Let's say you've been dating a 28 year old girl for about a month. You have great chemistry, a lot of fun together, and you think you are starting to fall for her. One night, you have a discussion about each other's sexual history, and discover that she has had sex with over 300 men in her life; often times with more than one guy in a single night. However, she has only been with 4 men in the last two years and is now looking for a serious relationship. She is STD-free.
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Number of Sex Partners a Dealbreaker?
How would this revelation change how you feel?
Active Ink Slinger
For me wouldn't matter. I live today, not in the past. If the spark is there, it's there.
A little kindness can be so valuable, yet costs almost nothing
In many countries being gay is a crime, and even in modern societies, politicians try to legalise discrimination. Your voice can make a difference. Have a look at All Out to find out how.
Hey... pssst.... that's an l (as in luscious) at the end of my name, not an i
In many countries being gay is a crime, and even in modern societies, politicians try to legalise discrimination. Your voice can make a difference. Have a look at All Out to find out how.
Hey... pssst.... that's an l (as in luscious) at the end of my name, not an i
Lady GlitterGiggles
I know you are asking the guys but....well 300 is a lot, how do you keep track? Notebook? Anyway, the past is the past. You can't change it, nor can he. Somethings shouldn't be discussed. Some people can't handle the truth. If he finds out years after being married, well that'd be a good thing. Sexy
I'm not a guy either but ..well i paused too and agree with adi..how did u keep track?
I don't know how I would feel if my partner said that by 28 he had slept with that number
I don't think you should lie...but..not sure if its hey guess my number time
Take your cues from him
What does he divulge about his past...
Sometimes when it comes to the number..why do any of us need to know
Me personally. .I have led a very selective sexual life
So what's worse 28 with 300 or 49 with less than the number on a hand
If you care about him wait for him to ask...perhaps
Great question as most people now have many lovers...
Praying it all goes well..hugs
I don't know how I would feel if my partner said that by 28 he had slept with that number
I don't think you should lie...but..not sure if its hey guess my number time
Take your cues from him
What does he divulge about his past...
Sometimes when it comes to the number..why do any of us need to know
Me personally. .I have led a very selective sexual life
So what's worse 28 with 300 or 49 with less than the number on a hand
If you care about him wait for him to ask...perhaps
Great question as most people now have many lovers...
Praying it all goes well..hugs
Quote by adi_me33
I know you are asking the guys but....well 300 is a lot, how do you keep track? Notebook?
I kept an Excel spreadsheet that I used to log all of my sexual encounters. The columns were date, name, height, weight, ethnicity, penis size, aggressiveness (1-10), predominant sexual position, and number of orgasms for me. I regularly performed regression analysis on the data to determine what qualities are most likely to get me off. Problems arose when I started fucking more than one guy in the same night. I had to dump the spreadsheet and move to a relational database.
jk
I had a notebook for a while, and then I quit counting. The 300 figure is a guesstimate; extrapolating the numbers from when I was keeping track to the years after I stopped keeping track.
About a week ago he asked my number, and I told him I wasn't sure. Then he started asking, "well is it more or less than X...etc". So then I started counting on my fingers and told him I could think of the names of 31, but that I'm sure I'm leaving some off. A technically true statement, but misleading.
So now he thinks it is somewhere between 30-40, and I could tell he was a little alarmed by this. Then he looked a little relieved when I told him I'd only had sex with 4 guys in the last couple of years and had been in monogamous relationships with all of them. He has pretty traditional attitudes about sex even though he's not religious at all. He thinks sexual intimacy should go hand in hand with emotional intimacy, and that sex should be reserved for people that we care about and respect. He thinks it cheapens the act to sleep with someone just to scratch an itch. But he also says he isn't concerned with my past, and that he hasn't always lived up to that ideal either (His number is 14, and 3 of those were one night stands). But he thinks it is something people should aspire to even if they slip up from time to time.
