I am MistressS' sub, she and others have asked me to give my views as well here.
Too add to Mistress' and sprite's points on punishments, for me, the idea that I have upset my Mistress is far worse than my actual punishments. Often if I break a rule, I will actually tell Mistress I have, I see the punishment as a way of being forgiven for what I have done, I don't like being punished, but being let away with breaking a rule is far worse.
I am not good with pain, so my punishments aren't usually physical, I may be spanked occasionally, with Mistress' hand, a paddle or a crop if I really step out of line, but my usual punishment is a time out, I have to sit in the corner looking at the wall and in silence while Mistress will go about whatever she has to do, until, she calls me out of the corner, another one that I get if we are out usually, is if I have really misbehaved I am not allowed to kiss Mistress and she doesn't give any signs of affection those two while not being physical still feel really bad and I'd often wish she would spank me so it was over.
Some try to say that punishments are abusive, this is not the case, as I have said, I will often tell Mistress I need punished when I break a rule, I feel I need it, and she NEVER punishes me more than I can handle, if anything Mistress is lenient in her punishments compared to others I have seen, she hates having to punish me, and I hate having given her a reason to have to.
Edit: I have re-read this, and should add, during my times out, while I hate it, it does give me time to reflect and relax, to think on why I misbehaved and to work on being better in the future. Ultimately, I want the punishment if I break a rule, and it is for my benefit, not my harm.
Ok, to balance out the last topic, today's one is Rewards.
Now, I will start by saying specific rewards for a sub will all be different and will be earned for different things based on the people involved.
Now, obviously, the most common reward for a sub will be for behaving and following their rules, while they are expected to follow their rules anyway, a reward is often used on occasion as an incentive. Other reasons may be if the sub has pleased their Dom/me in some other way as well, but it is up to the Dom/me when they will give rewards and what for, if they give them at all, most Dom/mes do reward their subs. but not all, as I said this all depends on the people involved.
Also, rewards are unique for each Dom/me, sub couple, but as the name implies, they should be something the sub enjoys and likes, not just what the Dom/me wants to do and try to say it is a reward.
As a personal example, my sub loves massaging candles (for those that don't know and might be freaked out by that, they are like candles, but melt at a low temperature and the wax is a gel when melted.) I use these as a reward for good behaviour. Other common rewards some use may be if their sub has a specific fantasy, they may help them act it out.
There needs to be a delicate balance using rewards, you can not give too many, then a sub will begin to expect them for everything they do, and they will also begin stop striving to do better, and likely fall into behaving worse.
That is all for today I think, I am also offering to people, if you want me to give views on a specific point within BDSM then message me and I will try to write a post in it, or include it in with another if it is short.
Just to add something to MistressS's post. I find that there is one other thing I find that some Dom/mes i've encountered dont do and that is praise their sub. This in itself can be a small reward, especially if the sub has performed part of his/her training well. Personally i like to praise a sub if they have had to endure a harsh punishment and neither complained nor whimpered. To me it still shows that i love them and that it hurt me just as much to administer it.
I was actually going to post almost exactly what Tager has said, today.
For a sub, pleasing their Dom/me is very important. For some they will put their Dom/mes pleasure above themselves. Likewise, many Dom/mes will put their sub before themselves, it creates a delicate and loving relationship.
Hearing their Dom/me praising them is a great reward for a sub, whether it be for following their rules or doing well in their training. This should still be done in moderation, so Dom/mes will not praise a sub for every tiny little thing, but should praise them when they have done well (This is a confusing balance, and everyone will approach it differently)
Another thing a sub should be praised for is after a punishment, it is very important that after a punishment a sub knows they are forgiven and that everything is ok, if you don't a sub will always feel their Dom/me is upset with them, and as said before that is the worst punishment for subs, to feel they have upset their Dom/me.
I was asked some questions today that I will put up for anyone else who has the same questions.
1. What area of BDSM should people try initially?
Everyone will go into different parts of BDSM initially, some may go straight into the Sadism and Masochism side, myself, I stick to the Bondage and Discipline and Dom/sub aspects of it.
