Lurker
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It's definitely not normal, and he's afraid to say you this. He needs counselling! It maybe a low-sexual drive...
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Guys is this normal?
Active Ink Slinger
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does not sound normal to me. He may have low testosterone levels….or is gay and doesn't want to admit it.
Active Ink Slinger
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I'm with everyone that suggests depression. As for the bathing, try and coax him into a shower with you and make worth your while.
Common Sense Iconoclast
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It sure doesn't sound normal. It sounds like he has issues, and I feel for you. I am not sure how to get him the help he needs, but maybe you can both see a counselor. Maybe that will get the problem out in the open. Best of luck to you.
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than open one's mouth and remove all doubt" - Mark Twain (or Lincoln, or Confucius, or...)
Lurker
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That's weird check his porn history and see what turns him in or add some into the fun or talk to him and tell him how u feel about ur and that u have high sexual needs and he might understand
Active Ink Slinger
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It's been ages since my original post...I've been trying to work things out in my head.
Things are actually worse than ever. I have suggested counselling and everything else mentioned on here and our relationship has just deteriorated further. He refuses counselling. He says that he loves me yet our sexual relationship is pretty much non existent - it's been longer than 5 months since we were last intimate.
The only thing that has improved is his showering situation (dunno about the teeth brushing though).
He says he simply doesn't need sex like I do (but seriously almost 6 months without?).
I have checked his porn history - he looks at it daily. On top of this, I found out that he is a feeder. I have always known that he liked curvy women (by curvy I mean exactly that, not overweight) but I didn't realise he likes to fatten them up.
To cut a long story short, he tried to do it to me. Saying things like 'we would have more sex if you got bigger' etc. I noticed that I had started to put on weight and told him that it will not happen under any circumstances, he was very disappointed. I asked him that if I chose to lose weight whether or not his attraction to me would diminish and he said an honest 'yes.' Then he says he's attracted to me no matter what, but I now realise that he likes bigger women and I cannot be that woman for him.
At one stage he wanted to take 'progress shots' of my 'weight gain' and at that point I realised what was happening and stopped it immediately. When he tries to touch me now, all that goes through my head is that he's trying to grab fat.
I have my first counselling session (on my own) tomorrow. I have decided to leave him...but I don't really know how. He can be nice and funny, but I think for a marriage to work it needs a lot more than that.
I understand that sex drive diminishes after a certain time but I also do not believe it should be like this. Are sexless marriages deal breakers?
Things are actually worse than ever. I have suggested counselling and everything else mentioned on here and our relationship has just deteriorated further. He refuses counselling. He says that he loves me yet our sexual relationship is pretty much non existent - it's been longer than 5 months since we were last intimate.
The only thing that has improved is his showering situation (dunno about the teeth brushing though).
He says he simply doesn't need sex like I do (but seriously almost 6 months without?).
I have checked his porn history - he looks at it daily. On top of this, I found out that he is a feeder. I have always known that he liked curvy women (by curvy I mean exactly that, not overweight) but I didn't realise he likes to fatten them up.
To cut a long story short, he tried to do it to me. Saying things like 'we would have more sex if you got bigger' etc. I noticed that I had started to put on weight and told him that it will not happen under any circumstances, he was very disappointed. I asked him that if I chose to lose weight whether or not his attraction to me would diminish and he said an honest 'yes.' Then he says he's attracted to me no matter what, but I now realise that he likes bigger women and I cannot be that woman for him.
At one stage he wanted to take 'progress shots' of my 'weight gain' and at that point I realised what was happening and stopped it immediately. When he tries to touch me now, all that goes through my head is that he's trying to grab fat.
I have my first counselling session (on my own) tomorrow. I have decided to leave him...but I don't really know how. He can be nice and funny, but I think for a marriage to work it needs a lot more than that.
I understand that sex drive diminishes after a certain time but I also do not believe it should be like this. Are sexless marriages deal breakers?
Advanced Wordsmith
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There is nothing normal about this. You need to sit him down and explain your needs and ask what it takes to get him interested. If that doesn't work tell him you have needs and if he doesn't fill them you will find somebody that will. There is a chance he wants you to enjoy other men. I enjoy my wife being with other men. I like being with her and other women too. Maybe you need to see if he wants an open relationship.
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by Roxysawyer
There is nothing normal about this. You need to sit him down and explain your needs and ask what it takes to get him interested. If that doesn't work tell him you have needs and if he doesn't fill them you will find somebody that will. There is a chance he wants you to enjoy other men. I enjoy my wife being with other men. I like being with her and other women too. Maybe you need to see if he wants an open relationship.
