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What is your experience with affairs?

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Quote by drillsarge2
Have you had an affair with a married man? Was it something you would do again? How much are you willing to share? As one who has never had an affair in a lot of years of marriage, but has often considered it, I wonder...


This is where the thread started. I've already apologized once for hitting a nerve for so many who have replied to this post. Others have commented on the the battle of mores that has been waged in the responses. For the record, I have never had an affair, although there were opportunities. I know what it feels like to begin to disengage emotionally from my wife, and that is in essence a cheapening of the marriage relationship. Fortunately, I have always reestablished what was most important to me and disengaging from the emotional attachment with another woman that was developing. I have witnessed many others experience an affair as either the "cheater" or the "victim." Earlier it was posted that not being satisfied in bed is a cause of affairs. I believe that to be true, but not to be the only factor. Communication and intimacy in all facets of the marriage relationship is certainly another huge factor. Money or the lack thereof can certainly play a major role. And, it was pointed out that character is sometimes the issue. Agreed. What does that say about my character as I have considered what it would be like to have been in an affair?

Of course, I'd love to get back to the original intent of the thread - what was the experience of the woman who had a relationship with a married man. And, I thank every woman who responded regardless of the response. Thanks!

Finally, I don't think any of us are able to throw stones at another without being guilty of ignoring our own sins/shortcomings.

Keep posting as you like. I'll be reading.
Steve
Hasabrain2
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entered in error.
Hasabrain2
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To those women who think men are "scum" who cheat, I ask can you afford two new monthly car payments?

If I divorced my wife, alimony and child support would cost me the equivalent of two car payments a month (on top of what the one I already make). Add on top of the long commute (I'd have to move to the bad part of county to afford those car payments) and the loss of seeing the kids on a daily basis. Only if you have taken that kind of financial loss yourself, can you judge who is "scum".
Dani
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Quote by Hasabrain2
To those women who think men are "scum" who cheat, I ask can you afford two new monthly car payments?

If I divorced my wife, alimony and child support would cost me the equivalent of two car payments a month (on top of what the one I already make). Add on top of the long commute (I'd have to move to the bad part of county to afford those car payments) and the loss of seeing the kids on a daily basis. Only if you have taken that kind of financial loss yourself, can you judge who is "scum".


Dude, how many times do we have to go through this one with you? You don't need our permission to screw around on your wife. Go for it...but those consequences will be there whether you're the one filing for divorce or she's the one filing after she catches you cheating. If that's the risk you're willing to take, then by all means...fuck around. But stop begging for sympathy. Sheesh.

You've posted numerous threads about this and your wife's issues, etc. We get it. No one has told you NOT to cheat. But you can't expect people to modify their opinions about cheaters just because it would make you feel better.

People are gonna think you're scum for cheating, and you're just gonna have to deal with it. If you can't handle random internet strangers thinking you're scum for cheating, then perhaps the life of a philanderer isn't for you. Duh.

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Quote by Hasabrain2
To those women who think men are "scum" who cheat, I ask can you afford two new monthly car payments?

If I divorced my wife, alimony and child support would cost me the equivalent of two car payments a month (on top of what the one I already make). Add on top of the long commute (I'd have to move to the bad part of county to afford those car payments) and the loss of seeing the kids on a daily basis. Only if you have taken that kind of financial loss yourself, can you judge who is "scum".



Once again, doing your reading for you, no where did anybody call you a scum. And if you can't afford the change that getting caught for cheating would deal you, maybe you should simply cover your butt and avoid putting yourself in that predicament. If you play around, get caught and find yourself living on the shitty side of town to make the child support and car payments...don't come whining. It was by your own design.

Not Hasabrain.

Wheresthebrain.
Langley
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I do not think I or anyone else has the right to judge anyone else if they have an affair or not. I love my wife very much but the romance and physical contact between us has disappeared. If I can find the right lady to be a part of life I would have an affair.
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Quote by MadMartigan
Taking things personally all the time, especially other people's thoughts and opinions as a whole, just makes you sick. I know as I've experienced it before in the past and it isn't healthy in the slightest bit.


