Project Semi Colon: Lush Style

Quote by patokl
I know. But a semicolon is a pause, not a full stop. There are still moments I can't fight it. Over the years those moments are becoming less frequent and for shorter periods too, so most of the time I'm really fine. I know, the only one suffering from my hate will be me. Forgive though, is still a step to far.
And that other thing? When the police stopped me from taking that last step, I didn't see a semicolon yet, but thanks to someone here, she knows who, that is now firmly in place. She saved me.

Quote by sprite


a lot of times people talk about forgiveness - on one hand, holding onto the hatred will only hurt you in the end. letting go of that hate, though, and forgiving, are two different animals. personally, i don't forgive easily. or at all.

Quote by kiera
I need a hug... bad dreams for sure tonight..

People just think we are nuts...fuck them all.

Quote by kiera

Talking about it all is not easy when you do which I just did which prolly was not a good idea...

Quote by sprite


Couple of nights ago i was having a bad night, K... i know what you mean. i sent this to Dancing Doll - we talk about this stuff, she's a great listener and i trust her, plus, i know that i can lay the heavy stuff on her from time to time. at the time, i didn't know she was on, in fact... well, self explanatory. i left out her side of the convo, she came on about 1/3 of the way thru and talked me through some things:

***

kind of hoping you're not here, if you are, that's fine too... just needed to talk... there are times, when i need to just relive that moment, so that i know i can beat it. and it's hard, but there's a catharsis in it too.... and other times, i need to talk about it, for someone to listen, but i don't know how - it's not something anyone wants to hear, that i want them to hear, and those times, i just feel alone and sad and it's all i can do to hold it together. it's better, things are better, but i don't lie to myself and say that it ever goes away, healing, yes, but it never fully heals.

i'm reminded of this here and there - Lady Gaga at the Oscars last night, or the girl i talked to last week - she had scars on her palms - she used her hands to fend off a knife. on her face, too. it was nice, talking, tho. i didn't feel alone. even the silences were nice. not uncomfortable, not awkward. we both understood. i wish i could get that from other friends without them having to go through the same thing... sometimes i just go silent. it's easier, but all the time there's this great cacophony within that wants to burst free. i don't let it, even though i want to. i don't want to hear the silence when i do... sorry, i just needed to be able to say this and get silence back, not because you don't get it, but because you're not there. i can live with that silence

for me, it's always the elephant in the room, only, i'm the only one who can see it. it's always there, you know, in the back of my head - sometimes really quiet, and it leaves me alone, but i can feel it lurking.

i don't know how you could stay silent. that's a lie. i understand it all too well... i never judge anyone who stays silent. it's not my right. i know how hard it is. that's why i write about it, you know, why i 'came out'. saying those words, tho, is still so hard to do. and sometimes, i am numb, and when i am, i need that, at least for a while.

there are nights when i'm in it, still. too many nights. not as many, but any is too many. there's no distance. it's fresh. i can't even remember to get put cheese on the shopping list, but i can remember every single detail - not that i want to, but it's tattooed on my brain. it's nearly impossible. it's why i rarely talk about it, even when i can't think of anything else.

it's kind of a conversation killer at parties, you know. the panic attacks are rare these days, but they happen, and it's always... unsettling. i don't like people having to deal with my shit... i just don't want that to be all i ever talk about. that scares me a bit. it's easier to not deal with things then it is to deal with them.

***

*hugs* it's okay, Kiera, either way, whether you share it or not, it's all about what helps you deal with it. only you can know that, and if talking helps, talk. if not talking helps, don't talk. either way, no judgement, no shame, just love, purely unconditional. it's not easy and i admire you for hanging in there. it takes a lot of courage. love you - that goes for the rest of you. love you all.

xo
rach

Quote by sprite


Couple of nights ago i was having a bad night, K... i know what you mean. i sent this to Dancing Doll - we talk about this stuff, she's a great listener and i trust her, plus, i know that i can lay the heavy stuff on her from time to time. at the time, i didn't know she was on, in fact... well, self explanatory. i left out her side of the convo, she came on about 1/3 of the way thru and talked me through some things:

***

kind of hoping you're not here, if you are, that's fine too... just needed to talk... there are times, when i need to just relive that moment, so that i know i can beat it. and it's hard, but there's a catharsis in it too.... and other times, i need to talk about it, for someone to listen, but i don't know how - it's not something anyone wants to hear, that i want them to hear, and those times, i just feel alone and sad and it's all i can do to hold it together. it's better, things are better, but i don't lie to myself and say that it ever goes away, healing, yes, but it never fully heals.

i'm reminded of this here and there - Lady Gaga at the Oscars last night, or the girl i talked to last week - she had scars on her palms - she used her hands to fend off a knife. on her face, too. it was nice, talking, tho. i didn't feel alone. even the silences were nice. not uncomfortable, not awkward. we both understood. i wish i could get that from other friends without them having to go through the same thing... sometimes i just go silent. it's easier, but all the time there's this great cacophony within that wants to burst free. i don't let it, even though i want to. i don't want to hear the silence when i do... sorry, i just needed to be able to say this and get silence back, not because you don't get it, but because you're not there. i can live with that silence

for me, it's always the elephant in the room, only, i'm the only one who can see it. it's always there, you know, in the back of my head - sometimes really quiet, and it leaves me alone, but i can feel it lurking.

