I know the fictional representations of Doms and real men who engage in the lifestyle are light years apart, probably galaxies apart. In what sense?
I've read a few too many fictional pieces of the BDSM flavor, and it seems that the more I read, the more the fictional Doms are alike: Insensitive, cold, distant, unfeeling, and many have some ridiculous aversion to touch (kissing, casual contact, etc). I can't imagine that dominants are actually that far-gone as people. Some tedious details are worked into them, too, like some horrific moment in their childhood made them this way, or all those years as an undercover stealth militant fighter from some overlord torched their heart, one book I read didn't even give him a character history, he just was this sex least that stayed in a hotel room on the weekends.
In truth: it seems as if the fictional world has taken the entire lifestyle and used it to write out 'women and their bad romance experiences' rather than trying to represent, even just a sliver, of what a real dominant is like. Or perhaps it's it's an extreme overreaction to the 'metrosexual male' that seemed to take over so many stories in the last decade or so - like masculinity was gone for too long so now they want to make up for it double-time.
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How different are Fiction doms from real doms?
In 'real' BDSM, it's about control...nothing less. Fictional doms are sort of like Homer Simpson meets Lavern and Shirley. Have you heard a piano out of tune? Somewhere the orchestra quit playing. Now if you ask the logical questions, the fictional doms can't answer. Real doms don't play tootie -rootie. 
Quote by adagio
In 'real' BDSM, it's about control...nothing less. Fictional doms are sort of like Homer Simpson meets Lavern and Shirley. Have you heard a piano out of tune? Somewhere the orchestra quit playing. Now if you ask the logical questions, the fictional doms can't answer. Real doms don't play tootie -rootie.
No - I don't buy that they're just control freaks, because if that's the case then the books are 100% accurate. . . and I know it's not like that.
Big-haired Bitch/Personality Hire
Just visit a Lush chat room, doesn't have to necessarily be the BDSM one...but any given one. You'll see the discrepancy. The fake ones put on airs and try to establish their domship above all else and to anyone willing (or unwilling) to listen.
I've met some cool doms here. They're more lax about it and less in your face. Don't get me wrong, it's not something they conceal, but it's not something they feel a need to throw around, either. If it comes up, it comes up. They really have nothing to prove to anyone. They're confident and generally amiable people. Real doms exude power and passion, and they seek to satisfy mutual needs. It's not about one-sided control, but mutual surrender. At least that's what I personally think it should be.
Then there are the blowhards with short tempers. The ones that think that since they've convinced themselves that they're a dom, they can throw their weight around and DEMAND others' respect. They use it as a crutch and are really nothing more than insecure bullies spoiling for a fight. They're also kind of obsessive. The fake doms are ALL about control. And a bit masochistic. More so than usual. What I mean by that is that you'll always see them finding ways to punish their sub, and a lot of them make it known to the public that their sub is being punished, at least from the online perspective from what I've observed. What I mean by that is if they're not talking to their sub, they'll make it known. Or they'll find some way to mention their sub is being punished, even while their sub is in the chat room. And it doesn't have to be physical (in a virtual sense). It's more of a mental thing. They get so far inside their sub's head...it's fascinating in a scary sort of way. You'll recognize them easily. Their relationships don't last long, and nearly every time you see them they'll have a different sub (or set of subs, as lots of them like to have a collection of subs). They have irrational fits of rage when things don't go their way. They'll probably threaten you via their bios (something along the lines of 'So and so is my sub, upset them and feel my wrath!!'). They'll probably play up who they are in real life and present a 'larger than life' image. And as I said, they have short tempers. They're more like children than anything, in my opinion. These, again in my opinion, are the phonies, the posers, and the wannabes. A lot of them are probably betas in real life and choose the internet dom life to compensate.
But internet aside, you can apply this to real life dom situations, and the results would most likely be the same. Of course there are exceptions, but the signs will be there, nonetheless.
For instance, take fictional dom Christian Gray (or is it Grey?). He seemingly had it all. Wealth, power, etc. But he had severe emotional issues. Issues that he took out on what's-her-name. And if it were real life, you could assume he also did it with any sub he had before her.
