One thing I don't see talked about much on here is aftercare. We all know that finding someone is important and how to find them. The things you do with them. What hard and soft limits someone has. What about aftercare? I know for me, after having rough play time, I need some love. For example: Having my ass rubbed with lotion after an intense canning or paddling, or even just cuddling.
Subs, what are the top 3 aftercare things a Dom can do to help you recalibrate back to normal?
Doms, what are the top 3 aftercare things you enjoy/need to give a sub after a play session?
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Aftercare needs :)
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Active Ink Slinger
Quote by littlebirdie92
One thing I don't see talked about much on here is aftercare. We all know that finding someone is important and how to find them. The things you do with them. What hard and soft limits someone has. What about aftercare? I know for me, after having rough play time, I need some love. For example: Having my ass rubbed with lotion after an intense canning or paddling, or even just cuddling.
Subs, what are the top 3 aftercare things a Dom can do to help you recalibrate back to normal?
Doms, what are the top 3 aftercare things you enjoy/need to give a sub after a play session?
The term you use ""aftercare"" freaks me out. it is the exact same term my friend has said to me after we had a session. I already have a problem with the idea that there is ""äftercare"" like an obligation before I am sent home; also a problem. So tell me plase how you feel about what that term implies. Also I think one of my soft limits needs to become one of my hard limits because I am getting too hurt, but I am hesitant to talk about it because we are having problems with intimacy already and I am worried this will only make it worse. I need a little more sensuality and kissing in particular. My friend seems to be less and less into it.
Advanced Wordsmith
First I need to be put in a place so that I can come down from my state of euphoria because I'm usually in a complete daze after. So he's been putting me in the corner right after ( I would love a cage), after that I get water, and we cuddle and process.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by apainter
The term you use ""aftercare"" freaks me out. it is the exact same term my friend has said to me after we had a session. I already have a problem with the idea that there is ""äftercare"" like an obligation before I am sent home; also a problem. So tell me plase how you feel about what that term implies. Also I think one of my soft limits needs to become one of my hard limits because I am getting too hurt, but I am hesitant to talk about it because we are having problems with intimacy already and I am worried this will only make it worse. I need a little more sensuality and kissing in particular. My friend seems to be less and less into it.
Communication is the largest piece of the D/s relationship. Without it, it becomes one person controlling and clueless to what is really going on. The other person gets more and more emotionally distraught.
I had a big fight with my sub recently, a lot of what turned out to be her scared to speak her mind. I have told her from the beginning I need to know what your thinking. We settled our arguement. My point is that communication is key. Aftercare is the most critical, I always pull my babe in and apply lotions if needed, I always cuddle with her to assure her all is good. Aftercare is equal in importance to communication.
Wild at Heart
Quote by MasterTredem
Communication is the largest piece of the D/s relationship. Without it, it becomes one person controlling and clueless to what is really going on. The other person gets more and more emotionally distraught.
So like, cunning manipulation? So the sub doesn't catch on?
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by Magical_felix
So like, cunning manipulation? So the sub doesn't catch on?
it can lead to that Felix, The goal however is to have open communication so the dom can learn what the sub loves and hates. D/s should be viewed and treated like any other relationship, if it cant carry the basic principles of a good relationship. Then it stands no chance of ever surviving.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by Magical_felix
So like, cunning manipulation? So the sub doesn't catch on?
it can lead to that Felix, The goal however is to have open communication so the dom can learn what the sub loves and hates. D/s should be viewed and treated like any other relationship, if it cant carry the basic principles of a good relationship. Then it stands no chance of ever surviving.
Wild at Heart
Quote by MasterTredem
it can lead to that Felix, The goal however is to have open communication so the dom can learn what the sub loves and hates.
Oh sweet, so like in order to eventually lead to that I have to be subtle and clever. Like, make her think it's all open communication and that she actually loves me being the boss. But I have to be tricky about it. Like pretend it's a whole thing, like a lifestyle we live 'together'. But really, I'm just planting the seeds of control?