My sentiments exactly. Experience often shapes how we interpret things. There are far worse things out there than cheating. Not that I'm trying to downplay it or excuse it. But people have their own way of compartmentalizing things. Cheating is a bad thing. But to some it's worse than another bad thing, but not nearly as awful as this other bad thing. So being able to say, "I'm this or that, but at least I'm not that," is the most hypocritical thing I've ever seen. I personally hate the one-up mentality.

How would one even go about measuring something like that? It's all very relative. As I said, people feel strongly about certain things either from the outside looking in or from personal experience. Just because someone doesn't condone cheating doesn't mean it's not something you should at the very least try to understand. It's never cut and dry. It's mucky and gray and there are so many twists and turns involved. It amazes me how people witness certain acts and completely forget that people are human. Your convictions are not the same convictions as others. And if you insist on judging people according to your own convictions, they will always fall short of your standards. Cheater doesn't equal bad person. Someone may be a bad person who happens to be a cheater. And someone may be a good person who happens to be a cheater. It's all perspective...and some things you just can't cover with blanket statements and generalizations. Every person is different.

Again, I'm not trying to justify or make excuses for anything or anyone. But don't get that Scarlet Letter mentality, either.

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Quote by slipperywhenwet2012


My sentiments exactly. Experience often shapes how we interpret things. There are far worse things out there than cheating. Not that I'm trying to downplay it or excuse it. But people have their own way of compartmentalizing things. Cheating is a bad thing. But to some it's worse than another bad thing, but not nearly as awful as this other bad thing. So being able to say, "I'm this or that, but at least I'm not that," is the most hypocritical thing I've ever seen. I personally hate the one-up mentality.

How would one even go about measuring something like that? It's all very relative. As I said, people feel strongly about certain things either from the outside looking in or from personal experience. Just because someone doesn't condone cheating doesn't mean it's not something you should at the very least try to understand. It's never cut and dry. It's mucky and gray and there are so many twists and turns involved. It amazes me how people witness certain acts and completely forget that people are human. Your convictions are not the same convictions as others. And if you insist on judging people according to your own convictions, they will always fall short of your standards. Cheater doesn't equal bad person. Someone may be a bad person who happens to be a cheater. And someone may be a good person who happens to be a cheater. It's all perspective...and some things you just can't cover with blanket statements and generalizations. Every person is different.

Again, I'm not trying to justify or make excuses for anything or anyone. But don't get that Scarlet Letter mentality, either.




Yes, Yes, Yes! In fact, I would say there are no "good" people out there - we all make mistakes. If we can't accept that, then we just go about trying to make ourselves look better by saying someone else's goof-up was worse than ours.

So, have you ladies had affairs with married guys. I'm certainly not here to judge anyone!!!
lafayettemister
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Quote by Kristind


You said, In the end, the only judgment of character that really matters, is my own judgment of myself.

You also said, You're right, cheating is bad. Been there done that and I'm not proud of it.

To finish it off, I know what I did was wrong, but I also know that if I had to do it all over again, I'd make the same choices.

I'm assuming you didn't caught at it...so why not do it all over again? Or you did get caught and were forgiven...with that kind of outcome why not do it all over again? Or you were caught and weren't forgiven...so why not do it all over again. Like carteblanche said...it comes down to character, or lack of it. Our brains are not wired to remember pain and I guess they're not wired to remember our lack of character, either.

I am NOT advocating laws to deal with cheaters but I'm going to say if there were and there was a penalty to accompany cheating on the contract you signed up for, there would probably be less cheating. In fact the entire approach to cheating would be looked at differently because this could land one in a situation they would actually have to pay for. Just like laws for murder, tax fraud, speeding, dui, jaywalking....etc.

You said, I know what I did was wrong, but I also know that if I had to do it all over again, I'd make the same choices.

Nope. No laws judging our character, even your own, even when you know it's wrong.


Like I said before, it's not always so black and white. Having one personal flaw or weakness doesn't totally invalidate a person's character. All people have skeletons in their closet. Most people have a vice or something they wish they didn't do. Could be cheating, could be too much alcohol... the the person can still be a good person capable of love, care, compassion, empathy, understanding, etc... They aren't necessarily lacking character, at least not totally. Part of the character is questionable, sure. But that doesn't mean the lack character completely.



When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates
lafayettemister
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Quote by MadMartigan


Opinion noted. However, at the same time, nothing is worse than the holier than thou types from the older, "wiser", and more "experienced."

