What is cheating? Is it about the sex?
Deception and lying destroys trust that is very important in a relationship. Affairs compete with the love and attachment in a relationship.
But should one be more overbearing with just sex outside the primary relationship? Sex that is just for physical pleasure? Sex that is the result of a moments heat, but not a sign of losing love with your significant other? Or will extramarital sex always be a disaster that will destroy the relationship if discovered?
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What is your experience with affairs?
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Quote by Elling50
What is cheating? Is it about the sex?
Deception and lying destroys trust that is very important in a relationship. Affairs compete with the love and attachment in a relationship.
But should one be more overbearing with just sex outside the primary relationship? Sex that is just for physical pleasure? Sex that is the result of a moments heat, but not a sign of losing love with your significant other? Or will extramarital sex always be a disaster that will destroy the relationship if discovered?
OMG! So, let me get this straight. "I fucked her but I make love to you" is this the balance of what should be considered when a SO has crossed the boundaries of an exclusive relationship? Seriously?
How does this sound...or feel, "Hi honey, how was your day."
"Same-o, same-o. Got the report in on time."
"Great honey! How'd the boss like your presentation?"
"Well, that part was not so great. I guess he wanted more."
"Aww, sorry to hear about that. How was the rest of your day?"
"Well, the meeting pissed me off. Luckily, Caroline, treated me to lunch. You know, to lift my spirits a bit."
"Caroline? Who's Caroline?"
"You know Caroline. That blonde bombshell with the desk by the windows. Gawd, she gives a great blow job."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I always wondered what those dark red lipsticked lips could do and boy did it lift me out of a funk. After that I got my whole desk cleaned off."
"Oh gee baby, I'm sooo glad to hear that your day ended up so productive."
"Yeah, me too. She swallows ya know?"
"Great! I'm so glad for you. Dinner will be ready in about 15 minutes so you just relax. I'm sure you're just exhausted."
As WMM says...MEH!
Artistic Tart
Quote by PersonalAssistant
Something a few of you under 30 year olds should understand is that almost everyone goes into marriage with similar "ideals" .... never have I heard anyone say "yeah, I'll likely cheat on my spouse cuz we've grown apart" .... or "I'm expecting to divorce" ... yet, over 50% of marriages end in divorce ...... and a surprising amount of still married folks either live in a sexless/roommate marriage or someone (another shocker!) more likely the wife than the husband, will cheat.
Folks - that is reality.
=d>
I'm one of those under 30 year olds, yet I'd like to say I understand what you're saying in a crystal clear way. And I'll take it step further. Nobody notices the gleam in a man's eye and thinks, "In two months I'll get high and fuck a co-worker behind his back." Nobody thinks, "this is doomed from the start, I'm effectively leading him down a path toward heartbreak." Maybe if we were smarter or more self-aware, we'd see those sorts of things coming (especially the latter), but we don't. We have baggage, not to blame it on that, but our pasts do inform our future. They're either assets or they're things we have to try to overcome, with varying levels of success.
Feelings aren't logical, neither are hormones. Of course cheating is bad, so is murder, and so is tax fraud. Here's a cookie for that blanket assessment. Only a true sociopath would be unmoved by the collateral damage of infidelity. Yet, we can't deny that it's overwhelmingly the product of happenstance, borne either out of carelessness or found at the end of a winding and misleading emotional path.
It's easy to judge. Cheating is one of those easy 'black/white' issues to render judgment on from the outside. Cheaters are bad/hurtful/sociopathic/selfish etc., we can all nod our heads. Does that make anyone feel better to say?
I've cheated. More than once. Throw all the stones you want, call me a homewrecker, get lost in a fit of self-righteousness- whatever. I have my reasons, and my circumstances, which led to my decisions, none of which would excuse my actions nor anyone else's. I'm not proud of a lot of things I've done, so if it makes anyone feel better for declaring their loss of respect for us, the unclean philanderers among the rest of you, then do what you have to do. Hopefully it brings you peace, and you'll always be 'right' from an objective point of view.
But see, that's the thing- instances of cheating are never objective. As Mazza so eloquently said, all kinds of factors come into play anytime anyone cheats on a partner. There aren't just mitigating circumstances involved; the whole damn situation is a confluence of highly personal circumstances.
I'll add the obligatory "I'm not harshing on anyone in particular" disclaimer here. I'm reacting only to prevailing attitude, not to people. It's the attitude that's so easy to represent, but in doing so, is so blind to circumstance as well as improperly dismissive of people who end up in these scenarios.
Quote by Metilda
I disagree that someone always gets hurt.
My ex cheated on me and it was what I needed to realize our marriage was truly shit, truly over, and the only way to officially end it was if I left. Of course, that was amid all the other things like his abusive nature and drug use, but the cheating, for some reason, was the thing that made me realize I could do better in life than be with him.
Did it hurt me? In that moment - when I found out - yes it did.
Did it have long term hurt? No - the moment I decided to leave him I felt like a weight was off my shoulders. It was my "ahha!" moment.
