Project Semi Colon: Lush Style

I've been away a long while, and finally found my way home again. Where it seems many I knew have departed or are taking a break so Iook forward to reconnecting with old friends and meeting new faces. 

I'm Sinner. Depression / Anxiety / c-PTSD. Have had my struggles with suicidal ideation along the way. Also now aware that I have ADHD, and pretty crippling Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) which I never knew was a thing and makes so much more sense about my struggle with authority, criticism and perceptions of rejection. Unlike many years prior I am actually stable on medication now and finally found a psychologist that I gelled with well enough to see regularly and make some progress with. Also have chronic pain issues so all in all I'm a bundle o' fun.

Been working on my self-worth, self-doubt and self-confidence with learning to have a healthy dose of self-compassion but to be honest most days it is a struggle. I look forward to chatting and supporting other's in here if and when it's active.

domestic violence is a nightmare. Let us all find safety. 💗💗💗💗💗💗

Quote by Godsangel

domestic violence is a nightmare. Let us all find safety. 💗💗💗💗💗💗

Quote by sprite

Quote by Godsangel

domestic violence is a nightmare. Let us all find safety. 💗💗💗💗💗💗

After 17 years of marriage, I think the string that binds mine together is getting very frayed indeed.

There just doesn't seem to be as many things that bring us together anymore.

There is no physical attraction left, our communication is rocky and can be adversarial.

I looked through my journal and found so many things I'd put on the back burner because I needed to be alone to do them. I'd put them there so long I'd forgotten what they were.

We had a bit of a fight on Saturday and sharp words were thrown by both sides. Since then a wounded silence hangs over things.

I was in a hurt place after that and half went looking to see how hard it would be for me to move out.

My current contract is up so will get another one, put some cash away and see if things change by the new year.

So do bear with me if I get overly emotional or go off on a rant at times. I'm just doing my best to manage a surge of emotions and being uncertain about my next step in life.

Quote by Twisted_Skald

After 17 years of marriage, I think the string that binds mine together is getting very frayed indeed.

There just doesn't seem to be as many things that bring us together anymore.

There is no physical attraction left, our communication is rocky and can be adversarial.

I looked through my journal and found so many things I'd put on the back burner because I needed to be alone to do them. I'd put them there so long I'd forgotten what they were.

We had a bit of a fight on Saturday and sharp words were thrown by both sides. Since then a wounded silence hangs over things.

I was in a hurt place after that and half went looking to see how hard it would be for me to move out.

My current contract is up so will get another one, put some cash away and see if things change by the new year.

So do bear with me if I get overly emotional or go off on a rant at times. I'm just doing my best to manage a surge of emotions and being uncertain about my next step in life.

Sending all love and hugs your way. You are brilliant, you are loved, you've got this whatever this may be. I'm sure someone better at this than I will be able to give you more comfort. All I can say is, I'm here. I've got you. ❤. 

Thank you Harley, lovely to have such kind support. It means a lot.

Quote by Twisted_Skald

Thank you Harley, lovely to have such kind support. It means a lot.

Always.

Quote by Twisted_Skald

After 17 years of marriage, I think the string that binds mine together is getting very frayed indeed.

There just doesn't seem to be as many things that bring us together anymore.

There is no physical attraction left, our communication is rocky and can be adversarial.

I looked through my journal and found so many things I'd put on the back burner because I needed to be alone to do them. I'd put them there so long I'd forgotten what they were.

We had a bit of a fight on Saturday and sharp words were thrown by both sides. Since then a wounded silence hangs over things.

I was in a hurt place after that and half went looking to see how hard it would be for me to move out.

My current contract is up so will get another one, put some cash away and see if things change by the new year.

So do bear with me if I get overly emotional or go off on a rant at times. I'm just doing my best to manage a surge of emotions and being uncertain about my next step in life.

You have always been by my side no matter the tide and the weather, I shall be with you, too. I can only imagine how difficult this time must be for you. My arms will always be open to give you warm squishy hugs and shower you with sisterly kisses. I'll pray to the Goddess to shine her light in your dark moments and show the path on your journey. I shall give you back some of your gifts to protect you. More TLC to you from me.