Age does not beget wisdom. Nor does it grant the right to marginalize the younger. Just like we aren't aware of your experiences, you are not aware of OUR experiences or the experiences of our friends and families and what we've had to deal with in that regard.

Sorry you feel like others are calling you "scum." But the question was experience with affairs. Most, if not all, answered that and then dug further into our belief regarding the subject. And no, I have and can never have much sympathy for those who knowingly enter affairs with kids involved or carry one out for years.

We all make mistakes. In the heat of the moment, who's to say what any of us would do. At the same time, continuing to go to that place is just...reeks of zero compassion for the wife or husband an individual is hurting each time the affair deepens.


I think what PA meant (not that she needs me to speak for her) is that age brings a little perspective on things/life. I'm sure PA herself, and my own self, would have thought the same way when we were younger. But age brings a different viewpoint. No one should marginalize the younger or older, our experiences are what they are. I don't htink she was marginalizing.

Age does beget wisdom, in most cases. Wisdom and intelligence aren't exactly the same thing. A 40 year old should have more wisdom than a 20 year old. To say that a 20 year old has gleaned as much wisdom out of life as a 40 year old is disingenuous. To say that person learned as much about life in years 0-20 as another person learned in years 0-40? Nah, I don't buy it. Has the 40 year old been in a coma for 20 years? This doesn't mean the 20 year old's point of view is invalid, but age does factor in. Would you say that a typical 12 year old has the same wisdom as a 22 year old? Probably not.

Wisdom and intelligence are a little different. My grandmother got married and pregnant in her early to mid teens. Only had a grade school education, she probably wasn't as "intelligent" as most of her grand/great grandkids who graduated high school and college. But she was still the wisest person I knew. There are always exceptions to the rule, but generally speaking... older people, with the advantage of time and perspective, are often times more wise than their much younger counterparts. Which isn't a judgement on the younger crowd's intelligence.

There's and adage that a person should learn something new everyday. A 60 yr old has had 7300 more daily life lessons than a 40 year old who has 7300 more than a 20 year old. There's truth to that saying.



When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates
Dani
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Quote by drillsarge2




Yes, Yes, Yes! In fact, I would say there are no "good" people out there - we all make mistakes. If we can't accept that, then we just go about trying to make ourselves look better by saying someone else's goof-up was worse than ours.


Now I wouldn't venture that far. Making mistakes doesn't determine whether you're good or bad. That's saying everyone who's ever made a mistake is inherently bad.

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Going to take a whack at this one. Some may get it, some may not. I was married for a long time, and never even considered being unfaithful. The thought of my husband being unfaithful was something I believed to be a deal breaker for me. I finally gathered the courage and left for reasons other than cheating, but I deeply resent the fact that I gave him everything and always put my needs second.

I have now played with four different married men. The first one lied about it, and upon finding out I put a stop to it. But, the other three were never dishonest about their situations with me. These relationships were purely based in sex, and they required mutual respect between us to make it work. Would it be my first choice for a relationship? Hell no, but the needs it filled on both sides cannot be denied. There are no blurred lines about what "might" happen in the future because we have already agreed to not let that happen. Yes, feelings develop, but one must endure a slap back into reality every once in a while to engage in such activities.

It's about pleasure, plain and simple. How far will one go to truly experience what they yearn for? What am I willing to sacrifice to say that I have really lived? And when I have had my fill, I will stop taking.
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Quote by lafayettemister


Like I said before, it's not always so black and white. Having one personal flaw or weakness doesn't totally invalidate a person's character. All people have skeletons in their closet. Most people have a vice or something they wish they didn't do. Could be cheating, could be too much alcohol... the the person can still be a good person capable of love, care, compassion, empathy, understanding, etc... They aren't necessarily lacking character, at least not totally. Part of the character is questionable, sure. But that doesn't mean the lack character completely.


You are absolutely correct. I think I've been overstating my message so let me put it this way...

If you are a good person in most every aspect of your life but one part of you has a bad habit of stealing candy bars or driving under the influence...an aspect of your character becomes that of being a thief or a drunk. Right? We do that all the time. Therefore, in society, that becomes at least part of what you are seen as. You may be a great person in just about every other aspect of your life but that is glossed over and thief or drunk is what you're thought of as because you're 'expected' to be a good person, aren't you?

