Reviews of BDSM "How-to" Books

13 Jan 2015

I am sure that many Lush members read more widely than just here on Lush, and among members interested in the BDSM lifestyle, many of us have read some of the many self-help books on the subject. I am interested in continually expanding my own knowledge of the lifestyle, but it is hard to tell from the typical blurb about a book that appears with the book's listing on some website whether the book will be worth my time or not. I am hopeful that interested readers will share reviews of the books they have read, giving us all a bit more information about books we may be considering.

13 Jan 2015

Review: Making Online Submission Work For You
lunaKM and jessica elizabeth
www.submissiveguide.com (I have no affiliation with this web site or the authors)
ASIN:B0058OCTXY
22 pages
Publication Date: June 28, 2011

I am an online Dom, so my review is written from that perspective. I originally bought copies of the book for myself and for a sub who was curious about D/s relationships, but had never been in one. I bought the Kindle version of this book for $0.99, but it is available for free on the web site shown above as a PDF file. Though a "recommended" price is $5.00, you may pay whatever you think the book is worth. The author first began exploring BDSM through online relationships, ultimately moving to a full-time real-life relationship.

The "Introduction" discusses why people seek online relationships, and how the relationships typically work.

The next section of the book was the most useful to me: "Can Online Training Work?" This section explains that a D/s relationship will include tasks for a submissive to perform, then offers several good ideas about punishments. The author mentions a number of typical "tasks" for a submissive. Since some of these tasks will be time-consuming, they may be harder for some submissives to do if they are working or going to school full-time, or still living at home or are in a real-life relationship. The author made what I think is an important point about punishments: "... punishment is not to be enjoyed by either party in order for it to work correctly. It is difficult for sex to be a good punishment because of this." The punishments suggested generally meet this criterion. Since they will be unpleasant to do, they should be more meaningful to the sub and her Dom. The section also goes into ways to provide proof that a punishment has been done. The author states that training and punishment depend on good communication, and must be subject to discussion and negotiation.

"The Dangers of Blind Faith" section of the book explains how to be cautious when seeking an online Dom and offers some tips about how to decide if a Dom has your best interests at heart or not.

"Staying Safe Online" goes over the things that a submissive should NOT reveal, or be required to reveal. These seemed obvious to me, but may not be so obvious to a young sub. It also includes some comments about "Keep[ing] Your Heart Protected", urging caution about falling in love online.

In "Real Life vs. Online", the author discusses her transition from an online relationship to a full-time real life relationship, making the obvious point that the two relationships are not the same.

The book closes with "When Online Isn't Enough", which suggests some ways to get connected with the real life BDSM community.

This book is a great resource, especially considering its $0.99 price. For people interested in what an online relationship might be like, either Dom or sub, it has lots of good introductory information packed into its 22 pages.

3 Feb 2015

REVIEW: 62Q - Sixty-two Questions For Your Dominant
Michael Makai
ASIN: B00P6OA3J8
200 pages
Publication Date: November 2, 2014
smashwords.com: $6.95 in various electronic formats
amazon.com: $6.95 Kindle Edition; $12.81 Paperback

This book is intended to provide submissives with questions to ask when interviewing prospective Dominants as they evaluate starting a D/s relationship. The focus is on real-life relationships, and has little to say about online relationships. In that context, some questions are not relevant, but many others would convey useful information about a prospective Dominant for an online one.

Chapter One offers guidance about how to interview a Dominant in general - being tactful, showing genuine interest, asking open-ended questions, etc., then suggests a nominal scoring system for the answers received from the Dom being interviewed (red flag, yellow flag, green flag). He lists some stupid questions he has been asked in the past by inquiring subs:

Q: What's your favorite safeword?
Me: "More."

Q: If I told you I'd do anything to serve you, what would you have me do?
Me: Mow and edge my lawn. You got a weedeater?

Makai is serious about his subject, but his "snarky" humor (his word), like in his answers to the questions above, runs throughout the book.

Makai sees the interview process as an on-going one. In Chapter Two he talks a bit about how the questions are organized against the timeline of a progressing relationship, from first interactions, all the way through, and even after, accepting a Dom's collar and embarking on a 24/7 relationship. The chapter includes a worthwhile comment about the pitfalls of "New Relationship Energy", which he defines as "... that wonderful, giddy feeling you get in the initial phases of any budding relationship."

The questions begin in Chapter Two as well. All of the questions are posed in the same format:
Question: The main point being considered
Follow-up questions: Additional questions a sub might ask to expand the answer to the main question
Why it's important: How the question helps the sub decide if the Dom will suit her/him or not
How to interpret the answer: Possible explanations or hidden meanings in the answers received, but also explanations for why an apparently negative answer may not necessarily be so.
What you should do about it: What the sub should do with the information received, or how she might want to respond to it
My Two Cents: Anecdotes from Makai's own experiences, usually humorous, some hilarious, but all of them explaining how the question did, or might have, prevented difficulties for the sub.

The questions themselves cover a Dominant's attitudes and beliefs about D/s relationships, experience in the lifestyle, typical expectations he has of sub activities, accountability, punishment, and duties that might be imposed, personal information about the Dom, where he lives, what kind of job he has, if he is financially secure, whether he has any medical or other issues the sub will have to deal with at some time in the future, what he does for fun outside of D/s and BDSM activities.

Chapter Three lists questions a sub might ask as the relationship progresses, but before a collar is accepted. These questions include whether the sub is what the Dom expected her to be, if there is any "Prime Directive" rule that supercedes all others, what the limits of the Dom's authority are regarding the sub's finances, child discipline, future career choices, etc.

In Chapter Four, the four of the remaining questions cover the sub's status as the Dom's property, whether she must keep a journal for him to review, what the sub may disclose to others about the relationship, and more specificity about the commitment symbolized by the collar. The final question asks where the relationship will go after the collaring: what is the next phase of our relationship, how will we get there, how long will it take, and how will it make us happier.

In the Epilogue, Makai encourages the prospective sub to get into the local BDSM community to develop a network of friends and others who can offer her insights about potential Doms, and to cut her losses when the questions indicate that a particular Dom will not be a good fit for her.

Throughout the book, Makai emphasizes that most of the questions cannot really inform a sub, until she understands her own expectations about what the question means to her. He stresses, over and over, that a sub has a responsibility to be informed, too. He also makes the point that the questions are a screening process to help the sub find a candidate Dom that is compatible. It is not a measure of whether a Dom is necessarily good or bad, but whether he is Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong. That said, the first group of questions may also ferret out posers and others who may not have the sub's best interests at heart.

The book also includes a Glossary of BDSM terms.

The book asks good, reasonable questions, even as it reminds a sub that a Dom with all "green flag answers still may not be the right one, and "red flag" answers do not necessarily automatically rule out a potential Dom. The sub still must take her time with the decisions about a possible relationship, and listen to her friends and her own intuition.

As I Dom, I found myself trying with each question, to see how I measure up, so it was a worthwhile read for me.

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