I'm genuinely touched by all the warm support, thank you all so much.

You're wonderful, kind, lovely people.

I'm blessed to have you in my life.

Quote by Twisted_Skald

I'm genuinely touched by all the warm support, thank you all so much.

You're wonderful, kind, lovely people.

I'm blessed to have you in my life.

I can only speak for myself, but you are loved and you are worth it.

Remember - you don't have to forgive the person who hurt you and telling victims to forgive is a boundary violation. It's a myth that forgiveness is required for healing and whether or not you choose to forgive is nobody's damn business but your own.

Quote by JustKim

Thank you so much for sharing this. I didn't know this thread was here until now. After reading the posts, I feel compelled to share my experience. I'll give you the quick condensed version.

I can't believe how nervous I am right now sharing this, but I also tried to commit suicide when I was 17.

I grew up with an abusive mother who showed me no affection whatsoever and constantly put me down. My dad was too meek to stand up to her, so I always felt alone and unloved growing up. This made me anxious and unfocused. I struggled in school and was too insecure to make friends. I searched for an escape and tried to find the love I craved. By my teen years I was already heavily into drugs and sex. Drugs made me forget, and sex made me feel wanted and loved.

My senior year in high school, I was by an ex boyfriend. I felt I couldn't tell anyone because I thought nobody would believe me. I was lost, hopeless and depressed. I hated my life. That's when I overdosed on percocets and Vodka. I just wanted to sleep forever. Even in the hospital after getting my stomach pumped, my mother was berating me.

A few months later after graduating high school, I met the man that changed my life, got me to see a therapist, got me off drugs, and eventually made me his wife.

Therapy set me free emotionally and empowered me, along with the support and love from my husband and his family, who gave me confidence and taught me to love myself. I haven't looked back since.

Without therapy, I wouldn't be writing this and I wouldn't have the most amazing life and family that a girl could dream of.

I now handle my anxiety through martial arts and meditation, and I give our daughters the love and encouragement daily that I didn't receive growing up.

It took time to heal and get my mind healthy, but it was worth the journey. I faced my demons and kicked their asses!! I'm grateful each day for getting a second chance!

Asking for help is the first and hardest step. We're all imperfectly perfect. 😊

Thank you for sharing. You're brave and wonderful, and very much loved. ❤

Quote by JustKim

Thank you so much for sharing this. I didn't know this thread was here until now. After reading the posts, I feel compelled to share my experience. I'll give you the quick condensed version.

I can't believe how nervous I am right now sharing this, but I also tried to commit suicide when I was 17.

I grew up with an abusive mother who showed me no affection whatsoever and constantly put me down. My dad was too meek to stand up to her, so I always felt alone and unloved growing up. This made me anxious and unfocused. I struggled in school and was too insecure to make friends. I searched for an escape and tried to find the love I craved. By my teen years I was already heavily into drugs and sex. Drugs made me forget, and sex made me feel wanted and loved.

My senior year in high school, I was by an ex boyfriend. I felt I couldn't tell anyone because I thought nobody would believe me. I was lost, hopeless and depressed. I hated my life. That's when I overdosed on percocets and Vodka. I just wanted to sleep forever. Even in the hospital after getting my stomach pumped, my mother was berating me.

A few months later after graduating high school, I met the man that changed my life, got me to see a therapist, got me off drugs, and eventually made me his wife.

Therapy set me free emotionally and empowered me, along with the support and love from my husband and his family, who gave me confidence and taught me to love myself. I haven't looked back since.

Without therapy, I wouldn't be writing this and I wouldn't have the most amazing life and family that a girl could dream of.

I now handle my anxiety through martial arts and meditation, and I give our daughters the love and encouragement daily that I didn't receive growing up.

It took time to heal and get my mind healthy, but it was worth the journey. I faced my demons and kicked their asses!! I'm grateful each day for getting a second chance!

