Ladies, I am 40 year old man married to a 35 year old woman for 15 years. Our sex life isn't dead, but it's definitely on life support. We have twin 4 year olds who start school this week. I am still very interested in sex with my wife, but her desire seems to have gone to next to nothing. We've talked to each other about it and we are at an impasse about where to go or to do at this point. She knows how I feel ( which is to have sex more than once every two months), but she says "I don't know how to be what you want me to be." I have no response to this. When we do have sex, it is very good to great, it's just that three, four, or five weeks pass before we do it again. Last year, we made love a total of 8 times for the entire year and this year isn't going much better. My question is there anything that she or I could do to help her to become more interested in sex again? She doesn't like how she is and doesn't like how it makes me feel. She is on birth control and an antidepressant medication(I've researched the ad and it usually makes women more interested in sex, so I don't think that's it.) She has also stated that she isn't looking for anyone else(neither am I). We have tried reading erotica which didn't work, and I don't want to put so much pressure on her that she just gives in to please me, I want her to want me and this. I just don't know what to do to help or if there is anything that I can do. Serious responses please. I am open to any suggestions and appreciate any efforts.
Thanks
How was sex when you were dating and you first got married? Something has changed to make her not so interested. There is probably no romance in her life. Try to remember how you treated her before you got married. Guys forget the little things that us women love. A love note hidden in the jewelry box. Flowers for no reason. A call from work or to her work just to say hi. Ask her out on a date and you make the plans and arrange for the babysitter. If you think of how you can put romance back in your marriage then things should improve.
I'm not trying to be rude but, what about your physical appearance. Did you gain/loose a lot of weight. Do you dress sloppy when your home. What about your breath or body odor? I dated this really sexy guy once but his breath smelled like sewer gas and it was a deal breaker. When couples are together a long time they get comfortable doing things that they would never do when they were dating. Belching in her presence or similar body noises are not conducive to sexual arousal. I can only speak from my experience but I like to be loved, romanced, complimented on my looks and I like to know you think of me when we are apart.
I think Lisad83 makes some good points, Feeling desired is a great aphrodisiac just as you want her to "want sex" if she doesn't feel desired its a none starter. You may also think about hormone replacement have you spoken to a Dr.? . She may also have "mommy" syndrome I cant do all those dirty things I'm a mom now what would my children think, read a romance instead of erotica it may spark those feelings she had "way back when" (works for me sometimes). Just a couple of things to try, We all hope it works out for you GOOD LUCK!!!
As for the anti-depressant, just because it might be known to have a side effect for one person, does't mean it's the same for another person. I would ask her to check with the doctor who prescribed this medication for her. It could be as simple as that. In my opinion, a full blood test would also help, including hormone levels. Often this can be the case for a lack of libido. It's worth looking into right?
Yes - it can be caused by the meds which alter your body chemistry.
A lack of interest is also a side effect of depression as well.
When did she start dealing with depression? Right after your child was born? It's possible that hormonal imbalances are wreaking havoc on her body - causing depression, knocking out her interest otherwise.
How were things before your son was born? How was she? People tend to not realize that the physical act of being pregnant cn alter who you are completely.
It could be the bc pills too. I HATED how I felt when I was on the pill. My libido was NON-EXISTENT when I took it. Doesn't seem a good trade off at all. It's worth a trip to the dr. to ask for alternatives. Your wife is at her peak at her age....it's a shame you guys aren't having a ball right now. My sex drive went into hyper-drive at 36. Don't give up...Life's too short for you both. Good luck.
I agree with bubblymagee. It's different for everyone, but it's quite common for birth control to lower the libido, being that it chemically fucks with everything that makes us horny.
It seems like the issues don't stem from any particular issue with you, but I'm sure it's still a blow to your ego nonetheless. Just stick it out for now until her medical needs are properly tended to. I know all of this is easier said than done, but these things take time and can't be rushed.
Well, patience is important. I've had a similar problem with my girlfriend from time to time. I don't think you should just wait it out, but exercising a degree of tact and patience is important. It's also important to know the following thins: women often enjoy sex if they don't have an orgasm, and the pressure to have one can be a turn off (not saying you're necessarily doing that, but it's the way it is for many relationships). Also, sometimes my partner (or I) will take part in sex even if we're not in the mood because we want to please the other. For us, and for many women that's not a big deal, and the pressure to want sex can when we're willing to please our partners or even want to, that can also be a pretty significant libido crusher.
The anti-depressants and birth control can absolutely affect a woman's sex drive negatively. It's good to keep in mind that for every common side effect most medications have, there's an equal and opposite side effect that affects a much smaller, but not necessarily insignificant percentage. I suspect that if you're in love as you seem to be, then it's something that can be worked out. Perhaps not easily, but I'm sure it would be worthwhile and I bet your wife thinks the same thing.
One more thing. Typical (or traditional, if you prefer) intercourse puts MUCH more stress on the female body than a man's. If you got fucked in the ass every time you had sex you'd be less likely to want to do it routinely also, even if you absolutely love getting pounded anally. I realize that it's a flawed metaphor since the vagina is far more resilient than the anus, but it's still a degree of wear and tear that can build up to soreness or outright pain. I suggest that you think about other types of sex if you haven't already. A blowjob is much easier for most women, and many of us really enjoy giving them. It's still a penetrative form of sex, but the potential for physical damage is dramatically lowered unless you grab her head and fuck her face, though the psychological stress of penetration remains. If that doesn't work, handjobs and other manual stimulation can work. Toys can work for men and women, and rather than tell you all about that I'll just refer you to about 40% of the internet. Failing those ideas, masturbating together, or having her touch you and/or just cuddle a bit while you work on yourself, having her jump in occasionally can be very satisfying for couples. Chances are she wants you to feel satisfied and would be willing to try a number of these things. Hope that's helpful.
Other options include a fully or partially open relationship - although I realize the scheduling of having young children creates many difficulties with that lifestyle, even if your wife is so inclined. Also, novelty in the bedroom (or other rooms) can be arousing to many of us. Changes in location, equipment, number of partners can be great if both (or all) parties are into it.
Finally, it's also possible that she has a deeply engrained fetish that is either more recently acquired than your marriage, or is just now surfacing/she's becoming more and more aware of it, but doesn't want to tell you because she's embarrassed or worried about being judged. Even in a safe, trusting relationship, that's entirely possible. Sometimes that fear is based on something minor (or major) that happened and a mind latches onto, a childhood trauma or shame, and it could be totally baseless and irrational, but that doesn't render it meaningless.
In conclusion, it's a complicated matter, and I've covered only some of the more common solutions and potential causes. I hope this helps.
Date her.
Touch her in innocent places (the wrist, the arm, small of her back) in places where she knows you are not trying to get her into bed (out food shopping etc) bring the romantic touches.
If she is game, go chat to her doctor about the mixture of prescriptions she is on and see if that is also being unhelpful to her in this regard.
Google all the foods that help woman feel sexy (we have quiet a few little helpers)
Its not uncommon for a woman to go off sex after pregnancy (especially if it was a hard delivery). you may also find she just needs a break ( as a mother to a 3 year old boy whom is always wanting to be cuddled etc, I find I get weary of all the attention the other children and hubby needs from me).
Good Luck with this, I truly hope it gets sorted as you sound like a very loving devoted Hubby (precious gift)
