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Tried to write a poem...any suggestions?

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Ghost
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Ok, I like some of the poems so I tried to write one. Feedback is really desired.

http://www.lushstories.com/stories/love-poems/i-wonder-1.aspx

or

I wonder...

I wonder how you feel as I kiss your lips
I feel with my tongue
The hardness of your teeth
Your tongue on mine as excitement grows

I wonder how you feel as I caress your breasts
I feel with my hands
The hardness of your nipples
Your hands on my body as I cup and squeeze

I wonder how you feel as I part your pussy lips
I feel with my penis
The contour of your inside
Your hands on my abdomen as I slide in

I wonder how you feel as I hold your hips and thrust
I feel with my body
The warmth of your body
Your body moves with mine as I approach the joy of release

I wonder how you feel as I cum deep inside
I feel with my penis
The churning liquid pulses
Your hands hold me tight as my spasms subside

My wonder ends...at least for a short while
Guest
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Very expressive and definitely puts a picture in my head...

Ling
nicola
Matriarch
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I find it very repetitive with "I wonder how you feel" to start each verse. Maybe mix it up a little.

"Hardness " of teeth? That's not very sexy - hardness in relation to nipples is better.

You're using the same words repeatedly - hardness / body. It needs variety imho.

A nice idea Ghost
Ghost
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Quote by nicola
I find it very repetitive with "I wonder how you feel" to start each verse. Maybe mix it up a little.

"Hardness " of teeth? That's not very sexy - hardness in relation to nipples is better.

You're using the same words repeatedly - hardness / body. It needs variety imho.

A nice idea Ghost


Thanks for the helpful and concrete advice, I'll try some edits soon.
Guest
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Can i ask people where they feel the most creative when writing what things do you need to do in order to write something really good. I love writing but i'am finding it hard to settle to let my thoughts come through naturally. any ideas.
Catnip
Internet Sensation
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Quote by HoneyBee000
Can i ask people where they feel the most creative when writing what things do you need to do in order to write something really good. I love writing but i'am finding it hard to settle to let my thoughts come through naturally. any ideas.


I'd say that whenever a thought comes to my head.
If I don't write it down it might get lost.
At times I just decide to sit down and write, trying to be diciplined and stuff.
But mostly, I just find any place comfortable enough to write.
WIch is very annoying if you don't have a pencil on you.
I've learned from experience that having something to write with in the bathroom is a very good idea.
To get an idea while in there and knowing you'd loose it by the time you've flushed and washed your hands, is really annoying.
UnHalo13
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To begin with, there is no way another person can give you a method to write a poem, it needs to be self taught for the most part for it to be relativly successful, honeybee.

Ghost, a poem needs a grammatical sense of mystery and suave. A poem needs to come off with this sense, in a grammatical way:








rather than





it needs flair as it enters the eyes, I don't know, I could explain it better by talking rather than typing. Hope I got some point understood XD.



but then after those goals are fully reached, you must convey a point, and make the reader understand it, there lies the challenge of a good poem.
"Think left, think right. Think low, think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!" ~ Dr. Seuss

****

"O brave new world," he repeated. "O brave new world that has such people in it. Let's start at once."
"You have a most peculiar way of talking sometimes," said Bernard, staring at the young man in perplexed astonishment. "And, anyhow, hadn't you better wait till you actually see the new world?" - Excerpt from Brave New World by Aldous Huxley

Blindfolded
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I agree with Nicola, in that it is slightly repetitive. When I write a poem I make sure that the descriptive words are all completely genuine and different. By genuine I mean that they are used correctly and in conjunction with what I'm trying to say with the poem. Also you will hardly ever find two rhyming words that are the same in my poems.
For example if I say
I love you a lot you know it's true
I knew it when your favourite colour was blue.

You will never find true and blue, rhyming again. and rarely (unless it's a longer poem) will you find another oo sound.

