Join the best erotica focused adult social network now
Login

BDSM 101

last reply
189 replies
45.9k views
3 watchers
2 likes
Shaman
Active Ink Slinger
0 likes
Thank you for the information new at this myself and listening does help
Guest
Lurker
0 likes
Predominantly to MistressS, Ravyn, PhareDuFour and Sprite.

I've found your comments to be insightfull, informative and compassionate towards both parties. I see such relationships as love albeit of a particular type. Both parties must significantly care for/trust each other for it to work.

Also thanks to other contributors, ur comments were interesting.

All the best.
1HornyHungryOkami
Active Ink Slinger
0 likes
I really like this and what I just read was very understanding and very true to Doms, Mistresses, and subs. Now over the last few years I was starting to feel as a Dom and after that I met my gf 1LovelyKinkyKitsune (I will not say her name) and we have been together over 2 monogamous years and I'm very happy to have her. Now during our relationship we started to role-play as a Dom and Sub or Mistress and sub after that we started to like the feeling of me been dominated and while my gf was been my sub/baby/mate/mistress and as for me my role was a Daddy/dom/sub/mate. We both kept it a secret from other cause we thought they wouldn't understand.

Now for the number 4 question I like that a lot and yes it is not always about the pain, but more for the naughty punishment as I like to say and for me I played as a Dom/Daddy in all my life with my gf/sub/miss over the last two years and we are still together. The other questions I do so understand and I do respect the Dom/Miss and their subs and I do get offended when someone bothers or talks to my lil submissive baby. Now she has been my good lil girl and my good sub/baby and now I hate it when someone talks or ask something to my baby/sub and thats when it bothers me but my good lil girl/sub does handle somethings, but it is my job to keep an eye out on my baby especially my one true love cause I dont like others when someone flirts and trust me I have seen it.

Now I am a dom and a Daddy and I do tend to learn more about but my gf has told me that I have played as a Dom & Daddy naturally and I am happy about that. So I do hope there's doms/daddy like me on here and I do like to warn Doms/Miss and their subs to keep an eye out. Me and my gf we played our role naturally and she likes it when I'm the dominant one cause it turns her on and she turns me on when she behaves and listens to her Daddy-dom ;)

So thats my part of view I just post here so hope everyone understands it and thank you smile
marna69
Active Ink Slinger
0 likes
I just like the idea of being tied up, teased to death, and having my brains fucked out. I know I'm not really part of the full BDSM lifestyle. Am I any part of it at all? Or is bondage sex something different?

thanks,
Marna
Unknown User
0 likes
Quote by marna69
I just like the idea of being tied up, teased...Am I any part of it at all? Or is bondage sex something different?
ScottMaster
Active Ink Slinger
0 likes
Masters creed
by Scottheart, Dec 5, 2013, 10:03:42 AM
Journals / Personal

Above all else he cherishes his slave, in the knowledge that the gift she gives him is the greatest gift of all. He is demanding and takes full advantage of the power given to him, but knows how to share the pleasure that comes from that precious gift.

He is in control of himself first and foremost, so that he may control others. As a stern and demanding Master, he can cause his slave to cry real tears. As the consummate lover, he will then kiss the tears away, without stepping out of character.

In times of trouble, a Master will leave the roles behind, to be a supportive friend and partner, never forgetting that this is still a loving relationship between two caring individuals. He is quick to understand the differences between fantasy and reality. He would never ask a slave to put him before her career, or family, just to satisfy his own pleasure.

To win his slave's mind, body, spirit, soul, and love, he knows he must first win her trust. He will show his slave humor, kindness, and warmth. He must always show her that his guidance and tutoring is knowledgeable and deserving of her attention, that this is a man she can learn from, and trust his direction.

He is romantic enough to be protective and chivalrous. When called upon, he will fight for his lady's honor. He proves to her that he is someone she can lean on, and depend on.

When it comes time to teach his slave her lessons of obedience, he is a strong and unyielding professor. He will accept no flaw, nothing less than perfection from his student. Never does he use discipline without a good reason. When he does it is always with a knowledgeable and careful hand.

He is always open to communication and discussion, always ready to hear her wants and needs. He is patient, taking time to learn her limits, and knowing that as her trust of him grows so will they. He never has to demand ritual behavior by her. She responds to him out of the want of pleasing him. Compliance comes from the wanting to please, not the fear of punishment. He understands the fragile nature of mind and body and never violates the trust given to him.

He is secure enough to laugh at himself and the absurdities of life. Open minded enough to learn new things and Strong enough to grow. His tools are mind, body, spirit, soul, and love. He understands that each partner gains most from pleasuring the other. And both of them know that love and trust are the only bindings that truly hold.
Guest
Lurker
0 likes


Just saying.
Simplicity
Just me
0 likes
Meeting fake Doms, kinda kills your wanting to be in any more D/S.
Click below to see
Guest
Lurker
0 likes
Online Red Flags (Danger Signals, it’s time to hit ignore! )

onedom:

A “Red Flag” is any indication that you should steer clear of a particular person, either Dom/me or sub. These can pop up at any time, though most often in the beginning of a potential relationship. They can be obvious or they can be subtle.

