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Psychology of BDSM.

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Milktin
Rookie Scribe
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I am very interested in the psychology of BDSM; why people like it, why people benefit from it.

Has anyone come across any good papers or talks that are worthwhile?

I'm more interested in the psychological domination aspect of it, and am not as interested in non-psychological fetishes like feet and feces.
Magical_felix
Wild at Heart
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Here are some half-baked musings.

Sex. No matter the experience or type of sex that is being had, there is always one partner that is more dominant than the other. Even two virgins going at, there will be someone on top doing the fucking. Sometimes a woman is on top and she is grinding into the guy, she is the more dominate partner. And any other vanilla sex practices you can think of. What I'm getting at is that the more sex you have the more things you try and the more desensitized you get. Just like anything else, the more you practice a sport or play a game, the better you get at it.

Also...

Like I think everyone can agree that sex isn't just about how good a pussy feels with a dick in it. Other things come into play... Like the way a woman moans during sex. If you isolate the audio of some couples during sex you sometimes can't tell if the woman is getting fucked or if she just stubbed her toe on her bed. Sex moans sound a lot like pain moans. This is exciting to most men, Its how we evolved. Who knows why we evolved that way? Maybe our early ancestors way of romancing was hitting the local cave skank over her head and dragging her to his side of the cave for some in-out action. That cave skank might have been in pain and the first sex noises were created. Maybe because many of us men loose our virginity to virgin girls and it's our first sex experience so it gets ingrained in our minds. You all know how virgins usually don't cry out "Fuck me harder stallion!" They tend to suppress their painful sounding moans, many of them are in pain. Who the fuck knows? But I believe that women evolved to moan that way to turn men on.

So pain and domination are a huge part of sex. Some people get bored with the same old fucking. They start to call each other "daddy" or "slut." They may want to cum on his girlfriend's face after the 4th time they've fucked that day... You start to want to push the envelope.

Why don't you get on top baby.

Oh my god you swallowed! You've never done that before? I love you!

I want you to grab me by the hair when we do it doggy-style.

Lets try anal!

Hey, put your face in the pillow bitch!

You've been a bad girl! Daddy's gonna spank you!

Oh hey, what are you doing? You're not my husband!

Hey baby will you dress up as a school girl for me? Sure honey, you gonna spank me with your ruler?

I want you to choke me when you fuck me next time!

Baby can I piss on you? Only if I can piss on you first? Alright!

Check out these handcuffs...

Look at this whip... I can whip you then fuck your pink bottom.

Will you wear a mask next time you tie me up so I can't see your face?

Check out this paddle it has studs on it.

Hey baby what are you doing, whittling? Is that a piece of ginger?!
Guest
Lurker
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that was awesome MF. you're funny and smart. we like that smile

but can someone tell me whats up with the ginger??
WellMadeMale
Constant Gardener
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Quote by LittleMissBitch

but can someone tell me whats up with the ginger??


You might say it's the ultimate inside joke, LMB.
The same GQP demanding we move on from January 6th, 2021 is still doing audits of the November 3rd, 2020 election.
Magical_felix
Wild at Heart
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Quote by LittleMissBitch
that was awesome MF. you're funny and smart. we like that smile

but can someone tell me whats up with the ginger??


From urban dictionary.

Figging.

A peeled ginger root, shaped like a slender butt plug, inserted into the anus without lubrication of any kind. The ginger juices cause pain and extreme horniness. The person belonging to said anus become twitchy, jumpy and very lively. The effect lasts for about 20 minutes or more depending on the freshness and strength of the root. The root can also be applied directly to the clitoris or inserted into the urethra. Just be sure the sliver can be retrieved. Also, after peeling the ginger, wash your hands afterward because ginger juice in the eye just plain hurts like a mother fucker and is not fun or horny inducing in any way!

