I would love to have a woman's honest point of view on my friendship with a work colleague.
I'm a 53 years old, very unhappily married man, who is just so deeply and madly in love with a work colleague of mine, who is in her late 30's, married, has one child and is now almost 8 months pregnant with her 2nd child.
We've worked together for almost 10 years now, and she has always known that I have had a big, big crush on her. I've always flirted a lot with her, which she seems to enjoy, and I've always told her that I love her, but always in a joking way, as I am fearful of her reaction were I to confess it to her in a very serious and sincere manner!
We are very good friends/colleagues, and I do everything I can to help and please her - though sometimes I get the impression she maybe takes advantage of this. I know she likes me as a person, but I don't necessarily think so in a romantic or sexual way. Before finding out she was pregnant again she joked about the fact that we should become casual lovers, but I didn't dare risk taking her seriously in case she was really just joking or mocking me.
Recently I also found out (she confessed it to me) that just before her getting pregnant, she had had an affair with another man, not for love but just because she just wanted to be courted, receive attention, feel young, alive and desirable again, given that her husband tended to neglect her in recent years. Her husband found out and forgave her betrayal, and now they're still together. I think another child was her husband's pre-condition for returning to her?!?
Her having had a love affair with another man, and not with me, really destroyed me deep down inside. It made me feel as if I wasn't good enough for her, and maybe that is precisely the case, after all, she is still young and beautiful and I'm maybe not up to her standards.
But I still love her profoundly, and I always will, and nothing she does could ever change that.
My question is, should I not just give up any hope of her ever loving me, and resign myself, painful as it may be for me, to the fact that we will only ever be friends???????
What is really eating me up inside is the thought of having to learn to live with myself for the rest of my life with the doubt of what might have been (but never was or perhaps was never meant to be)!!
Ps: Please tell me honestly what you think of my situation, I won't be offended if you think I'm just a silly old fool who should know better.
Thanks, Paulie
Big-haired Bitch/Personality Hire
Hate to be harsh, but yes. Let it go. It's not going to happen. She had every opportunity to have an affair with you...yet she had it with another man. Your flirting is just that. Flirting. All women do it...usually for an ego booster. But if nothing has come of it, nothing will. And if something does happen between the two of you, it will be just a meaningless affair, and it will hurt you even more.
░P░U░S░S░Y░ ░I░N░ ░B░I░O░
Thanks for being so frank, I appreciate it!! Deep down inside I know you're absolutely right!! But on the other hand, it's not so easy for the head to command the heart... but maybe it's time that I try. Grazie!!
Yes, I'd give up if I were you, and I think you're being played. She knows you want her but she's just teasing you, or keeping you on the 'fringe' of the friendship if she should want you in the future for something and I don't mean anything good. Who knows, maybe if you divorced your very unhappily married wife, you might appear more attractive to the opposite sex because you would be single.
Paulie, it occurs to me that you might not be down with homicide; and if you are, it's probably best that you say nothing...
But all kidding aside, I do think that the way she views you within her life is probably completely separate from who lives or dies. And based on the evidence, I wouldn't invest any further in hope that you two end up together.
Defending a guy who is obsessing over a married woman that is pregnant and also his coworker and also 20 years his junior is bordering on bad taste to be honest.
To be honest - the fact that she told you about her affair should be the big red flag for you. The fact that she had it is bad (for you), but her telling you basically says that she only sees you as a friend and isn't concerned about hurting your feelings or any resulting jealousy issues. Usually the only time we tell guys stuff like that is when we only see them in a platonic way and want guy advice or sympathy.
You need to move on emotionally. Working together is the bit that'll make it difficult but I don't see any real 'in' for you in this situation.
I have to say I agree with the other ladies here. It's best to cut your losses before they get any worse. At best she is using you and how you feel about her. I know it's is hard to hear and even harder to do but sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and do it.
Sex is emotion in motion.
Mae West
Paulie. Here's some more frank honesty:
Your married. Maybe you need to work on that. Fix your marriage or seek a divorce. THEN pursue relationships.
She doesn't take you seriously when it comes to the flirting and 'I love yous' because you're married and or because you two are coworkers, and she's married too.
She didn't consider having an affair with you because youre married and or because you're coworkers.
Her affair distraught you? How? Why? You are married. Maybe being in a broken marriage is the reason you have feelings for her. Perhaps if you worked through your broken marriage you'll find individuality, freedom, happiness and strength.
It makes no sense to WANT to be with someone (who is married) when you refuse to address your own broken relationship. How can someone advise you on how to pursue anything with her when you're not able to address problems with your wife? Is she miserable, too? Why is your marriage such a muck to you? Perhaps that needs some serious contemplation, too.
Affairs don't solve problems - they create problems.
Don't exist forever like you are now. Youre wasting your life. Time is short. Fix it or move on. Be respectful to the woman you married by leveling with her about how you feel.
If you were single I'd say "talk to her about it."