Asking for help is the first and hardest step. We're all imperfectly perfect. 😊

I am a little slow these days, so forgive me hugs what a wonderful story - how it ended, not all the shit you went through. so glad you found yourself and were able to come out through the other side, Kim. truly an inspiration, so thank you for sharing. asking for help and telling your story are NOT easy to do. anyone who has been there knows that, but it's also freeing in a way, and it's helpful to those who haven't yet. much love to you. btw, i'm with you on the martial arts and meditation. two very powerful tools.

Quote by JustKim

Thank you so much for sharing this. I didn't know this thread was here until now. After reading the posts, I feel compelled to share my experience. I'll give you the quick condensed version.

I can't believe how nervous I am right now sharing this, but I also tried to commit suicide when I was 17.

I grew up with an abusive mother who showed me no affection whatsoever and constantly put me down. My dad was too meek to stand up to her, so I always felt alone and unloved growing up. This made me anxious and unfocused. I struggled in school and was too insecure to make friends. I searched for an escape and tried to find the love I craved. By my teen years I was already heavily into drugs and sex. Drugs made me forget, and sex made me feel wanted and loved.

My senior year in high school, I was by an ex boyfriend. I felt I couldn't tell anyone because I thought nobody would believe me. I was lost, hopeless and depressed. I hated my life. That's when I overdosed on percocets and Vodka. I just wanted to sleep forever. Even in the hospital after getting my stomach pumped, my mother was berating me.

A few months later after graduating high school, I met the man that changed my life, got me to see a therapist, got me off drugs, and eventually made me his wife.

Therapy set me free emotionally and empowered me, along with the support and love from my husband and his family, who gave me confidence and taught me to love myself. I haven't looked back since.

Without therapy, I wouldn't be writing this and I wouldn't have the most amazing life and family that a girl could dream of.

I now handle my anxiety through martial arts and meditation, and I give our daughters the love and encouragement daily that I didn't receive growing up.

It took time to heal and get my mind healthy, but it was worth the journey. I faced my demons and kicked their asses!! I'm grateful each day for getting a second chance!

Asking for help is the first and hardest step. We're all imperfectly perfect. 😊

Whenever I think of you, I’ll always remember the time you stayed up until 3am - on your birthday - to try and help a lost soul on the old site. It was probably the kindest act I’ve seen on here (and I’ve been blessed to encounter some great people in the last 2 years, but this sticks in my mind). It says so much about you that you’ve not only fought your own demons but that you’re also willing to support others fighting theirs. Thank you for sharing your story, I’m sure it will inspire others to read it ❤️‍🩹

Quote by JustKim
You were there talking to her as well. And it was your idea to start a forum for mental health. That was teamwork. I appreciate your kind words dear friend, but you are not helping my reputation as queen bitch and a monster here!! 💋❤❤

We knew you had a heart in there somewhere ❤️

Remember you're never alone, and it's okay to not be okay ❤️

Lost a co-worker 10 days ago, 12 year old daughter found him in the garage. Tell myself that he saw no way out of what he was going through. Really hard for me to understand because I was not in his shoes. Like I'm sure he didn't forsee this happening to him. But it just scares the fuck out of me because how far away am I. Tell myself it's mental illness at its worst......something just snapped in his head. Like.... could he of gotten help, I think someone could of helped him.....but no one saw it coming, just fucked up.

Been a while since i have posted on Lush....so much has changed, so many friends have gone. Is what it is I guess. Just grateful for this thread. I opened up a little about my fuckin demons to my Dr. and family...... huge step for me. Just maybe if you are suffering reach out to someone. You don't need to be alone, sucks to feel alone even though you just want to be alone. Yeah I know I don't make sense

@fruit4passion

My father in law has cut down far too many people who felt the sky had fallen in and crossed the Veil by their own hand.

From my own perspective at some point in our lives things just get too much to cope with.

From losing your job, being afraid you can't pay your bills, the shame of not being what you "should be", the guilt of being a failure and the almost overwhelming despair.

In my culture women are viewed as emotional beings, certainly more emotional in visible ways then men.

If I burst into tears it's a clear sign of emotional distress but it doesn't make me less of a woman to break down.

Men aren't viewed the same. They're supposed to be providers, emotionally tough, mentally solid and dependable.

