Active Ink Slinger
Every sub has. BUT it was her wish. NEVER my DEMAND... If anyone thinks otherwise they are so nieve.
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A Dominate's thoughts on being a responsible Master
Quote by OldDom48
Since I use a profile picture that is surely one you will find offensive, I feel compelled to respond.
It is not a very bright Dom who says, "You have no choice", and I completely agree with you about the positive attributes of a D/s relationship. I fully understand that a submissive always has a choice about to whom she will submit, as well as what limits she willl set on what her submission will look like. And every responsible Dom must always have his sub's best interests in mind. That said, there seem to be many subs who find the images you hate so much to be very compelling. Several women have commented postively about my profile picture, while I have never received any negative comments about it (though I suppose that will soon change!). Many Doms and subs are delighted to play in ways that would result in very similar pictures if someone happened to be photographing them. So what I object to about your post is the gross generalization that all such images somehow denote that the pictured Dom is a bad one. NOTHING about these images precludes the relationship represented by them from having each and every one of the positive attributes you list in your post.
Shall we assume, based on this picture I have posted from your Tumblr blog, that you and every other sub with a spanked ass are in abusive relationships?
Hello my friend,
I do not think the writer there meant every picture, what she meant is every picture with writings accross it saying that the sub had not choice, at least it is how I perceived it.
and by the way I like your profile picture...
WP
It has been said many times and in many ways by many men who aspire to dominance that the reason for a relationship’s failure was because the submissive refused to be led. That she was not a “good enough submissive.”
I’ve spent over a decade in the lifestyle now, and at this point I’ve learned enough that the phrase upsets my equilibrium. My frustration the product of an understanding of how deleterious the words can be, and how manipulative the act of uttering them is. That frustration or even perhaps that anger which arises in my soul is driven by an innate desire to protect. I know too well the pain that words can create has the potential to be paralyzing. They’re words that invalidate her effort, that belittle her fears, that arouse her anxiety.
And unconsciously or not, is that not the intent? When we’re disappointed in our child, do we not question why ever they would do such a thing? Do we not question their actions hoping to instill in them a sense of shame?
"How could they?"
The fundamental flaw in laying the blame at those we seek to lead is that tools such as shame and embarrassment do not lead us any closer to our objectives. When we shame those we ought to be inspiring by the quality of our words and actions, we lead them down a path of self-doubt. A submissive flower does not bloom in the darkness of failure, it’s petals spread for those that gently coax and nurture it’s growth, those that guide it to life. It sheds it’s shell and opens only for those that envelope them in the warmth and light of love and forgiveness.
There was a moment some years ago, back when I was a much younger and more foolish man than even I am now, when a moment of rare clarity struck me that these words were illogical. Laughably so. You see the inherent contradiction that exists here is that there can be no such thing as a “bad submissive.”
When we think of what any person is, we come to understand that they are the product of their circumstances. Their education, their upbringing, their experiences. I am thirty one years of experience, of education. Equal measures of blessings, curses, education, successes, and failures. A unique blend of genetics and synaptic conditioning that make has arranged my synaptic bridges to interact with my neurons in ways that make me, me.
Those synaptic responses are the results of the programming of our lives. The brilliant thing about the human mind of course is that we can be rewired, our human computer reprogrammed. We can be taught to react to stimuli in different ways. We learn, we grow, we evolve, and our specific species of animal does this better than any other. Almost any part of us can be altered. We can overcome our mental and emotional limitations, we can rise, strive, and conquer; ourselves, our worlds.
So when a dominant tells a submissive that she isn’t, “a good enough submissive,” my mind quavers at the concept. How ever could such a thing as a “bad submissive” exist? Is the submissive not the product of her dominant’s teachings? Is she not the woman that his hands, those that love and those that correct, have melded? Does an artist look down at his tapestry and belittle it for having laid the brushstrokes inadequately?
Is that not what I am, an artist that paints with love instead of oil? Has she not given herself to me, laid herself bare before me for my guidance and entrusted me with her growth? And in accepting this gift of life have I not also accepted responsibility for it’s cultivation? Does the farmer blame the crop that he sows?
No, there is no such thing as a bad canvas, nor a bad seed. There are however poor artists and poor farmers; those that lay their strokes without care, or growers who fail to water their plant. So why would we deign to blame the submissive when she is merely a product of his tutelage, his guidance, his love, his discipline?
When a dominant man says that she has been a “bad submissive,” is he not, in full disclosure, saying that he is a bad dominant? Has he not accepted full responsibility for the quality of his charge, and is he not admitting to negligence or ineffectiveness? In doing so is he not forsaking his duty, his ethics, his ethos?
