Ok, So my boyfriend of 6 years just confessed to me that he's bisexual. Yesterday I found out that my boyfriend has been having sex with another guy, who he works with. The other guy also has a girlfriend.
He tells me it was just something he wanted to try and enjoyed doing, but ultimately he now knows he wanted to be with me.
I can't help but feel like the man I knew was a lie, and that the 6 years together with him was not the real him.
That all he was thinking about was being with a man.
What do I do?
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My Boyfriend
Active Ink Slinger
Shit, Phee.....hope you are ok.
Dump his arse, you deserve better.
That said, relationships are more complicated than the simplicity of such an answer - still he's spent all that time lying / hiding something from you and when his desires became more evident didn't feel he could trust his relationship to discuss with you about exploring the possibility of seeing others to make it work. Monogamy is a crappy social construct and for the most part I generally believe a strong couple can reason to see other people outside of their relationships if their needs aren't met - bisexual or otherwise - but he's done it with deceit and not with honesty.
I'm not faultless and am an extremely forgiving person but I was lied to for only a matter of months and couldn't handle all the wonders about how much of our relationship was a lie and if things that had been said to me were real. I walked away knowing that if it was right and if the feelings were there we'd find our way back. Maybe separation and time apart to think about it is an option for you too? I'm sorry you're going through this.
That said, relationships are more complicated than the simplicity of such an answer - still he's spent all that time lying / hiding something from you and when his desires became more evident didn't feel he could trust his relationship to discuss with you about exploring the possibility of seeing others to make it work. Monogamy is a crappy social construct and for the most part I generally believe a strong couple can reason to see other people outside of their relationships if their needs aren't met - bisexual or otherwise - but he's done it with deceit and not with honesty.
I'm not faultless and am an extremely forgiving person but I was lied to for only a matter of months and couldn't handle all the wonders about how much of our relationship was a lie and if things that had been said to me were real. I walked away knowing that if it was right and if the feelings were there we'd find our way back. Maybe separation and time apart to think about it is an option for you too? I'm sorry you're going through this.
Advanced Wordsmith
Maybe this will help, maybe it won't. I have struggled to come to terms with my own bisexuality the past few years. For whatever reasons, I did not feel safe in telling the woman I had a LTR with because I feared she would struggle with it as she is quite conservative and reserved when it comes to sexuality and intimacy. (We had to keep then lights off when we had sex). So, for years, I simply squashed the desires and thoughts I had and told myself that they were wrong. I tried hard to ignore them.
Then I met a woman whom, for whatever reason, I felt completely comfortable with...so I told her. I felt like I needed to get it off my chest so to speak. Her reaction was incredible. Not only did she not judge me, she encouraged me. To top it off, she wanted to participate. Win-Win-Win. I have since terminated my LTR and am now dating the supportive woman, and I feel so much more at ease and less stressed out. I never gay-cheated on my former LTR woman, because that is just wrong and hurtful. However, I never liked keeping things from her and that is like lying by omission.
Where, on one hand, you can be thankful he finally told you and felt comfortable enough to do so, it doesn't change the fact that he cheated on you and lied to you. If he could do it once...he can do it again...and most likely will do it again.
Keep your eyes forward and be appreciative of the experiences and growth you made with him, but move on. You will both be happier in the end.
Then I met a woman whom, for whatever reason, I felt completely comfortable with...so I told her. I felt like I needed to get it off my chest so to speak. Her reaction was incredible. Not only did she not judge me, she encouraged me. To top it off, she wanted to participate. Win-Win-Win. I have since terminated my LTR and am now dating the supportive woman, and I feel so much more at ease and less stressed out. I never gay-cheated on my former LTR woman, because that is just wrong and hurtful. However, I never liked keeping things from her and that is like lying by omission.
Where, on one hand, you can be thankful he finally told you and felt comfortable enough to do so, it doesn't change the fact that he cheated on you and lied to you. If he could do it once...he can do it again...and most likely will do it again.