We do that with all the time, don't we? Have you never heard, "Yeah, he's a nice guy but..."

That "but" is the part of your character (good? bad?) that we are speaking to in this thread even tho I think the OP wanted us to speak the erotic details of the affair. My apologies to the OP that it became this.

When it comes to cheating, everybody in this thread has said that its wrong. Well, everybody except WMM. However those who engage in cheating add...don't judge me or you can't judge me...except for WMM who puts the responsibility of his cheating with married women on the triple chinned, beer drinking fucktard. It's his fault, right? Well, just like the thief who steals candy bars or the person who drives while under the influence, the person who cheats has that tacked onto their list of characteristics. The whole neighborhood may not, and hopefully, does not know about it. But how anyone can deny that cheating, having that lack of respect for your or somebody else's relationship that you or they are promised to is, at the very least, an aspect of the many aspects of your character.

I'm out.
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My only experience of affairs was not knowing or being told the guy was married and just being his fling or bit on the side.

Until I found out the truth of course, I wasn't in love with him so walking away was only made difficult by him, he wanted me to stay on as a casual.
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Quote by EyesofGreen
Going to take a whack at this one. Some may get it, some may not. I was married for a long time, and never even considered being unfaithful. The thought of my husband being unfaithful was something I believed to be a deal breaker for me. I finally gathered the courage and left for reasons other than cheating, but I deeply resent the fact that I gave him everything and always put my needs second.

I have now played with four different married men. The first one lied about it, and upon finding out I put a stop to it. But, the other three were never dishonest about their situations with me. These relationships were purely based in sex, and they required mutual respect between us to make it work. Would it be my first choice for a relationship? Hell no, but the needs it filled on both sides cannot be denied. There are no blurred lines about what "might" happen in the future because we have already agreed to not let that happen. Yes, feelings develop, but one must endure a slap back into reality every once in a while to engage in such activities.

It's about pleasure, plain and simple. How far will one go to truly experience what they yearn for? What am I willing to sacrifice to say that I have really lived? And when I have had my fill, I will stop taking.


Thanks! This the kind of answer that I am looking for - your experience, how you felt about it, why you did it, etc. Thanks for hitting the nail on the head. Of course, you aren't the only one to just answer the question. Thanks!!!
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Quote by Kimasa
My only experience of affairs was not knowing or being told the guy was married and just being his fling or bit on the side.

Until I found out the truth of course, I wasn't in love with him so walking away was only made difficult by him, he wanted me to stay on as a casual.


And you have come at my forum post in a very straightforward way, too. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!
HayleyHollyGrace
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I've had an affair with a married woman
Picking my nose now.
WellMadeMale
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Quote by Kristind


You are absolutely correct. I think I've been overstating my message so let me put it this way...

If you are a good person in most every aspect of your life but one part of you has a bad habit of stealing candy bars or driving under the influence...an aspect of your character becomes that of being a thief or a drunk. Right? We do that all the time. Therefore, in society, that becomes at least part of what you are seen as. You may be a great person in just about every other aspect of your life but that is glossed over and thief or drunk is what you're thought of as because you're 'expected' to be a good person, aren't you?

We do that with all the time, don't we? Have you never heard, "Yeah, he's a nice guy but..."

That "but" is the part of your character (good? bad?) that we are speaking to in this thread even tho I think the OP wanted us to speak the erotic details of the affair. My apologies to the OP that it became this.

When it comes to cheating, everybody in this thread has said that its wrong. Well, everybody except WMM. However those who engage in cheating add...don't judge me or you can't judge me...except for WMM who puts the responsibility of his cheating with married women on the triple chinned, beer drinking fucktard. It's his fault, right? Well, just like the thief who steals candy bars or the person who drives while under the influence, the person who cheats has that tacked onto their list of characteristics. The whole neighborhood may not, and hopefully, does not know about it. But how anyone can deny that cheating, having that lack of respect for your or somebody else's relationship that you or they are promised to is, at the very least, an aspect of the many aspects of your character.

I'm out.