What did hurt? I don't know, maybe he cried over me leaving him. I know I didn't. I was scared to be on my own, but glad I did it.
Metilda, you say you disagree someone always gets hurt, then say you did get hurt when you found out about your ex cheating on you. Whether it led to your decision to leave him or not, you say were still hurt initially.
I agree someone always gets hurt. Whether it's the spouse, the cheater or the third party, perhaps more than one person gets hurt. I've never heard of someone that was involved somehow in infidelity and wasn't hurt in some way when the affair (or one night stand) was discovered or ended.
Cryptic Vigilante
Very interesting thread, and very interesting people here. I read all of it.
LadyX summed up my opinion the best. Everyone will surely agree that in a perfect world each person should find the perfect mate, live the perfect love and be eternally faithfull, but things only rarely turn out to be that way. Cheating is just one of many things that can make a relationship go wrong, and often times it is simply a manifestation of such a misfortune and not really the cause. However we may condemn it, it has always happened and will happen many times again ; humans are nothing more than animals with golden rules.
I have never cheated or got cheated on myself, but I don't judge others either. I've known plenty of morally respectable people who got involved in such affairs. The only persons I blame are those who do it out of complete disregard for their partner and take pride in it.
LadyX summed up my opinion the best. Everyone will surely agree that in a perfect world each person should find the perfect mate, live the perfect love and be eternally faithfull, but things only rarely turn out to be that way. Cheating is just one of many things that can make a relationship go wrong, and often times it is simply a manifestation of such a misfortune and not really the cause. However we may condemn it, it has always happened and will happen many times again ; humans are nothing more than animals with golden rules.
I have never cheated or got cheated on myself, but I don't judge others either. I've known plenty of morally respectable people who got involved in such affairs. The only persons I blame are those who do it out of complete disregard for their partner and take pride in it.
Raised on Blackroot
Quote by Kristind
At the risk of getting piled on I just wanted to add...there once was a time when more marriages survived than failed. When cheating wasn't a norm or expected (50/50) outcome in a relationship. That said, what our society has become is a disposable society even in regard to individual relationships and I can't see how that can be treated nonchalantly. It happens...yep. All the time. But like I stated, once upon a time it wasn't the norm. Once upon a time "no-fault" divorce was not a part of our vernacular.
Please don't take this a judgement because I'm not passing judgement on you or anyone else. I'm just saying...there once was a time when the "institution of marriage" was actually an institution. When the institution was respected, almost sacred. I'm young and maybe this is pie in the sky thinking but there was a time when our society wasn't so disposable.
And I'm not judging people either. I'm just judging cheating in general. Yea, I've never experienced it: whether it was cheating on someone or being cheated on. However, from my POV, even though I'm not "super emotional" I'm incredibly empathetic with/around people to the point I don't think I could ever cheat on someone.
Again, my point is just I don't know why a person would knowingly "be other guy/girl" in an affair with someone who was married. I don't think I could knowingly do it. I'd honestly have to be drunk to do it or have had the worst day known to man.
My problem I guess is I don't know how one can divorce themselves from feeling like shit for having an affair with a married person. For me, that's something that'd bother me. Maybe not in the moment, but down the line.
Different strokes for different folks I guess.
Nothing is worse than our own judgments of ourselves honestly. That I think we can all agree on.
I honestly can't say I'd never cheat. There are different levels and life, as it is, just has shit that happens. Sometimes unexpectedly. We all have regrets.
Nothing good ever comes from cheating. Humans are emotional creatures though. I understand that. Even the ones like me who aren't "bam! emotional" types.
And I am aware everyone's life is different and judging and assumption making is a cruel and selfish process, but betrayals of trust, especially intimate trust, are some of the hardest things to come to terms with. So while it probably isn't fair to "judge the cheaters" it isn't fair to judge the judgers as well as they have experiences you've never experienced as well that was led to their beliefs.
Quote by MadMartigan
And I am aware everyone's life is different and judging and assumption making is a cruel and selfish process, but betrayals of trust, especially intimate trust, are some of the hardest things to come to terms with. So while it probably isn't fair to "judge the cheaters" it isn't fair to judge the judgers as well as they have experiences you've never experienced as well that was led to their beliefs.
What a loaded thread over just six words. I suppose having an opinion that falls on one side of the discussion is a judgement in and of itself.
Constant Gardener
Quote by Kristind
At the risk of getting piled on I just wanted to add...there once was a time when more marriages survived than failed. When cheating wasn't a norm or expected (50/50) outcome in a relationship.
That time was about 40 years before you were even thought of being conceived, yet alone born.
Times change and evolve... Some attitudes don't. Stay safe in niceville.
Or...
Take your life into your own hands and be happy.
The same GQP demanding we move on from January 6th, 2021 is still doing audits of the November 3rd, 2020 election.
Quote by WellMadeMale
That time was about 40 years before you were even thought of being conceived, yet alone born.
Times change and evolve... Some attitudes don't. Stay safe in niceville.
