Active Ink Slinger
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Every sub has. BUT it was her wish. NEVER my DEMAND... If anyone thinks otherwise they are so nieve.
Quote by OldDom48
Since I use a profile picture that is surely one you will find offensive, I feel compelled to respond.
It is not a very bright Dom who says, "You have no choice", and I completely agree with you about the positive attributes of a D/s relationship. I fully understand that a submissive always has a choice about to whom she will submit, as well as what limits she willl set on what her submission will look like. And every responsible Dom must always have his sub's best interests in mind. That said, there seem to be many subs who find the images you hate so much to be very compelling. Several women have commented postively about my profile picture, while I have never received any negative comments about it (though I suppose that will soon change!). Many Doms and subs are delighted to play in ways that would result in very similar pictures if someone happened to be photographing them. So what I object to about your post is the gross generalization that all such images somehow denote that the pictured Dom is a bad one. NOTHING about these images precludes the relationship represented by them from having each and every one of the positive attributes you list in your post.
Shall we assume, based on this picture I have posted from your Tumblr blog, that you and every other sub with a spanked ass are in abusive relationships?
It has been said many times and in many ways by many men who aspire to dominance that the reason for a relationship’s failure was because the submissive refused to be led. That she was not a “good enough submissive.”
I’ve spent over a decade in the lifestyle now, and at this point I’ve learned enough that the phrase upsets my equilibrium. My frustration the product of an understanding of how deleterious the words can be, and how manipulative the act of uttering them is. That frustration or even perhaps that anger which arises in my soul is driven by an innate desire to protect. I know too well the pain that words can create has the potential to be paralyzing. They’re words that invalidate her effort, that belittle her fears, that arouse her anxiety.
And unconsciously or not, is that not the intent? When we’re disappointed in our child, do we not question why ever they would do such a thing? Do we not question their actions hoping to instill in them a sense of shame?
"How could they?"
The fundamental flaw in laying the blame at those we seek to lead is that tools such as shame and embarrassment do not lead us any closer to our objectives. When we shame those we ought to be inspiring by the quality of our words and actions, we lead them down a path of self-doubt. A submissive flower does not bloom in the darkness of failure, it’s petals spread for those that gently coax and nurture it’s growth, those that guide it to life. It sheds it’s shell and opens only for those that envelope them in the warmth and light of love and forgiveness.
There was a moment some years ago, back when I was a much younger and more foolish man than even I am now, when a moment of rare clarity struck me that these words were illogical. Laughably so. You see the inherent contradiction that exists here is that there can be no such thing as a “bad submissive.”
When we think of what any person is, we come to understand that they are the product of their circumstances. Their education, their upbringing, their experiences. I am thirty one years of experience, of education. Equal measures of blessings, curses, education, successes, and failures. A unique blend of genetics and synaptic conditioning that make has arranged my synaptic bridges to interact with my neurons in ways that make me, me.
Those synaptic responses are the results of the programming of our lives. The brilliant thing about the human mind of course is that we can be rewired, our human computer reprogrammed. We can be taught to react to stimuli in different ways. We learn, we grow, we evolve, and our specific species of animal does this better than any other. Almost any part of us can be altered. We can overcome our mental and emotional limitations, we can rise, strive, and conquer; ourselves, our worlds.
So when a dominant tells a submissive that she isn’t, “a good enough submissive,” my mind quavers at the concept. How ever could such a thing as a “bad submissive” exist? Is the submissive not the product of her dominant’s teachings? Is she not the woman that his hands, those that love and those that correct, have melded? Does an artist look down at his tapestry and belittle it for having laid the brushstrokes inadequately?
Is that not what I am, an artist that paints with love instead of oil? Has she not given herself to me, laid herself bare before me for my guidance and entrusted me with her growth? And in accepting this gift of life have I not also accepted responsibility for it’s cultivation? Does the farmer blame the crop that he sows?
No, there is no such thing as a bad canvas, nor a bad seed. There are however poor artists and poor farmers; those that lay their strokes without care, or growers who fail to water their plant. So why would we deign to blame the submissive when she is merely a product of his tutelage, his guidance, his love, his discipline?
When a dominant man says that she has been a “bad submissive,” is he not, in full disclosure, saying that he is a bad dominant? Has he not accepted full responsibility for the quality of his charge, and is he not admitting to negligence or ineffectiveness? In doing so is he not forsaking his duty, his ethics, his ethos?
Surely submissives will err, such is the nature of humanity. But when I wake, to whom will I bestow the obligation of accountability? To the one I’ve aspired to lead? It is a matter of fundamental import wherein I must make a full accounting of my desires. Do I wish to be the man who demurs and deflects? Or do I aspire to be the man to whom she can entrust her bared soul?
Could there ever be such a thing as a “bad submissive?” Are there not only ineffective dominants
It has been said many times and in many ways by many men who aspire to dominance that the reason for a relationship’s failure was because the submissive refused to be led. That she was not a “good enough submissive.”