I wish I was 21 again and knew it all, and was absolutely, positively cocksure of that fiction. That feeling of invincibility is priceless, isn't it.
The same GQP demanding we move on from January 6th, 2021 is still doing audits of the November 3rd, 2020 election.
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Quote by HayleyHollyGrace
I've had an affair with a married woman
As have i. The fact is that everybody cheats or is capable of cheating at some point in there lives. Those who say they wouldn't just haven't been presented with the ideal opportunity and /or ideal set of circumstances for them to follow thru with it. I've known some people who you would never imagine them of being capable of ever cheating on thier spouses, but they did.
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Current affairs.....foreign affairs..?
My Karma just ran over your Dogma
BigDaddyRich
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When I was married only once. Felt bad for a long time until I caught her. Then not so bad.
Well that's just my opinion, sorry if you don't like.

BigDaddyRich
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When I was married only once. Felt bad for a long time until I caught her. Then not so bad.
Well that's just my opinion, sorry if you don't like.

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Quote by Kristind


Then, I think I'd have to ask just what does love mean to you?



Love to me means emotional connection, beeing there for each other, a commitment to the relationship, mutual honesty.

I am not a jealous type. I read the wife lovers stories with pleasure. If my wife had sex just for the physical pleasure or heat of the moment, I would want to know, and hope that it was good for her. And as long as she still loved me, it would not be that big a deal.

I know she does not feel the same way, and that me having sex with others would damage our relationship, so I do not cheat. But I still think that the great fixation on the sex act as the great cheat in our culture, might be damaging. It make people let go of otherwise good relationships, get too hurt when there was no intention of hurting, and creating lies and dishonesty, because the truth cannot be tolerated.
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It was an affair with my neighbor that finally set me free from my asshole husband. It wasn't right, but it was right for me at the time.
Since becoming single, I don't ask the men I'm with if they're married, and I discourage them from wanting to tell me.
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Quote by Elling50


Love to me means emotional connection, beeing there for each other, a commitment to the relationship, mutual honesty.

I am not a jealous type. I read the wife lovers stories with pleasure. If my wife had sex just for the physical pleasure or heat of the moment, I would want to know, and hope that it was good for her. And as long as she still loved me, it would not be that big a deal.

I know she does not feel the same way, and that me having sex with others would damage our relationship, so I do not cheat. But I still think that the great fixation on the sex act as the great cheat in our culture, might be damaging. It make people let go of otherwise good relationships, get too hurt when there was no intention of hurting, and creating lies and dishonesty, because the truth cannot be tolerated.


I am not looking to argue for the sake argument. And I do want say that I am glad that you have conviction enough to honor your wife for the way she sees the "emotional connection, commitment to the relationship and mutual honesty" of your union. You're a wise man that no doubt loves his wife immensely.

I think the reason for the social "fixation" on cheating is it is seldom sex alone. Sex comes with emotion. Both physical and mental. You are saying that you could have sex for the sake of sex. So let me ask...would you have sex with the ugly old hag down the road? How about sex with the buck tooth librarian, bespectacled and hot for you that you don't see attractive in the least. Yes? Then it's just sex for the pure sake of an orgasm. No? If you say no then I have to ask why. Why not have sex for the pure sake of getting off with an ugly old hag?

The reason is simple. Because with sex comes an emotional attachment. When you are in a committed relationship that emotional attachment is reserved.

Its the honor you are showing your wife, my good man. Bless you.
sexyvette2469
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My experience was fantastic. Had an 18 year ongoing affair that provided all the love and happiness my life was other wise missing. It was a sensational period that probably would have lasted a lifetime had the lady not died.
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Interesting tread didn't read all of it, but I saw so many strong and moralistic reactions...If I didn't know better I would think hardly anyone is cheating....

When I was younger I had a negative and even moralistic idea about cheating, now I have changed my opinion about it and think there are so many reasons for people to cheat. And so many people do cheat, it seems to be something in our nature....
I think it's very easy to judge about it, but why should we?

I'm happily together for over 10 years with my hb, and since over a year orso I really felt like having sex with other men (or women ;-) ), although our sexlife is good.
We talked for years about having an open marriage, and since a while we have one, I am really very happy with that.
Since a short time i have an affair with a man, just for the great sex and nothing more.
My husband doesn't know about it, we agreed not to tell eich other anything.
For me it is something really besides my marriage, but it also spices things up in my marriage.
I havent felt this happy, sexy and sexually satisfied since a long time and love all the naughtiness of our actions.
My husband and I have more sex, and I feel a stronger connection with him, just because I feel so satisfied.