Surely submissives will err, such is the nature of humanity. But when I wake, to whom will I bestow the obligation of accountability? To the one I’ve aspired to lead? It is a matter of fundamental import wherein I must make a full accounting of my desires. Do I wish to be the man who demurs and deflects? Or do I aspire to be the man to whom she can entrust her bared soul?
Could there ever be such a thing as a “bad submissive?” Are there not only ineffective dominants
I love this and it was taken from the Stary night blog...
I would love the echo of those in here that see this thread
Active Ink Slinger
That was a very interesting read wolfprincess. I agree with the author. I've been playing for 25-30 yrs. My shortcuming is my concern for my subs. I have a problem with not being harsh enough. It is one of the reasons I don't play much any more. My wife has a variety issues and is in pain almost 24/7. But I can play hard if that's what my partner of the moment wants and needs. That is always a challenge when you don't know your partner very well. You need to know where the edge is and get a close to it as you can without falling off the cliff.
No there is no such thing as a bad sub only incompetent wannabe doms. Without good communication skills both parties are destined to fail.
No there is no such thing as a bad sub only incompetent wannabe doms. Without good communication skills both parties are destined to fail.
Active Ink Slinger
This thread is a wonderfully necessary conversation. I find myself reading certain entries and think "wow- he or she really understands/sees things how I do." Two or three posts later, the same person, not even close. I think a dom must teach his sub and learn from her (or him) at the same time. Similarly, a sub must learn from her dom and teach him as well. How else do you really learn to satisfy someone at every depth?
I think it's important to remember that neither role in the relationship can be taken lightly. Both have seperate, albeit different, vulnerabilities. To label oneself as a "Dom" or "Sub" does not make that individual one-size-fits-all. It does not change the fact that we all all different, we are all human beings, we are all unique. It can not be assumed that if one is a dom and the other is a sub they MUST be compatible. That is as ridiculous as saying if I am a lesbian, I like ALL women. Pure silliness.
Perhaps it is too strong to say "bad dom" or "bad sub". There is such a wide spectrum in the lifestyle that maybe it is just more likely that the "bad" dom/sub is looking for something a bit different? I find it laughable to think that just ANY good, experienced dom would work for any sub. That seems so generic. The level of trust required in this type of relationship requires much deeper of a connection for me than that. Finding the right person should be a journey. Nobody is born knowing exactly what they want, or even what the need. But being a submissive does not mean you need just ANY Dom.
Wow! You can make me cum? Congrats, so can my middle finger...
One may be able to submit to that experienced dom physically, but emotionally is another story. And I believe that is where the beautiful magic happens.
I think it's important to remember that neither role in the relationship can be taken lightly. Both have seperate, albeit different, vulnerabilities. To label oneself as a "Dom" or "Sub" does not make that individual one-size-fits-all. It does not change the fact that we all all different, we are all human beings, we are all unique. It can not be assumed that if one is a dom and the other is a sub they MUST be compatible. That is as ridiculous as saying if I am a lesbian, I like ALL women. Pure silliness.
Perhaps it is too strong to say "bad dom" or "bad sub". There is such a wide spectrum in the lifestyle that maybe it is just more likely that the "bad" dom/sub is looking for something a bit different? I find it laughable to think that just ANY good, experienced dom would work for any sub. That seems so generic. The level of trust required in this type of relationship requires much deeper of a connection for me than that. Finding the right person should be a journey. Nobody is born knowing exactly what they want, or even what the need. But being a submissive does not mean you need just ANY Dom.
Wow! You can make me cum? Congrats, so can my middle finger...
One may be able to submit to that experienced dom physically, but emotionally is another story. And I believe that is where the beautiful magic happens.
Active Ink Slinger
Daddypleaser I do agree with you to a certain extent. In my previous post I made the comment about incompetent wannabe doms. I used that reference because if a real DOM calls a sub a "bad" sub, then they don't know how to communicate with their sub. I have had subs with whom it wasn't going to work. But I knew that and I would never say that they are a bad sub. That was my point. You don't blame either the sub or the Dom(me) for it not working. You simply say sorry ad move on.
I have had the typical "one-nighter" but that is different for an on going relationship. With those there is an emotional investment. We need that to make it work.
I have had the typical "one-nighter" but that is different for an on going relationship. With those there is an emotional investment. We need that to make it work.
Advanced Wordsmith
It has been said many times and in many ways by many men who aspire to dominance that the reason for a relationship’s failure was because the submissive refused to be led. That she was not a “good enough submissive.”