I said all of this just to say that the fake ones are easy to spot if you look closely enough. The control aspect is more important to them than the relationship aspect. The fake ones want you under their thumb, and they wanna keep you there as long as possible. And they make it extremely difficult for you to get out. They'll play with the emotions of their sub to get them to stay and convince them that it's all love and such, and then fall right back into the same abusive, controlling pattern.
I'm not just speaking based on assumption. I've seen it unfold right in front of me...on several occasions. As I said, it's terrifyingly fascinating to see the grips these type of doms have on people.
I've met some cool doms here. They're more lax about it and less in your face. Don't get me wrong, it's not something they conceal, but it's not something they feel a need to throw around, either. If it comes up, it comes up. They really have nothing to prove to anyone. They're confident and generally amiable people. Real doms exude power and passion, and they seek to satisfy mutual needs. It's not about one-sided control, but mutual surrender. At least that's what I personally think it should be.
Then there are the blowhards with short tempers. The ones that think that since they've convinced themselves that they're a dom, they can throw their weight around and DEMAND others' respect. They use it as a crutch and are really nothing more than insecure bullies spoiling for a fight. They're also kind of obsessive. The fake doms are ALL about control. And a bit masochistic. More so than usual. What I mean by that is that you'll always see them finding ways to punish their sub, and a lot of them make it known to the public that their sub is being punished, at least from the online perspective from what I've observed. What I mean by that is if they're not talking to their sub, they'll make it known. Or they'll find some way to mention their sub is being punished, even while their sub is in the chat room. And it doesn't have to be physical (in a virtual sense). It's more of a mental thing. They get so far inside their sub's head...it's fascinating in a scary sort of way. You'll recognize them easily. Their relationships don't last long, and nearly every time you see them they'll have a different sub (or set of subs, as lots of them like to have a collection of subs). They have irrational fits of rage when things don't go their way. They'll probably threaten you via their bios (something along the lines of 'So and so is my sub, upset them and feel my wrath!!'). They'll probably play up who they are in real life and present a 'larger than life' image. And as I said, they have short tempers. They're more like children than anything, in my opinion. These, again in my opinion, are the phonies, the posers, and the wannabes. A lot of them are probably betas in real life and choose the internet dom life to compensate.
But internet aside, you can apply this to real life dom situations, and the results would most likely be the same. Of course there are exceptions, but the signs will be there, nonetheless.
For instance, take fictional dom Christian Gray (or is it Grey?). He seemingly had it all. Wealth, power, etc. But he had severe emotional issues. Issues that he took out on what's-her-name. And if it were real life, you could assume he also did it with any sub he had before her.
I said all of this just to say that the fake ones are easy to spot if you look closely enough. The control aspect is more important to them than the relationship aspect. The fake ones want you under their thumb, and they wanna keep you there as long as possible. And they make it extremely difficult for you to get out. They'll play with the emotions of their sub to get them to stay and convince them that it's all love and such, and then fall right back into the same abusive, controlling pattern.
I'm not just speaking based on assumption. I've seen it unfold right in front of me...on several occasions. As I said, it's terrifyingly fascinating to see the grips these type of doms have on people.
░P░U░S░S░Y░ ░I░N░ ░B░I░O░
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by slipperywhenwet2012
I said all of this just to say that the fake ones are easy to spot if you look closely enough. The control aspect is more important to them than the relationship aspect. The fake ones want you under their thumb, and they wanna keep you there as long as possible. And they make it extremely difficult for you to get out. They'll play with the emotions of their sub to get them to stay and convince them that it's all love and such, and then fall right back into the same abusive, controlling pattern.
I've encountered this before, and it was my first relationship as a sub. It's extremely hard to get out of the situation, like Slippery said. It also take a lot of time afterwards (at least it did for me) to get over what happened and want to try again.