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by Magical_felix
Oh sweet, so like in order to eventually lead to that I have to be subtle and clever. Like, make her think it's all open communication and that she actually loves me being the boss. But I have to be tricky about it. Like pretend it's a whole thing, like a lifestyle we live 'together'. But really, I'm just planting the seeds of control?
Felix, if control and being the boss are what get you excited, I wish you the best of luck finding a woman to share your interests.
Wild at Heart
Quote by MasterTredem
Felix, if control and being the boss are what get you excited, I wish you the best of luck finding a woman to share your interests.
I'm just asking for pointers. Doesn't being the Master imply being the boss? Or are you saying that title is a misnomer? I was trying to understand your advice.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by Magical_felix
I'm just asking for pointers. Doesn't being the Master imply being the boss? Or are you saying that title is a misnomer? I was trying to understand your advice.
Felix, you are trying to make the BDSM relationship way to simple. It is so much more than simple. If you maintain the attitude I'm the boss deal with it, then it's not a relationship. Relationship are equal trade offs of give and take, what you are trying to imply is just take.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by Magical_felix
I'm just asking for pointers. Doesn't being the Master imply being the boss? Or are you saying that title is a misnomer? I was trying to understand your advice.
I'm with you on this. It doesn't strike me as BDSM more like bdsm roleplay! Why would a dom bother with "aftercare"?
B: Oh god - this is such a must. When I'm coming down from a really good trip I need this. Sir is always good about it. Cuddles, a warm blanket, something to snack on - the standard stuff is a given. He's also the type to carry me into the bed and maybe give me a short, but relaxing massage. Sometimes it's a warm bath with him - he's got this wonderful corner tub that fits all three of us.
I was with one 'dom' years ago who's idea of aftercare was to sit and wait for me to come out of it on my own - needless to say, our one long scene was our LAST scene.
I was with one 'dom' years ago who's idea of aftercare was to sit and wait for me to come out of it on my own - needless to say, our one long scene was our LAST scene.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by SirAlta
After care is an important component to the scene. If you have done your job correctly your sub is coming down from one hell of an endorphin rush. I can also be the perfect time to talk and decompress. I also often used it as a time to begin setting in motion the next scene.
I wish to apologise for my previous dumb post that was based purely on ignorance of the ideal. A friend has now explained clearly to me and it makes perfect sense. I always assumed, wrongly, that support played no part but I realize now how important it is.
I think of "Aftercare" being like a Treatment center "aftercare." It seems like a very fitting term, though for this. That is exactly what it is "care." I am fairly new and we do not get that extreme yet. For those that "care" ~ yes you have to have a downtime and a relax and a rest the heated, hot, sore and painful bum/and all other things! ^0^
Depends on the person, and depends on the relationship.
It would also depend, I think, on the standard and relative level of intimacy in each particular D/s relationship.
Some people are not cuddlers. I wasn't.
Some people 'baby' better than others....
That said, neosporin will forever be a friend, and flexible bandaids, etc. IF I ever need something from rough play. Cold packs sound like a good idea and that pampering and attentive, make dinner or order out for you, cover you, tend to, kiss your head, warm towel, place a pillow... Isn't it a lot like an injury or a person being sick? How well your Dom does, or whoever, is just what it is, but the after needs will ultimately fall to that person/me.
The after climax sex has become a very special and happy aspect of enjoying each other and the fruits of our labor. Physical needs that your body needs have to taken care of. We really enjoy what comes after too. We enjoy what we do and what we say.
I think you should treat someone the way you would want to be treated in that case, or that the partner should.
We just treat each other that way anyway, but more so whatever we need: Sleep, a stretch & cuddle on the sofa to watch a movie and all needs accessible right there... a soak in the bath... etc. My mate is right there. "What can I get you?" Can I wash your ...back?" XD Just because he is a Dom, a very natural D in his role, doesn't mean he is not sensitive to my needs or wants in a softer, affectionate way too... kissing and comforting, listening and caring. Mine is a Daddy-Dom though, it grew into that and is on a kinky end of that, so he feels a major responsibilty to see to my needs and care at all times like that. It works.
