I've been doing some reading on Dom/Sub relationships

Rookie Scribe

0 likes 29 Jan 2014

I'm becoming curious about it more and more. I am completely ignorant on this subject as I've only read about it (websites and fiction) and have not had an opportunity to have a frank discussion about this with someone that understands.

I'm a control freak in my day by day life, which leads men to believe I want to control sex as well (and planning the romantic/date night dinners that lead to sex). I really do not want this and enjoy when a man takes over my body. However that has only happened once to me and the relationship ended after 3 months, leaving me feeling empty and unfulfilled.

How do I go about finding someone who understand my need give up control with my life in regards to the sexual part, but retain it outside of that? Is it possible in this kind of relationship?

I'm don't mean to sound like a complete idiot and if I'm romancing this too much, then please tell me. From what I've read, I've seen a few different aspects of a Dom/Sub relationship. Some are about complete control, some about a lot of pain, some about humiliation and some about handing over my sexuality to a Dom.

I do appreciate anyone that can educate me on this matter. Thank you so much.

Guest

Lurker

0 likes 29 Jan 2014

Quote by Prudence46
I'm becoming curious about it more and more. I am completely ignorant on this subject as I've only read about it (websites and fiction) and have not had an opportunity to have a frank discussion about this with someone that understands.

I'm a control freak in my day by day life, which leads men to believe I want to control sex as well (and planning the romantic/date night dinners that lead to sex). I really do not want this and enjoy when a man takes over my body. However that has only happened once to me and the relationship ended after 3 months, leaving me feeling empty and unfulfilled.

How do I go about finding someone who understand my need give up control with my life in regards to the sexual part, but retain it outside of that? Is it possible in this kind of relationship?

I'm don't mean to sound like a complete idiot and if I'm romancing this too much, then please tell me. From what I've read, I've seen a few different aspects of a Dom/Sub relationship. Some are about complete control, some about a lot of pain, some about humiliation and some about handing over my sexuality to a Dom.

I do appreciate anyone that can educate me on this matter. Thank you so much.

BDSM is both a kink and/or a lifestyle. As you have probably discovered, it has a very wide range of interests and dynamics from mild to wild.

Yes, it is quite possible to keep a "kink" in the bedroom where you give up control THERE, but not in your daily life. I consider that pure "kink", and not lifestyle at all. But there is nothing wrong with that. Many people have kinks in their sexual lives that they don't bring outside the bedroom, and that ranges from certain fetishes, role play, and other things.

It is also a mistake for people to think that because you like a certain kink associated with BDSM that they need to jump all in and live the lifestyle. You do NOT. Nor does being submissive in BED make you a sub by default. That IMO is simply a power play and not true submissive behavior. Again, there is NOTHING wrong with that. But people need to understand what is, and what is not. Being honest with yourself and your partner is one of the keys to a successful dynamic.

Also a person may be interested in the harder side of BDSM (SM) in a receiving role and NOT be a sub either. Being TAKEN or USED does not make one a sub, nor does allowing yourself to be make you one either. It is the spirit in which it is being done that does. There is a good thread farther down in this section that talks about brats, and that has some good information on how being "dominated" or "subdued" does not always make the person a sub.

Yes, I think a LOT of people romanticize about BDSM. They like the IDEA of it, but in reality it is just another fantasy or momentary fascination. Or, they simply like rough dominating sex... which seems to be the case for MOST people who have a curiosity about BDSM and have "done some reading". I have found though, that those who fit naturally with the lifestyle have always seemed to BE the role anyways. Finding a suitable partner only helped bring that out and refine it. They always felt like something was lacking, or there was "more" to them (not just sexually).

I think in today's society, women have a harder time with their roles than ever before. They are told that they don't need men, that they should never submit to a man, they need to be in control of every aspect of their lives, etc. They are told that if you submit, or give yourself to a man you are somehow less than you should be. I disagree completely. I think it makes a woman MORE, not less (if that is her NATURE). What she gives is a true GIFT. It is not to be TAKEN, but instead "accepted". If you take something by force (be it physical or mental), you never truly had it to begin with.

There are many things that cross from outside BDSM to inside. The lines are not strict, but very blurred at the edges. Finding where YOU fit in, if at all, is important. You didn't give much information, so my response was just a quick "something to think about" back to you. If you continue the discussion, I am sure better answers will be given by members.