I avoid being super blunt with my poetry.
I've written sex poems before, (which I promptly threw out because they were no good) but I avoided saying penis or vagina or cum or anything like that because it's too blunt.
When a reader is captivated by something it's usually because they are using their imagination to it's fullest potential
If I were to say:
I came inside you and felt it in my penis
I can imagine that sure, but it's very black and white.
But if I were to say
Engulfed in desire lightening shot through my body
You get the imagine of a man being over come with passionate lust for the other person. The lightening imagery works both as a metaphor for cumming and for the feeling that it procures.

I really hope this helped and I can't wait to see the stuff you come up with next.
Even when you're blindfolded, Hindsite is 20/20
Guest
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Thanks everyone who all posted messages about where to write and how you all get creative. I will have a good mull over all your thoughts
HB xxx
Guest
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I disagree with Halo about not being able to teach poetry-writing. Like any art, it requires both natural ability and training - which can easily come from outside coaching. If you only teach yourself, you will always make the same mistakes over again, and never improve. You already know what you know, you need to learn what someone else knows, and add that to your repertoire as well. Never getting outside teaching simply leads to the reinforcement of whatever you were doing wrong, as you get more practiced in making those mistakes.

If you are really interested in becoming a better poet, join a writer's group, or even better, take some classes at your local university.
Catnip
Internet Sensation
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Gosh Halo, you got it wrong! it should be the interesting person instead of mister barbie-doll!!!
I mean I can't imagine anything fun with that first person, while the other one most likely got hidden funz.

I do believe that writing classes can be very dangerous for a persons personal style. Though if the person is strong enough to do it and wants to learn new ways to approach writing, go for it.
Guest
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Quote by Catnip

I do believe that writing classes can be very dangerous for a persons personal style. Though if the person is strong enough to do it and wants to learn new ways to approach writing, go for it.


Unfortunately, a lot of what passes for "personal style" is just utter shit, but no one wants to say so because they are afraid of hurting feelings, or because it isn't acceptable to challenge someone's creativity. Just because someone "created" something doesn't make it art, and it doesn't make it good. I'm not saying that only people who have formally studied can write good poetry, but there are very few examples of great poets that never studied the art at some level. And really, if the person's "style" is not strong enough, as you put it, then really, what are the odds that it was producing anything worth reading to begin with?

**EDIT: This is purely in response to Catnip's remark, and in no way a reflection of the poem that started this thread, which I have completely forgotten.
Guest
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I say someone, anyone, should just write their poem and do the best they can and be proud of it.
Blindfolded
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Quote by roccotool
I say someone, anyone, should just write their poem and do the best they can and be proud of it.


i agree. if you're proud of it who cares.
Even when you're blindfolded, Hindsite is 20/20
Catnip
Internet Sensation
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Quote by Durrasch
Quote by Catnip

I do believe that writing classes can be very dangerous for a persons personal style. Though if the person is strong enough to do it and wants to learn new ways to approach writing, go for it.


Unfortunately, a lot of what passes for "personal style" is just utter shit, but no one wants to say so because they are afraid of hurting feelings, or because it isn't acceptable to challenge someone's creativity. Just because someone "created" something doesn't make it art, and it doesn't make it good. I'm not saying that only people who have formally studied can write good poetry, but there are very few examples of great poets that never studied the art at some level. And really, if the person's "style" is not strong enough, as you put it, then really, what are the odds that it was producing anything worth reading to begin with?

**EDIT: This is purely in response to Catnip's remark, and in no way a reflection of the poem that started this thread, which I have completely forgotten.


Sorry Durr, I dont agre with you. All artists can't be strong. The way they teach poetry in school, i know it's not the same as writingclasses, have killed many good poets.
Art isn't made for everyone to like, since it's like humans, you cant like everyone.
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Quote by Catnip
Quote by Durrasch
Quote by Catnip

I do believe that writing classes can be very dangerous for a persons personal style. Though if the person is strong enough to do it and wants to learn new ways to approach writing, go for it.


Unfortunately, a lot of what passes for "personal style" is just utter shit, but no one wants to say so because they are afraid of hurting feelings, or because it isn't acceptable to challenge someone's creativity. Just because someone "created" something doesn't make it art, and it doesn't make it good. I'm not saying that only people who have formally studied can write good poetry, but there are very few examples of great poets that never studied the art at some level. And really, if the person's "style" is not strong enough, as you put it, then really, what are the odds that it was producing anything worth reading to begin with?