2. How do you establish boundaries?
For establishing boundaries, communication is key, the easiest way to find a subs boundaries (and a Dom/me's) is to talk and ask them, a second way is to carefully go further with things as you go, being very careful and looking for signs that you are approaching one sides limits of what they are comfortable with. This can be difficult however and the just talking about limits is a better way to do things.
3. Can a sub train an inexperienced Dom/me
I'd say a sub can train a Dom in certain ways, if you read my third story, you'll see my sub gave me a push as it were to try bondage, I suppose that could be seen as her training me to some, thought I doubt she'd say it was.
Im going to post a question that was put to me today. If your sub is told by another Dom/me that they are not giving them the respect they deserve what would you do. This was my answer
A Dom/me has no right to tell someone elses sub what kind of repsect they need to give, the same way another Dom/me has no right to discipline another's sub with out express permission from the subs Dom/me. A sub need only follow the rules set out by THEIR Dom/me. If the Dom/me feels they have been affronted then they should speak with the subs Dom/me and let them handle the situation. Now if I feel that my sub is in the wrong I will let them know why and discipline them accordingly and have them apologise. If I feel it is just the masters hurt pride then I will tell the Dom/me so.
To the questions Tager was given.
I agree with Tager on this point, if another Dom/me was to feel my sub was disrespectful I'd expect them to tell me, not my sub. I am firmly of the belief that unless a sub is your sub, without the sub's Dom/me's permission, you shouldn't treat them as a sub, to you they are just another person.
If a Dome/me does feel they have been disrespected it is not up to them to punish the sub or tell them how to act, they should inform the sub's Dom/me and they will decide if their sub has been disrespectful and what action should be taken.
Im going to make a point as there seems to be a misconception for those that haven't properly educated themselves in to BDSM yet. The topic is What Is A Sub.
A sub is someone who, in my personal experience, desire structure and control to their life. They are not a modern day slave with no rights or opinions. They are equal to any other person on the planet and should only ever be disciplined, chastised or educated by their Dom/me unless you have gained the approval from them, which any Dom/me who loves their sub will never do.
*Edit* Further to this I heard a statement today that both mystified and annoyed me. The statement was: He is not my sub he is my equal, I like to be with someone who gives and doesn't just take. This is a myth that subs aren't equal and that Dom/mes just take from subs. As Sprite has said here. A sub has power, they choose their Dom/me, they lay out the ground rules for their limits. Dom/mes give up a lot of time and effort to give a sub discipline, control and structure to their lives and in return a sub wil usually love their Dom/me unconditionally.
Tager raises an good point, few ask the question: "What is a sub?"
The usual definition you'll get is, a sub is a person who chooses to submit to their Dom/me.
The crucial point that some overlook in that answer is "person", the people who do overlook it think a sub is a toy, something to be used and abused, and often these people that think that, are the ones who think that being a Dom/me gives them the authority over any sub, even someone else's, to punish or discipline as they want.
Now, I have already brought up the point that you should never presume to do anything of the sort to another's sub, but it doesn't hurts to repeat that point. Unless a sub is your sub, you should NEVER try to do anything to them with out their Dom/mes express permission, and my own view from what I see on this site is, it is better to not even try to ask, the answer will almost always be no.
Now, I will admit, in some D/s relationships, the sub may be refereed to as a toy, slave ect... However that is a choice and agreement between the Dom/me and their sub, to everyone outside the relationship, they are both just people and should both be treated with respect like anyone else.
Another point that isn't raised much and I'm glad to say doesn't need to all that much, but I will bring it up for the sake of learning here, is that unless a Dom/me is your Dom/me, you shouldn't treat them as such, and you shouldn't expect them to treat you as their sub. As I said, this doesn't happen as much, but it does happen, and I feel I should bring it up.
That's all for today's main post from me, if you have any questions feel free to post them or message me and I will try to answer them as best I can. Also, if you message me a question I will ask your permission to post the question and my answers on here, but I will keep it confidential who asked me.
Ok i am a sub and someone has asked me to comment so i will give a run down of my opinion on this whole thing. I am kind of new to this and it took me little while to find someone that fit. I agree you should not jump into a dom/sub relationship. i learned it takes a little time for that bond to grow. You have got to know each other some to be able to give that control to your Dom it doesn't happen overnight. To me it is better if you have a mutual respect and true caring for that person.
