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BDSM 101
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A good read. Thought I'd share.
Link to article.
This Is Your Brain On Sex
Warren Szewczyk C. Frisky | Feb. 14, 2014, 6:28 p.m.
Whether you're in a happy and committed relationship, you’re hoping to get lucky tonight, or your only plans involve Tumblr, your bed, and a bottle of wine, you can't ignore the fact that today is Valentine’s Day, and suddenly your relationship status, whatever it may be, is in the spotlight. Naturally, when I think about Valentine’s Day, I immediately turn to the sexual aspect of relationships. While the notion of Valentine's Day sex conjures idealized images of partners looking deep into each other's eyes during some variation of missionary while scented candles flicker in the distance, my favorite Valentine's Day memory is of my hands being bound to the bedposts of my first-year residence hall room while my partner licked whipped cream off of my body.
These memories, along with romantic Valentine's Day ideals, prompted me to wonder what it is about food and bondage, discipline, sadism, or masochism (BDSM) that people (myself included) find sexy? Why do others prefer slow, eye-locked romps? Seeking some explanation, I turn to science … in the form of TSL resident science columnist, Warren Szewczyk. We sat down to have a conversation about the intersection of sex and science.
C. Frisky: I explored some of the emotional and theoretical principles behind BDSM (which encompasses bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism) in my column last semester, but coming from a scientific perspective, why do some people like to feel pain, domination, or submission as part of the sexual experience? Is there something actually pleasurable about feeling pain?
Warren Szewczyk: Unfortunately, there isn’t much scientific literature that addresses BDSM practices specifically and why they are popular among certain groups of people. There is, however, a large body of research involving pain and the body’s response to pain. Your brain has a menagerie of naturally produced neurotransmitters, known as endorphins, dedicated to reducing pain and enhancing pleasure. Drugs like heroin and morphine take advantage of these systems by acting like the endorphin molecules your brain produces on its own.
One theory behind the pleasurable aspects of sadomasochism and sex is that, by pairing a painful experience with orgasm, people who participate in BDSM are increasing the endorphins released by the brain, since the brain’s endorphin system is triggered during both orgasm and intense pain.
Other chemical systems may also be involved in the science of BDSM, including the neurotransmitter dopamine, which modulates the reward system in your brain. Opiates like heroin and morphine are highly addictive because they mimic endorphin release, increasing dopamine levels in the brain and making you more likely to take pleasure in an activity and do it again.
Finally, submission and domination role-play likely causes spikes in adrenaline, the chemical responsible for the "fight-or-flight” response. Adrenaline release causes a rewarding subjective high that is so powerful that people jump out of airplanes just to feel it; perhaps they let someone dominate them with whips and chains in order to feel it as well.
Psychologically speaking, it may be tempting to think that people who engage in bondage are simply acting on psychopathic fantasies in a safe setting, but recent research contradicts this baseless idea. In fact, a 2013 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that BDSM practitioners were “less neurotic, more extroverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, [and] less rejection-sensitive" than controls who engaged in more traditional sexual behavior.
It seems, then, that BDSM activity is not fundamentally different from “vanilla” sex, which also involves endorphins, dopamine, and adrenaline release. Rather, BDSM may constitute a particular flavor of sexual activity that is favored by a particular flavor of person.
CF: It’s interesting to think about the stigmas behind BDSM knowing that it’s not all that different chemically from the scented candle, missionary, vanilla-flavored sex I described before. Speaking of flavors, while I have incorporated food into my sex life in a playful way, I know that some people are genuinely aroused by the thought of either watching people consume or play with food. Has there been any research to point to why food has been fetishized?
WS: You’re talking about sitophilia, which is when a person fetishizes the combination of food and sex. Unfortunately, there’s literally no scientific research into this fetish, possibly because it is too rare to warrant attention from money-starved researchers. There is an infinitely broad range of fetishes out there, and they almost undoubtedly all come back to brain chemistry. For some reason, people who fetishize food have formed a unique connection in their brains, one in which food triggers the same or similar pathways as sexual pleasure.
