I don't think the sex with my gf is bad, but we've been together a long time and I want to mix things up. When we first got together and were getting to know each other in the bed, she seemed open to trying new things. Every time I suggest adding anything to the routine, she passes on it or says 'maybe next time.' I suggested we try some soft bondage stuff, tie up or restrain and blindfold, she wasn't comfortable being tied or blindfolded, I said she can tie my hands up and blindfold me, and do whatever. 'Oh I don't know maybe some other time' that was two years ago. It's practically the same with anything I suggest. I don't know if I should give up and just take the plain vanilla foreplay, oral, intercourse, cum, sleep sex we're having or if I'm going about my wants in the bedroom the wrong way.
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I want to be more adventurous, but my gf wants to stay vanilla...
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Active Ink Slinger
this sounds like it is heading for the difficult "which is more important to me" moment.
sorry, i know how bad that moment sucks.
sorry, i know how bad that moment sucks.
Quote by bustyreadhead
this sounds like it is heading for the difficult "which is more important to me" moment.
sorry, i know how bad that moment sucks.
Well there will be a talk like that soon, but it won't be something relationship ending. We have a good relationship and like I said the sex is fine for what it is. I just want to try some new things, maybe we'll like them, maybe we won't. At least if we tried something and her or I weren't into it, then that can be that. I'm just getting tired of, like today, where I waited till she left for work and then used her dildo, it's something I'm kinda into and would like to share it with her, instead of having to hide it from her.
Active Ink Slinger
Hi, difficult situation for (the both of) you!
Think you maybe better stop giving new suggestions because they seem to make her feel uncomortable or maybe even uninterested.
Tell her how you feel about it and ask her what she would like to spice it up. Refer to the things you have suggested and try to let her tell you why she doesnt like (seem to like) to do them/ try them out.
Does she want to spice things up, and if not, why?
Is she insecure, did her body change over the years and does that make her feel unattractive for example?
Do you tell her how attractive she is to you etc? Do you try to make her feel safe, sexy and comfortable?
Try to communicate open and don't 'attack' her because it is such a sensetive subject.
Good luck, hope you will sort things out together!
Think you maybe better stop giving new suggestions because they seem to make her feel uncomortable or maybe even uninterested.
Tell her how you feel about it and ask her what she would like to spice it up. Refer to the things you have suggested and try to let her tell you why she doesnt like (seem to like) to do them/ try them out.
Does she want to spice things up, and if not, why?
Is she insecure, did her body change over the years and does that make her feel unattractive for example?
Do you tell her how attractive she is to you etc? Do you try to make her feel safe, sexy and comfortable?
Try to communicate open and don't 'attack' her because it is such a sensetive subject.
Good luck, hope you will sort things out together!
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Lessons from a Naugthy Nurse: Scott learns all about oral sex from his nurse
I hate to say this, but I see big trouble ahead if something doesn't change. If she is repeatedly declining to try anything new, then the sex is going to get very stale very quickly. You should not give up - if you do, you are resigning yourself to the same style of sex for as long as you are with her. Imagine how you will feel 5 years down the road, or 10, or 20.
Try having a talk with her. Ask her to be specific about why she is not interested in the things you suggest. You say you asked about light bondage and she said "maybe some other time" two years ago. I hope you have brought it up again since then. Nobody wants to be harassed every day about trying something new in bed, but it is perfectly acceptable, in fact it is good, to bring it up periodically. Opinions can change once people have time to think about something for a while. Plus, it will clue her in to how important this is to you. Make sure she understands that this is important to you. If she thinks it is just some passing thought you had, she may never make an effort to be more adventurous.
Ask her if there is anything she would like to try instead. If she is unwilling to openly discuss this and you can't reach some type of agreement you are both happy with, then you should very seriously think about whether this relationship has any long term potential. I'm not saying sex is everything...it is clearly not...but it is VERY important in a romantic relationship. Without good sex and good communication, couples can easily drift apart.
Lots of people have something they are not interested in trying, but if there is a whole laundry list and they want just plain vanilla and you want something more, then you are sexually incompatible. Lots of people have ended relationships over this issue. But have a heart to heart talk first. Try to work it out. Whatever you do, don't just remain quiet and pretend the problem doesn't exist. It won't get any better on its own.
Try having a talk with her. Ask her to be specific about why she is not interested in the things you suggest. You say you asked about light bondage and she said "maybe some other time" two years ago. I hope you have brought it up again since then. Nobody wants to be harassed every day about trying something new in bed, but it is perfectly acceptable, in fact it is good, to bring it up periodically. Opinions can change once people have time to think about something for a while. Plus, it will clue her in to how important this is to you. Make sure she understands that this is important to you. If she thinks it is just some passing thought you had, she may never make an effort to be more adventurous.