The word comes from the 18th century. Unscrupulous horse dealers would insert a peeled ginger root into the anus of a slow or half dead horse. The horse would become lively and hold its tail better. The spelling was feague, but over time became figging.

And thanks LMB.
Guest
Lurker
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Quote by Magical_felix
Quote by LittleMissBitch
that was awesome MF. you're funny and smart. we like that smile

but can someone tell me whats up with the ginger??


From urban dictionary.

Figging.

A peeled ginger root, shaped like a slender butt plug, inserted into the anus without lubrication of any kind. The ginger juices cause pain and extreme horniness. The person belonging to said anus become twitchy, jumpy and very lively. The effect lasts for about 20 minutes or more depending on the freshness and strength of the root. The root can also be applied directly to the clitoris or inserted into the urethra. Just be sure the sliver can be retrieved. Also, after peeling the ginger, wash your hands afterward because ginger juice in the eye just plain hurts like a mother fucker and is not fun or horny inducing in any way!

The word comes from the 18th century. Unscrupulous horse dealers would insert a peeled ginger root into the anus of a slow or half dead horse. The horse would become lively and hold its tail better. The spelling was feague, but over time became figging.

And thanks LMB.


i had no idea...learn something new every day. now, where's that paring knife...? ;)
Dancing_Doll
Alpha Blonde
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Oh Felix... you totally deserve an Editor's Choice ribbon for that forum post. Brilliant!
sprite
Her Royal Spriteness
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Quote by LittleMissBitch


i had no idea...learn something new every day. now, where's that paring knife...? ;)


you mean you missed that discussion? girl, you so need to get educated... ok, funny, but this subject (the psychology of bdsm) is near and dear to my heart - expect a chime in somewhere in the near future... in the meantime, i will throw this out there. Psychology is the correct term to use, here - those outside of it, i know this for fact, look at it as pleasure and pain, physical sensations, and yes, sensation is very important, but in my view, that's just a part of it. it's the mental and emotional elements, even more so then in straight sex, that play a large part of bdsm.

let's take spanking, for example - it's not just the feel of the paddle as it caresses the flesh, the sharp sting of pain as it strikes, the heat of pain as it spreads through your bottom... it's the emotion of the moment, that feeling of being dirty, of being punished, humiliation, LOVE, yes, love or affection, that someone cares enough to hurt you, to punish you, that feeling of loss of control, of being made to be bad, god, i wish i could explain this better, as i said, i will try, but it's something you either feel or don't - not everyone gets it, bdsm or D/s relationships, or what have you...

btw, here's an eye opener - a lot of subs who are into D/s? it's all about having control rather than giving it up. we have a CHOICE, we choose our partner, who we decide to relinquish control to, we trust them, GOOD D/s relationships have a serious of red/yellow/and green lights in them - certain things that we can trust our Dom/mes to either do to us, be careful about, or NEVER subject us to. and we have the ability to put a stop to anything that makes us uncomfortable with the use of a safe word. total control over what is done to us and, for many of us, that is very important - i have been in relationships where i lost control, where it was taken from me - i think, because of this, i am more drawn to elements of bdsm, not despite it. it's good to know that you have a Dom/me who will take care of you, look out for your safety, protect you and yes, sexually stimulate you as well.

ok, that's it for now. back later for more insights smile

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
Guest
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Quote by sprite

you mean you missed that discussion? girl, you so need to get educated...


i did and are you offering? ;-)
AngelHeart01
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by Magical_felix


Why don't you get on top baby.

Oh my god you swallowed! You've never done that before? I love you!

I want you to grab me by the hair when we do it doggy-style.

Lets try anal!

Hey, put your face in the pillow bitch!

You've been a bad girl! Daddy's gonna spank you!

Oh hey, what are you doing? You're not my husband!

Hey baby will you dress up as a school girl for me? Sure honey, you gonna spank me with your ruler?

I want you to choke me when you fuck me next time!

Baby can I piss on you? Only if I can piss on you first? Alright!