Or...
Take your life into your own hands and be happy.
Niceville has all the dangers, pitfalls, sarcasms, indifferences and possibilities as Whoville, Nastyville, Lustville or Idon'tgiveadamnville. It's a sad day when it comes down to justifying oneself for sticking up for 'making the right decisions". For being responsible to the promises or vows or contracts that one, or someone else, makes.
Kristin<<<<Snuggling up with the my pillow and shitty football game in "Niceville".
Quote by Kristind
OMG! So, let me get this straight. "I fucked her but I make love to you" is the the balance of what should be considered when a SO has crossed the boundaries of an exclusive relationship? Seriously?
Or "I must tell you something, at this conference I attended, I met this man, one thing led to another and we had sex. I will never meet him again and I love only you"
Women have sex outside of marriage almost or just as much as men.
If my wife stopped loving me or wanted to leave me for another man, I would be devastated. If she had a fling and was open about it and still loved only me, I would not let that ruin our relation. But it would need open communication. Lying and deception will be very damaging to a relation.
I do have a strong suspicion that this would not be the same the other way around, that my wife would get very hurt if I did this, and that it would have a negative effect on our marriage (she would not leave me though, I think). I dont want to hurt her and I want our relationship to stay good. Therefore I have never cheated and never will.
But I still wonder, What is the big deal? Why do we let the sex act be so important in a question where deception, lying and emotional involvment with other would be the real dangerous issues.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by PersonalAssistant
I was a mistress (not the bdsm kind) for 3.5 years ....... although there were great moments, essentially it's time one has wasted. Once those years are gone, they are gone. I could have, perhaps, met someone who was available and developed a long term relationship. Instead ... 3.5 years later .... or even 10 years later ... I have nothing.
I would not recommend it to anyone, unless it's just sex. If there are any emotions that develop ...... well, someone is gonna get fucked, and it's not pretty.
agreed completely
Active Ink Slinger
we all have flings - at least the men i know mostly have had an affair.
someone once said we should accept the fact that males by nature are polygamous, and the female are monogamous.
this does not condone the illegitimacy of an affair, and those who have been in an affair, know the pain one goes through to conceal the liaison is in itself a strain that gets unbearable and often leads to a break up of the affair.
even sex is not the binding force...... and its less than seldom that one finds someone that is worth giving up a life to start a new one!
the rest is in the details!
someone once said we should accept the fact that males by nature are polygamous, and the female are monogamous.
this does not condone the illegitimacy of an affair, and those who have been in an affair, know the pain one goes through to conceal the liaison is in itself a strain that gets unbearable and often leads to a break up of the affair.
even sex is not the binding force...... and its less than seldom that one finds someone that is worth giving up a life to start a new one!
the rest is in the details!
Quote by Elling50
Or "I must tell you something, at this conference I attended, I met this man, one thing led to another and we had sex. I will never meet him again and I love only you"
But I still wonder, What is the big deal? Why do we let the sex act be so important in a question where deception, lying and emotional involvment with other would be the real dangerous issues.
Then, I think I'd have to ask just what does love mean to you? A weak 'moment' that leads to physical intimacy that is supposed to be reserved for the SO versus, undoubtedly, the many moments that were resisted by the SO. Sorry, in my mind that is a breach of love and no doubt trust. If it happened this time, what makes either party secure enough to believe that will never happen again.
Life is all about decisions.
Rookie Scribe
Is It possible to love 2 women at the same time?
Quote by LadyX
=d>
I'm one of those under 30 year olds, yet I'd like to say I understand what you're saying in a crystal clear way. And I'll take it step further. Nobody notices the gleam in a man's eye and thinks, "In two months I'll get high and fuck a co-worker behind his back." Nobody thinks, "this is doomed from the start, I'm effectively leading him down a path toward heartbreak." Maybe if we were smarter or more self-aware, we'd see those sorts of things coming (especially the latter), but we don't. We have baggage, not to blame it on that, but our pasts do inform our future. They're either assets or they're things we have to try to overcome, with varying levels of success.
Feelings aren't logical, neither are hormones. Of course cheating is bad, so is murder, and so is tax fraud. Here's a cookie for that blanket assessment. Only a true sociopath would be unmoved by the collateral damage of infidelity. Yet, we can't deny that it's overwhelmingly the product of happenstance, borne either out of carelessness or found at the end of a winding and misleading emotional path.
It's easy to judge. Cheating is one of those easy 'black/white' issues to render judgment on from the outside. Cheaters are bad/hurtful/sociopathic/selfish etc., we can all nod our heads. Does that make anyone feel better to say?
I've cheated. More than once. Throw all the stones you want, call me a homewrecker, get lost in a fit of self-righteousness- whatever. I have my reasons, and my circumstances, which led to my decisions, none of which would excuse my actions nor anyone else's. I'm not proud of a lot of things I've done, so if it makes anyone feel better for declaring their loss of respect for us, the unclean philanderers among the rest of you, then do what you have to do. Hopefully it brings you peace, and you'll always be 'right' from an objective point of view.