I told him I agree, and I feel like a complete fraud. I think if he knew the truth about me he would run the other way. I do actually agree with him, I just feel like a hypocrite saying so. I wish I had been taught a more balanced and reasonable approach to sexual morality. I was just told not to have sex until I'm married because it says so in the Bible. Once I decided I didn't believe in God (at least not he God of the Bible), I couldn't think of any reason to exercise self-control when it came to sex.
Lady GlitterGiggles
Not quoting everything. Too long. Lol on the Excel spreadsheet though. Yea, don't keep track and don't worry. Give none of it a second thought. If you fret over the past and stress about tomorrow, well, your NOW is fucked. Let it go. Move forward. Burn that fucking notebook. Yuck. Lol. Every little thing, is gonna be alright. You'll see.
Cryptic Vigilante
It wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me in and of itself, but admittedly it would still raise quite a few questions: Why so many partners? Why not have a few steady fuckbuddies instead? Why so very little commitment, is she afraid of it? What are her experiences with long-term relationships? How does this girl perceive her sexuality? Was this a sensible decision, or is she constantly craving validation from men?
In fact, the situation would be much similar if a certain girl told me that she has never drank an alcoholic beverage, or that she has never voted: it's not completely off-putting in and of itself, but I'd still question her reasons.
I have a very open mind and I don't mind casual sex at all, but 300 sexual partners at 28-year-old is quite a high number. Even for someone who's extremely promiscuous, it's almost as if you'd purposely try to get your 'number' as high as possible... and even then, intentionally reaching that number could be a challenge for a lot of people. I'm moderately promiscuous myself and I've been 'free' for a great part of my sexual life (only 3 proper girlfriends which lasted 1-2 years), and my number for the past 15 years is still likely below 50. And I wouldn't exactly say that I've been lacking sex, most of my fuckbuddies/friends-with-benefits situations simply lasted quite a few months (I personally prefer it that way).
Of course, the way I've personally dealt with sexual partners shouldn't be perceived as the norm, but 300 partners would still raise a few questions for me. Was it just good fun, or is this hiding something? I could be reassured fairly rapidly, but I'd still have a certain level of initial suspicion.
In fact, the situation would be much similar if a certain girl told me that she has never drank an alcoholic beverage, or that she has never voted: it's not completely off-putting in and of itself, but I'd still question her reasons.
I have a very open mind and I don't mind casual sex at all, but 300 sexual partners at 28-year-old is quite a high number. Even for someone who's extremely promiscuous, it's almost as if you'd purposely try to get your 'number' as high as possible... and even then, intentionally reaching that number could be a challenge for a lot of people. I'm moderately promiscuous myself and I've been 'free' for a great part of my sexual life (only 3 proper girlfriends which lasted 1-2 years), and my number for the past 15 years is still likely below 50. And I wouldn't exactly say that I've been lacking sex, most of my fuckbuddies/friends-with-benefits situations simply lasted quite a few months (I personally prefer it that way).
Of course, the way I've personally dealt with sexual partners shouldn't be perceived as the norm, but 300 partners would still raise a few questions for me. Was it just good fun, or is this hiding something? I could be reassured fairly rapidly, but I'd still have a certain level of initial suspicion.
I'm bipolar, and during episodes of hypomania, I would go on sex binges. If I had a boyfriend, I would cheat on him. Getting sex would just make me want more sex, and I wouldn't stop until physical exhaustion. I did try to get my "number" up. I wasn't thinking of the overall number so much as "I wonder how many different guys I can fuck today?" Or, who could I fuck today that it would be really inappropriate or dangerous or challenging to fuck? I would revel in my own wantonness. Then I'd go through a depression and cry in shame about all the horrible things I had done. My boyfriend knows about my mental illness, but not about the hypersexuality that went along with it. I've been consistently taking my medication the last 2 years and haven't had any episodes. The medication basically kills my sex drive, but I do enjoy the intimacy of sex more than I ever did before.