There's a toxic culture of not admitting when you're upset, of "suck it up and get back on the horse".

Is it any wonder with the huge economic turbulence of the last decade that the traditional ways of doing things simply don't apply anymore.

It takes courage and strength to tell the people closest to you that you need them. That maybe cash will be tighter for a while, or you're feeling overwhelmed by feelings.

Far too many of our brothers don't feel able to sat those things, or to even admit to themselves that what they feel will pass. They just need to let people who can help them know they need a little help.

The men in my life have told me they sometimes buried their darker emotions so they didn't have to deal with them. That if they just kept pushing through they'd be OK. Sometimes it's just a temporary thing, like losing your job. You get another one and things regain their own balance again.

For some it's been swept under the carpet for too long and it's just too much to deny the situation.

I'm glad you opened up to someone who can help you. We both know it's a journey and it takes times to get through these difficult times.

I will whisper your name to Luna and ask Her to watch over you. She listens to me when I share how my day went, the good and the bad. She always forgives and She always exchanges my pain for Hope.

May the Goddess be with you, now and always. May She keep you safe from harm and fill your heart with Love. Most Blessed Be.

Be well and safe my dear.

@JustKim

My dear friend, thank you for sharing that painful memory and how it lead you to the woman you are today.

I'm so proud of you for your strength and willingness to share that part of your life with us.

Sending you so much love and support.

May the Goddess be ever with you and keep you safe from harm.

Love you always.

Struggle is real. Emotions are high. It is what it is. Apply some self love. You do you. It's OK to be your supadupa supercalifragilisticexpialidocious kick-ass self (good, bad, happy, sad, unsure, lost, whatever). There is only one you, so be the BEST you, you can be. Be kind to yourself!

Nothing but mad love up in here Sending out truck loads of happy happy joy joy vibes, with major squeezy huggles. And smile I'm smiling right back ya group hug Lushies!

Bfn

You matter! You always matter! sit with me

As we head into Winter, I know some of us feel their mood dropping as the light levels decrease. This Samhain I lit a candle for you all. So when the nights get dark , and things can feel overwhelming, there's a little light to guide you. Remember the Dark cannot defeat the Light. Spring will return once Winter is spent.

So if things are tough, stressful or depressing. Remember you're not alone, you're not without support. Things will change for the better and you will get through these hard times.

Keeping you all in my prayers, sending you lots of love and cheering you on.

May the light of my candle keep the light of Hope burning in your hearts. May the Goddess shine Her Light on you and keep you ever safe from harm. Her Will in all things. Most Blessed Be.

Holiday season is especially hard for those dealing with loneliness, depression, all of that. be there when someone says 'i need to talk' you should never be too busy to listen. i know we are at this time of year, but the trip to the mall can wait. the lights can wait. the fruitcake can really wait. lol

for those of you who don't know, i work with families who are victims of domestic violence. I'm on vacation this week. doesn't mean i just shut the phone off. i keep in touch. you sort of have to. you also have to have a sense of humor. light and dark. i like my co-workers. seriously, you sort of have to get along even if you rub each other wrong occasionally, which does happen. i got this today as a text. it's kind of fucked up, but you know, life is kind of fucked up at times - she knew i'd get it - not something she'd share with just anyone. i don't have that filter, so here you go.

the first text: you hear a lot of crazy ex-girlfriend stories, mostly funny ones. But you hardly hear any crazy ex-boyfriend stories. ever wonder why?

second text: because most women don't make it out alive.

we had an attempted suicide today. one of the gals staying with us. she's stable. it happens. i wish i could have been there. you always think - maybe i could have been there at the right time with the right words and it would have gone differently. maybe. like i said, if someone is reaching out, pause. listen. maybe it will be just enough. it might not be, but we all have to look out for each other through these holidays.

for the record, i am doing fine. this year has been hard, but i'm in a pretty good place. if that changes, i have people to lean on, so yeah, if you need to, reach out. i might not have answers, but i'll listen. the fruitcake can wait.

peace. Rachel

bump

Quote by etairay

You matter! You always matter! sit with me

❤️