But see, that's the thing- instances of cheating are never objective. As Mazza so eloquently said, all kinds of factors come into play anytime anyone cheats on a partner. There aren't just mitigating circumstances involved; the whole damn situation is a confluence of highly personal circumstances.
I'll add the obligatory "I'm not harshing on anyone in particular" disclaimer here. I'm reacting only to prevailing attitude, not to people. It's the attitude that's so easy to represent, but in doing so, is so blind to circumstance as well as improperly dismissive of people who end up in these scenarios.
That sure is a mouthful of 'in your face and I don't give a damn'.
Feelings/hormones/happenstance!
Happenstance?
Cheating is a product of happenstance? And then you follow it up with the great qualifier that it's easy to judge. Yeah go ahead and throw your stones. Murder is bad. Tax fraud is bad. Cheating is bad.
The big difference is murder gets a prison sentence. Tax fraud is judged in many ways and all of them with some kind of penalty. Cheating is not judged this way in a court of law. What court of law? There is no court of law except for the divorce court as lives are turned on their ear and ruined.
The superior attitude is easy to flaunt simply because there is no court except for the public court.
But what it boils down to is if you don't pay your car bill - you end up losing your car. If you you run a red light - either you get a ticket or wipe your brow that you got away with that one. You abuse your kids - society gets involved to protect them and deal with you one way or another.
Cheating? Go ahead and throw your stones you judgmental assholes! Thats just a result of feelings or hormones or happenstance.
No Lady X...cheating is an aspect of character. Or lack of it. Plain and simple.
I know. I was always faithful in my relationships until I cheated on the one woman that I never wanted to lose. My audacious attitude, and yes, it was audacious, that I could get some instant gratification and I could get away with the transgression brought on the most hurtful events of my life as I lost that woman and hurt my kids, not birthed by that woman but the kids loved her just the same.
What it boiled down to was nothing more and nothing less than a lack of character in the moment. A failure to control my feelings - in the moment. Those posting on here and taking the side of "Yeah, I've cheated but don't judge me" or "go ahead and throw your stones" or "yeah, she needed dick so don't be a fucktard and I won't have to dick her" are the ones who simply don't care about their responsibility for their own personal egregious decisions...
...because, it's all happenstance and hormones, right?
No.
The choices we make...in the moment...are the deciding factors of what kind of character we have or...lack.
It's easy to sit back and judge others behaviors and say "I've never done that!". You might want to think about putting a "yet" behind that statement! In my opinion men are hard wired to go out and procreate the world, while women, after "catching her man", are content to sit back, build a home and raise a family, Two very different sets of chemestry at work here. I think that as long as sexual partners are attentive to each others needs, neither is likely to stray. It's when one partner becomes complacent in the relationship, that the other begings to feel neglected and begins to seek companionsghip elsewhere. No offence ladies, but it seems that a lot of women, at a certain age, after completeing the above mentioned ritual, begin to lose interest in sex, and become less willing to take care of her man's needs, That's men begin to stray. That can work both ways, by the way. As my Grandpa used to say "a fed dog, never strays." As I said earlier, this isn't always the case, some men are just wired to do the sexual dance whith.as many parteners as they can find. I think women are less inclined to have as many sexual partners as men are. Some women make it easy for a man to cheat if he has that desire. I was a professional rodeo cowboy for several and there were always the "buckle bunnies" as we called them, hanging around behind the chutes. They didn't seem to care if you were married or not, they just wanted to fuck a cowboy, and let you know it was there if you wanted it. I think alot of celebrities are faced with this situation, and sometimes, when you're on the road alot and get lonely, the temptation becomes too great to resist. Bottom line. as long as there are men and women, there are going to be affairs!
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by CarteBlanche
That sure is a mouthful of 'in your face and I don't give a damn'.
Feelings/hormones/happenstance!
Happenstance?
Cheating is a product of happenstance? And then you follow it up with the great qualifier that it's easy to judge. Yeah go ahead and throw your stones. Murder is bad. Tax fraud is bad. Cheating is bad.
The big difference is murder gets a prison sentence. Tax fraud is judged in many ways and all of them with some kind of penalty. Cheating is not judged this way in a court of law. What court of law? There is no court of law except for the divorce court as lives are turned on their ear and ruined.
The superior attitude is easy to flaunt simply because there is no court except for the public court.
But what it boils down to is if you don't pay your car bill - you end up losing your car. If you you run a red light - either you get a ticket or wipe your brow that you got away with that one. You abuse your kids - society gets involved to protect them and deal with you one way or another.
Cheating? Go ahead and throw your stones you judgmental assholes! Thats just a result of feelings or hormones or happenstance.
No Lady X...cheating is an aspect of character. Or lack of it. Plain and simple.
I know. I was always faithful in my relationships until I cheated on the one woman that I never wanted to lose. My audacious attitude, and yes, it was audacious, that I could get some instant gratification and I could get away with the transgression brought on the most hurtful events of my life as I lost that woman and hurt my kids, not birthed by that woman but the kids loved her just the same.