Active Ink Slinger
From my perspective I wouldn't be as worried about a high number as I tend to like experienced partners. My concern for a woman of 28 would be a low number, say 1-10. I'm not saying that a woman with a high number of partners always makes for a great lover nor that those with a low number of partners can't be awesome in bed but I've found the first group to be a better fit for me than the latter. That said I've always preferred naughty women.
Active Ink Slinger
Depends if you need to fumigate them first
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable."
C'è un fascino per il proibito che lo rende indicibilmente desiderabile.
— Mark Twain
C'è un fascino per il proibito che lo rende indicibilmente desiderabile.
— Mark Twain
Active Ink Slinger
Well can be a deal breaker with that number...Im not sure id even cyber with that info. My problem would be when the guys were joking if I had any pics of my girlfriend naked, I said no and every guy at the wedding pulled a different one out...lmao
Alpha Blonde
I'm not a guy, but I have to give my two-cents here because I asked a vaguely similar question when I first came to Lush, and 98% of guys were like "oh yeah, nothing would bother me - I'm very sexually open". Keep in mind that the demographic on Lush is a bit skewed when it comes to sex-positive sexuality. There are fewer here that will wag their fingers at such things or start getting moral about it. That's not necessarily what you'd experience with a wider sampling of guys from different walks of life.
My advice would be to take cues from the guy you're with. Does he like to hear about your exes or crazy sexual experiences from your past? (not numbers, but specific experiences like a threesome or crazy vacation sex or something really dirty that you tried once or twice). If he likes hearing details like that, and sharing them himself, then he probably isn't going to have an issue with your past. If he doesn't like to talk about such things, I would be far more conservative as to how many details you give him. You don't want him to be one of those guys that considers it a dealbreaker OR a guy that will bring it up and use it against you when you get into fights later in the relationship or when you're going through a rough patch. Some things aren't worth the risk.
I know it's disappointing to not be able to share everything. I've been through two boyfriends like that myself that had no interest in hearing anything detailed related to sex before them. Some people are just like that (both guys and girls). Don't think of it as being deceptive, because you're not. That was your life before him, and certainly before you slowed things down over the past couple of years. Some things are ok to keep private. In this case, knowing your past may make him fear what would happen if you go off the medication at some point or if he's been cheated on and hurt in the past - this may be a trigger for him to make him feel insecure or mistrustful. It's hard to predict exactly how he'd react but you know him best - if you're feeling hesitations or seeing red flags, I would stay quiet. I've never thought actual numbers are 'must confess' material anyway.
My advice would be to take cues from the guy you're with. Does he like to hear about your exes or crazy sexual experiences from your past? (not numbers, but specific experiences like a threesome or crazy vacation sex or something really dirty that you tried once or twice). If he likes hearing details like that, and sharing them himself, then he probably isn't going to have an issue with your past. If he doesn't like to talk about such things, I would be far more conservative as to how many details you give him. You don't want him to be one of those guys that considers it a dealbreaker OR a guy that will bring it up and use it against you when you get into fights later in the relationship or when you're going through a rough patch. Some things aren't worth the risk.
I know it's disappointing to not be able to share everything. I've been through two boyfriends like that myself that had no interest in hearing anything detailed related to sex before them. Some people are just like that (both guys and girls). Don't think of it as being deceptive, because you're not. That was your life before him, and certainly before you slowed things down over the past couple of years. Some things are ok to keep private. In this case, knowing your past may make him fear what would happen if you go off the medication at some point or if he's been cheated on and hurt in the past - this may be a trigger for him to make him feel insecure or mistrustful. It's hard to predict exactly how he'd react but you know him best - if you're feeling hesitations or seeing red flags, I would stay quiet. I've never thought actual numbers are 'must confess' material anyway.