That being said, finding a real Dom is easy when you know how to separate them from the fakes. I found a real one sitting right under my nose (albeit in a completely different country) that is showing me how night and day different a fake and a real Dom are. It's not about control. They don't want to control you like you're a remote control to a tv or something; it's about you wanting to give them that complete surrender because you can trust them not to abuse that trust and hurt you in any way that you don't want.
Cock Connoisseur
Oh boy where do I start. Dani said a lot of the same things I would. The fakes are so damn easy to spot. Occasionally one might slip through ones radar but that could be more about ones feelings for the person rather than their domination over them. Many factors play into the D/s relationship. But anyone who pays attention can spot the wanna-be's a mile away and Lush is full of them. Its rather amusing at times to observe them in their habitats here on Lush. Those who are in your face about them being a Dom, 9 out of 10 times aren't.
As for the books we read, its merely the writers perspective or perhaps experiences or maybe even desires they may have had or have. 50 Shades is by NO means reality it was nothing more than a good read, for me at least. I took it for what it was a fictional story. A masochist will see it differently than the average reader, a Dom will view it differently as well. Submissive's/slaves will also view it differently depending on what type they may be.
As Dani suggested spend time in the various rooms on Lush and you will be able to answer your own question in a short amount of time, especially if you take the time to read profiles of those you observe. I have personally witnessed this as well as experienced the sole called "fakes" when they try and approach me. Its quite amusing
As for the books we read, its merely the writers perspective or perhaps experiences or maybe even desires they may have had or have. 50 Shades is by NO means reality it was nothing more than a good read, for me at least. I took it for what it was a fictional story. A masochist will see it differently than the average reader, a Dom will view it differently as well. Submissive's/slaves will also view it differently depending on what type they may be.
As Dani suggested spend time in the various rooms on Lush and you will be able to answer your own question in a short amount of time, especially if you take the time to read profiles of those you observe. I have personally witnessed this as well as experienced the sole called "fakes" when they try and approach me. Its quite amusing
Her Royal Spriteness
first off, it seems that people who write bdsm stories do it from the outside looking in. they don't get it right because they have no idea what goes on in a real bdsm relationship. to them - and boy, do they EVER get it wrong (50 shades of grey).
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
Wild at Heart
I think observing a "real life" dom that lives the "lifestyle" would probably be even funnier than observing internet doms.
Like, with the suit and the rules... Like, watching him walk out of the porn shop with a brown bag full of cheaply made sexual aids and get into his dodge stratus. Getting all frustrated if the bindings rip if the sub jerks too hard on them... Putting on his cock ring... The bored look on the low end prostitute pretending to be a sub... Watching him getting yelled at from above his cubicle then going home to put on his power suit and light some candles to become his alter ego, Mr. Professional or whatever. I would pay to watch that. Would be such an awesome reality show.
Like, with the suit and the rules... Like, watching him walk out of the porn shop with a brown bag full of cheaply made sexual aids and get into his dodge stratus. Getting all frustrated if the bindings rip if the sub jerks too hard on them... Putting on his cock ring... The bored look on the low end prostitute pretending to be a sub... Watching him getting yelled at from above his cubicle then going home to put on his power suit and light some candles to become his alter ego, Mr. Professional or whatever. I would pay to watch that. Would be such an awesome reality show.
Her Royal Spriteness
Quote by Magical_felix
I think observing a "real life" dom that lives the "lifestyle" would probably be even funnier than observing internet doms.
Like, with the suit and the rules... Like, watching him walk out of the porn shop with a brown bag full of cheaply made sexual aids and get into his dodge stratus. Getting all frustrated if the bindings rip if the sub jerks too hard on them... Putting on his cock ring... The bored look on the low end prostitute pretending to be a sub... Watching him getting yelled at from above his cubicle then going home to put on his power suit and light some candles to become his alter ego, Mr. Professional or whatever. I would pay to watch that. Would be such an awesome reality show.
dude, no, seriously, i think you're on to something here!
edit: i was going to post more on the subject, but SWW pretty much nailed it on the head and saved me some time.