What it boiled down to was nothing more and nothing less than a lack of character in the moment. A failure to control my feelings - in the moment. Those posting on here and taking the side of "Yeah, I've cheated but don't judge me" or "go ahead and throw your stones" or "yeah, she needed dick so don't be a fucktard and I won't have to dick her" are the ones who simply don't care about their responsibility for their own personal egregious decisions...
...because, it's all happenstance and hormones, right?
No.
The choices we make...in the moment...are the deciding factors of what kind of character we have or...lack.
You're right, cheating is bad. Been there done that and I'm not proud of it. Most people don't cheat just for the sake of cheating. It's not like a cheater wakes up one morning and decides, "I'm gonna fuck around on my spouse today." Usually that decision comes after months or years of not getting fulfilled at home. Be it emotionally, sexually, or both. It is a choice, but sometimes the choices we make aren't so black and white.
You are free to judge me, I do it everyday. I know what I did was wrong, but I also know that if I had to do it all over again, I'd make the same choices. Many marriages are held together for financial reason, or children, or any number of other things. Marriages of convenience are common. Has my character taken a hit? Yes, in my own eyes it has. But my entire character is still in pretty good shape. We all make bad choices and then justify them in some way.
The problem with judgement is that it reflects just as badly on the judger as the judgee. Anyone that judges my character should have a spotless record of his/her own. If that person has not claimed all his income, cheated on an exam, driven a car when he's had one drink too many, etc... then he should keep his/her judgments to himself. It's ok to say to someone close to you, "dude, I know you're cheating on your wife. I think you should stop doing that until you're separated or divorced, it's unfair to Susie." Cautioning someone against falling down the rabbit hole is fine, but once judgments your ability to be heard is lost. Unless your plan all along is to just do damage.
In the end, the only judgment of character that really matters, is my own judgment of myself. Some very close friends can have input, they can be disappointed in my behavior, they can call me out. But ultimately, if they're judgmental about it they probably weren't as good a friend as I'd originally thought.
When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates
Quote by lafayettemister
You're right, cheating is bad. Been there done that and I'm not proud of it. Most people don't cheat just for the sake of cheating. It's not like a cheater wakes up one morning and decides, "I'm gonna fuck around on my spouse today." Usually that decision comes after months or years of not getting fulfilled at home. Be it emotionally, sexually, or both. It is a choice, but sometimes the choices we make aren't so black and white.
You are free to judge me, I do it everyday. I know what I did was wrong, but I also know that if I had to do it all over again, I'd make the same choices. Many marriages are held together for financial reason, or children, or any number of other things. Marriages of convenience are common. Has my character taken a hit? Yes, in my own eyes it has. But my entire character is still in pretty good shape. We all make bad choices and then justify them in some way.
The problem with judgement is that it reflects just as badly on the judger as the judgee. Anyone that judges my character should have a spotless record of his/her own. If that person has not claimed all his income, cheated on an exam, driven a car when he's had one drink too many, etc... then he should keep his/her judgments to himself. It's ok to say to someone close to you, "dude, I know you're cheating on your wife. I think you should stop doing that until you're separated or divorced, it's unfair to Susie." Cautioning someone against falling down the rabbit hole is fine, but once judgments your ability to be heard is lost. Unless your plan all along is to just do damage.
In the end, the only judgment of character that really matters, is my own judgment of myself. Some very close friends can have input, they can be disappointed in my behavior, they can call me out. But ultimately, if they're judgmental about it they probably weren't as good a friend as I'd originally thought.
You said, In the end, the only judgment of character that really matters, is my own judgment of myself.
You also said, You're right, cheating is bad. Been there done that and I'm not proud of it.
To finish it off, I know what I did was wrong, but I also know that if I had to do it all over again, I'd make the same choices.
I'm assuming you didn't caught at it...so why not do it all over again? Or you did get caught and were forgiven...with that kind of outcome why not do it all over again? Or you were caught and weren't forgiven...so why not do it all over again. Like carteblanche said...it comes down to character, or lack of it. Our brains are not wired to remember pain and I guess they're not wired to remember our lack of character, either.
I am NOT advocating laws to deal with cheaters but I'm going to say if there were and there was a penalty to accompany cheating on the contract you signed up for, there would probably be less cheating. In fact the entire approach to cheating would be looked at differently because this could land one in a situation they would actually have to pay for. Just like laws for murder, tax fraud, speeding, dui, jaywalking....etc.
You said, I know what I did was wrong, but I also know that if I had to do it all over again, I'd make the same choices.
Nope. No laws judging our character, even your own, even when you know it's wrong.
Sarcastic Coffee Aficionado
So, I now see that the judgment has changed from "how dare you" to ....... Having an affair is Lack of Character.
I see.
I think people need to be reminded that the initial questions were: a) if one had had an affair with a married man, and b) if you'd do it again - not, to those who abhor the idea of infidelity in marriage, who are single, or who have never done it or contemplated that situation in their own marriage.