Chuckanator
Quote by knottygirl
Let's say you've been dating a 28 year old girl for about a month. You have great chemistry, a lot of fun together, and you think you are starting to fall for her. One night, you have a discussion about each other's sexual history, and discover that she has had sex with over 300 men in her life; often times with more than one guy in a single night. However, she has only been with 4 men in the last two years and is now looking for a serious relationship. She is STD-free.
First of all I would say that was a very busy first twenty four years. Let's say she gave up her V card at 16. 300 guys in 8 years sounds like she is the Wilt Chamberlain of women. I kind of think she needs counseling more than my dick.
I've just published chapter seven of Undercovers Detective. I would love your feedback on this story. I'm planning on ten chapters at least. If you haven't read one yet, I've included links. I hope you like them.
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/straight-sex/undercovers-detective-chapter-7.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/seduction/undercovers-detective-chapter-6.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/love-stories/undercovers-detective-chapter-5.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/first-time/underdovers-detective-chapter-4.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/seduction/undercovers-detective-chapter-3.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/love-stories/undercovers-detective-chapter-two.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/love-stories/undercovers-detective.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/straight-sex/undercovers-detective-chapter-7.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/seduction/undercovers-detective-chapter-6.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/love-stories/undercovers-detective-chapter-5.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/first-time/underdovers-detective-chapter-4.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/seduction/undercovers-detective-chapter-3.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/love-stories/undercovers-detective-chapter-two.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/love-stories/undercovers-detective.aspx
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by ChuckEPoo
First of all I would say that was a very busy first twenty four years. Let's say she gave up her V card at 16. 300 guys in 8 years sounds like she is the Wilt Chamberlain of women. I kind of think she needs counseling more than my dick.
I agree Chuck. If a man had the same record, I would say the same thing.
Wild at Heart
It depends. Like if we lived in some small town and she fucked 300 of the yokels then that would be some 6 degrees of cock type shit and I wouldn't like knowing every dude knows at least someone that's banged her if they haven't themselves. I really don't like running into my girlfriend's exes, one night stands or fuck buddies and I especially don't like it when one of those is a friend of mine.
If I was new to some big city and she came at me with a 300 count I would be like "what the fuck, you're such a hooker..." But I wouldn't care all that much. It's still pretty damn high though. It would be a major compliment that after all that, it's my dick she stuck with. It would be a hard thing not to mention during a fight though, like one of those stupid jealousy fights or something. "Oh yeah, I was a little too nice to the waitress? WELL YOU FUCKED 300 GUYS."
If I was new to some big city and she came at me with a 300 count I would be like "what the fuck, you're such a hooker..." But I wouldn't care all that much. It's still pretty damn high though. It would be a major compliment that after all that, it's my dick she stuck with. It would be a hard thing not to mention during a fight though, like one of those stupid jealousy fights or something. "Oh yeah, I was a little too nice to the waitress? WELL YOU FUCKED 300 GUYS."
Cryptic Vigilante
Quote by Dancing_Doll
I know it's disappointing to not be able to share everything. I've been through two boyfriends like that myself that had no interest in hearing anything detailed related to sex before them. Some people are just like that (both guys and girls). Don't think of it as being deceptive, because you're not. That was your life before him, and certainly before you slowed things down over the past couple of years. Some things are ok to keep private. In this case, knowing your past may make him fear what would happen if you go off the medication at some point or if he's been cheated on and hurt in the past - this may be a trigger for him to make him feel insecure or mistrustful. It's hard to predict exactly how he'd react but you know him best - if you're feeling hesitations or seeing red flags, I would stay quiet. I've never thought actual numbers are 'must confess' material anyway.
I actually agree with a lot of what Dancing_Doll expressed, especially in her last paragraph. I realized that I mostly stated my personal perspective in my previous post and didn't help you out all that much; I wanted to provide more help with a further post but didn't have much time when I checked back on that thread and eventually forgot about it. By the way, I didn't respond in your poll; none of the options accurately represents my perspective.