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
Her Royal Spriteness
Quote by sprite
dude, no, seriously, i think you're on to something here!
edit: btw, i was going to post more in here, but SWW pretty much nailed it on the head and saved me some time.
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
Wild at Heart
Quote by sprite
dude, no, seriously, i think you're on to something here!
How great would it be really? I'm being serious. Like watching every facet of their lives.
Like warming up a hot pocket in his full on dom outfit waiting for the sub to get there 'n' shit. Getting upset when someone cuts in line and watching the dom give a disapproving look. Watching him get mad road rage on his way home from his job before he becomes Mr. Professional. Arguing with kids while playing video games online... Him phoning his friend asking him when he's gonna return his copy of lord of the rings already... Fuck!
Her Royal Spriteness
Quote by Magical_felix
How great would it be really? I'm being serious. Like watching every facet of their lives.
Like warming up a hot pocket in his full on dom outfit waiting for the sub to get there 'n' shit. Getting upset when someone cuts in line and watching the dom give a disapproving look. Watching him get mad road rage on his way home from his job before he becomes Mr. Professional. Arguing with kids while playing video games online... Him phoning his friend asking him when he's gonna return his copy of lord of the rings already... Fuck!
no, i know you are, and so was i - like, instead of big brother, it'd be Big Dom/Little Sub or something like that. i'd totally tune in every week to watch it!
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
Wild at Heart
Quote by sprite
no, i know you are, and so was i - like, instead of big brother, it'd be Big Dom/Little Sub or something like that. i'd totally tune in every week to watch it!
Dude...and on the logo at the beggining. The lowercase d in dom would be crossed out and replaced with an uppercase D. Like, a little animation of it. It's all lowercase and the dom is all frowning then it gets crossed out and replaced with the uppercase D and the dom smiles and gives a thumbs up and the show starts.
Buxom Enigma
I'm just realizing how jaded and twisted we are on here ... 
I'd totally tune in to see Big Dom/little sub After Dark versus that Big Brother crap. I'll bring the popcorn and the crop ... Anyone else in?
I'd totally tune in to see Big Dom/little sub After Dark versus that Big Brother crap. I'll bring the popcorn and the crop ... Anyone else in?
"Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader - not the fact that it is raining, but the feeling of being rained upon." -E.L. Doctorow
Her Royal Spriteness
Quote by little_kitty
I'm just realizing how jaded and twisted we are on here ...
anyone ever tell you that you're kinda slow, sometimes?
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
The Resident Princess
Quote by little_kitty
I'm just realizing how jaded and twisted we are on here ...
I'd totally tune in to see Big Dom/little sub After Dark versus that Big Brother crap. I'll bring the popcorn and the crop ... Anyone else in?
OH Yes me toooo...that would be a good show
Advanced Wordsmith
The difference for me is that the doms that I know are real people. Meaning that they aren't self loathing assholes that are inflicting pain because they've been hurt in the past.
They read, they research, they practice, they laugh, they make mistakes, they apologize, and sometimes they don't want to play. Sometimes they just want you to make them a damned drink.
One thing that I hate about fictional BDSM is that the men are usually abusers who end up feeling sorry over the pain that they have inflicted on some young, poor, unsuspecting vanilla girl.
They read, they research, they practice, they laugh, they make mistakes, they apologize, and sometimes they don't want to play. Sometimes they just want you to make them a damned drink.
One thing that I hate about fictional BDSM is that the men are usually abusers who end up feeling sorry over the pain that they have inflicted on some young, poor, unsuspecting vanilla girl.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by sprite
no, i know you are, and so was i - like, instead of big brother, it'd be Big Dom/Little Sub or something like that. i'd totally tune in every week to watch it!
I will bring the beer, always need to have a good laugh.
On a serious note, I enjoy cherishing my sub, pampering her for being herself. I detest having to give out punishments, now that doesn't mean, she doesn't get spanked when were having fun. The keyword there is fun. I want to always be ready to reward, treat, and love her with all my heart. The rest just finds its own place in our life. I do like to push her boundaries, test her limits. I have to say the most amazing thing about my sub inst her body its her mind. She is very intelligent, loving, and always there for everyone. I could never dream of changing her.