I’ve spent over a decade in the lifestyle now, and at this point I’ve learned enough that the phrase upsets my equilibrium. My frustration the product of an understanding of how deleterious the words can be, and how manipulative the act of uttering them is. That frustration or even perhaps that anger which arises in my soul is driven by an innate desire to protect. I know too well the pain that words can create has the potential to be paralyzing. They’re words that invalidate her effort, that belittle her fears, that arouse her anxiety.
And unconsciously or not, is that not the intent? When we’re disappointed in our child, do we not question why ever they would do such a thing? Do we not question their actions hoping to instill in them a sense of shame?
"How could they?"
The fundamental flaw in laying the blame at those we seek to lead is that tools such as shame and embarrassment do not lead us any closer to our objectives. When we shame those we ought to be inspiring by the quality of our words and actions, we lead them down a path of self-doubt. A submissive flower does not bloom in the darkness of failure, it’s petals spread for those that gently coax and nurture it’s growth, those that guide it to life. It sheds it’s shell and opens only for those that envelope them in the warmth and light of love and forgiveness.
There was a moment some years ago, back when I was a much younger and more foolish man than even I am now, when a moment of rare clarity struck me that these words were illogical. Laughably so. You see the inherent contradiction that exists here is that there can be no such thing as a “bad submissive.”
When we think of what any person is, we come to understand that they are the product of their circumstances. Their education, their upbringing, their experiences. I am thirty one years of experience, of education. Equal measures of blessings, curses, education, successes, and failures. A unique blend of genetics and synaptic conditioning that make has arranged my synaptic bridges to interact with my neurons in ways that make me, me.
Those synaptic responses are the results of the programming of our lives. The brilliant thing about the human mind of course is that we can be rewired, our human computer reprogrammed. We can be taught to react to stimuli in different ways. We learn, we grow, we evolve, and our specific species of animal does this better than any other. Almost any part of us can be altered. We can overcome our mental and emotional limitations, we can rise, strive, and conquer; ourselves, our worlds.
So when a dominant tells a submissive that she isn’t, “a good enough submissive,” my mind quavers at the concept. How ever could such a thing as a “bad submissive” exist? Is the submissive not the product of her dominant’s teachings? Is she not the woman that his hands, those that love and those that correct, have melded? Does an artist look down at his tapestry and belittle it for having laid the brushstrokes inadequately?
Is that not what I am, an artist that paints with love instead of oil? Has she not given herself to me, laid herself bare before me for my guidance and entrusted me with her growth? And in accepting this gift of life have I not also accepted responsibility for it’s cultivation? Does the farmer blame the crop that he sows?
No, there is no such thing as a bad canvas, nor a bad seed. There are however poor artists and poor farmers; those that lay their strokes without care, or growers who fail to water their plant. So why would we deign to blame the submissive when she is merely a product of his tutelage, his guidance, his love, his discipline?
When a dominant man says that she has been a “bad submissive,” is he not, in full disclosure, saying that he is a bad dominant? Has he not accepted full responsibility for the quality of his charge, and is he not admitting to negligence or ineffectiveness? In doing so is he not forsaking his duty, his ethics, his ethos?
Surely submissives will err, such is the nature of humanity. But when I wake, to whom will I bestow the obligation of accountability? To the one I’ve aspired to lead? It is a matter of fundamental import wherein I must make a full accounting of my desires. Do I wish to be the man who demurs and deflects? Or do I aspire to be the man to whom she can entrust her bared soul?
Could there ever be such a thing as a “bad submissive?” Are there not only ineffective dominants?
Quote by MdeSade64
Daddypleaser I do agree with you to a certain extent. In my previous post I made the comment about incompetent wannabe doms. I used that reference because if a real DOM calls a sub a "bad" sub, then they don't know how to communicate with their sub. I have had subs with whom it wasn't going to work. But I knew that and I would never say that they are a bad sub. That was my point. You don't blame either the sub or the Dom(me) for it not working. You simply say sorry ad move on.
I have had the typical "one-nighter" but that is different for an on going relationship. With those there is an emotional investment. We need that to make it work.
Quote by Daddypleaser
Yes it takes so much to make a bdsm relationship work, just like it would any other relationship. I think I understand your reference better now, and agree. Are you basically saying that a committed Dom will evaluate him/herself first when/if something doesn't work? Look to see what cues may have been missed or what needs may have been unfulfilled? Use the experience to grow as a Master rather than just throwing his hands up and saying "bad sub!"? I wholeheartedly agree, but would chance saying a sincere sub ought do the same.
Quote by Entire_essence
I knew, but was quite scared of it, to fully understand, let go and trust. Totally different contrast to my real working life when I am a very dominant business woman. I have, like others, tried to learn with others, but it truely isn't full filling unless you meet your match.
Limits yes but they are very personal between me and my Daddy Dom, which have fallen by the sides as our love and trust overtakes any apprehensive. There is a difference between someone opening you up and allowing personal growth, rather than cruelty and using one for self humour or ego trip.