CF: I’ve never personally been aroused by inanimate objects, but incorporating food into sex has always been really fun. While my aforementioned favorite Valentine’s Day sex memory might not sound incredibly romantic, I do recall waking up the next morning feeling that my partner and I had become a lot closer. Is it all that eye contact that makes those romantic feelings develop, or is it something else?
WS: Beyond the neurotransmitters we’ve talked about, there is another chemical released during and after sexual activity that has a more long-lasting effect on the mind and body. This hormone, known as oxytocin, plays a crucial role in intimate sex and the formation of attachments, and has a diverse set of prosocial functions, which promote bonds between humans.
A 2008 study in the journal Biological Psychiatry found that subjects who had oxytocin squirted up their nose were afterward more likely to look at the eye region of a person’s face. In 2009, a group reported in Hormones and Behavior that intranasal oxytocin increased ratings of attractiveness and trustworthiness when subjects were shown pictures of random faces. Oxytocin may even be an effective treatment in high-functioning autism, as was reported in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences in 2010.
As it promotes feelings of trust and attraction, it’s no surprise that oxytocin is involved in sexual relations. It was shown in 1986 that injections of oxytocin in the cerebrospinal fluid of rats caused spontaneous erections and other sexual behaviors, and a 2001 study in The Journal of Neuroscience found that it also promoted sexual activities in female rats. In humans, oxytocin levels increase significantly after orgasm. Be careful, though, because those high levels can produce artificially strong feelings of love, trust, and attraction, which might be why the morning after usually leaves you with a lot more questions than answers.
CF: It is interesting to think that those feelings of love and attraction might be artificial, but that raises the question: What constitutes “real” feelings? Oxytocin might be a conversation for another time. As far as Valentine’s Day goes, whether you cover your partner with chocolate sauce, bust out a pair of fuzzy handcuffs, dim the lights and snuggle, or watch Netflix in bed with your cat, I hope you have a great one.
Have fun sexploring,
Link to article.
This Is Your Brain On Sex
Warren Szewczyk C. Frisky | Feb. 14, 2014, 6:28 p.m.
Whether you're in a happy and committed relationship, you’re hoping to get lucky tonight, or your only plans involve Tumblr, your bed, and a bottle of wine, you can't ignore the fact that today is Valentine’s Day, and suddenly your relationship status, whatever it may be, is in the spotlight. Naturally, when I think about Valentine’s Day, I immediately turn to the sexual aspect of relationships. While the notion of Valentine's Day sex conjures idealized images of partners looking deep into each other's eyes during some variation of missionary while scented candles flicker in the distance, my favorite Valentine's Day memory is of my hands being bound to the bedposts of my first-year residence hall room while my partner licked whipped cream off of my body.
These memories, along with romantic Valentine's Day ideals, prompted me to wonder what it is about food and bondage, discipline, sadism, or masochism (BDSM) that people (myself included) find sexy? Why do others prefer slow, eye-locked romps? Seeking some explanation, I turn to science … in the form of TSL resident science columnist, Warren Szewczyk. We sat down to have a conversation about the intersection of sex and science.
C. Frisky: I explored some of the emotional and theoretical principles behind BDSM (which encompasses bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism) in my column last semester, but coming from a scientific perspective, why do some people like to feel pain, domination, or submission as part of the sexual experience? Is there something actually pleasurable about feeling pain?
Warren Szewczyk: Unfortunately, there isn’t much scientific literature that addresses BDSM practices specifically and why they are popular among certain groups of people. There is, however, a large body of research involving pain and the body’s response to pain. Your brain has a menagerie of naturally produced neurotransmitters, known as endorphins, dedicated to reducing pain and enhancing pleasure. Drugs like heroin and morphine take advantage of these systems by acting like the endorphin molecules your brain produces on its own.
One theory behind the pleasurable aspects of sadomasochism and sex is that, by pairing a painful experience with orgasm, people who participate in BDSM are increasing the endorphins released by the brain, since the brain’s endorphin system is triggered during both orgasm and intense pain.