i don't know how you could stay silent. that's a lie. i understand it all too well... i never judge anyone who stays silent. it's not my right. i know how hard it is. that's why i write about it, you know, why i 'came out'. saying those words, tho, is still so hard to do. and sometimes, i am numb, and when i am, i need that, at least for a while.

there are nights when i'm in it, still. too many nights. not as many, but any is too many. there's no distance. it's fresh. i can't even remember to get put cheese on the shopping list, but i can remember every single detail - not that i want to, but it's tattooed on my brain. it's nearly impossible. it's why i rarely talk about it, even when i can't think of anything else.

it's kind of a conversation killer at parties, you know. the panic attacks are rare these days, but they happen, and it's always... unsettling. i don't like people having to deal with my shit... i just don't want that to be all i ever talk about. that scares me a bit. it's easier to not deal with things then it is to deal with them.

***

*hugs* it's okay, Kiera, either way, whether you share it or not, it's all about what helps you deal with it. only you can know that, and if talking helps, talk. if not talking helps, don't talk. either way, no judgement, no shame, just love, purely unconditional. it's not easy and i admire you for hanging in there. it takes a lot of courage. love you - that goes for the rest of you. love you all.

xo
rach

Quote by sprite


Couple of nights ago i was having a bad night, K... i know what you mean. i sent this to Dancing Doll - we talk about this stuff, she's a great listener and i trust her, plus, i know that i can lay the heavy stuff on her from time to time. at the time, i didn't know she was on, in fact... well, self explanatory. i left out her side of the convo, she came on about 1/3 of the way thru and talked me through some things:

***

kind of hoping you're not here, if you are, that's fine too... just needed to talk... there are times, when i need to just relive that moment, so that i know i can beat it. and it's hard, but there's a catharsis in it too.... and other times, i need to talk about it, for someone to listen, but i don't know how - it's not something anyone wants to hear, that i want them to hear, and those times, i just feel alone and sad and it's all i can do to hold it together. it's better, things are better, but i don't lie to myself and say that it ever goes away, healing, yes, but it never fully heals.

i'm reminded of this here and there - Lady Gaga at the Oscars last night, or the girl i talked to last week - she had scars on her palms - she used her hands to fend off a knife. on her face, too. it was nice, talking, tho. i didn't feel alone. even the silences were nice. not uncomfortable, not awkward. we both understood. i wish i could get that from other friends without them having to go through the same thing... sometimes i just go silent. it's easier, but all the time there's this great cacophony within that wants to burst free. i don't let it, even though i want to. i don't want to hear the silence when i do... sorry, i just needed to be able to say this and get silence back, not because you don't get it, but because you're not there. i can live with that silence

for me, it's always the elephant in the room, only, i'm the only one who can see it. it's always there, you know, in the back of my head - sometimes really quiet, and it leaves me alone, but i can feel it lurking.

i don't know how you could stay silent. that's a lie. i understand it all too well... i never judge anyone who stays silent. it's not my right. i know how hard it is. that's why i write about it, you know, why i 'came out'. saying those words, tho, is still so hard to do. and sometimes, i am numb, and when i am, i need that, at least for a while.

there are nights when i'm in it, still. too many nights. not as many, but any is too many. there's no distance. it's fresh. i can't even remember to get put cheese on the shopping list, but i can remember every single detail - not that i want to, but it's tattooed on my brain. it's nearly impossible. it's why i rarely talk about it, even when i can't think of anything else.

it's kind of a conversation killer at parties, you know. the panic attacks are rare these days, but they happen, and it's always... unsettling. i don't like people having to deal with my shit... i just don't want that to be all i ever talk about. that scares me a bit. it's easier to not deal with things then it is to deal with them.

***

*hugs* it's okay, Kiera, either way, whether you share it or not, it's all about what helps you deal with it. only you can know that, and if talking helps, talk. if not talking helps, don't talk. either way, no judgement, no shame, just love, purely unconditional. it's not easy and i admire you for hanging in there. it takes a lot of courage. love you - that goes for the rest of you. love you all.

xo
rach

Quote by kiera
I need a hug... bad dreams for sure tonight.

Talking about it all is not easy when you do which I just did which prolly was not a good idea... I apologise in advance, but I have never gone that in depth to anyone, not even Rachel... I am so stupid., I know better than to do that.

People just think we are nuts...fuck them all.

Quote by patokl

Kiera, nobody who has been reading this thread thinks you are stupid. Those that do.. they're the stupid ones, fuck'm. You, Rachel and all of you, sharing in this thread, are incredibly brave and far from nuts.

Here's a from me.

Quote by sprite


actually, i'm totally nuts, but that's a whole different issue

Quote by CelticLady7
It is hard to battle these things. I read your post on the other thread & have seen the semicolon website & tattoos. I, myself decided to get the tattoo just last week. I have three children & my oldest two have mental issues. My second is a cutter. I fear for my third.

Lots of good wishes for you. I know it isn't easy, but know your words have gotten out there. I for one & thankful for your story.

Quote by Gael


Lots of to you, Kiera. I really hope you had beautiful dreams and zero bad ones.

As you mention, what people think is not important. Just be yourself