But yes, I realize this is not really cheating like what is discussed in here, if we didn't agree to have sex outside our marriage, I wouldn't have been at this point (yet). But I know that point would have been there one day, open marriage or not.
I am 35, I love my husband to bits, but I can't think of having sex with only him for the rest of my life...

Wonder if this makes me immoral ;-) ?
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Quote by Naughty_Nurse
Interesting thread didn't read all of it, but I saw so many strong and moralistic reactions...If I didn't know better I would think hardly anyone is cheating....

When I was younger I had a negative and even moralistic idea about cheating, now I have changed my opinion about it and think there are so many reasons for people to cheat. And so many people do cheat, it seems to be something in our nature....

I think it's very easy to judge about it, but why should we?

I'm happily together for over 10 years with my hb, and since over a year orso I really felt like having sex with other men (or women ;-) ), although our sexlife is good.
We talked for years about having an open marriage, and since a while we have one, I am really very happy with that.
Since a short time i have an affair with a man, just for the great sex and nothing more.
My husband doesn't know about it, we agreed not to tell eich other anything.
For me it is something really besides my marriage, but it also spices things up in my marriage.
I havent felt this happy, sexy and sexually satisfied since a long time and love all the naughtiness of our actions.
My husband and I have more sex, and I feel a stronger connection with him, just because I feel so satisfied.

But yes, I realize this is not really cheating like what is discussed in here, if we didn't agree to have sex outside our marriage, I wouldn't have been at this point (yet). But I know that point would have been there one day, open marriage or not.
I am 35, I love my husband to bits, but I can't think of having sex with only him for the rest of my life...

Wonder if this makes me immoral ;-) ?


How refreshing to read this ..... I believe there are many people who have affairs in order to KEEP their marriage, and for "just" sex. Having said that ... it either replaces the no-sex relationship, the boring-sex relationship OR in your case, helps you feel sexier and alive to make a deeper connection to your husband, because you are having better/more sex with him!

Who are we to judge others? I sure as fuck don't judge others for what they deem they need in their life. (and I am sure someone is gonna take that out of context and put it in some context like drinking and driving, or something else that has nothing to do with the topic at hand)

Where affairs become difficult (as I said in my first original post on this topic) are when emotions develop, someone (or both) fall in love, the marriage suffers/stays intact and the mistress is left without anything. That is the tough part about an emotional sexual affair with a married man, for me. For that reason alone, I won't repeat my mistake.
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Quote by PersonalAssistant


How refreshing to read this ..... I believe there are many people who have affairs in order to KEEP their marriage, and for "just" sex. Having said that ... it either replaces the no-sex relationship, the boring-sex relationship OR in your case, helps you feel sexier and alive to make a deeper connection to your husband, because you are having better/more sex with him!

Who are we to judge others? I sure as fuck don't judge others for what they deem they need in their life. (and I am sure someone is gonna take that out of context and put it in some context like drinking and driving, or something else that has nothing to do with the topic at hand)

Where affairs become difficult (as I said in my first original post on this topic) are when emotions develop, someone (or both) fall in love, the marriage suffers/stays intact and the mistress is left without anything. That is the tough part about an emotional sexual affair with a married man, for me. For that reason alone, I won't repeat my mistake.


I gave a kudo to a few peeps who said that haven't/wouldn't/couldn't cheat. You, all by yourself, took that, lets call it a 'tip of the hat', as a personal negative judgement of you. Which is not at all what my intention was. Then, it turned into this. Which, again, PA, was not my intention. However, life is choices. You mention the drinking and driving context, which you must admit was directed straight at me since I'm the one who said it. The context of the drinking and driving mention was an analogy. An analogy of how we live by our choices. No one can justify drunk driving. It is a bad choice. Well, by your own admittance, PA, when it comes to "being the other woman" let me quote you...

... That is the tough part about an emotional sexual affair with a married man, for me. For that reason alone, I won't repeat my mistake.

If it's a mistake...it must be the wrong thing to do. Not a good choice. If it feels wrong...it is wrong. By your own admittance.