Some Helpful Tips for Those New to BDSM
1. Take it SLOW - I know you are excited. You want to just jump right in and do what you saw at the movies, on television or read in a book. If you take it slow, you greatly reduce the chance of anyone getting injured or mentally scarred by what happens.
2. CONSENT - This is HUGE. I cannot stress enough the importance of have the consent of all that are involved. This means Dominants and submissives BOTH. Consent is the cornerstone of all BDSM activities and without that, it is abuse.
3. COMMUNICATION - Second only to consent, communicating your needs, desires, limits and expectations is crucial. If you cannot communicate to your Dominant what you want or cannot communicate to your submissive what you are comfortable with, you need to stop and reconsider.
4. Practice, practice, practice - Another important thing for Dominants, especially those into impact play (striking with floggers, canes and even the hand) is practice. Hit yourself with the flogger first. Understand how it feels. Learn how the same strength strike with one toy differs from another and still differs from a bare hand. This will help you understand what you are doing with your submissive.
5. Aftercare - This is crucial when conducting any sort of scene, especially those that involve impact play. This can truly stave off “sub-drop” which you can think of as a short term but often bad depression. You are responsible for your partner before, during and AFTER a scene. It doesn’t end just because you got off. Make sure your partner is alright. Warm blankets, water, cuddling, lotion on a red rear and of course tender words will go a long way here.
6. Real Life Does Not Equal Porn - I don’t care who your submissive is, one does not simply start shoving things into orifices without build-up or knowledge. I don’t care what you saw on that porn movie, you are not going from “exit only” to a 2-inch wide butt plug in a matter of seconds, nor are you sticking that industrial sized rubber dildo into a vagina that’s never known anything above “human sized”. This can lead to serious injury and potentially life-threatening situations. So, before you go crazy with the internal use toys, step back and re-read number one above.
If you follow these, your start into a BDSM life will be far better and much less harmful to you and others. Enjoy.
Quote by MdeSade64
An excellent list.
Quote by MdeSade64
That was a very interesting read wolfprincess. I agree with the author. I've been playing for 25-30 yrs. My shortcuming is my concern for my subs. I have a problem with not being harsh enough. It is one of the reasons I don't play much any more. My wife has a variety issues and is in pain almost 24/7. But I can play hard if that's what my partner of the moment wants and needs. That is always a challenge when you don't know your partner very well. You need to know where the edge is and get a close to it as you can without falling off the cliff.
No there is no such thing as a bad sub only incompetent wannabe doms. Without good communication skills both parties are destined to fail.
Quote by Daddypleaser
This thread is a wonderfully necessary conversation. I find myself reading certain entries and think "wow- he or she really understands/sees things how I do." Two or three posts later, the same person, not even close. I think a dom must teach his sub and learn from her (or him) at the same time. Similarly, a sub must learn from her dom and teach him as well. How else do you really learn to satisfy someone at every depth?
I think it's important to remember that neither role in the relationship can be taken lightly. Both have seperate, albeit different, vulnerabilities. To label oneself as a "Dom" or "Sub" does not make that individual one-size-fits-all. It does not change the fact that we all all different, we are all human beings, we are all unique. It can not be assumed that if one is a dom and the other is a sub they MUST be compatible. That is as ridiculous as saying if I am a lesbian, I like ALL women. Pure silliness.
Perhaps it is too strong to say "bad dom" or "bad sub". There is such a wide spectrum in the lifestyle that maybe it is just more likely that the "bad" dom/sub is looking for something a bit different? I find it laughable to think that just ANY good, experienced dom would work for any sub. That seems so generic. The level of trust required in this type of relationship requires much deeper of a connection for me than that. Finding the right person should be a journey. Nobody is born knowing exactly what they want, or even what the need. But being a submissive does not mean you need just ANY Dom.
Wow! You can make me cum? Congrats, so can my middle finger...
One may be able to submit to that experienced dom physically, but emotionally is another story. And I believe that is where the beautiful magic happens.
Quote by OldDom48
MORE ON COLLARS
There are some other, generally less-significant collars used at times.
An "Everyday" collar may be a necklace, bracelet, or other item that a sub may wear every day. The everyday collar has significance to the couple, without inviting the notice of the wider vanilla community. An everyday collar may serve as a formal collar in some relationships. In others it may only be worn when the formal collar might not be as acceptable.
A "Play" collar may be worn during a scene or other BDSM event for the duration of the event. It may also feature additional D-rings, or other components to facilitate the type of scene during which it is being used. It generally does not denote more than to identify the "bottom" during the scene, and does not signify a relationship with the "Top" in the scene, or with any other Dominant in attendence.
A collar of "Protection" may be worn by an unattached sub to denote that she is under the temporary protection of one or more of the Dominants in a club or at an event. The purpose is to keep the unattached sub from being hassled by others who might not give that sub the respect she deserves during the event. It also does not signify a relationship with a Dominant beyond the protection being offered, nor does it imply some quid pro quo owed to the Dominant giving it from the sub accepting it.