We've talked about an open marriage...it's out of the question. As I mention earlier, he is not into anything in the bedroom but feeding. Not costumes, roleplays, toys etc.
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by Roxysawyer
There is nothing normal about this. You need to sit him down and explain your needs and ask what it takes to get him interested. If that doesn't work tell him you have needs and if he doesn't fill them you will find somebody that will. There is a chance he wants you to enjoy other men. I enjoy my wife being with other men. I like being with her and other women too. Maybe you need to see if he wants an open relationship.
We've talked about an open marriage...it's out of the question. As I mention earlier, he is not into anything in the bedroom but feeding. Not costumes, roleplays, toys etc.
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by Alexa8497
We've talked about an open marriage...it's out of the question. As I mention earlier, he is not into anything in the bedroom but feeding. Not costumes, roleplays, toys etc.
My advice, for what it's worth, pack your bags and get a good lawyer.
If he wants an obese woman, give him the freedom to find one. You are clearly not what he wants.
Sorry to be blunt but you deserve better.
Advanced Wordsmith
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I'm not a fan of devorce but I believe everybody has the right to be happy. If he is only interested in making you something your not and not filling your needs than I don't see that he is leaving you much choice. He is the one that is ending things. Give him what he wants. Let him go his way and find the obese woman he wants. You can then move on with your life and be happy. There are lots of men that will love you for who you are and will be more than happy to give you the effection you desire and need.
Advanced Wordsmith
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Quote by bluewolf12I agree get him to a doctor.
Sounds like depression, but if not then other is cheating working away alot , fed up with job, or hate to say it married life was sex always like this loss of sex drive could be health problems, but not showering takeing care of him self sounds like depression he just might not realise it
Rookie Scribe
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like everyone else here,i'm thinking depression, try a shrink,in the mean time,i hope your toys do you some justice,you can also try usingthe toys in front of him,that might cause a little spark
Rookie Scribe
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He's at home, stuck on porn in the daytime, no more energy for you. Was there once. Had to fight to break the habit. It's a marriage killer!
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by sweetcutecock
like everyone else here,i'm thinking depression, try a shrink,in the mean time,i hope your toys do you some justice,you can also try usingthe toys in front of him,that might cause a little spark
He refuses all counselling. Will not see anyone at all.
As for toys, I don't have any. He doesn't like them or me using them on myself. Me doing this in front of him would cause him to walk straight back out of the room. As I said, he doesn't like anything
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by PlsrKing
He's at home, stuck on porn in the daytime, no more energy for you. Was there once. Had to fight to break the habit. It's a marriage killer!
We've talked about this issue countless times as well. Its at a point now where he's actually lying to me about his porn usage.
I just think its sh*t for him to expect me to not have any toys, not see a counselor and not sleep with any other man if he's not up to the game.
I'm still young (27) and don't want to be wasting my life with someone who doesn't want me like that.
Lurker
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Quote by Alexa8497
We've talked about an open marriage...it's out of the question. As I mention earlier, he is not into anything in the bedroom but feeding. Not costumes, roleplays, toys etc.
maybe i'm speaking out of turn... but you should definitely leave him.
if he loves you then he will come and find you and change his ways
hope you get things sorted... for your own sanity
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by da_rk
maybe i'm speaking out of turn... but you should definitely leave him.
if he loves you then he will come and find you and change his ways
hope you get things sorted... for your own sanity
I appreciate your input. I am so lost and conflicted about all this that I feel like I needed to pool some resources and opinions before I decide on the next step.
Now we are at the point where I've shut off emotionally and he's wondering why I'm so cold.
Rookie Scribe
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Quote by Alexa8497
We've talked about this issue countless times as well. Its at a point now where he's actually lying to me about his porn usage.
I just think its sh*t for him to expect me to not have any toys, not see a counselor and not sleep with any other man if he's not up to the game.
I'm still young (27) and don't want to be wasting my life with someone who doesn't want me like that.
Maybe you should try getting slightly more curves, and/or instead of toys, sit in front of him and masterbate using your fingers/hand.
Does he like blowjobs?
Lurker
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Quote by Wilful
Another vote from the cheap seats for counselling, if not for the both of you, at least for you. A good psychologist will be able to work with you to help you take the action that's right for you, whether it's finding a way to accept the situation, come up with strategies to change it, or assist you to move on.
As for "normal", don't get caught up on labels. What matters is what's going on for you, not everybody else. But for whatever it's worth, it's not uncommon.
Good luck.
