than entertain fools who have nothing better to do than to troll forums trying to pick fights.

Just be careful who you call a troll, I suggest you read the rules on posting in the forums.
My only arguement with you is the bias you showed against men, that's all. You certainly aren't the only person that has a gender bias, and yes, there are guys that do the same!
I just pointed out that using and being used is not gender specific. Nor is there proof that one gender is more guilty than the other.
Plushbunny
Active Ink Slinger
It could have been anything..he may have been married and his wife found out. Just move on and be aware that this can happen with online relationships. Go into them with eyes wide open and enjoy them for what they are. You can find true love online, I did, but here in general it is a lovely fantasy. I know it still hurts but move on and have fun.
" I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer"
Woody Allen