Other chemical systems may also be involved in the science of BDSM, including the neurotransmitter dopamine, which modulates the reward system in your brain. Opiates like heroin and morphine are highly addictive because they mimic endorphin release, increasing dopamine levels in the brain and making you more likely to take pleasure in an activity and do it again.
Finally, submission and domination role-play likely causes spikes in adrenaline, the chemical responsible for the "fight-or-flight” response. Adrenaline release causes a rewarding subjective high that is so powerful that people jump out of airplanes just to feel it; perhaps they let someone dominate them with whips and chains in order to feel it as well.
Psychologically speaking, it may be tempting to think that people who engage in bondage are simply acting on psychopathic fantasies in a safe setting, but recent research contradicts this baseless idea. In fact, a 2013 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that BDSM practitioners were “less neurotic, more extroverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, [and] less rejection-sensitive" than controls who engaged in more traditional sexual behavior.
It seems, then, that BDSM activity is not fundamentally different from “vanilla” sex, which also involves endorphins, dopamine, and adrenaline release. Rather, BDSM may constitute a particular flavor of sexual activity that is favored by a particular flavor of person.
CF: It’s interesting to think about the stigmas behind BDSM knowing that it’s not all that different chemically from the scented candle, missionary, vanilla-flavored sex I described before. Speaking of flavors, while I have incorporated food into my sex life in a playful way, I know that some people are genuinely aroused by the thought of either watching people consume or play with food. Has there been any research to point to why food has been fetishized?
WS: You’re talking about sitophilia, which is when a person fetishizes the combination of food and sex. Unfortunately, there’s literally no scientific research into this fetish, possibly because it is too rare to warrant attention from money-starved researchers. There is an infinitely broad range of fetishes out there, and they almost undoubtedly all come back to brain chemistry. For some reason, people who fetishize food have formed a unique connection in their brains, one in which food triggers the same or similar pathways as sexual pleasure.
CF: I’ve never personally been aroused by inanimate objects, but incorporating food into sex has always been really fun. While my aforementioned favorite Valentine’s Day sex memory might not sound incredibly romantic, I do recall waking up the next morning feeling that my partner and I had become a lot closer. Is it all that eye contact that makes those romantic feelings develop, or is it something else?
WS: Beyond the neurotransmitters we’ve talked about, there is another chemical released during and after sexual activity that has a more long-lasting effect on the mind and body. This hormone, known as oxytocin, plays a crucial role in intimate sex and the formation of attachments, and has a diverse set of prosocial functions, which promote bonds between humans.
A 2008 study in the journal Biological Psychiatry found that subjects who had oxytocin squirted up their nose were afterward more likely to look at the eye region of a person’s face. In 2009, a group reported in Hormones and Behavior that intranasal oxytocin increased ratings of attractiveness and trustworthiness when subjects were shown pictures of random faces. Oxytocin may even be an effective treatment in high-functioning autism, as was reported in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences in 2010.
As it promotes feelings of trust and attraction, it’s no surprise that oxytocin is involved in sexual relations. It was shown in 1986 that injections of oxytocin in the cerebrospinal fluid of rats caused spontaneous erections and other sexual behaviors, and a 2001 study in The Journal of Neuroscience found that it also promoted sexual activities in female rats. In humans, oxytocin levels increase significantly after orgasm. Be careful, though, because those high levels can produce artificially strong feelings of love, trust, and attraction, which might be why the morning after usually leaves you with a lot more questions than answers.
CF: It is interesting to think that those feelings of love and attraction might be artificial, but that raises the question: What constitutes “real” feelings? Oxytocin might be a conversation for another time. As far as Valentine’s Day goes, whether you cover your partner with chocolate sauce, bust out a pair of fuzzy handcuffs, dim the lights and snuggle, or watch Netflix in bed with your cat, I hope you have a great one.
Have fun sexploring,
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I have recently befriended a young man from India who has been with LUSH for a little while now. He is very in need of guidance, and I would love to help him (unfortunately I am not into the lifestyle yet, although I would definitely be a Dom.) I have explained to him that he needs to learn from others involved in the life.