Guest

Lurker

0 likes 29 Jan 2014

Best start - find a Munch in your area and start attending. Munches are held in a public venue - bar or bistro - and are just a meet-and-greet with the local community

A listing of munches can be found here - Munch Listings

Start slow - get to know the people, let them get to know you. There are so many varieties of Dom/mes that you're going to have to talk, negotiate and really be careful as there are some that can talk-the-talk, but are in it for other reasons.

I was 4 years in the community before I finally met my one girl Becky - and it was over six-months of play-parties, private play and even 'vanilla' socializing before we decided that 'Yes, we are compatible' - then after we both decided that a second would be good - another 2 years before we met Tani - and the same 6-months+ before the three of us went 'Ya, this works' - so take your time and don't fall in with someone blindly.

Just as in any relationship, it takes time to find 'the right one'.

I would also pay attention to what John said above me - close attention.

Guest

Lurker

0 likes 29 Jan 2014

I will warn though, that simply liking certain aspects of BDSM does NOT (I stress this) mean you should be in a D/s RELATIONSHIP. Nor does it mean you should go to Munchs. In fact I know plenty who are IN the BDSM community that avoid Munches at all cost... and for some darn good reasons. And while Munches CAN be a good thing for folks either curious about BDSM or those who are new to it, they can be vary dangerous as well. They are often places where others are taken advantage of, and people become exposed. So.... while an option (and might be right for some), it is not by far the only option people have.

But starting slow is IMO great advice no matter what path a person takes.

Good luck.

EttaDavis

Active Ink Slinger

0 likes 6 Feb 2014

A great source for learning, having people that understand you and just getting involved in a more kinky lifestyle is If you do decide to join (more then likely in your own area)there will be a local play space/dungeon where you can go learn and meet like minded individuals.

beinggood

Active Ink Slinger

0 likes 2 Mar 2014

I believe it is something one feels inside. I have always known inside that I was a switch...I love both sides of my lifestyle

doing my best to be good..

Unknown User

0 likes 16 Mar 2014

Quote by Prudence46
I'm becoming curious about it more and more. I am completely ignorant on this subject as I've only read about it (websites and fiction) and have not had an opportunity to have a frank discussion about this with someone that understands.

I'm a control freak in my day by day life, which leads men to believe I want to control sex as well (and planning the romantic/date night dinners that lead to sex). I really do not want this and enjoy when a man takes over my body. However that has only happened once to me and the relationship ended after 3 months, leaving me feeling empty and unfulfilled.

How do I go about finding someone who understand my need give up control with my life in regards to the sexual part, but retain it outside of that? Is it possible in this kind of relationship?

I'm don't mean to sound like a complete idiot and if I'm romancing this too much, then please tell me. From what I've read, I've seen a few different aspects of a Dom/Sub relationship. Some are about complete control, some about a lot of pain, some about humiliation and some about handing over my sexuality to a Dom.

I do appreciate anyone that can educate me on this matter. Thank you so much.

I am not sure I can educate, but I can lend you my experience and tell you there are plenty of opportunties to learn and discover what things YOU might enjoy. I think it makes sense (to me) that people into the BDSM as a lifestyle ARE people who already have very good ideas of what they want and need. It is for that reason they seek out and are often drawn to people and things (in my opinion). It may take someone MORE dominant than you to help you feel more of that traditional role. That is fine. We each define what BDSM works for us and means to us. With so much to choose from and so many things that fall under that umbrella~ everyone is different. It is more a matter of just finding someone who shares YOUR tastes and interests. They can teach you or you two can explore together. I am not sure how me and mine found our way here. I think we just kept realising each other's interests, sexual fantasies, and likes, and soon put two and two together and began to play and discover. (We did that by ourselves). It did not take us long before we realised our main kinks and roles within the sexual relationship worked well together and naturally fit, so we continued and and kept discovering together. That is our experience, Sure we knew some things, but it was limited on BDSM. Now we are still a bit of beginners, (only a year or a little more) and are always learning.

It can be a really fun, a great fantastical journey, and a deeply intimate thing with the right person. Remember to be safe, be sane about things, and of course: comsensual... I think you will find it can be anything you want (and nothing you don't want. You just need the special person to share that same page).