I’ve spent over a decade in the lifestyle now, and at this point I’ve learned enough that the phrase upsets my equilibrium. My frustration the product of an understanding of how deleterious the words can be, and how manipulative the act of uttering them is. That frustration or even perhaps that anger which arises in my soul is driven by an innate desire to protect. I know too well the pain that words can create has the potential to be paralyzing. They’re words that invalidate her effort, that belittle her fears, that arouse her anxiety.
And unconsciously or not, is that not the intent? When we’re disappointed in our child, do we not question why ever they would do such a thing? Do we not question their actions hoping to instill in them a sense of shame?
"How could they?"
The fundamental flaw in laying the blame at those we seek to lead is that tools such as shame and embarrassment do not lead us any closer to our objectives. When we shame those we ought to be inspiring by the quality of our words and actions, we lead them down a path of self-doubt. A submissive flower does not bloom in the darkness of failure, it’s petals spread for those that gently coax and nurture it’s growth, those that guide it to life. It sheds it’s shell and opens only for those that envelope them in the warmth and light of love and forgiveness.
There was a moment some years ago, back when I was a much younger and more foolish man than even I am now, when a moment of rare clarity struck me that these words were illogical. Laughably so. You see the inherent contradiction that exists here is that there can be no such thing as a “bad submissive.”
When we think of what any person is, we come to understand that they are the product of their circumstances. Their education, their upbringing, their experiences. I am thirty one years of experience, of education. Equal measures of blessings, curses, education, successes, and failures. A unique blend of genetics and synaptic conditioning that make has arranged my synaptic bridges to interact with my neurons in ways that make me, me.
Those synaptic responses are the results of the programming of our lives. The brilliant thing about the human mind of course is that we can be rewired, our human computer reprogrammed. We can be taught to react to stimuli in different ways. We learn, we grow, we evolve, and our specific species of animal does this better than any other. Almost any part of us can be altered. We can overcome our mental and emotional limitations, we can rise, strive, and conquer; ourselves, our worlds.
So when a dominant tells a submissive that she isn’t, “a good enough submissive,” my mind quavers at the concept. How ever could such a thing as a “bad submissive” exist? Is the submissive not the product of her dominant’s teachings? Is she not the woman that his hands, those that love and those that correct, have melded? Does an artist look down at his tapestry and belittle it for having laid the brushstrokes inadequately?
Is that not what I am, an artist that paints with love instead of oil? Has she not given herself to me, laid herself bare before me for my guidance and entrusted me with her growth? And in accepting this gift of life have I not also accepted responsibility for it’s cultivation? Does the farmer blame the crop that he sows?
No, there is no such thing as a bad canvas, nor a bad seed. There are however poor artists and poor farmers; those that lay their strokes without care, or growers who fail to water their plant. So why would we deign to blame the submissive when she is merely a product of his tutelage, his guidance, his love, his discipline?
When a dominant man says that she has been a “bad submissive,” is he not, in full disclosure, saying that he is a bad dominant? Has he not accepted full responsibility for the quality of his charge, and is he not admitting to negligence or ineffectiveness? In doing so is he not forsaking his duty, his ethics, his ethos?
Surely submissives will err, such is the nature of humanity. But when I wake, to whom will I bestow the obligation of accountability? To the one I’ve aspired to lead? It is a matter of fundamental import wherein I must make a full accounting of my desires. Do I wish to be the man who demurs and deflects? Or do I aspire to be the man to whom she can entrust her bared soul?
Could there ever be such a thing as a “bad submissive?” Are there not only ineffective dominants?
Ahhh, the dreamy, soft-focus fantasy of the perfect D/s relationship, snug in the arms of an omnipotent Dom! I find this quote specious, arrogant, and blatantly self-serving.
What are the points the writer is trying to make? I see several: that it is wrong for a Dom to blame the failure of his D/s relationship on the submissive; that blaming a submissive for a relationship’s failure will harm her; that there are no bad submissives, only bad Doms; and, by implication, that a good Dom can train any submissive so their relationship is a successful one.
Let’s “cut to the chase”. The writer says that a good Dominant will take responsibility for his actions, that he will not try to blame his sub for whatever his shortcomings may have turned out to be. I don’t particularly object to the writer saying so in a lengthy and flowery commentary, but isn’t this a given? Are not all of us responsible for our own actions? Is it ever appropriate to shift the blame for our mistakes or inabilities to someone else? Is anyone confused about this point of view? Well, no, not really, but it gives the writer an opportunity to segue into his “... decade in the lifestyle...”, to vent his “... frustration or perhaps even anger ...”, to tell us how inappropriate it is for bad Doms to invoke shame in their subs. Wait! Do you mean that it is inappropriate for a Dom to talk to his sub in ways that “... invalidate her effort, that belittle her fears, that arouse her anxiety.”? Of course it is, does it need to be said? As a side point, is the bad Dom even making those comments to the submissive, or to some outsider, to explain why the relationship he was just bragging about has suddenly gone bad?