So much of this thread has been character assassination by some pretty condescending comments to the "scum" who have answered the questions of the OP.
By the way LM ..... I thought your post was very telling of your situation .... *hugs .... life can become very difficult
On that note .... I'm done ...
I see.
Quote by drillsarge2
Have you had an affair with a married man? Was it something you would do again? How much are you willing to share? As one who has never had an affair in a lot of years of marriage, but has often considered it, I wonder...
I think people need to be reminded that the initial questions were: a) if one had had an affair with a married man, and b) if you'd do it again - not, to those who abhor the idea of infidelity in marriage, who are single, or who have never done it or contemplated that situation in their own marriage.
So much of this thread has been character assassination by some pretty condescending comments to the "scum" who have answered the questions of the OP.
By the way LM ..... I thought your post was very telling of your situation .... *hugs .... life can become very difficult
On that note .... I'm done ...
Sarcastic Coffee Aficionado
Quote by Kristind
I have re-read the posts and I'm sorry, but I can't find the word "scum" anywhere.
The word "scum" was my word .... as that is the only word I could come up with, with the feelings I got with a number of these condescending posts from those single, young, holier than thou replies.
Of course, neither you or others used the word "scum" ..... but it is apparent that "scum" was a relatively all-encompassing word to label those who gave their personal experience(s) to the OP. Just my take on some of those reply posts to the "scum". *smile
(This reminds me of the thread - Your Opinion on Abortion - those without compassion and who can't possible say - "I hope that never happens to me in my lifetime - but in the meantime, I am open-minded to the difficult situations of others")
Have a great evening, Miss.
Quote by Kristind
You said, In the end, the only judgment of character that really matters, is my own judgment of myself.
You also said, You're right, cheating is bad. Been there done that and I'm not proud of it.
To finish it off, I know what I did was wrong, but I also know that if I had to do it all over again, I'd make the same choices.
I'm assuming you didn't caught at it...so why not do it all over again? Or you did get caught and were forgiven...with that kind of outcome why not do it all over again? Or you were caught and weren't forgiven...so why not do it all over again. Like carteblanche said...it comes down to character, or lack of it. Our brains are not wired to remember pain and I guess they're not wired to remember our lack of character, either.
I am NOT advocating laws to deal with cheaters but I'm going to say if there were and there was a penalty to accompany cheating on the contract you signed up for, there would probably be less cheating. In fact the entire approach to cheating would be looked at differently because this could land one in a situation they would actually have to pay for. Just like laws for murder, tax fraud, speeding, dui, jaywalking....etc.
You said, I know what I did was wrong, but I also know that if I had to do it all over again, I'd make the same choices.
Nope. No laws judging our character, even your own, even when you know it's wrong.
I disagree with your belief that people would not do it if there were legal issues. People in the military DO have those issues but still cheat. (Yes, you can lose your military career and even rank becaus did it)
On that note - though I don't cheat, I'm glad were not punishing people for their emotions like you've pointed to. That's rather totalitarian and too loose to interpretation. Some people think An emotional relationship is cheating and others don't even consider sex outside of the marriage to be cheating if they're open about it.
murder and other things are wrong because it violates another person's rights. Having someone cleave to you alone isnt a right, it's a gift. Your body is yours to do with as you please and marriage doesn't alter that unless you want it to.
If anything, people shouldn't get married so hastily.
Aside that, chewing is a cause for divorce in which financial settlements are made, etc. that's not enough? It's quite a bit.
Quote by Metilda
I disagree with your belief that people would not do it if there were legal issues. People in the military DO have those issues but still cheat. (Yes, you can lose your military career and even rank becaus did it)
On that note - though I don't cheat, I'm glad were not punishing people for their emotions like you've pointed to. That's rather totalitarian and too loose to interpretation. Some people think An emotional relationship is cheating and others don't even consider sex outside of the marriage to be cheating if they're open about it.
murder and other things are wrong because it violates another person's rights. Having someone cleave to you alone isnt a right, it's a gift. Your body is yours to do with as you please and marriage doesn't alter that unless you want it to.
If anything, people shouldn't get married so hastily.
Aside that, chewing is a cause for divorce in which financial settlements are made, etc. that's not enough? It's quite a bit.
And I'm sure people in the military aren't losing their military careers because the JAG has much better things to concentrate on than infidelity. Especially in such a small but compact community as a military base. Aside from that, from my understanding of infidelity in the military, we wouldn't have much of a military left if they did lose their careers.
I also said that I am NOT (I even capitalized NOT to clearly state my position) advocating we make laws to deal with infidelity. I was only suggesting how different I think it would be if people were held responsible. There are magistrate and small claims courts in most every county of every state that deal with the sort of breach of contract this would fall under if there was a legal aspect to it.
I agree, if people didn't get married so hastily it would maybe curb the situation.
And I don't know what you are referring to about chewing being a cause for divorce and a financial settlement. Sorry.
