Hi all.
Do you think a partner truly loves and wants to be with you if they have been on numerous sex forums behind you back for over a year? Not only that but can they be entirely happy when they spent most of that time on girls profiles and chatting etc? Why does an attached man who gets plenty of hot sex at home need to view single girls profiles/pics? I'm struggling to get over it. He says there was nothing to it and it was all bullshit (course he'd say that!). He admits he has a porn addiction which I'm OK with but the constant searching of "normal" girls profiles and pics is not on. I went through his browser history and it was mostly all from here "reading messages" "in private chats". How can I move on?
Perhaps in his view (as with many) unless it is physical it never REALLY "happens" it's simply shared fantasy (and part of porn addiction IS addiction to sexual fantasy.) As to how can you "move on" It's a do or don't deal. IF you can think of it as I stated above you CAN (or should be able to do so) otherwise you probably never will.
i think weav summed it up pretty well. it may or may not be a big deal, and that's something you'll have to figure out between the two of you.
that said, now he knows that you know about it and that it bothers you. if he continues to do it now, it becomes a big deal even if it isn't already.
He has closed his account here. He closed his twitter account too and set us both up with one with matching passwords. He knows what he done was wrong but he isn't giving me the time to move on. When things pop into my head I need to talk about it or else I explode. I'm already hardly eating or sleeping and I try to hide it cos he gets violent. I don't think I deserve to be hit when he is the one that has done wrong. I need time and lots of reassurance and he isn't giving me either.
Agree 100% with V. No relationship, no PERSON, is worth putting up with any kind of abuse.
He is the one that has threatened to leave twice now. Packed his case. I love him I just want to be enough. He has told me point blank he won't give up porn or twitter and will always choose them over our 16 year relationship. I just want to be enough.
I agree with the others, sounds like you need distance ASAP! Good luck to you xxx
+1 agreeing with RavenStar.
I know how hard it is to distance yourself from that sort of situation. I also know that you are doing yourself no favors staying. Really, you arent.
Lush isn't a site for therapy of the kind you may need to work through your issues around this. We may express our personal opinions and give you suggestions for how to proceed, but in the end, we're just a bunch of strangers who don't know the extent of your situation.
Decide what you will do, then seek help from family, friends, help groups. Whatever you need to do to straighten out your life.
Good luck.
I know lush isn't for therapy I only found myself here through him. I actually thought that the females who he had been chatting to on here would have contacted me like I asked but they haven't. I want to go to counselling but he said no way and I'd be going alone.
Anyway thanks for the replies I'll leave now.
Had you mentioned hitting you before I would have said the same as the others... GET OUT NOW! And, don't ever look back (except to make SURE he's NOT following you!) Accept NO excuses and make none for him. JUST GO! He DOES NOT love you and never will.
my brief thoughts on domestic violence--
i have never thought that someone who commits one act of violence (depending on the level of that violence) is an inherently abusive person who will continue to be violent and continually get worse. in my job i've unfortunately seen a great deal of domestic violence.
i don't think it's right to judge someone for the rest of their life over one terrible thing they did. far more telling is how they respond to it. does the person realize they did something terrible, and get whatever help they need to make sure it never happens again? or do they continue to deflect blame and escalate the violence? if it's anything other than the former, then something is seriously wrong and they probably will never change.
It wasn't a one off. Since this all started day after boxing day I've lost count the amount of times he has hit me in someway or another. Even him poking his finger right into the skin below my ear lobe really hurt. Throughout the years we have both been violent, I tend to throw things. I had a black eye a few months back and right now I have a bruise on my tummy where he grabbed my phone and slammed it on me. I am not a victim, well I don't feel like a domestic abuse victim but I suppose I am in a way a victim just now because o haven't done a thing wrong except confront him over what he has done. Its 7.55am here and before he left for work I got poked in the face for asking him why I couldn't find him on imigur yet he has 100's of followers..... I need a long hard think. I can't go on like this. I feel better when he is at work because I know he has no internet and can't do anything. I'm constantly on egg shells when he is home. I just can't believe I was so fucking stupid! He came home from work had dinner went upstairs and that was him! Never sat with us in the sitting room never took us anywhere never came when we were going anywhere. All that time he was either watching porn or talking to girl on here or twitter. That is a hard pill to swallow. He also has a gambling addiction that he admits to...what a catch! I know what I need to do but doing it is a different story altogether.
If your partner is violent to you then get out now. I grew up with a violent father who used beat my mum up and men like that will never change. Also the fact that your other half tells you that he is going to walk out and leave you and the kids is emotional bullying and he's doing this to make you feel that you're somehow to blame and to try and control you. Growing up with a violent father will affect your kids, your kids will see what's going on and it will affect them, I know this, as it affected me, I grew up being distrustful of men. Get out while you can.
In addition to leaving and then divorcing this guy get a copy of the book "Men Who Hate Women and The Women Who Love Them"
that's what hurts more than anything that I know he would rather have that than me. He even said if I didn't stop going on about it he was leaving, deleting and blocking my number and never seeing the kids again!!! They are 15 and 10. I don't know what to do because I cannot trust him to be good. I've stopped going to friends houses on a weekend because I cannot trust him.