His name is Simar, he is 22 years old, and his form of BDSM is is way outside of my comfort zone. I believe he needs a place to come for advice and mentoring. I can only do so much. Can you help him? His strict Sikh upbringing seems to have created an inner turmoil that he needs help with.
I have referred him to LUSH's TOS, and the BDSM 101 website.
If anyone can help him, please let me know, or even contact him directly.
I'll include his profile so someone might reach out to him. He's been on the forum, but his social skills need work. He claims to be a virgin (which I am sure he is not) and is completely out of his element here, as far as his social skills go.
https://www.lushstories.com/simar
His name is Simar, he is 22 years old, and his form of BDSM is is way outside of my comfort zone. I believe he needs a place to come for advice and mentoring. I can only do so much. Can you help him? His strict Sikh upbringing seems to have created an inner turmoil that he needs help with.
I have referred him to LUSH's TOS, and the BDSM 101 website.
If anyone can help him, please let me know, or even contact him directly.
I'll include his profile so someone might reach out to him. He's been on the forum, but his social skills need work. He claims to be a virgin (which I am sure he is not) and is completely out of his element here, as far as his social skills go.
https://www.lushstories.com/simar
I have three famous stories, 2 recommended reads and have come in the top ten in two competitions~ Come in and make yourself at home.
Active Ink Slinger
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I read the first post that got this started. I will say I agree and support every thing that was said. My wife Brandie and I have been in the BDSM and Swinging lifestyle for over 36 years together. She is collared and has my mark tattooed where her bush would be if I would let her have one. She stays totally shaved. She got started in in both right after her 17th birthday.
When in a scene she wears her collar. When out in public she wears a Cameo on a black silk ribbon tied snugly around her neck. We are very active sexually but BDSM is only about 10 to 15% of our sexlife. We are more into the bondage side like having her in the stocks at the beginning of a gang bang. We do use a little bit of pain in flogging but it is at best on a mild level. It is enough to make her thighs and ass red.
She is lent out to other Doms. Sometimes as long as a 3 day weekend. A few times while I was out of town for as long as I was gone. That can be just a couple days to as long as a few months while I was in the Air Force from the late 70s thru 2006. Mind you except for a few times the temp Dom is well known to us and I get there sub in a temp situation when they are gone. I do know BDSM couples that live it 24/7/365.
I will probably add to this later.
Nawty
When in a scene she wears her collar. When out in public she wears a Cameo on a black silk ribbon tied snugly around her neck. We are very active sexually but BDSM is only about 10 to 15% of our sexlife. We are more into the bondage side like having her in the stocks at the beginning of a gang bang. We do use a little bit of pain in flogging but it is at best on a mild level. It is enough to make her thighs and ass red.
She is lent out to other Doms. Sometimes as long as a 3 day weekend. A few times while I was out of town for as long as I was gone. That can be just a couple days to as long as a few months while I was in the Air Force from the late 70s thru 2006. Mind you except for a few times the temp Dom is well known to us and I get there sub in a temp situation when they are gone. I do know BDSM couples that live it 24/7/365.
I will probably add to this later.