Keep your eyes forward and be appreciative of the experiences and growth you made with him, but move on. You will both be happier in the end.
Thanks everyone for the amazing advice, I feel like I've just wasted a massive part of my life. Unfortunately I'm back to being single. Still upset and crying all the time, but I agree it was the only choice I could make because he's destroyed my heart and my life
IAMLOVE I'm defiantly getting an STD check and cutting all ties with him..
IAMLOVE I'm defiantly getting an STD check and cutting all ties with him..
Active Ink Slinger
As a mere male, here's my 
I've been in a similar situation where my female partner, at the time, told me she was having a relationship with another lady.
To some extent there was a certain degree of emotional devastation at this news.
So there's two (2) sides to most coins.
I've been in a similar situation where my female partner, at the time, told me she was having a relationship with another lady.
To some extent there was a certain degree of emotional devastation at this news.
So there's two (2) sides to most coins.
Active Ink Slinger
Phoebe,
It sounds to me like part of your relationship was based on ownership. He was YOUR boyfriend and you were HIS girlfriend. To me, this is an unhealthy way to go through life. Each of us is 100% responsible for our own happiness. Delegating that to anyone else is often frustrating and misplaced. He is still who he was before. If you cannot accept that, it is on you, not him.
It sounds to me like part of your relationship was based on ownership. He was YOUR boyfriend and you were HIS girlfriend. To me, this is an unhealthy way to go through life. Each of us is 100% responsible for our own happiness. Delegating that to anyone else is often frustrating and misplaced. He is still who he was before. If you cannot accept that, it is on you, not him.
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"insensitive prick!" – Danielle Algo
Everyone has secrets to some extend. If the guy really loved you then you spend 6 years with the real him. Where he went wrong was by cheating on you though, not by being bi. A straight man might have been attracted to someone else too.
=== Not ALL LIVES MATTER until BLACK LIVES MATTER ===
Active Ink Slinger
I am a bisexual woman, and I am in an open relationship. This does not mean I screw anyone I choose, it means that I have lovers other than my wife, and so does she. We talk openly about our desires, and when we got together agreed that if one of us was uncomfortable about a potential lover for the other, we could say No. If Kim were to tell me No regarding someone I was thinking about, I would respect that, because I respect her. In our situation, with the openness we share, the betrayal of cheating would be devastating. Because no matter what kind of relationship you are in, if one person breaks the rules, what they are saying is that they chose their own desires over their relationship, and that means that they cannot be trusted.
Which is my long winded way of saying that I agree with you and what you did. Breaking up with someone who confesses they have cheated is absolutely the right thing to do, because the very fact that he cheated shows that he was more interested in doing what he wanted than talking to you openly about it BEFORE taking action. You deserve better. I hope that you find someone new who respects you and is truly interested in being in an honest relationship with you.
Which is my long winded way of saying that I agree with you and what you did. Breaking up with someone who confesses they have cheated is absolutely the right thing to do, because the very fact that he cheated shows that he was more interested in doing what he wanted than talking to you openly about it BEFORE taking action. You deserve better. I hope that you find someone new who respects you and is truly interested in being in an honest relationship with you.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by Pheobe
Ok, So my boyfriend of 6 years just confessed to me that he's bisexual. Yesterday I found out that my boyfriend has been having sex with another guy, who he works with. The other guy also has a girlfriend.
Well, I agree with most of the comments here. He was not truthful about who he was. I mean at first in your relationship I can see where that might have been something he was unwilling to share because he wasn't sure your reaction and I can understand that. But 6 years, how long does it take to trust your partner. In essence he not only cheated, but he lied about who he really was. Trust can be given easily when you are first together, you believe the partner you have chosen will be honest and forthcoming, but after 6 years it should have already either been discussed or forgotten, to be honest in your relationship. I think you should have left him and let him figure out his life. You need to live yours as well.
