I know the fictional representations of Doms and real men who engage in the lifestyle are light years apart, probably galaxies apart. In what sense?
I've read a few too many fictional pieces of the BDSM flavor, and it seems that the more I read, the more the fictional Doms are alike: Insensitive, cold, distant, unfeeling, and many have some ridiculous aversion to touch (kissing, casual contact, etc). I can't imagine that dominants are actually that far-gone as people. Some tedious details are worked into them, too, like some horrific moment in their childhood made them this way, or all those years as an undercover stealth militant fighter from some overlord torched their heart, one book I read didn't even give him a character history, he just was this sex least that stayed in a hotel room on the weekends.
In truth: it seems as if the fictional world has taken the entire lifestyle and used it to write out 'women and their bad romance experiences' rather than trying to represent, even just a sliver, of what a real dominant is like. Or perhaps it's it's an extreme overreaction to the 'metrosexual male' that seemed to take over so many stories in the last decade or so - like masculinity was gone for too long so now they want to make up for it double-time.
Big-haired Bitch/Personality Hire
Just visit a Lush chat room, doesn't have to necessarily be the BDSM one...but any given one. You'll see the discrepancy. The fake ones put on airs and try to establish their domship above all else and to anyone willing (or unwilling) to listen.
I've met some cool doms here. They're more lax about it and less in your face. Don't get me wrong, it's not something they conceal, but it's not something they feel a need to throw around, either. If it comes up, it comes up. They really have nothing to prove to anyone. They're confident and generally amiable people. Real doms exude power and passion, and they seek to satisfy mutual needs. It's not about one-sided control, but mutual surrender. At least that's what I personally think it should be.
Then there are the blowhards with short tempers. The ones that think that since they've convinced themselves that they're a dom, they can throw their weight around and DEMAND others' respect. They use it as a crutch and are really nothing more than insecure bullies spoiling for a fight. They're also kind of obsessive. The fake doms are ALL about control. And a bit masochistic. More so than usual. What I mean by that is that you'll always see them finding ways to punish their sub, and a lot of them make it known to the public that their sub is being punished, at least from the online perspective from what I've observed. What I mean by that is if they're not talking to their sub, they'll make it known. Or they'll find some way to mention their sub is being punished, even while their sub is in the chat room. And it doesn't have to be physical (in a virtual sense). It's more of a mental thing. They get so far inside their sub's head...it's fascinating in a scary sort of way. You'll recognize them easily. Their relationships don't last long, and nearly every time you see them they'll have a different sub (or set of subs, as lots of them like to have a collection of subs). They have irrational fits of rage when things don't go their way. They'll probably threaten you via their bios (something along the lines of 'So and so is my sub, upset them and feel my wrath!!'). They'll probably play up who they are in real life and present a 'larger than life' image. And as I said, they have short tempers. They're more like children than anything, in my opinion. These, again in my opinion, are the phonies, the posers, and the wannabes. A lot of them are probably betas in real life and choose the internet dom life to compensate.
But internet aside, you can apply this to real life dom situations, and the results would most likely be the same. Of course there are exceptions, but the signs will be there, nonetheless.
For instance, take fictional dom Christian Gray (or is it Grey?). He seemingly had it all. Wealth, power, etc. But he had severe emotional issues. Issues that he took out on what's-her-name. And if it were real life, you could assume he also did it with any sub he had before her.
I said all of this just to say that the fake ones are easy to spot if you look closely enough. The control aspect is more important to them than the relationship aspect. The fake ones want you under their thumb, and they wanna keep you there as long as possible. And they make it extremely difficult for you to get out. They'll play with the emotions of their sub to get them to stay and convince them that it's all love and such, and then fall right back into the same abusive, controlling pattern.
I'm not just speaking based on assumption. I've seen it unfold right in front of me...on several occasions. As I said, it's terrifyingly fascinating to see the grips these type of doms have on people.
░P░U░S░S░Y░ ░I░N░ ░B░I░O░
Interesting and thorough - good food for thought. Thank you for taking the time to respond.
first off, it seems that people who write bdsm stories do it from the outside looking in. they don't get it right because they have no idea what goes on in a real bdsm relationship. to them - and boy, do they EVER get it wrong (50 shades of grey).
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
The difference for me is that the doms that I know are real people. Meaning that they aren't self loathing assholes that are inflicting pain because they've been hurt in the past.
They read, they research, they practice, they laugh, they make mistakes, they apologize, and sometimes they don't want to play. Sometimes they just want you to make them a damned drink.
One thing that I hate about fictional BDSM is that the men are usually abusers who end up feeling sorry over the pain that they have inflicted on some young, poor, unsuspecting vanilla girl.
I can only speak for myself and the (very) little I know so far - plus, and even worse, I don't really know about fictional doms.
What I can say though (before I get kicked out of this post - lol!) is that it's a bit like the question "Do all women do this or that" or "Do all the Europeans do this or that..." (no offense, Metilda, it's just a thought of mine. I'm a woman. And hey, all women love shoes and shopping for them, no? Only I don't. In fact, I hate them and having to buy them... you know what I mean?) As for my Master, he is as real as it gets.
He doesn't need to pretend or talk about it. It's not a title, it's something he is, it's his nature and he doesn't need to talk about it much. I could almost go for a re-write of the song of songs here, but I will spare you this torture.
It's about handing over control to him. He isn't a control freak, he actually trusts me - just as I trust him by handing over this control - as much as I'm able to. It's about learning and talking and sharing a lot. And some more trusting. And then trusting him to know and understand me well enough to take the right decision, or doing or requesting what is possible and adequate at the moment. He's no messed up, traumatized and mean guy having to tame his daemons by inflicting pain on a poor submissive woman without a soul, mind or character. He's actually a nice guy (je n'ai pas dit "trop gentil", d'accord?), or I could even go as far as saying good guy.
I'm still trying to figure out this whole thing and wrap my mind around it. I'm not good at this and still very hesitant. I would - in a way - compare it to any "normal" relationship, only there is a very clear definition of who plays which role and who has what rights. It's extremely honest, down to the bone and very challenging. I love it.
Maybe the main difference is that it's so much more better than fiction could ever get...
Being a domme is hard work and can be exhausting if you have the wrong sub. Fiction is what it is but its harder in real life. Some think they want it but they really don't understand it is beyond the physical contact.