Nawty
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“She craved
Being told what to do
It was in her soul, her submission to Him
Compelled through words, deeds, and sheer presence
His intense gaze and His confident ways
A soft but firm voice made her tremble
Rough and insistent hands on and inside her
These are the ways he outright owned her
She craved
To comply
To obey
To serve
His need
Borne out of a leader’s desire
To covet and possess
To adore and caress or distress
She craved
To be his Good Girl
Fingered like a slippery pearl
Spanked hard gasping at His will
His passion
Required her submission
Her passion
Was His domination
They were equals
In many ways
Greater in some
And serving with pleasure always
He was protective of her
Overwhelmingly so and that grounded her
She felt confident being vulnerable with Him
Opened up and satisfying Him
He staked His claim
She fell to her knees
He stroked her hair
She gasped for air
He built her up
Understood
She never gave up
Trying to be good
They did what all the others before them couldn’t
They spoke often and from the heart
Supported each other with fierce devotion
And knew implicitly where they stood”
— Original writing © ThePoeticSir 2016
Being told what to do
It was in her soul, her submission to Him
Compelled through words, deeds, and sheer presence
His intense gaze and His confident ways
A soft but firm voice made her tremble
Rough and insistent hands on and inside her
These are the ways he outright owned her
She craved
To comply
To obey
To serve
His need
Borne out of a leader’s desire
To covet and possess
To adore and caress or distress
She craved
To be his Good Girl
Fingered like a slippery pearl
Spanked hard gasping at His will
His passion
Required her submission
Her passion
Was His domination
They were equals
In many ways
Greater in some
And serving with pleasure always
He was protective of her
Overwhelmingly so and that grounded her
She felt confident being vulnerable with Him
Opened up and satisfying Him
He staked His claim
She fell to her knees
He stroked her hair
She gasped for air
He built her up
Understood
She never gave up
Trying to be good
They did what all the others before them couldn’t
They spoke often and from the heart
Supported each other with fierce devotion
And knew implicitly where they stood”
— Original writing © ThePoeticSir 2016
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Quote by MostPreciousLittle
Great memes on the subject, very nice
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Louder!! ?? People are frustrating.
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So I have read some stories about this subject or rather sexual stories. Also I have read some general things on the subject. My question is this, Can a relationship in where you have a dominate and submissive person be one of gentleness, caring while still maintaing that one of the two people in the relationship is in charge? Also what would you define as the characteristics of a healthy dominate person in that kind of relationship?
Her Royal Spriteness
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Quote by Miso101
So I have read some stories about this subject or rather sexual stories. Also I have read some general things on the subject. My question is this, Can a relationship in where you have a dominate and submissive person be one of gentleness, caring while still maintaing that one of the two people in the relationship is in charge? Also what would you define as the characteristics of a healthy dominate person in that kind of relationship?
oh, god yes. the best D/s relationships are. really, i can't imagine them not being that way. a good Dom/me truly cares for her sub, looks out for her needs, and even if it's not a romantic relationship, there is love between them. for me, anything else wouldn't feel right.
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
Active Ink Slinger
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Great thread, thanks everyone. I dabbled a while ago in college with someone who I now view very negatively for a bunch of reasons. This has helped me kind of normalize it and let's me think about the future.
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Another good sourcs of advice for this life style is https://instructor144.tumblr.com
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I found this really helpful. I’m new to it and it’s a great way to educate others.
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Hello all! I’m zoe 22 From USA ! I can do everything for u, sending nude photos, live naughty pics naked, masturbating videos , texting dirty all day, or making cum u 3 4 times in a row… I’m sharing naughty pics and videos so if you are interested then add me on xedgLy8yiTzcJeRg … u can also contect me on hangut jolie.smith805@
Advanced Wordsmith
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If this is the wrong place for a few questins, my apologies. First. I've never done any BDSM. I'm asking as I do wish to have a better and correct understanding of this form and second as I'd like to use some bondage in a story and I want to get it right.
As I understand the following are required in bondage:
There is always a DOM and a sub. There never is co-equal participation sharing.
Shared trust in each other for the experience to be enjoyable by both.
Safe words/actions that both agree on and ardently adhere to.
If I'm wrong or have misunderstood what I read, again my apologies.
Now for my questions:
How would the experienced partner bring in her new love who is a vanilla?
Does/would she always be the DOM or can there be a co-equal experience?
As I understand the following are required in bondage:
There is always a DOM and a sub. There never is co-equal participation sharing.
Shared trust in each other for the experience to be enjoyable by both.
Safe words/actions that both agree on and ardently adhere to.
If I'm wrong or have misunderstood what I read, again my apologies.
Now for my questions:
How would the experienced partner bring in her new love who is a vanilla?
Does/would she always be the DOM or can there be a co-equal experience?
"Illegitimis non carborundum." Vinger Joe Stllwell
What you learn in life is important; those you help learn are more.
What you learn in life is important; those you help learn are more.
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Quote by Pelwrath
If this is the wrong place for a few questins, my apologies. First. I've never done any BDSM. I'm asking as I do wish to have a better and correct understanding of this form and second as I'd like to use some bondage in a story and I want to get it right.