From here the writer steps off into full-blown misogyny. His language and commentary demonstrate his apparent conviction that submissives are helpless waifs. I love this gratuitous line he offers in his conclusion: “Surely submissives will err, such is the nature of humanity.” Those poor innocent dears! What does he mean, that they will forget to take out the trash, that they will put on the pink socks instead of the white ones, or that they will forget to call him Lord God Almighty? The comment implies that subs are incapable of considering the qualities and capabilities that separate good Doms from bad ones; that subs will only commit errors that just require a well-placed slap on the ass from that all-knowing Dom. Are any women his intellectual equal? Not to hear him tell it. Every relationship is different, and there are plenty of Doms who flaunt their misogynous attitudes, with plenty of submissives eager to serve them. Perhaps the writer’s comments reflect a choice on his part, of submissives who meet his description. But there are plenty of submissives who would see him wearing a fox tail butt plug before they would submit to being treated as he suggests.
And what of his other analogies? Does a good craftsman never blame his tools? Decide for yourself, but what do you think the chances are that the best craftsmen have experienced bad tools and refuse to use them? A good craftsman does not blame his tools because he takes a humble attitude that says, “I selected a bad tool for this project and could not make the thing I hoped for, not because the tool was bad, but because I had the hubris to think I could somehow make the tool do things it was incapable of,” after which, that particular tool goes in the trash bin where it belongs, and the craftsman replaces it with a better tool. And you can bet that a good farmer, if he sees a section of his crop growing worse from the rest, will soon have the seed supplier out to explain why there is a difference. Bad canvases are easy to find, where they have been stretched improperly, where the thread has twisted or kinked ...
So are there any “bad submissives”? If we ranked all of the salesmen in the world, wouldn’t the ranking end up in some kind of distribution like the infamous Bell curve, good salesmen to the right, bad salesmen to the left, great salesmen on the extreme right, and really bad salesmen on the extreme left of the curve? Are there no bad sales, only bad salesmen who couldn't close the deal? Would similar curves apply to teacher rankings, to manager rankings, to production workers and farmers and artists? Here is a list of some character traits: pettiness, jealousy, arrogance, selfishness, indifference, manipulation, dishonesty, add some of your own. If any of these were blatantly obvious in a Dom, would he be likely to be considered a “bad” Dom? Now apply each characteristic to a theoretical submissive and see if perhaps she should get the “bad” label as well. Could a good Dom somehow correct these character flaws in a submissive? Maybe, but I suspect that many good Doms would just say, thanks, but no thanks.
The writer’s assertion that there are only good submissives is absurd. Bad Doms are bad because of all sorts of human character flaws. But everyone faces the same character flaws; the differences between good or bad are determined by our personal values and our respective abilities to live up to them. This applies to submissives, too, and the character flaws that someone might point to in a bad Dom may just as easily be found in an equally bad submissive. Can a good Dom always train away these bad character traits from a sub? Another absurdity. Do all submissives come to a D/s relationship as nothing more than a lump of moldable clay? Gratefully, no, they do not!
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by MdeSade64
Daddypleaser I do agree with you to a certain extent. In my previous post I made the comment about incompetent wannabe doms. I used that reference because if a real DOM calls a sub a "bad" sub, then they don't know how to communicate with their sub. I have had subs with whom it wasn't going to work. But I knew that and I would never say that they are a bad sub. That was my point. You don't blame either the sub or the Dom(me) for it not working. You simply say sorry ad move on.
I have had the typical "one-nighter" but that is different for an on going relationship. With those there is an emotional investment. We need that to make it work.
Yes it takes so much to make a bdsm relationship work, just like it would any other relationship. I think I understand your reference better now, and agree. Are you basically saying that a committed Dom will evaluate him/herself first when/if something doesn't work? Look to see what cues may have been missed or what needs may have been unfulfilled? Use the experience to grow as a Master rather than just throwing his hands up and saying "bad sub!"? I wholeheartedly agree, but would chance saying a sincere sub ought do the same.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by Daddypleaser
Yes it takes so much to make a bdsm relationship work, just like it would any other relationship. I think I understand your reference better now, and agree. Are you basically saying that a committed Dom will evaluate him/herself first when/if something doesn't work? Look to see what cues may have been missed or what needs may have been unfulfilled? Use the experience to grow as a Master rather than just throwing his hands up and saying "bad sub!"? I wholeheartedly agree, but would chance saying a sincere sub ought do the same.