**EDIT: This is purely in response to Catnip's remark, and in no way a reflection of the poem that started this thread, which I have completely forgotten.


Sorry Durr, I dont agre with you. All artists can't be strong. The way they teach poetry in school, i know it's not the same as writingclasses, have killed many good poets.
Art isn't made for everyone to like, since it's like humans, you cant like everyone.


Never be sorry for disagreeing with anyone, Lil Kitty!

And I think that if art is strong enough inside you, then it will find a way to get out. And I don't maintain that everyone should like everything. I just maintain that people should expect to be told sometimes that what they write is crap. It's better for their development than false positive reinforcement, too, which only encourages the continuance of poor quality work.
Catnip
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Dear, if you would ever tell me something I've done was crap, nomatter when I wrote it, I would probably stop writing.
If someone called toohornytogetupinthemorningboy, tells me it's crap I don't give a damn, unless I've talked with the poor thing and he turns out to be a nice person.
I like creative critisism, but the critisism better enlighten atleast one thing that is good.

I stopped singing for the reason of people I looked up to told me it sounded like shit.
Though I've had people wanting me to sing with them when they perform on stage.
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Quote by Catnip
Dear, if you would ever tell me something I've done was crap, nomatter when I wrote it, I would probably stop writing.
If someone called toohornytogetupinthemorningboy, tells me it's crap I don't give a damn, unless I've talked with the poor thing and he turns out to be a nice person.
I like creative critisism, but the critisism better enlighten atleast one thing that is good.

I stopped singing for the reason of people I looked up to told me it sounded like shit.
Though I've had people wanting me to sing with them when they perform on stage.


If you truly believe in your writing, then there is no need for you to worry what other people think of it, although I am honoured that you seem to have some respect for my opinion. And if there is constructive criticism to offer, then sure, it should be given.

And if you feel a song, then you should sing it. The only person who should decide whether you sing is you, not anybody else. That being said, people who cannot sing should expect to be told that they sound like shit. You ought to know in your heart whether it's true or not, and if it's not true, then fuck it - keep singing.

I think that some of the people who post poetry here must know somewhere inside that it isn't very good. I mean, for a few of them, you'd really have to be pretty well brain-dead to find value in them. Again, I won't name names, but I also won't hold my tongue on this, because there is too much emphasis in our society on feelings and not enough on simple honesty. And don't get me wrong. Some of it is OK. But enough of it is crap that I just stopped sifting through trying to look for the few good ones.

As an aside, I wish I had thought to call myself toohornytogetupinthemorningboy.

As another aside, what kind of music do you like to sing?
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too much emphasis in our society on feelings and not enough on simple honesty


Gotcha.

Being rude is good for society.

Feelings and discretion are bad.

Gotcha.
Guest
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"Dash is denied the opportunity to play sports because his power of super-speed means that he might excel. When he fights with his mother, pointing out that he is special, she insists that "everyone is special." Dejectedly, he looks down and mumbles, "then no one is." Similarly, Mr. Incredible gets in a fight with his wife, trying to intercede on his son's behalf, and bemoans the fact that the school stages a fourth-grade "graduation." This, he insists, represents the constant modern-day effort to find new ways of rewarding mediocrity."

Snippet from a review of The Incredibles in the context of Ayn Rand's work. http://www.epinions.com/content_4182745220 If you have never seen the movie, watch it.

If everyone is special, then no one is.

I never said feelings and discretion are bad, did I? In fact, I regularly exercise discretion. As I have said, I don't bother tellling individual authors that what they have written is shit. Should I start? Then maybe your statement above would be justified.

And yeah, there is way too much emphasis on making sure that everyone feels good at whstever it is they want to be good at. Well, it doesn't happen like that. People fail. Some people are better than others at certain things, and some people just cannot do certain things very well. Not everyone can draw, or sing, or write well, or memorise pi to 100 places. Pretending like it's rude to point out that a majority of the poems that get posted are just not very good is ridiculous.