I also agree that the sub does have the power really the idea is you choose your Dom, you give over that control and yes no one else has that right to correct or discipline you as a sub/me, excepy my Master. Anyone that knows me knows I do not behave as the typical sub but that is a part of me and also why we work because although I am his he knows I need to be silly and have fun and act a little crazy, so he gives me my space to do so keeping an eye on me at the same time. I play around a lot asking things I know the answer to just to test him. My Master humors me a lot online but when he has enough he does stop it. Sometimes I do cross the line and we deal and I understand my limits a lil more after we discuss it and after my punishment. The rules i have were agreed on mutually and yes they are to make me better a lot of them are things I want to be better at in my life and having my Master remind me of that with the rules I have helps me achieve that better, and when i slip up which does happen a lot i tell on myself. It is about trusting my Master, I don't want to disappoint him but I do mess up and he should know by me not by someone else. If someone else has to tell on me we have no trust is how I feel. I knew what I was doing when I did it I agreed to the rules and there is a consequence.
Punishments are depending on wht was done but I do agree it is not the ones involving a bit of pain that are the worst. It is knowing the disappointment I caused or feeling that i am making my Master do something he does not want to do knowing I know better than that. That hurts more than any painful punishment in my opinion. Or when something I want is taken away that hurts more than any spanking. It does make me think about what I have done more so than a quick punishment.
Just as Tager said a sub does desire structure and control and that is what my Master offers me besides other things. Honestly even though I have had others he has been my Master a while even before I and he knew he was. In the beginning whenever I had questions or was curious or just wanted to feel loved and safe it was him I looked to for that not the people I claimed to be with. So because of that I realized this is a complex thing not just some quick choice. I love my Master and I know he loves me and is those feelings weren't there I would never listen. The key is I chose to submit to him.
So really all this is different for everyone but if looking you should always choose a Dom you are comfortable with never be scared of him don't choose hastily because that can lead to dangerous paths but look for someone who will guide you to a safe direction maybe telling you the things you do not want to hear but should improve it may make you a better individual and maybe that person can help you achieve what you want also forming a bond that is like no other.
I know my description seems a lil personal but everybody has to form their own idea here and work it the best way they can online in real wherever this is whole thing goes as far as you want it to.
I would say its hard to interview someone to your sub or Dom/me. You have to understand that this relationship takes alot of trust. Most people I know have taken time to get to know their partner just like any other relationship before sitting down to discuss what their boundaries are (for the sub) and the rules of the relationship. Just getting to know prospective partners is the right step and take it from their.
I think it's kind of mix between what Tag explained and an interview. You have to really get to know the other person, which takes time. Subs must trust their Dom/me totally and completely. You are giving them everything you are, you have to know they won't abuse that and that they will protect you completely. But when you are getting to know the other person you have to be willing to ask questions that may not otherwise come up. You should know the other person's limits and fantasies, what they want out of the relationship, more serious things to know if you fit with them and if the relationship would be good for both people involved. You should know everything that is reasonably possible to know about them.
I have been asked to put my opinion here, but after reading all the comments I totally agree with MistressS and Tager. I have and never will use the term slave that is derogatory saying that a sub is below human. So all I can really say is to read this and learn from them because both the Dom/mes and the Subs have made valid points on this thread. As far as what MistressS says about BDSM she is correct I was trained in both the Bondage and the S&M side of this Lifestyle. People who know me know me as a Maestro which is neither Master or Dom but a Trainer of them. I also believe that both Parties must know and respect each other so that trust is there. Also on the matter of Punishment the sub accepts punishment as a way of forgiveness for themselves. No Dom/mes enjoy this but do it because they know without it their beloved sub will never be free of the guilt. I will not going into the S&M side here because I think it is irrelevent, but if anybody wants my opinion on that matter message me.
Today I am going to talk about collars.
They have been mentioned several times in this thread, and I have told a little about them, but I'll try to gather all the points up here.