I agree that some things are fine to keep private, not just in this particular situation but with relationships in general. If my girlfriend was to ask me straightforwardly if she's the hottest girl that I've ever slept with, she might not quite enjoy my answer (even though she's still high above my regular standards). Conversely, I'm well-aware that my girlfriend might have a few dark secrets that she hasn't revealed to me yet. This isn't being 'deceptive' as much as it is being respectful toward your partner, keeping the relationship sane, and letting things evolve progressively. And as Dancing_Doll expressed, your personal 'number' isn't something that you obligatory have to confess either; in many cases, it can only prove to be a misleading information anyway. I never ask for it myself and only answer vaguely when asked the question from girls.
Let's face it, when we start dating a new partner, we like to present our best side and provoke 'dreamlike' feelings in each others: we don't exactly expect our partner to reveal every of his/her darker secrets on the first date. Then when the connection/relationship evolves, it can be truly ecstatic to reveal a bit more about ourselves and realize that our partner still loves us just as much despite some of our flaws; but that requires a certain level of trust and affection. Engaging in a committed relationship isn't some kind of settlement where you suddenly must reveal everything about yourself: the level of trust/affection can still evolve progressively over time. And even after many years together, it's not impossible that some things might be better left private.
I don't want to alarm you, but for your boyfriend to forthrightly ask for your precise 'number' after expressing his rather conservative perspective on sex is a bit asking a question which he might not quite enjoy the answer to. Maybe you're being 'deceptive' about your past, but since he's expecting a very direct answer to a very forward question, he could be perceived as the one that's pushing you to be deceptive in the first place. And frankly, that's a bit forcing the level of trust/affection that presently exists between the two of you. There's a huge difference in terms of impact between revealing early on that you've slept with 300 guys and then having to justify yourself with plenty of compromising details (which might only worsen your situation), and making the relationship evolve from letting him know that you're bipolar, to admitting that you haven't always been all that stable in your youth, to discussing about your past promiscuity in general terms, to finally revealing your exact number.
I'm sure there are plenty of guys who would be tolerant of your past, but since your current boyfriend asked this question so directly (as if it was of crucial importance to him), you might question if he's such a guy. And although it might be alright to keep some things private, it's also a great feeling to be able to reveal a few sensitive details about yourself while still retaining the love/affection of your partner. That specific guy might possibly continue to love you if you keep a lot of things to yourself and only present a very superficial aspect of you, but you might consider if that's the kind of love that you really seek. Could he eventually become tolerant/affectionate about your past, or is this doomed to be a persistent 'deceitful' relationship?
Anyway, I hope I've helped more than I've discouraged you. xx
Cryptic Vigilante
Quote by Magical_felix
It would be a hard thing not to mention during a fight though, like one of those stupid jealousy fights or something. "Oh yeah, I was a little too nice to the waitress? WELL YOU FUCKED 300 GUYS."
Haha, that guy definitely is the biggest asshole that has ever walked on earth.
Wild at Heart
Quote by SereneProdigy
Haha, that guy definitely is the biggest asshole that has ever walked on earth.
No wait, THREE HUNDED AND ONE GUYS.
Cryptic Vigilante
Quote by Magical_felix
No wait, THREE HUNDED AND ONE GUYS.
Hmm, actually since that last business trip of yours... the count is now at three hundred and two.
Bonnet Flaunter
Quote by knottygirl
I'm bipolar, and during episodes of hypomania, I would go on sex binges. If I had a boyfriend, I would cheat on him. Getting sex would just make me want more sex, and I wouldn't stop until physical exhaustion. I did try to get my "number" up. I wasn't thinking of the overall number so much as "I wonder how many different guys I can fuck today?" Or, who could I fuck today that it would be really inappropriate or dangerous or challenging to fuck? I would revel in my own wantonness. Then I'd go through a depression and cry in shame about all the horrible things I had done. My boyfriend knows about my mental illness, but not about the hypersexuality that went along with it. I've been consistently taking my medication the last 2 years and haven't had any episodes. The medication basically kills my sex drive, but I do enjoy the intimacy of sex more than I ever did before.