What you assumed from my comments is dead right except that it takes both party's participation to make it work. Neither can do it alone.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by Entire_essence
I knew, but was quite scared of it, to fully understand, let go and trust. Totally different contrast to my real working life when I am a very dominant business woman. I have, like others, tried to learn with others, but it truely isn't full filling unless you meet your match.
Limits yes but they are very personal between me and my Daddy Dom, which have fallen by the sides as our love and trust overtakes any apprehensive. There is a difference between someone opening you up and allowing personal growth, rather than cruelty and using one for self humour or ego trip.
Wow, yes.
Some Helpful Tips for Those New to BDSM
1. Take it SLOW - I know you are excited. You want to just jump right in and do what you saw at the movies, on television or read in a book. If you take it slow, you greatly reduce the chance of anyone getting injured or mentally scarred by what happens.
2. CONSENT - This is HUGE. I cannot stress enough the importance of have the consent of all that are involved. This means Dominants and submissives BOTH. Consent is the cornerstone of all BDSM activities and without that, it is abuse.
3. COMMUNICATION - Second only to consent, communicating your needs, desires, limits and expectations is crucial. If you cannot communicate to your Dominant what you want or cannot communicate to your submissive what you are comfortable with, you need to stop and reconsider.
4. Practice, practice, practice - Another important thing for Dominants, especially those into impact play (striking with floggers, canes and even the hand) is practice. Hit yourself with the flogger first. Understand how it feels. Learn how the same strength strike with one toy differs from another and still differs from a bare hand. This will help you understand what you are doing with your submissive.
5. Aftercare - This is crucial when conducting any sort of scene, especially those that involve impact play. This can truly stave off “sub-drop” which you can think of as a short term but often bad depression. You are responsible for your partner before, during and AFTER a scene. It doesn’t end just because you got off. Make sure your partner is alright. Warm blankets, water, cuddling, lotion on a red rear and of course tender words will go a long way here.
6. Real Life Does Not Equal Porn - I don’t care who your submissive is, one does not simply start shoving things into orifices without build-up or knowledge. I don’t care what you saw on that porn movie, you are not going from “exit only” to a 2-inch wide butt plug in a matter of seconds, nor are you sticking that industrial sized rubber dildo into a vagina that’s never known anything above “human sized”. This can lead to serious injury and potentially life-threatening situations. So, before you go crazy with the internal use toys, step back and re-read number one above.
If you follow these, your start into a BDSM life will be far better and much less harmful to you and others. Enjoy.
Active Ink Slinger
An excellent list.
Quote by MdeSade64
That was a very interesting read wolfprincess. I agree with the author. I've been playing for 25-30 yrs. My shortcuming is my concern for my subs. I have a problem with not being harsh enough. It is one of the reasons I don't play much any more. My wife has a variety issues and is in pain almost 24/7. But I can play hard if that's what my partner of the moment wants and needs. That is always a challenge when you don't know your partner very well. You need to know where the edge is and get a close to it as you can without falling off the cliff.
No there is no such thing as a bad sub only incompetent wannabe doms. Without good communication skills both parties are destined to fail.
I fully agree, though with out communication on both parts... it is a little hard to have the balance so much wanted in this power-exchange... I feel kind of good talking about all this, and hoping others read, specially with the movie on 50shades out... to let others know that it is not about just the sex... it is so much more and it is beautiful...
Quote by Daddypleaser
This thread is a wonderfully necessary conversation. I find myself reading certain entries and think "wow- he or she really understands/sees things how I do." Two or three posts later, the same person, not even close. I think a dom must teach his sub and learn from her (or him) at the same time. Similarly, a sub must learn from her dom and teach him as well. How else do you really learn to satisfy someone at every depth?
I think it's important to remember that neither role in the relationship can be taken lightly. Both have seperate, albeit different, vulnerabilities. To label oneself as a "Dom" or "Sub" does not make that individual one-size-fits-all. It does not change the fact that we all all different, we are all human beings, we are all unique. It can not be assumed that if one is a dom and the other is a sub they MUST be compatible. That is as ridiculous as saying if I am a lesbian, I like ALL women. Pure silliness.
Perhaps it is too strong to say "bad dom" or "bad sub". There is such a wide spectrum in the lifestyle that maybe it is just more likely that the "bad" dom/sub is looking for something a bit different? I find it laughable to think that just ANY good, experienced dom would work for any sub. That seems so generic. The level of trust required in this type of relationship requires much deeper of a connection for me than that. Finding the right person should be a journey. Nobody is born knowing exactly what they want, or even what the need. But being a submissive does not mean you need just ANY Dom.