Some common examples might be…

1. Inappropriate questions or comments during the initial conversations, such as do you want to play? or what are you wearing? or what do you look like? or asking for your phone number immediately, etc. Such questions have nothing at all to do with D/s, but rather indicate the person is looking for cyber or phone sex.

2. Moving too quickly: if the prospective Dom/me or sub seems to be in a hurry to begin a relationship, or to advance it faster than seems reasonable or comfortable for you. Like if they want to meet you within the first 10 minutes online. Trust is the cornerstone and cannot be rushed. Clearly, there is no arbitrary time frame, but most long-lasting relationships take several weeks if not months to build before actual contact.

3. Inappropriate attitude: “bow down and worship me” those who act as if every submissive must obey every so-called Dom, and begin giving or obeying orders from the word go. Or those who have the idea that each and every Tom, Dick, and Harry must be addressed as Sir, whether they know them or not. Many subs in the chat rooms do this, but respect is worth little if it is so lightly given. Both of these attitudes and practices show a poor understanding of the true dynamics of Dominance and submission.

4. Safety violations: reluctance to have a safeword or other safety precautions in place, either during the first meeting or later. Run.

5. Lack of communication: if your potential partner is reluctant to discuss something with you, pay attention. Likewise, and equally serious, if you are told directly or indirectly, that you may not discuss something with others, or may not talk to someone else, or may not go to a particular area, be careful. Trying to “gag” someone is a sign that something is wrong.

6. A persistent bad reputation: or unwillingness to give references. This can be tricky if the person you are talking to is new online, but it is still a red flag. Or perhaps a yellow one.

7. Trashing ex-partners. When someone is constantly talking about their ex publicly in the chat rooms and on bb’s, i.e., trying to ruin their rep, try to keep in mind that you might be their “ex” someday and be subjected to such treatment if things do not go the way they want. This is something that both Dom/mes and subs are frequently guilty of. Warning others of potential danger from an ex-partner is obviously a different case.

8. Frequent inconsistencies. If someone often makes contradictory statements from one day to the next, like Mon. tells you s/he has no children, then on Fri., mentions his/her son’s birthday or something. If a person often seems to have a lot of trouble remembering what they have said to you from one day to the next, it could be that they are telling a lot of people a lot of different things. Just in general, I would encourage anyone to really try to get to know someone before making a final judgment on their character. However, caution and common sense should always rule. If you have doubts, do not give out personal information. You can still talk to this person, but be careful and please, trust that GUT INSTINCT.

Author Unknown
Guest
Lurker
0 likes
How To Spot A Dominant

There is no way to spot a Dominant at ten paces. Unfortunately many submissives, and particularly novices, are impressed by these superficial things, making it easy for Dominant fakers. Anyone can learn to swing a flogger, talk in BDSMspeak, and wear 13 pounds of leather; but these do not a Dominant make.
If you want a quality partner you’ll have to take some time and get to know them. In some ways, choosing a good Dominant is similar choosing a good partner in general. In others it’s quite different because of the unique style of our relationships. They key difference is that when we go into subspace, we make ourselves vulnerable in ways that we may never do with a vanilla partner. This makes the D/s relationship far riskier and we must take extra care when choosing partners. Here are some things to look for, to avoid, and to ignore in your search for a quality Dominant.

A Dominant Is…

Respect
A quality Dominant shows respect to submissives, and to everyone. He or she asks questions about your life, listens to the answers, and doesn’t put you down.

Balance
A quality Dominant keeps a balance between their vanilla and BDSM lives. They can talk about their family, pets, other things that have nothing to do with BDSM. They have a sense of humor about the lifestyle, and don’t take themselves too seriously. Avoid Dominants with a chip on their shoulder, or who cannot hold a job or keep friends. Especially avoid people who complain about their ex partners or about everyone else in the scene. One day you will be the ex and they will be bitching about you.

Communication
A quality Dominant needs to be able to access their emotions, and articulate them. If they are the stereotypical guy who can’t express their emotional side, they will not be able to support your emotional side when the time comes. If they can’t control their temper, or they make a big drama out of life, they will be too self-directed to take care of you.

Consistency
A quality Dominant is as good as their word. If they say they’ll show up at 6 PM, they show up. If you are going to trust this person with your body and possibly your heart, you need to know that they will come through. A sometime Dominant is not an effective Dominant

Depth
A quality Dominant recognizes that D/s relationships have several dynamics that are very different, and sometimes far more complex than vanilla ones. Because of this, he or she should have a better understanding of human nature than the average Joe or Jane. Messing with subspace is a heavy experience. To live a present life you have to understand human nature. But to be a successful Dominant, you have to really get it at a much deeper level. Doing it with a shallow or superficial person makes for a shallow and superficial experience.