Quote by 69Kisses96
Phoebe,
It sounds to me like part of your relationship was based on ownership. He was YOUR boyfriend and you were HIS girlfriend. To me, this is an unhealthy way to go through life. Each of us is 100% responsible for our own happiness. Delegating that to anyone else is often frustrating and misplaced. He is still who he was before. If you cannot accept that, it is on you, not him.
I am confused I do not see any ownership proclaimed, saying 'my boyfriend' is not ownership, should she have called him just the guy I am seeing? I agree with what you said about being responsible for your own happiness, but I do not see that this is about that at all. She wasn't expecting him to make her happy, just to be truthful and of course not cheat. He is NOT who he pretended to be, he was not being who he was. We are always told that sexual preference is not a choice it is WHO YOU ARE, so by hiding that from her for so long he was not being who he is. You seem to be making the assumption that her problem is with him being bi, I don't see that. She, to me, is upset because he lied and withheld something important, then on top of that, he cheated. Would your opinion be different had he cheated with a woman? She never said she couldn't accept him being bi, she couldn't accept the lying and cheating. How is that on her and not him?
Quote by noll
Everyone has secrets to some extend. If the guy really loved you then you spend 6 years with the real him. Where he went wrong was by cheating on you though, not by being bi. A straight man might have been attracted to someone else too.
I really don't see that she is upset about him being bi, I don't know, but that is something that could possibly have been worked out, had he been honest in the first place. The fact that he is bi is not the issue, at least from my pov. I do agree where he went wrong was cheating, but also believe he should have by now at least talked to her about his desires.
It seems that the word bi has somehow changed what this is. How? He lied and cheated. Whether he is bi or straight why should she accept that? I think that Phoebe needs to be praised for taking a stand for herself.
PS I completely agree with Rach ...... At least the other girlfriend should know, so she can make an informed choice.
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Quote by Liz
Dump him.
Then fuck the other guy's girlfriend.
I agree with this
Active Ink Slinger
What is bothering you, the fact that he has been lying or him being bi? If you are not ok with any part of this then you should part ways. He told you probably hoping that you will leave him and he will have more time with his fuck buddh
"insensitive prick!" – Danielle Algo
Quote by GabrielSweet
I really don't see that she is upset about him being bi, I don't know, but that is something that could possibly have been worked out, had he been honest in the first place. The fact that he is bi is not the issue, at least from my pov. I do agree where he went wrong was cheating, but also believe he should have by now at least talked to her about his desires.
It seems that the word bi has somehow changed what this is. How? He lied and cheated. Whether he is bi or straight why should she accept that? I think that Phoebe needs to be praised for taking a stand for herself.
I got her being upset about him being bi from:
Quote by Pheobe
I can't help but feel like the man I knew was a lie, and that the 6 years together with him was not the real him.
That all he was thinking about was being with a man.
Anyway, coming out can be very hard. And the guy did eventually come out to her: so far so good. Unfortunately he also cheated on her: not good.
=== Not ALL LIVES MATTER until BLACK LIVES MATTER ===
69Kisses96 . Our relationship wasn't built on ownership.. It was built with love and hard work over 6 years. Your right He was my boyfriend and I was his loving girlfriend..
Fact I'm bisexual and I was with another girl before dating my x boyfriend , so him being bisexual doesn't both me, its that he couldn't tell me and the fact he was cheating being my back maybe if it was once I could forgive him, as I really want too, but for 3 years behind my back how can you build the trust again?
Maybe with honest we could have worked something out or even took a break to see what we both wanted. I know I loved him I was planning on having kids with him someday, but he was planning something different..
Fact I'm bisexual and I was with another girl before dating my x boyfriend , so him being bisexual doesn't both me, its that he couldn't tell me and the fact he was cheating being my back maybe if it was once I could forgive him, as I really want too, but for 3 years behind my back how can you build the trust again?
Maybe with honest we could have worked something out or even took a break to see what we both wanted. I know I loved him I was planning on having kids with him someday, but he was planning something different..