Wow! You can make me cum? Congrats, so can my middle finger...
One may be able to submit to that experienced dom physically, but emotionally is another story. And I believe that is where the beautiful magic happens.
I am pleased that others are reading this thread... as it is a little bit of my mission here to try and convey to others about the life style...
and just like you I agree... to find a special Dom that matches my specific need... is a journey all on it own...
I love the different levels and "colors" the lifestyle has to offer...
One person told me never to see it as a craft... however... it is a craft to be able to practice what we love... to understand, to polish the relationship...
to understand the needs of one another is a dance.
to serve and to give my self to that one person is the one gift I have... the one need I have...
Active Ink Slinger
My thoughts on this subject are that it is a relationship of trust first and foremost. It is more than just sexual it is a way of life and contrary to popular belief it is an inner strength that allows her to become his submissive not weakness. She lives and works in a Alpha Male dominated workplace so when she comes home she wants to give up all that control and be pleasing to her Master. It can manifest itself into her wardrobe, diet. She slowly evolves into a person that lives and breathes for him but, that is what she has needed all along and her eyes are opening to the desire she has repressed all her life. She is now ready to embrace her true nature and live as his submissive.
Online Red Flags (Danger Signals, it’s time to hit ignore! )
onedom:
A “Red Flag” is any indication that you should steer clear of a particular person, either Dom/me or sub. These can pop up at any time, though most often in the beginning of a potential relationship. They can be obvious or they can be subtle.
Some common examples might be…
1. Inappropriate questions or comments during the initial conversations, such as do you want to play? or what are you wearing? or what do you look like? or asking for your phone number immediately, etc. Such questions have nothing at all to do with D/s, but rather indicate the person is looking for cyber or phone sex.
2. Moving too quickly: if the prospective Dom/me or sub seems to be in a hurry to begin a relationship, or to advance it faster than seems reasonable or comfortable for you. Like if they want to meet you within the first 10 minutes online. Trust is the cornerstone and cannot be rushed. Clearly, there is no arbitrary time frame, but most long-lasting relationships take several weeks if not months to build before actual contact.
3. Inappropriate attitude: “bow down and worship me” those who act as if every submissive must obey every so-called Dom, and begin giving or obeying orders from the word go. Or those who have the idea that each and every Tom, Dick, and Harry must be addressed as Sir, whether they know them or not. Many subs in the chat rooms do this, but respect is worth little if it is so lightly given. Both of these attitudes and practices show a poor understanding of the true dynamics of Dominance and submission.
4. Safety violations: reluctance to have a safeword or other safety precautions in place, either during the first meeting or later. Run.
5. Lack of communication: if your potential partner is reluctant to discuss something with you, pay attention. Likewise, and equally serious, if you are told directly or indirectly, that you may not discuss something with others, or may not talk to someone else, or may not go to a particular area, be careful. Trying to “gag” someone is a sign that something is wrong.
6. A persistent bad reputation: or unwillingness to give references. This can be tricky if the person you are talking to is new online, but it is still a red flag. Or perhaps a yellow one.
7. Trashing ex-partners. When someone is constantly talking about their ex publicly in the chat rooms and on bb’s, i.e., trying to ruin their rep, try to keep in mind that you might be their “ex” someday and be subjected to such treatment if things do not go the way they want. This is something that both Dom/mes and subs are frequently guilty of. Warning others of potential danger from an ex-partner is obviously a different case.
8. Frequent inconsistencies. If someone often makes contradictory statements from one day to the next, like Mon. tells you s/he has no children, then on Fri., mentions his/her son’s birthday or something. If a person often seems to have a lot of trouble remembering what they have said to you from one day to the next, it could be that they are telling a lot of people a lot of different things. Just in general, I would encourage anyone to really try to get to know someone before making a final judgment on their character. However, caution and common sense should always rule. If you have doubts, do not give out personal information. You can still talk to this person, but be careful and please, trust that GUT INSTINCT.
Author Unknown
onedom:
A “Red Flag” is any indication that you should steer clear of a particular person, either Dom/me or sub. These can pop up at any time, though most often in the beginning of a potential relationship. They can be obvious or they can be subtle.
Some common examples might be…
1. Inappropriate questions or comments during the initial conversations, such as do you want to play? or what are you wearing? or what do you look like? or asking for your phone number immediately, etc. Such questions have nothing at all to do with D/s, but rather indicate the person is looking for cyber or phone sex.