As I understand the following are required in bondage:
There is always a DOM and a sub. There never is co-equal participation sharing.
Shared trust in each other for the experience to be enjoyable by both.
Safe words/actions that both agree on and ardently adhere to.
If I'm wrong or have misunderstood what I read, again my apologies.
Now for my questions:
How would the experienced partner bring in her new love who is a vanilla?
Does/would she always be the DOM or can there be a co-equal experience?
It is my experience, which is limited to my life and those I have interacted with, that seriously commited individuals to the roles of D/s do not switch back and forth constantly. When there IS a role reversal it becomes the new dynamic for as long as both are comfortable from a mentally satifaction stand point in so much the new role they find themselves in brings out complete fulfillment for both individuals.
In my case, my wife and I started with me as the submissive. Over time though, there were signs to indicate she was not as Dominant as we both thought, and I still had lingering Dominant tendencies. Namely, there were nights she’d revel in my wearing the strap and roughly taking her. After enough times of this as well as her being a bit sloppy with things around the home, I requested a talk outside our power dynamic. We decided to go a couple weeks with our roles reversed. We haven’t gone back since and that’s been a couple years now.
Now how to get a vanilla into BDSM...
With all due respect, on the surface it sounds more like you want to merely spice up your love making with your partner. Have either of you ever shown a clear indication of
1) Giving directives the other was expected to follow while the one recieving directives seemed to get a thrill from being told they did a good job doing the task?
2) Has the person in your relationship giving out directives shown an interest in protecting and building up the one receiving directives? THIS one is what separates the wanna be Dominants from the real thing.
3) Do you understand and already practice Safe, Sane, and Consensual activities in all aspects of your relationship? Again this is another filter point, because if all three are not practiced then you are straying into abuse. Yes a bottom CAN abuse their top if they themself are not respecting the power dynamic to help things stay Safe, Sane, and Consensual.
I also sense you might prefer to be the submissive in your relationship, so here is the dynamic you MUST adhere to.
First comes the Dominants NEEDS
Next comes the sub’s NEEDS
Followed by the sub’s WANTS
And finally the Dominant’s WANTS
If your partner’s NEEDS as your Dominant do NOT include adding overt aspects of BDSM into your relationship, then leave it alone. However, there are ways to give nudges to the person you desire to become your Dominant.
Ask for permission to do activities. Do you go to game nights with your buddies? Ask. If told no you may not, follow up with asking how they would want to spend the day/evening? This actually gives your partner two opportunities to Dominate you and both play into the NEEDS/WANTS mentioned before. In the example you want to go play, but they expressed a potential need for you to stay home. However, it might be that they merely want you to stay home, and you might actually need to go out and play as it provides a stimuli that acts as a stress relief.
To wrap this up, evaluate your situation, and do not just go straight into kinky sexy play of BDSM. Learn what roles you both are willing to fulfill for the other. You can do preliminary testing of the waters as already mentioned, but be willinging to accept No as an answer if your partner doesn’t want sexual BDSM in your lives.
Her Royal Spriteness
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Quote by MissKat76
It is my experience, which is limited to my life and those I have interacted with, that seriously commited individuals to the roles of D/s do not switch back and forth constantly. When there IS a role reversal it becomes the new dynamic for as long as both are comfortable from a mentally satifaction stand point in so much the new role they find themselves in brings out complete fulfillment for both individuals.
In my case, my wife and I started with me as the submissive. Over time though, there were signs to indicate she was not as Dominant as we both thought, and I still had lingering Dominant tendencies. Namely, there were nights she’d revel in my wearing the strap and roughly taking her. After enough times of this as well as her being a bit sloppy with things around the home, I requested a talk outside our power dynamic. We decided to go a couple weeks with our roles reversed. We haven’t gone back since and that’s been a couple years now.
Now how to get a vanilla into BDSM...
With all due respect, on the surface it sounds more like you want to merely spice up your love making with your partner. Have either of you ever shown a clear indication of
1) Giving directives the other was expected to follow while the one recieving directives seemed to get a thrill from being told they did a good job doing the task?