Firstly, as I said previously, a collar does not need to be a something worn round the neck, often it is, but it can be anything the Dom/me and sub want to use as their symbol of ownership and submission. It might not be a 'physical' symbol either, in online relationships for example, the sub may be collared, but not actually, have a real collar. It is the idea behind a collar that is important, not the physical object.
A collar is an important symbol to most (if not all) subs. To be given one is a very big deal to a sub,
I can't really explain what it means to a sub to be collared, and invite any subs to describe what it means to them.
Many seem to believe a collar should be given as soon as a sub agree's to be someones sub, this is not the case, a collar is not merely to show a sub has a Dom/me, the best way I can think of describing it is, it is like a wedding band, it joins the Dom/me and sub together, It is a sign of their commitment and love to each other.
Another thing people see a collar as, is something to reward a good sub, again, this is not the case, as a friend has said as I write this "a collared sub can still misbehave" The collar doesn't mean the sub becomes completely subservient and willing to do anything, they are still the same person, the collar is to show that the sub and their Dom/me are truly committed to each other.
Some will even think that threatening to take a collar away should be done if the sub misbehaves, my personal view is once you have collared a sub, you should never ask, or tell them, to give it back.
Ok, time to complicate things a bit I guess.
Some only wear collars as part of a 'scene' or 'play' in the bedroom, I don't really know what to say here since my sub always wears her collar, but I imagine the collar still means the same to the people involved, but the sub only wears the collar sometimes.
If anyone has any questions, or wants me to clarify any points I have made, please feel free to message me.
i appreciate all of this information more than you guys know... for so many reasons... the heart of what i desire and hope for...
and several hours later i have realized i was more "under the influence" than i thought to write the above
I'm glad the thread helps LauraLee.
And since I've still not decided what to do my next 'lesson' on, if anyone has part of BDSM they'd like me to talk about, please PM me and I'll make a post for it as soon as I can get it up.
MistresS I would like to say one Giant Thank You!!! I find it hard to find the right people in this lifestyle, I've talked with many that say they are into the BDSM lifestyle but they completely miss the point of it! Yes some do enjoy pain but it's not just about beating your sub till they are left with welts in their ass! For me personally it's about trust, respect and love!!!! And I wish people would understand and value 'us'! A few friends of mine actually deem me as weird because of the lifestyle I choose to lead. I am sub by nature and people have taken advantage of that! But for me being dedicated, trusting and loving towards my Dom/master is the best feeling ever! And knowing that he will treat me well and love me always is sublime! I'm even marrying him. He is kinda new to all this but does it perfectly. He is simply all i have ever wanted and needed xoxox
As Submissivebabe brought up, for those in the lifestyle, BDSM is all about truth, love and respect. However, many see it simply as one person using another. Admittedly there are some who simply enjoy using or being used, which is fine as well, but that isn't the only thing BDSM is about for most people who are into it.
For those in Dom/me sub relationships, it creates a deep bond of trust, love and respect between the Dom/me and sub, which can be very painful if one side doesn't feel the same way, and simply want someone to use, or someone to use them.
Unfortunately those who are new to BDSM can easily be given the wrong impression. For example, many new curious subs who come to sites like these to try out BDSM for the first time can be scared away by people claiming to be Dom/mes who jump on every new sub who comes along, often only wanting a quick cyber session, and the subs are scared off, believing all Dom/mes are like that. Likewise, the same is probably true off new Dom/mes, seeing others who claim to be Dom/mes and being scared off because the don't want to act the same, but believes that is how a Dom/me should act.
The majority of people who get the wrong idea, however, get them from stories, and images for BDSM. Most of which are about the stereotypical view that it is all about pain, and being used. However, these are all just fantasies, which is fine, it can happen like these fantasies describe, but it usually doesn't.
The point of this thread is to hopefully dispel myths about BDSM I sincerely hope those who read this understand that BDSM is not only about pain.
The anklet itself is rather plain and boring but it's what it stands for that I love. This way my Master is always with me. It's also adjustable so if I'm going through something hard or stressful I can just tighten it so I can always feel it. It's a little reminder of my Master's love and the strength he gives me. I'm also hoping to get a little charm for it soon so it's even more symbolic of him :)