2. Moving too quickly: if the prospective Dom/me or sub seems to be in a hurry to begin a relationship, or to advance it faster than seems reasonable or comfortable for you. Like if they want to meet you within the first 10 minutes online. Trust is the cornerstone and cannot be rushed. Clearly, there is no arbitrary time frame, but most long-lasting relationships take several weeks if not months to build before actual contact.
3. Inappropriate attitude: “bow down and worship me” those who act as if every submissive must obey every so-called Dom, and begin giving or obeying orders from the word go. Or those who have the idea that each and every Tom, Dick, and Harry must be addressed as Sir, whether they know them or not. Many subs in the chat rooms do this, but respect is worth little if it is so lightly given. Both of these attitudes and practices show a poor understanding of the true dynamics of Dominance and submission.
4. Safety violations: reluctance to have a safeword or other safety precautions in place, either during the first meeting or later. Run.
5. Lack of communication: if your potential partner is reluctant to discuss something with you, pay attention. Likewise, and equally serious, if you are told directly or indirectly, that you may not discuss something with others, or may not talk to someone else, or may not go to a particular area, be careful. Trying to “gag” someone is a sign that something is wrong.
6. A persistent bad reputation: or unwillingness to give references. This can be tricky if the person you are talking to is new online, but it is still a red flag. Or perhaps a yellow one.
7. Trashing ex-partners. When someone is constantly talking about their ex publicly in the chat rooms and on bb’s, i.e., trying to ruin their rep, try to keep in mind that you might be their “ex” someday and be subjected to such treatment if things do not go the way they want. This is something that both Dom/mes and subs are frequently guilty of. Warning others of potential danger from an ex-partner is obviously a different case.
8. Frequent inconsistencies. If someone often makes contradictory statements from one day to the next, like Mon. tells you s/he has no children, then on Fri., mentions his/her son’s birthday or something. If a person often seems to have a lot of trouble remembering what they have said to you from one day to the next, it could be that they are telling a lot of people a lot of different things. Just in general, I would encourage anyone to really try to get to know someone before making a final judgment on their character. However, caution and common sense should always rule. If you have doubts, do not give out personal information. You can still talk to this person, but be careful and please, trust that GUT INSTINCT.
Author Unknown
Active Ink Slinger
This is a wonderful thread and there is a lot of very good information here. If I might be allowed to add my two cents...
BDSM is not for everyone just as any other journey does not fit everyone. If you are interested in it from either side, I suggest you do a LOT of reading. Scour every source you can find and feast on the information. Now true, a lot of it will be conflicting and some will stand out as complete hogwash, but you take what you agree with and toss the rest. Find yourself a like-minded partner and discuss your views and ideas. Make sure that you are both headed down the same road at the same pace and headed for the same place. Once you have that, then go for it. If it works out, then great - but don't stay in something that isn't working for you. Be prepared and willing to adapt or even walk away. There's no sense in trying to fix something that is terminally broken.
BDSM is a relationship based on mutual interests. If those interests remain mutual, then it can be a very rewarding thing. But sometimes like with any type of relationship, values and circumstances change.
BDSM is not for everyone just as any other journey does not fit everyone. If you are interested in it from either side, I suggest you do a LOT of reading. Scour every source you can find and feast on the information. Now true, a lot of it will be conflicting and some will stand out as complete hogwash, but you take what you agree with and toss the rest. Find yourself a like-minded partner and discuss your views and ideas. Make sure that you are both headed down the same road at the same pace and headed for the same place. Once you have that, then go for it. If it works out, then great - but don't stay in something that isn't working for you. Be prepared and willing to adapt or even walk away. There's no sense in trying to fix something that is terminally broken.
BDSM is a relationship based on mutual interests. If those interests remain mutual, then it can be a very rewarding thing. But sometimes like with any type of relationship, values and circumstances change.
Active Ink Slinger
From what I’ve read on different forums before and seeing certain things being put into an action it’s easy to see there is a wide amount of thoughts and opinions on what exactly makes a person be a responsible Master. Myself, I always say it consists of three things, trust, communication and loyalty. Basically three things that usually make up any relationship because in my view BDSM is that but taken to a different level than what society usually judges as acceptable though this view point is slowly being changed over time. Like all things if you don’t have communication things will fall apart and they can fall hard, people will get hurt unless both know what they are getting into, what each wants and how far it can and will go. A safe word is usually a very good idea because in this, no might not always mean no, a safe word will ensure the person stays safe in case no does mean no. If used, you stop, no exceptions. Check on her to make sure she's alright. Second in case the persons mouth will be filled and the person unable to speak a gesture can be appointed to make sure if something needs to be stopped she can do signal the person to stop immediately. That’s one thing many people over look and it’s easy enough to do for many. And no, the finger is not a good one to use.