Depends on the person, and depends on the relationship.
It would also depend, I think, on the standard and relative level of intimacy in each particular D/s relationship.
Some people are not cuddlers. I wasn't.
Some people 'baby' better than others....
That said, neosporin will forever be a friend, and flexible bandaids, etc. IF I ever need something from rough play. Cold packs sound like a good idea and that pampering and attentive, make dinner or order out for you, cover you, tend to, kiss your head, warm towel, place a pillow... Isn't it a lot like an injury or a person being sick? How well your Dom does, or whoever, is just what it is, but the after needs will ultimately fall to that person/me.
The after climax sex has become a very special and happy aspect of enjoying each other and the fruits of our labor. Physical needs that your body needs have to taken care of. We really enjoy what comes after too. We enjoy what we do and what we say.
I think you should treat someone the way you would want to be treated in that case, or that the partner should.
We just treat each other that way anyway, but more so whatever we need: Sleep, a stretch & cuddle on the sofa to watch a movie and all needs accessible right there... a soak in the bath... etc. My mate is right there. "What can I get you?" Can I wash your ...back?" XD Just because he is a Dom, a very natural D in his role, doesn't mean he is not sensitive to my needs or wants in a softer, affectionate way too... kissing and comforting, listening and caring. Mine is a Daddy-Dom though, it grew into that and is on a kinky end of that, so he feels a major responsibilty to see to my needs and care at all times like that. It works.
Quote by dpw
I'm with you on this. It doesn't strike me as BDSM more like bdsm roleplay! Why would a dom bother with "aftercare"?
Not everyone is so extreme or slaps a person then seeks to comfort or calls them something nasty then says "I love you." If they do it is consensual. I would think manipulation, even like that could be outside BDSM. I would think BDSM people are MORE aware and MORE aware of what they are doing. They are GIVING control (sub) of FREE choice on things they actually "like." Being aware of what you like and do not like allows you to explore & that is why communication is key. The roles are real and then there is "play." Just because there is kink or BD or something does not mean there is not REAL feelings and real love involved. You have to take each individual relationship by itself and get to know them before you can say things about it. In a relationship you want to please the other person. the D is actually pleasing the sub as the sub wishes. (So who is really "in control"? The answer is BOTH - it is really mutual trust, trust enough to act in those ways). The level of things varies as much as the individuals dogma and views. lol It is not about controlling people who want to mindfuck someone into their web and play at manipulating someone and emotionally hurt their partner. It is not always about negative - negative as it seems sometimes on the surface. It is understanding dynamics that widely vary and then acting those fantasies out together and living by your own standard of what is "acceptible" to YOU (BOTH).
Does that make any better sense?
Quote by 1LovelyKinkyKitsune
I think of "Aftercare" being like a Treatment center "aftercare." It seems like a very fitting term, though for this. That is exactly what it is "care." I am fairly new and we do not get that extreme yet. For those that "care" ~ yes you have to have a downtime and a relax and a rest the heated, hot, sore and painful bum/and all other things! ^0^
Depends on the person, and depends on the relationship.
It would also depend, I think, on the standard and relative level of intimacy in each particular D/s relationship.
IF I ever need something from rough play. Cold packs sound like a good idea and that pampering and attentive, make dinner or order out for you, cover you, tend to, kiss your head, warm towel, place a pillow... Isn't it a lot like an injury or a person being sick? How well your Dom does, or whoever, is just what it is, but the after needs will ultimately fall to that person/me.
The after climax sex has become a very special and happy aspect of enjoying each other and the fruits of our labor. Physical needs that your body needs have to taken care of. We really enjoy what comes after too. We enjoy what we do and what we say.
I think you should treat someone the way you would want to be treated in that case, or that the partner should.
We just treat each other that way anyway, but more so whatever we need: Sleep, a stretch & cuddle on the sofa to watch a movie and all needs accessible right there... a soak in the bath... etc. My mate is right there. "What can I get you?" Can I wash your ...back?" XD Just because he is a Dom, a very natural D in his role, doesn't mean he is not sensitive to my needs or wants in a softer, affectionate way too... kissing and comforting, listening and caring. Mine is a Daddy-Dom though, it grew into that and is on a kinky end of that, so he feels a major responsibilty to see to my needs and care at all times like that. It works.
OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES
Well said 1LovelyKinkyKitsune =d> .
That's exactly how my former and soon to be again Daddy/Little relationship was/will be.
It was our lifestyle 24/7 and I felt a great deal of loving responsibility toward her. She put herself in my care to not abuse but to use for both of our pleasures. And God could she give back.
Aftercare was always there for us both whether it had to do with our D/s relationship or if one of us had a bad day.
Too many mistake BDSM as BD or SM hardcore when there's also the DS side.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by 1LovelyKinkyKitsune
Not everyone is so extreme or slaps a person then seeks to comfort or calls them something nasty then says "I love you." If they do it is consensual. I would think manipulation, even like that could be outside BDSM. I would think BDSM people are MORE aware and MORE aware of what they are doing. They are GIVING control (sub) of FREE choice on things they actually "like." Being aware of what you like and do not like allows you to explore & that is why communication is key. The roles are real and then there is "play." Just because there is kink or BD or something does not mean there is not REAL feelings and real love involved. You have to take each individual relationship by itself and get to know them before you can say things about it. In a relationship you want to please the other person. the D is actually pleasing the sub as the sub wishes. (So who is really "in control"? The answer is BOTH - it is really mutual trust, trust enough to act in those ways). The level of things varies as much as the individuals dogma and views. lol It is not about controlling people who want to mindfuck someone into their web and play at manipulating someone and emotionally hurt their partner. It is not always about negative - negative as it seems sometimes on the surface. It is understanding dynamics that widely vary and then acting those fantasies out together and living by your own standard of what is "acceptible" to YOU (BOTH).
Does that make any better sense?
You should read the post just above your first one! This wasn't necessary on my behalf.
Quote by dpw
You should read the post just above your first one! This wasn't necessary on my behalf.
I read. I was just trying to help (or add to), if I could. 'And if I did not need to, [as I did not know what your friend explained], then I still felt it was needed to say for other people due to other posts here, too, not just yours. There were too many to quote. It was my attempt, even with limited experience, to include some other things. It seemed a good quote to use for what I was trying to say. The objective was not about you per se, though if I could add to, that would be great, I did see you said someone explained. Sorry for quoting you AFTER you said that.
I still hope what I said could help someone else.
Active Ink Slinger
i believe that 1Lovely has expressed this really well, thank you. For this little submissive, mutual trust has been earned and deeply enjoyed. This has led to an ever-deepening relationship and times of such intensity.
Quote by 1LovelyKinkyKitsune
Not everyone is so extreme or slaps a person then seeks to comfort or calls them something nasty then says "I love you." If they do it is consensual. I would think manipulation, even like that could be outside BDSM. I would think BDSM people are MORE aware and MORE aware of what they are doing. They are GIVING control (sub) of FREE choice on things they actually "like." Being aware of what you like and do not like allows you to explore & that is why communication is key. The roles are real and then there is "play." Just because there is kink or BD or something does not mean there is not REAL feelings and real love involved. You have to take each individual relationship by itself and get to know them before you can say things about it. In a relationship you want to please the other person. the D is actually pleasing the sub as the sub wishes. (So who is really "in control"? The answer is BOTH - it is really mutual trust, trust enough to act in those ways). The level of things varies as much as the individuals dogma and views. lol It is not about controlling people who want to mindfuck someone into their web and play at manipulating someone and emotionally hurt their partner. It is not always about negative - negative as it seems sometimes on the surface. It is understanding dynamics that widely vary and then acting those fantasies out together and living by your own standard of what is "acceptible" to YOU (BOTH).
Does that make any better sense?
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable."
C'è un fascino per il proibito che lo rende indicibilmente desiderabile.
— Mark Twain
C'è un fascino per il proibito che lo rende indicibilmente desiderabile.
— Mark Twain