This is a tricky one, and my heart goes out to you. The fact you feel so conflicted about your past, and that it has a lot to do with a specific symptom of how your mental illness affected you makes it a very sensitive issue. It sounds like you have worked damned hard to get your life on an even keel and to hold down your stable relationship. That takes tremendous guts, self-belief and all those good, positive, life-building things that go with all that.
Normally, if a friend asked me for advice I'd say to be honest in a relationship. And you have been, in terms of your illness which is the most important point. The sexual behaviour you used to exhibit is a symptom of a difficult past and nothing to do with your present. You have nothing to feel guilty about, nor do you owe your boyfriend an explanation for things that happened before your commitment to him. If he were an incredibly understanding person, then yes it would be positive to discuss. But from what you say, the side-affect of your hypomania sounds beyond the limits of his comprehension. You are not lying to him, simply protecting yourself, your mental health and your relationship.
So, live in the present, go from strength to strength healthwise and be happy xx
Quote by ChuckEPoo
First of all I would say that was a very busy first twenty four years. Let's say she gave up her V card at 16. 300 guys in 8 years sounds like she is the Wilt Chamberlain of women. I kind of think she needs counseling more than my dick.
Funny you should mention Wilt because we went to the same school. I was on pace to break his freshman year record, but then I came down with mono.
I appreciate everyone's feedback (guys and gals). I think I will eventually tell him the truth. Even if he can't handle it, I figure it is better to be dumped for who you are than loved for who you aren't. But I'm not sure if now is the right time. Complicating things is the fact that I'm considering tapering off the Depakote (the medication that helps control the hypomania and kills my sex drive). This is something my psychiatrist and I had discussed possibly doing if I were to be in a relationship.
Active Ink Slinger
When I met my Gf, there were similar circumstances. Although she was younger than that but her number had given her and average of 2 different guys a month from when she told me she had started having sex. That didn't include guys she had seen multiple times.
Anyway it did make me question my own sexual performance a lot but once I got past that things where fine. The number didn't bother me.
Fyi Her number is still increasing.
Anyway it did make me question my own sexual performance a lot but once I got past that things where fine. The number didn't bother me.
Fyi Her number is still increasing.
my wife is older than me and was married once before me. she has never told me her exact number but i would say 75 is in the ball park. the thing for me is she only did when she wanted to. never when she didn't. she was very confident and not one of those needy girls. confidence is very sexy. i didn't care what her number was i was just thrilled to be next!!
Active Ink Slinger
My questions aren't about morality which is really just something we all agree on at a given moment I was just wondering why to keep such in-depth records? I've never felt the urge to count the number of partners I've had, measure my penis, etc I have this picture of you naked except for a white medical coat surrounded by weighing equipment, measuring devices and sitting beside your computer with your naked partner for the evening.
the number itself is absolutely not a deal breaker. my wife and i got married a little older, i was 28 and she was 31. she had also been married once before when she was young. she is an extremely confident and super sexy women so she could pretty much be with anyone she wanted at any point. so even though she's never told me the actual number, my guess would be around 75. the fact that those 75 were guys she wanted to be with and only did it when she wanted to and never did it out of some goofy neediness makes it completely fine. her sister, on the other hand is one of the most desperate and needy girls i've ever seen. so her number is probably waaaay higher out of a bunch of desperate acts followed by days of crying and regret. that couldn't be any more unattractive! so if the number is 3, 300, or 3000 its fine as long as it was on her terms. and btw, we've been married 18 years now and no cheating by either of us. no need to because we did all that stuff before we got married. i think it's almost a must that your wife ave been a little wild before you got married so she's not curious about it later!