If you got communication going and people are on the same wave length there should be a suitable amount of trust built between the two people. With that you know no matter how far things may go both people will get pleasure and stimulation from what is going to be done, that no matter what marks is placed upon her it thrills her as much as it does you. Not because you loses control and hurts her in a manner she does not want to experience. One should take care to not betray the trust put in a person, especially in this life style, people reveal the most intimate secrets of themselves and often surrender themselves to a person they feel they can believe in. Don’t abuse that and don’t take advantage of that where you will do harm to her physically or mentally. She wants to believe in you and be taken by you, used by you and so much more. Show that there is trust and the pleasure can be increased greatly because both will get that much more into it and desire it.
Loyalty, if your connecting with a person and enjoying it greatly know where the limits lie, there are always those who want more than one be it the Dom or the sub. If agreed it’s an open thing make sure there is no hurt feelings that will arise, it’s so easy to say it doesn’t bother you but for a lot of people they will get jealous so be honest. If both want a third or more depending on your situation know what works for all, you don't want infighting because one person hates another. Only assholes pit two people against each other to maintain control of both. Some like to share, some don’t, know where you both stand on this. Give the person the attention they need, don’t simply cut and run or drop all communication out of no where. That can hurt them greatly, seen it so many times to so many people, it’s a shame they got to go through that. Be there for them, no matter what role you are people are going to have good days and bad days, react and respond accordingly. Especially if you are the important person in their life. Be there for them, take care of them, make them feel no matter how bad it is tomorrow is another day and things can be better. If you’re the Master it your responsibility to take care of what is yours, physically and mentally. Treat them accordingly.
Like everything every situation is different and so are people, as time goes on you will learn and be able to react. Know how they think and you will own them and they shall belong to you.
If you got communication going and people are on the same wave length there should be a suitable amount of trust built between the two people. With that you know no matter how far things may go both people will get pleasure and stimulation from what is going to be done, that no matter what marks is placed upon her it thrills her as much as it does you. Not because you loses control and hurts her in a manner she does not want to experience. One should take care to not betray the trust put in a person, especially in this life style, people reveal the most intimate secrets of themselves and often surrender themselves to a person they feel they can believe in. Don’t abuse that and don’t take advantage of that where you will do harm to her physically or mentally. She wants to believe in you and be taken by you, used by you and so much more. Show that there is trust and the pleasure can be increased greatly because both will get that much more into it and desire it.
Loyalty, if your connecting with a person and enjoying it greatly know where the limits lie, there are always those who want more than one be it the Dom or the sub. If agreed it’s an open thing make sure there is no hurt feelings that will arise, it’s so easy to say it doesn’t bother you but for a lot of people they will get jealous so be honest. If both want a third or more depending on your situation know what works for all, you don't want infighting because one person hates another. Only assholes pit two people against each other to maintain control of both. Some like to share, some don’t, know where you both stand on this. Give the person the attention they need, don’t simply cut and run or drop all communication out of no where. That can hurt them greatly, seen it so many times to so many people, it’s a shame they got to go through that. Be there for them, no matter what role you are people are going to have good days and bad days, react and respond accordingly. Especially if you are the important person in their life. Be there for them, take care of them, make them feel no matter how bad it is tomorrow is another day and things can be better. If you’re the Master it your responsibility to take care of what is yours, physically and mentally. Treat them accordingly.
Like everything every situation is different and so are people, as time goes on you will learn and be able to react. Know how they think and you will own them and they shall belong to you.
Quote by OldDom48
MORE ON COLLARS
There are some other, generally less-significant collars used at times.
An "Everyday" collar may be a necklace, bracelet, or other item that a sub may wear every day. The everyday collar has significance to the couple, without inviting the notice of the wider vanilla community. An everyday collar may serve as a formal collar in some relationships. In others it may only be worn when the formal collar might not be as acceptable.
A "Play" collar may be worn during a scene or other BDSM event for the duration of the event. It may also feature additional D-rings, or other components to facilitate the type of scene during which it is being used. It generally does not denote more than to identify the "bottom" during the scene, and does not signify a relationship with the "Top" in the scene, or with any other Dominant in attendence.
A collar of "Protection" may be worn by an unattached sub to denote that she is under the temporary protection of one or more of the Dominants in a club or at an event. The purpose is to keep the unattached sub from being hassled by others who might not give that sub the respect she deserves during the event. It also does not signify a relationship with a Dominant beyond the protection being offered, nor does it imply some quid pro quo owed to the Dominant giving it from the sub accepting it.