Check out these handcuffs...

Look at this whip... I can whip you then fuck your pink bottom.

Will you wear a mask next time you tie me up so I can't see your face?

Check out this paddle it has studs on it.

Hey baby what are you doing, whittling? Is that a piece of ginger?!



WOW, is nothing sacred? You promised you wouldn't tell.
Buz
The Linebacker
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Well, I'll be damned!
castlequeen
Active Ink Slinger
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You got a month? Understanding the psychology of BDSM is not an easy subject!

We actually studied it in school for a bit and read Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism, which is an excellent book, in a continuing ed class. I don't know if his books are still out there but Jack Rinella has also written a number of how to/understanding books on the subject that are all uniformly excellent, more on the technical side, but he does cover the psychology of it somewhat.

There's far more to it than most people realize in that 90% of what you see and read about in books and movies in less than 10% of what actually goes on. The dom/sub relationship can be very far-reaching, but it can also be incredibly miniscule in what some might consider "kink". One partner might simply never let his woman be on top, and insist that she always be below him, that's actually a dom/sub thing if she's OK with it. They may not realize it for what it is, but it's real. She may insist on him being fully naked every single time, he might demand that she always wear lingerie, it's as much a part of the dom/sub relationship as her peeing in his mouth, but it's not as uh, titillating as the really freaky stuff.

It can also be incredibly useful as a therapeutic tool, yeah, I said it. People have recovered memories of abuse, , and molestation during BDSM scenes, which have helped them get the help they needed.

I suspect though, that your interest in the "psychology" of it is based on one I hear all the time; "Am I normal for wanting to do this stuff or am I some sick freak?" and the answer is NO, you are not some sicko, and YES, it's very normal. It's also not in the least bit harmful as long as both partners understand things like safewords and setting (and understanding) limits. You want to dress up in a leather Boy Scout uniform and have her tie you up while she force-feeds you Twinkies and grape soda while screaming at you in Swahili and slapping your ass with a wooden cooking spoon? Go for it.


Take pictures though, that sounds pretty freaky for those of us who enjoy watching that sort of thing, and we're a whole different equation there...
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere." - Groucho Marx
Milktin
Rookie Scribe
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Quote by castlequeen
The dom/sub relationship can be very far-reaching, but it can also be incredibly miniscule in what some might consider "kink".

It can also be incredibly useful as a therapeutic tool, yeah, I said it. People have recovered memories of abuse, , and molestation during BDSM scenes, which have helped them get the help they needed.

I suspect though, that your interest in the "psychology" of it is based on one I hear all the time; "Am I normal for wanting to do this stuff or am I some sick freak?"


Thanks for the input!

Do you find most cases of BDSM are from people looking for interpersonal experiences and development, or do you find them to be used by couples who are strengthening their relationship through it?

I'm actually pretty comfortable with my attitude towards it, it's more of a genuine curiosity.
castlequeen
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by Milktin
Quote by castlequeen
The dom/sub relationship can be very far-reaching, but it can also be incredibly miniscule in what some might consider "kink".

It can also be incredibly useful as a therapeutic tool, yeah, I said it. People have recovered memories of abuse, , and molestation during BDSM scenes, which have helped them get the help they needed.

I suspect though, that your interest in the "psychology" of it is based on one I hear all the time; "Am I normal for wanting to do this stuff or am I some sick freak?"


Thanks for the input!

Do you find most cases of BDSM are from people looking for interpersonal experiences and development, or do you find them to be used by couples who are strengthening their relationship through it?

I'm actually pretty comfortable with my attitude towards it, it's more of a genuine curiosity.


You'd be surprised how many people do use it as a growth thing. I met a couple who were about as bland as you could be, but they'd expressed an interest in adding some kink to their life after having a baby (she was dealing with some post-partum issues). I suggested a little role-play, and then possibly see if a tiny bit of bondage might work out for them. It did, and less than a year later they were into all kinds of kink, exhibitionism, and had jazzed up their "regular" lives with dance classes, river rafting, etc. Of course their own relationship was much stronger as well and she'd found that taking the lead in some kink had made her a much stronger person in all areas.