Competency
A quality Dominant does not need to know how to use every toy in the toy box, but they do need to be motivated to learn. A novice should not be doing high-end play like whipping, fire play, or knife play without a mentor to guide them. They should be knowledgeable about how to avoid sexually transmitted diseases, and have an awareness of first aid. They know that reading and fantasizing about BDSM is not the same thing as doing it. A good Dom acknowledges that he’s not the be-all end-all of information and encourages you to find information about BDSM from many sources.

Pacing
A quality Dominant doesn’t hit on you during the first date, and doesn’t discourage you from dating other Dominants until you are ready to make a commitment. They know that a good relationship takes time and that there’s no need to rush in or glom onto you. They also don’t try to “make” you submit before you have given permission to go ahead.

References
A quality Dominant is known by someone. A novice may not have BDSM references, but everyone has friends and family. If they are totally in the closet and can’t even offer a vanilla reference then they might not be a good person to get involved with. Being “known” in the scene doesn’t guarantee that a person is a good Dominant, but they will probably be a safe Dominant. There are plenty of Dominants who have great reputations because of their technical knowledge, but have little to offer when it comes to the complexities of a real relationship.

A Quality Dominant Isn’t…

Lord This and Mistress That
In the days of the Old Guard, a Dominant had to “earn” their leather vest. Anyone who wore it could be considered a safe and experienced player. Today, anyone can call themselves Lady Bigcheese or Master Bigshot. Author Jay Wiseman writes in his article “Ten Tips for the Novice, Single, Heterosexual, Submissive Woman” of a submissive friend who “has concluded that there is also a strong inverse relationship between how many titles a man awards himself and how good a dominant he is.” Similarly if they make an “entrance” a la Scarlet O’Hara or claim relationships with many well-known scene personalities, they lose points on the respect-o-meter. Ignore the titles and look at the person.

Toy Obsessions
Dominants who obsess about their toy collections send the message that BDSM is about the toys. It’s not. A quality Dominant does not need equipment to dominate, only a powerful and creative mind. Not to mention the Dominants who dangle multiple toys off their belt, especially when they aren’t playing.

Horndog on the Prowl
Many novice Dominants or vanilla horndogs view submissives as a quick way to get some free nookie. Wiseman also comments about another submissive friend who “has come to believe that there is a strong inverse relationship between how good a dominant a man is and how quickly he brings up the subject of fellatio.”

Bullies & Manipulators
Some people think that being a bully means they’re being dominant. Bullies tell you how things are done and get upset when you disagree. Adults discuss the options respectfully. A real Dominant doesn’t have to force you to do anything. Dominants who try to manipulate you into doing what they want are losers.

A Good Dominant May or May Not Be…

There are lots of things that people think makes someone a good Dominant, but in fact they really don’t indicate much of anything. They include:

You Are Turned On
Just because a Dominant makes you hot doesn’t mean they know a darn thing about dominating. It could be pheromones or maybe they remind you of an old flame. It doesn’t mean anything except that you are turned on.

Whether or Not They Initiate Contact
Some Dominants believe that initiating contact with submissives is their nature and so they always take the lead. Others believe in allowing submissives to be attracted to them. Neither is indicative of any innate ability to effectively dominate someone.

Their Ability To Write Well
Communication on the internet is predicated on being able to write and type well. Many intelligent people cannot do this, and many foolish people are unwilling to even run a spellcheck. We say “foolish” because writing riddled with wrongs makes a bad impression. This being said, being able to write well has nothing to do with being a good Dominant.

Privacy Issues
Dominants, and particularly men who do the same thing get less respect. There are just as many unbalanced women online as there are unbalanced men. Don’t give out your personal information, and also don’t worry if they won’t either.

What They Do For a Living
Yes, a stable person will have a stable job. But they don’t need to be CEO of some corporation to be able to dominate. There is a stereotype of the female executive submitting in the bedroom, and the male househusband dominating, but neither are relevant. If ambition is important to you, fine. But it doesn’t in itself indicate an ability to either dominate or submit.

Great Clothes
Anyone can buy fabulous leather outfits. Let them know how great they look, then move on to more substantial topics.

Assertive Mannerisms
There’s a huge difference between controlling situations, and controlling a person. Don’t be fooled by people who act assertive in public.

Charm & Flirtatiousness
It might be fun to flirt with a charming Dominant, but social skills have little to do with the ability to control.

Paying for the Date
I used to think that the Dominant should pay for the date because they were the Dominant. On the other hand, some Dominants expect the submissives to pay as an homage. A person may well be a fabulous Dominant, but is unemployed, low on cash, or may believe in equality outside the BDSM relationship.The person who asks for the date should pay for it. Or both share the bill on first date at least. Don’t play games like waiting for them to pick up the check – talk about it up front and avoid games.

Sourced from http://www.bdsmdigest.com/