Good comment Wil. You definitely need to see a counsellor in my opinion, for what that is worth. But only you can decide if your marriage is worth the effort.
Active Ink Slinger
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it is not normal for him to be like he is if you was married to me not only I coud not keep my handa off you but your clothes would not be on not long after you wallk in the door
Active Ink Slinger
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it is not normal for him to be like he is if you was married to me not only I coud not keep my handa off you but your clothes would not be on not long after you wallk in the door but tell him about you him and another girl in bed with you two and see what he does or say
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by PlsrKing
Maybe you should try getting slightly more curves, and/or instead of toys, sit in front of him and masterbate using your fingers/hand.
Does he like blowjobs?
I think I have enough curves...I have a round butt and DD breasts. At the end of the day, I didn't ask him to get his six pack back (like he was when we met) so I don't think its fair for him to expect me to change for him. Especially if its on the unhealthy side.
As for the masturbating, I tried that and he walked out. He enjoys BJs but doesn't cum from it and hence doesn't see it as a necessity. He doesn't go down me either.
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by monainohio
it is not normal for him to be like he is if you was married to me not only I coud not keep my handa off you but your clothes would not be on not long after you wallk in the door but tell him about you him and another girl in bed with you two and see what he does or say
I asked him about a threesome with another girl...he refused.
Lurker
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My Advise
Get counseling for yourself. Not marriage counseling, but just for you. Let that counselor help with perspective and then go from there.
Sounds like there is more than meets the eye here.
Get counseling for yourself. Not marriage counseling, but just for you. Let that counselor help with perspective and then go from there.
Sounds like there is more than meets the eye here.
Active Ink Slinger
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It isn't quite normal, if he's always been like it then it may be he just has a very low sex drive but if he was sexually active then it sounds like there may be underlying physical or mental (depression) problems but either way he needs a professional check up.
Bonnet Flaunter
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Alexa, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time. As the guys have said; no, your husband's behaviour is not normal, and I'm only butting in as it does sound similar to what I experienced in a relatively recent relationship and that stemmed from my partner's depression. Your man obviously has problems, but unfortunately he is trying to transfer those on to you and is making you desperately unhappy in the process. Your going up several dress sizes will NOT make him more sexually active or make his underlying psychological difficulties magically disappear. Only he, with medical help, can do that.
However you are stuck in the middle of all this and need help and support to cope with the impact this is having on you. Please do keep us posted as to how you're doing, and we are here if you need to vent. Sending hugs.
However you are stuck in the middle of all this and need help and support to cope with the impact this is having on you. Please do keep us posted as to how you're doing, and we are here if you need to vent. Sending hugs.
Active Ink Slinger
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I lived in a sexless marriage for years, and finally left on my own. Eventually you will leave.
Common Sense Iconoclast
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Being an engineer means I think in practical terms. Not the greatest for giving love advice, but let me try. The solution to just about any problem fits into one of the following three categories: 1. Fix it; 2. Live with it; or 3. Walk away. It sure sounds like you have tried the first two categories, and exhausted all reasonable alternatives, leaving only #3
No matter how much he says he loves you, he either does not really love you, or does not love himself (Could be depression, as others have suggested). Something radical will likely be necessary to put things right, and I dread that he might be trying to control you. Therefore any attempt for you to leave may not be well-received. That does NOT mean you should accept alternative #2 to avoid his anger. I believe you will need to find close friends or family that will assist you in walking away, and support your decision and your adaptation to a new life on your own, or until you find a suitable partner. At least taking that action will up the ante, and possibly force him to realize he needs help, because you have reached your very reasonable limit of what you can tolerate, and then some.
If all remains as it is, he will have no motivation to change, and you will continue to be miserable. Don't be.
No matter how much he says he loves you, he either does not really love you, or does not love himself (Could be depression, as others have suggested). Something radical will likely be necessary to put things right, and I dread that he might be trying to control you. Therefore any attempt for you to leave may not be well-received. That does NOT mean you should accept alternative #2 to avoid his anger. I believe you will need to find close friends or family that will assist you in walking away, and support your decision and your adaptation to a new life on your own, or until you find a suitable partner. At least taking that action will up the ante, and possibly force him to realize he needs help, because you have reached your very reasonable limit of what you can tolerate, and then some.
If all remains as it is, he will have no motivation to change, and you will continue to be miserable. Don't be.
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than open one's mouth and remove all doubt" - Mark Twain (or Lincoln, or Confucius, or...)
Lurker
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You are young and he doesn't brush his teeth... Let him and LIVE!
Sorry I didn't notice it's for GUYS
Sorry I didn't notice it's for GUYS