Then there ARE the people who just say "Ah, what the hell, looks like fun, gimme a paddle!"
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere." - Groucho Marx
Guest
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Oh wow I could go on this subject for quite some time. First I would look at the motivation factor. Sadly some people have unhealthy motivations. Some feel that they deserve to be punished and the BDSM community is a place to hide in plain sight. Others enjoy inflicting pain on people in an unhealthy way. They find the BDSM community as an outlet to harm others while avoiding prosecution. This is a small group, as with any large group of people, you will find a few that are driven by unhealthy forces.
We also have to take into account, exposure. There have been several studies over the years that have concluded that what kind of information and images you are exposed to in the years that the bulk of your sexuality is formed has a dramatic effect on preferences. IE: those exposed to images of bondage while they are sexually stimulated manually at the age of 12 will most likely explore BSDM in their adult lives.
The majority of people I have found are into it for the right reasons. They understand that there is a lot of care, skill, creativity, trust, and real pleasure that can be found in the BDSM community and through it's acts. The endorphine release can often be addicting in it's own. Your body chemically responds to pleasure, pain, excitement as well as everything else that effects it.
I could continue, but I don't want to spend days writing a novel. This is a good question that can not easily be answered. There's actually a lot of research out there on this very topic. A good place to start may be an Abnormal Psychology class at a local community college. One of the classes offered at one of my schools was actually focused on Fetish and BDSM in a very clinical approach. It was actually one of the better classes I ever took.
Milktin
Rookie Scribe
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Quote by rockstar81

There's actually a lot of research out there on this very topic. A good place to start may be an Abnormal Psychology class at a local community college. One of the classes offered at one of my schools was actually focused on Fetish and BDSM in a very clinical approach. It was actually one of the better classes I ever took.


I don't really have time for a class. Do you have the names of any textbooks you used?
Milktin
Rookie Scribe
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Quote by castlequeen
Quote by Milktin
Quote by castlequeen
The dom/sub relationship can be very far-reaching, but it can also be incredibly miniscule in what some might consider "kink".

It can also be incredibly useful as a therapeutic tool, yeah, I said it. People have recovered memories of abuse, , and molestation during BDSM scenes, which have helped them get the help they needed.

I suspect though, that your interest in the "psychology" of it is based on one I hear all the time; "Am I normal for wanting to do this stuff or am I some sick freak?"


Thanks for the input!

Do you find most cases of BDSM are from people looking for interpersonal experiences and development, or do you find them to be used by couples who are strengthening their relationship through it?

I'm actually pretty comfortable with my attitude towards it, it's more of a genuine curiosity.


You'd be surprised how many people do use it as a growth thing. I met a couple who were about as bland as you could be, but they'd expressed an interest in adding some kink to their life after having a baby. I suggested a little role-play, and then possibly see if a tiny bit of bondage might work out for them. It did, and less than a year later they were into all kinds of kink, exhibitionism, and had jazzed up their "regular" lives with dance classes, river rafting, etc. Of course their own relationship was much stronger as well and she'd found that taking the lead in some kink had made her a much stronger person in all areas.


So do you think that the immediate pleasure derived from the acts is partly caused by the confidence you know you'll get after?
Guest
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Quote by Milktin
Quote by rockstar81

There's actually a lot of research out there on this very topic. A good place to start may be an Abnormal Psychology class at a local community college. One of the classes offered at one of my schools was actually focused on Fetish and BDSM in a very clinical approach. It was actually one of the better classes I ever took.


I don't really have time for a class. Do you have the names of any textbooks you used?


That was like 12 years ago or more... I'll do some digging. See if for some reason my parents kept any of my old text books or have receipts for taxes or something.