Raised on Blackroot
Quote by PersonalAssistant
The word "scum" was my word .... as that is the only word I could come up with, with the feelings I got with a number of these condescending posts from those single, young, holier than thou replies.
Of course, neither you or others used the word "scum" ..... but it is apparent that "scum" was a relatively all-encompassing word to label those who gave their personal experience(s) to the OP. Just my take on some of those reply posts to the "scum". *smile
(This reminds me of the thread - Your Opinion on Abortion - those without compassion and who can't possible say - "I hope that never happens to me in my lifetime - but in the meantime, I am open-minded to the difficult situations of others")
Have a great evening, Miss.
Opinion noted. However, at the same time, nothing is worse than the holier than thou types from the older, "wiser", and more "experienced."
Age does not beget wisdom. Nor does it grant the right to marginalize the younger. Just like we aren't aware of your experiences, you are not aware of OUR experiences or the experiences of our friends and families and what we've had to deal with in that regard.
Sorry you feel like others are calling you "scum." But the question was experience with affairs. Most, if not all, answered that and then dug further into our belief regarding the subject. And no, I have and can never have much sympathy for those who knowingly enter affairs with kids involved or carry one out for years.
We all make mistakes. In the heat of the moment, who's to say what any of us would do. At the same time, continuing to go to that place is just...reeks of zero compassion for the wife or husband an individual is hurting each time the affair deepens.
Artistic Tart
Quote by CarteBlanche
That sure is a mouthful of 'in your face and I don't give a damn'.
Pretty much, captain.
Sarcastic Coffee Aficionado
Quote by MadMartigan
Sorry you feel like others are calling you "scum." But the question was experience with affairs. Most, if not all, answered that and then dug further into our belief regarding the subject. And no, I have and can never have much sympathy for those who knowingly enter affairs with kids involved or carry one out for years.
We all make mistakes. In the heat of the moment, who's to say what any of us would do. At the same time, continuing to go to that place is just...reeks of zero compassion for the wife or husband an individual is hurting each time the affair deepens.
well, M&M ... I stated very clearly on my first post that I DO NOT recommend it, per my own experience. Perhaps you are one who observes all the errors in the world, makes notes and never do those things. Some are that way .... others have to experience that fire to understand it burns.
As has been stated before, the circumstances of how these affairs start are often unsaid ..... in my case, I was single, dating, happy and I was pursued. Relentlessly pursued.
Did I care about his wife? As my therapist said .... his wife was/is HIS problem, not mine. I found out that she KNEW about his affair. Our affair broke off when I realized I was always going to be the side-dish. (btw .... they are still unhappily married, and I heard, he has another mistress - some guys are just like that, eh?) Emotionally it was like losing my beloved to death .... I was devastated. I was sick with sadness. One of the hardest events in my life. I moved. I changed jobs. I changed my last name. I lost "our" friends. I was the one that lost - lost more than you can observe here, and apparently without compassion, you'd never understand it.
So .... in looking at those who have done the "evil affair with a married man" in this thread, MOST say, don't do it ..... it always ends with someone hurt, and as a waste of time. Maybe some "observers" such as yourself will read this, have some compassion, and hope like hell they never feel my hurt or won't hurt their wife/girlfriend or the mistress with such selfishness.
Enjoy your football day, M&M.
Big-haired Bitch/Personality Hire
My opinion on cheating? It's bad. If you feel a need to do it, cut your losses and move on. Easier said than done on so many levels. Some people aren't strong enough to do that, but they're weak enough to cheat. Does this make them bad people? I'm not sure. I would venture to say that it very much depends on the circumstances. It does make them selfish. No matter how extreme or justifiable the situation is. It's selfish. Even if you trick yourself into believing you're withholding the truth to spare the feelings of another. Or holding on to family, etc. It's still all very selfish. Keeping up appearances and all that.
With all of that being said, I've been on only one side of the cheating coin. I've never cheated on anyone, but I have been the other woman. Both knowingly and unknowingly. The latter didn't feel too great, I'll tell you that. But the former, it gave me a rush. I won't lie. I can say I was young and stupid as a cop out. But I'm only 24. I'm still young...just not as stupid. I'm not making up excuses. But I had issues. Married men made me feel safe. We did our thing and they went back home to their wives and families and I did my own thing. I convinced myself it was better this way. No physical or emotional scars and I still got the 'intimacy' and 'closeness' I desired. This of course was a load of shit. But I was convinced that I was living the life. I'm not doing this to explain or justify what I've done, because I owe that to no one. I was weak. I was selfish. I don't think it speaks of my character. I did it out of a very vulnerable place and it made me feel strong. Ironically enough, the only time I was ever 'caught' was with a guy I didn't even know was married. Go fucking figure. Of course I was every bitch and slut and whatever else. Who knows? Maybe I was. None of that stuff really matters to me. That did snap me back to reality though, and I was done in that instant. With all of it. It's like something clicked in my mind and I was done. I flicked my apathy switch to 'off' and all of that shit came back to me at once. It was awful. All that guilt, shame, blah blah blah all coming down on me. It makes me cringe just typing about it. I'm not complaining...I deserved it. I'm not a glutton for punishment or anything, but I had that shit coming.