2) Has the person in your relationship giving out directives shown an interest in protecting and building up the one receiving directives? THIS one is what separates the wanna be Dominants from the real thing.
3) Do you understand and already practice Safe, Sane, and Consensual activities in all aspects of your relationship? Again this is another filter point, because if all three are not practiced then you are straying into abuse. Yes a bottom CAN abuse their top if they themself are not respecting the power dynamic to help things stay Safe, Sane, and Consensual.
I also sense you might prefer to be the submissive in your relationship, so here is the dynamic you MUST adhere to.
First comes the Dominants NEEDS
Next comes the sub’s NEEDS
Followed by the sub’s WANTS
And finally the Dominant’s WANTS
If your partner’s NEEDS as your Dominant do NOT include adding overt aspects of BDSM into your relationship, then leave it alone. However, there are ways to give nudges to the person you desire to become your Dominant.
Ask for permission to do activities. Do you go to game nights with your buddies? Ask. If told no you may not, follow up with asking how they would want to spend the day/evening? This actually gives your partner two opportunities to Dominate you and both play into the NEEDS/WANTS mentioned before. In the example you want to go play, but they expressed a potential need for you to stay home. However, it might be that they merely want you to stay home, and you might actually need to go out and play as it provides a stimuli that acts as a stress relief.
To wrap this up, evaluate your situation, and do not just go straight into kinky sexy play of BDSM. Learn what roles you both are willing to fulfill for the other. You can do preliminary testing of the waters as already mentioned, but be willinging to accept No as an answer if your partner doesn’t want sexual BDSM in your lives.
like to add my two cents here to something that Miss Kat mentioned that is very important. D/s is not just about kinky sex. if you're just looking for that, than it's more roleplay than anything else. it applies to your relationship outside the bedroom as well - really, it adheres to all aspects of your relationship, sometime in subtle ways, but yeah, it's a part of everything between you.
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
Advanced Wordsmith
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To Miss Kat and Sprite. I’m still at work but as far as interst in doing BDSM with my wife or other...no. A friend in another writing group(Legend Fire no longer around)told me when I mentioned BDSM in a story. Research it so I don’t do what 50 Shades did.
As for why no, my wife had a hemerage about ten years ago and needed an emergency histerectomy. Our sex life has always been rather basic. I do inderstand why you think I(we) would be interested in such.
Thanks for your answers as if I had put switching roles(D/s) in a story I’d only be showing that I didn’t know what I was talking about. I’d like to ask more but not sure if I should. I’ve resesrched homemade rockets and wespons for a post apocalyptic story but have zero desire to make any of them.
I had a story put up today. The next part will be about a vanilla having BDSM explained to them. I just want to do that right.
I’ll ad that several of your suggestions make very good sense in any loving and healy relationship. Thankyou both very much for your answers and the time and thought you put into them.
Pelwrath
As for why no, my wife had a hemerage about ten years ago and needed an emergency histerectomy. Our sex life has always been rather basic. I do inderstand why you think I(we) would be interested in such.
Thanks for your answers as if I had put switching roles(D/s) in a story I’d only be showing that I didn’t know what I was talking about. I’d like to ask more but not sure if I should. I’ve resesrched homemade rockets and wespons for a post apocalyptic story but have zero desire to make any of them.
I had a story put up today. The next part will be about a vanilla having BDSM explained to them. I just want to do that right.
I’ll ad that several of your suggestions make very good sense in any loving and healy relationship. Thankyou both very much for your answers and the time and thought you put into them.
Pelwrath
"Illegitimis non carborundum." Vinger Joe Stllwell
What you learn in life is important; those you help learn are more.
What you learn in life is important; those you help learn are more.
Lurker
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What kind of punishment for should I get for eating Halloween candy when I shouldn't be? 
Rookie Scribe
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Sex safe candles https://passioncraftstore.com/4-bondage-ropes-wax-play-candle-kit add pepper to such games and allow you to enjoy the sensations to the fullest. My clients are always happy with such manipulations, because the experience of pain strengthens psychological health.