Her Royal Spriteness
Quote by MasterTredem
I will bring the beer, always need to have a good laugh.
On a serious note, I enjoy cherishing my sub, pampering her for being herself. I detest having to give out punishments, now that doesn't mean, she doesn't get spanked when were having fun. The keyword there is fun. I want to always be ready to reward, treat, and love her with all my heart. The rest just finds its own place in our life. I do like to push her boundaries, test her limits. I have to say the most amazing thing about my sub inst her body its her mind. She is very intelligent, loving, and always there for everyone. I could never dream of changing her.
*nods* My wife and tried out the D/s relationship thing for a bit, though in the end, we decided it wasn't quite our thing, at least not full time. i enjoyed it - that said, it was more relaxed then what you see in typical bdsm stories - i wasn't on pins and needles about constantly breaking rules and she wasn't stressed out about constantly having to Mistress over me every waking second. we'd laugh about things, and yes, spankings were (still are) for fun. when i did need to be punished, she never made me feel bad about it - it was more like a time out and afterwards, i'd adjust my behavior accordingly. it is, after all, a relationship - i think that there needs to be room to relax, to turn it off, to just have fun or it turns into a job and it gets stressful. it sounds like you have it right.
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by sprite
*nods* My wife and tried out the D/s relationship thing for a bit, though in the end, we decided it wasn't quite our thing, at least not full time. i enjoyed it - that said, it was more relaxed then what you see in typical bdsm stories - i wasn't on pins and needles about constantly breaking rules and she wasn't stressed out about constantly having to Mistress over me every waking second. we'd laugh about things, and yes, spankings were (still are) for fun. when i did need to be punished, she never made me feel bad about it - it was more like a time out and afterwards, i'd adjust my behavior accordingly. it is, after all, a relationship - i think that there needs to be room to relax, to turn it off, to just have fun or it turns into a job and it gets stressful. it sounds like you have it right.
Thanks Sprite,
This lifestyle can be so much fun if done correctly.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by slipperywhenwet2012
Just visit a Lush chat room, doesn't have to necessarily be the BDSM one...but any given one. You'll see the discrepancy. The fake ones put on airs and try to establish their domship above all else and to anyone willing (or unwilling) to listen.
I've met some cool doms here. They're more lax about it and less in your face. Don't get me wrong, it's not something they conceal, but it's not something they feel a need to throw around, either. If it comes up, it comes up. They really have nothing to prove to anyone. They're confident and generally amiable people. Real doms exude power and passion, and they seek to satisfy mutual needs. It's not about one-sided control, but mutual surrender. At least that's what I personally think it should be.
Then there are the blowhards with short tempers. The ones that think that since they've convinced themselves that they're a dom, they can throw their weight around and DEMAND others' respect. They use it as a crutch and are really nothing more than insecure bullies spoiling for a fight. They're also kind of obsessive. The fake doms are ALL about control. And a bit masochistic. More so than usual. What I mean by that is that you'll always see them finding ways to punish their sub, and a lot of them make it known to the public that their sub is being punished, at least from the online perspective from what I've observed. What I mean by that is if they're not talking to their sub, they'll make it known. Or they'll find some way to mention their sub is being punished, even while their sub is in the chat room. And it doesn't have to be physical (in a virtual sense). It's more of a mental thing. They get so far inside their sub's head...it's fascinating in a scary sort of way. You'll recognize them easily. Their relationships don't last long, and nearly every time you see them they'll have a different sub (or set of subs, as lots of them like to have a collection of subs). They have irrational fits of rage when things don't go their way. They'll probably threaten you via their bios (something along the lines of 'So and so is my sub, upset them and feel my wrath!!'). They'll probably play up who they are in real life and present a 'larger than life' image. And as I said, they have short tempers. They're more like children than anything, in my opinion. These, again in my opinion, are the phonies, the posers, and the wannabes. A lot of them are probably betas in real life and choose the internet dom life to compensate.