I think cheating in and of itself is a process. It's a selfish and lousy thing to do, there's no getting around that. But if there's no moment of reckoning and no moment of remorse, THAT'S when your character can be questioned. And I'm not just saying that because I had my moment of reckoning/remorse. I loathe cheating it for personal reasons, on both ends of the spectrum. I hated who I was when I was the other woman. I hated that by willingly being the other woman, I robbed myself of the right to be indignant or hurt when someone takes it upon themselves to cheat on me. But it was all an experience. You take from it what you can and you move on. There are always gonna be people who want to throw their stones and think they are right in doing so. Who knows? Maybe they are. It's human nature. We all have our moments of self-righteousness. That one thing that's just an unforgivable blight on someone else's character. So...c'est la vie.
This is really all I have to say about cheating as a whole.
With all of that being said, I've been on only one side of the cheating coin. I've never cheated on anyone, but I have been the other woman. Both knowingly and unknowingly. The latter didn't feel too great, I'll tell you that. But the former, it gave me a rush. I won't lie. I can say I was young and stupid as a cop out. But I'm only 24. I'm still young...just not as stupid. I'm not making up excuses. But I had issues. Married men made me feel safe. We did our thing and they went back home to their wives and families and I did my own thing. I convinced myself it was better this way. No physical or emotional scars and I still got the 'intimacy' and 'closeness' I desired. This of course was a load of shit. But I was convinced that I was living the life. I'm not doing this to explain or justify what I've done, because I owe that to no one. I was weak. I was selfish. I don't think it speaks of my character. I did it out of a very vulnerable place and it made me feel strong. Ironically enough, the only time I was ever 'caught' was with a guy I didn't even know was married. Go fucking figure. Of course I was every bitch and slut and whatever else. Who knows? Maybe I was. None of that stuff really matters to me. That did snap me back to reality though, and I was done in that instant. With all of it. It's like something clicked in my mind and I was done. I flicked my apathy switch to 'off' and all of that shit came back to me at once. It was awful. All that guilt, shame, blah blah blah all coming down on me. It makes me cringe just typing about it. I'm not complaining...I deserved it. I'm not a glutton for punishment or anything, but I had that shit coming.
I think cheating in and of itself is a process. It's a selfish and lousy thing to do, there's no getting around that. But if there's no moment of reckoning and no moment of remorse, THAT'S when your character can be questioned. And I'm not just saying that because I had my moment of reckoning/remorse. I loathe cheating it for personal reasons, on both ends of the spectrum. I hated who I was when I was the other woman. I hated that by willingly being the other woman, I robbed myself of the right to be indignant or hurt when someone takes it upon themselves to cheat on me. But it was all an experience. You take from it what you can and you move on. There are always gonna be people who want to throw their stones and think they are right in doing so. Who knows? Maybe they are. It's human nature. We all have our moments of self-righteousness. That one thing that's just an unforgivable blight on someone else's character. So...c'est la vie.
This is really all I have to say about cheating as a whole.
░P░U░S░S░Y░ ░I░N░ ░B░I░O░
Raised on Blackroot
Quote by slipperywhenwet2012
I think cheating in and of itself is a process. It's a selfish and lousy thing to do, there's no getting around that. But if there's no moment of reckoning and no moment of remorse, THAT'S when your character can be questioned. And I'm not just saying that because I had my moment of reckoning/remorse. I loathe cheating it for personal reasons, on both ends of the spectrum. I hated who I was when I was the other woman. I hated that by willingly being the other woman, I robbed myself of the right to be indignant or hurt when someone takes it upon themselves to cheat on me. But it was all an experience. You take from it what you can and you move on. There are always gonna be people who want to throw their stones and think they are right in doing so. Who knows? Maybe they are. It's human nature. We all have our moments of self-righteousness. That one thing that's just an unforgivable blight on someone else's character. So...c'est la vie.
This is really all I have to say about cheating as a whole.
That was a much better way to go about what I was trying to say, particularly when you have real tangible experience in the arena of cheating. I commend you. Again, all I'm saying in regards to cheating is that I find it hard to understand and that's because I can be empathetic to a fault and make myself sick over well....not what people necessarily think of me directly, but how they feel when I say or do a specific thing.
And I know many people hate moral relativism, but when it comes to a lot of morals outside of agreed upon societal norms, we all have a different code we live by. And I think it is important to respect that. Taking things personally all the time, especially other people's thoughts and opinions as a whole, just makes you sick. I know as I've experienced it before in the past and it isn't healthy in the slightest bit.
Wild at Heart
Quote by WellMadeMale
That time was about 40 years before you were even thought of being conceived, yet alone born.
Times change and evolve... Some attitudes don't. Stay safe in niceville.
Or...
Take your life into your own hands and be happy.
Y'all should listen. He was there.