But internet aside, you can apply this to real life dom situations, and the results would most likely be the same. Of course there are exceptions, but the signs will be there, nonetheless.
For instance, take fictional dom Christian Gray (or is it Grey?). He seemingly had it all. Wealth, power, etc. But he had severe emotional issues. Issues that he took out on what's-her-name. And if it were real life, you could assume he also did it with any sub he had before her.
I said all of this just to say that the fake ones are easy to spot if you look closely enough. The control aspect is more important to them than the relationship aspect. The fake ones want you under their thumb, and they wanna keep you there as long as possible. And they make it extremely difficult for you to get out. They'll play with the emotions of their sub to get them to stay and convince them that it's all love and such, and then fall right back into the same abusive, controlling pattern.
I'm not just speaking based on assumption. I've seen it unfold right in front of me...on several occasions. As I said, it's terrifyingly fascinating to see the grips these type of doms have on people.
I have to officially nominate this as my favorite post on lush. accurate and fair
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by ProfessorFox
I have to officially nominate this as my favorite post on lush. accurate and fair
Hear Hear
I can only speak for myself and the (very) little I know so far - plus, and even worse, I don't really know about fictional doms.
What I can say though (before I get kicked out of this post - lol!) is that it's a bit like the question "Do all women do this or that" or "Do all the Europeans do this or that..." (no offense, Metilda, it's just a thought of mine. I'm a woman. And hey, all women love shoes and shopping for them, no? Only I don't. In fact, I hate them and having to buy them... you know what I mean?) As for my Master, he is as real as it gets.
He doesn't need to pretend or talk about it. It's not a title, it's something he is, it's his nature and he doesn't need to talk about it much. I could almost go for a re-write of the song of songs here, but I will spare you this torture.
It's about handing over control to him. He isn't a control freak, he actually trusts me - just as I trust him by handing over this control - as much as I'm able to. It's about learning and talking and sharing a lot. And some more trusting. And then trusting him to know and understand me well enough to take the right decision, or doing or requesting what is possible and adequate at the moment. He's no messed up, traumatized and mean guy having to tame his daemons by inflicting pain on a poor submissive woman without a soul, mind or character. He's actually a nice guy (je n'ai pas dit "trop gentil", d'accord?), or I could even go as far as saying good guy.
I'm still trying to figure out this whole thing and wrap my mind around it. I'm not good at this and still very hesitant. I would - in a way - compare it to any "normal" relationship, only there is a very clear definition of who plays which role and who has what rights. It's extremely honest, down to the bone and very challenging. I love it.
Maybe the main difference is that it's so much more better than fiction could ever get...
What I can say though (before I get kicked out of this post - lol!) is that it's a bit like the question "Do all women do this or that" or "Do all the Europeans do this or that..." (no offense, Metilda, it's just a thought of mine. I'm a woman. And hey, all women love shoes and shopping for them, no? Only I don't. In fact, I hate them and having to buy them... you know what I mean?) As for my Master, he is as real as it gets.
He doesn't need to pretend or talk about it. It's not a title, it's something he is, it's his nature and he doesn't need to talk about it much. I could almost go for a re-write of the song of songs here, but I will spare you this torture.
It's about handing over control to him. He isn't a control freak, he actually trusts me - just as I trust him by handing over this control - as much as I'm able to. It's about learning and talking and sharing a lot. And some more trusting. And then trusting him to know and understand me well enough to take the right decision, or doing or requesting what is possible and adequate at the moment. He's no messed up, traumatized and mean guy having to tame his daemons by inflicting pain on a poor submissive woman without a soul, mind or character. He's actually a nice guy (je n'ai pas dit "trop gentil", d'accord?), or I could even go as far as saying good guy.
I'm still trying to figure out this whole thing and wrap my mind around it. I'm not good at this and still very hesitant. I would - in a way - compare it to any "normal" relationship, only there is a very clear definition of who plays which role and who has what rights. It's extremely honest, down to the bone and very challenging. I love it.
Maybe the main difference is that it's so much more better than fiction could ever get...