Ask her if there is anything she would like to try instead. If she is unwilling to openly discuss this and you can't reach some type of agreement you are both happy with, then you should very seriously think about whether this relationship has any long term potential. I'm not saying sex is everything...it is clearly not...but it is VERY important in a romantic relationship. Without good sex and good communication, couples can easily drift apart.
Lots of people have something they are not interested in trying, but if there is a whole laundry list and they want just plain vanilla and you want something more, then you are sexually incompatible. Lots of people have ended relationships over this issue. But have a heart to heart talk first. Try to work it out. Whatever you do, don't just remain quiet and pretend the problem doesn't exist. It won't get any better on its own.
Why bondage?
That's not something that MOST people are interested in. That's only for a select few. It takes a relaxed atmosphere and trust at first. It's a mega step. To a lot of people that's not spice, that's submission, and it can be uncomfortable or scary.
When you said 'I want to spice things up' I imagined the use of toys, ice, going outside, public fun. Bondage did not come to mind.
Odds are it doesn't come to her mind, either. What are her views in that sort of thing? Have you even talked about it? Just a conversation about interests in sex without you trying to pressure her into agreeing to anything?
So that makes me want to ask you: what is vanilla sex to you and why is Bondage the only thing you want too try? Why aren't you thinkin if how to increase pleasure? Once you get her tied up then what? Surely you're not going to just have vanilla sex in cuffs, babe.
Being tied up requires deep connection and trust. If you haven't had just a conversation about it then you both need to work on being a closer couple together.
That's not something that MOST people are interested in. That's only for a select few. It takes a relaxed atmosphere and trust at first. It's a mega step. To a lot of people that's not spice, that's submission, and it can be uncomfortable or scary.
When you said 'I want to spice things up' I imagined the use of toys, ice, going outside, public fun. Bondage did not come to mind.
Odds are it doesn't come to her mind, either. What are her views in that sort of thing? Have you even talked about it? Just a conversation about interests in sex without you trying to pressure her into agreeing to anything?
So that makes me want to ask you: what is vanilla sex to you and why is Bondage the only thing you want too try? Why aren't you thinkin if how to increase pleasure? Once you get her tied up then what? Surely you're not going to just have vanilla sex in cuffs, babe.
Being tied up requires deep connection and trust. If you haven't had just a conversation about it then you both need to work on being a closer couple together.
Metilda, I can't speak for the OP, but I thought he just gave bondage an one example. He said it's "the same with anything I suggest." My impression is she is not interested in anything at all beyond oral and intercourse.
I do strongly disagree with your assertion that bondage is only for a select few. Perhaps more extreme forms- such as being suspended from the ceiling- are something most people are not interested in, but most people I know have at least tried the standard silk scarves idea a few times. That is hardly exotic, especially in long term couples. He sounds like a man who wants his relationship to work. It is obvious he cares very much for his partner and her pleasure. It takes two people. He can't give her what she wants if she is unwilling to tell him what that is.
I do strongly disagree with your assertion that bondage is only for a select few. Perhaps more extreme forms- such as being suspended from the ceiling- are something most people are not interested in, but most people I know have at least tried the standard silk scarves idea a few times. That is hardly exotic, especially in long term couples. He sounds like a man who wants his relationship to work. It is obvious he cares very much for his partner and her pleasure. It takes two people. He can't give her what she wants if she is unwilling to tell him what that is.
Quote by Metilda
Why bondage?
That's not something that MOST people are interested in. That's only for a select few. It takes a relaxed atmosphere and trust at first. It's a mega step. To a lot of people that's not spice, that's submission, and it can be uncomfortable or scary.
When you said 'I want to spice things up' I imagined the use of toys, ice, going outside, public fun. Bondage did not come to mind.
Odds are it doesn't come to her mind, either. What are her views in that sort of thing? Have you even talked about it? Just a conversation about interests in sex without you trying to pressure her into agreeing to anything?
So that makes me want to ask you: what is vanilla sex to you and why is Bondage the only thing you want too try? Why aren't you thinkin if how to increase pleasure? Once you get her tied up then what? Surely you're not going to just have vanilla sex in cuffs, babe.
Being tied up requires deep connection and trust. If you haven't had just a conversation about it then you both need to work on being a closer couple together.
I never said that bondage was the only thing I wanted, I was only talking about that one suggestion, which I did state I had other ideas. I didn't want to write an essay of every thing I've suggested. I also said in my post that I volunteered to be the one tied, and yes we have had discussions, problem being that she dismisses the topic. What I had asked was for any suggestions on talking to my gf about this in a way in which she may open up to me and we can come to some mutual understanding on the number of things I think would be good to try, and find out if there's anything she's interested in as well. We are a close couple, she's the only woman I've been with longer than a year and going on 4 years now. I wouldn't even have suggested something like hand tying or blindfolding if we didn't have that kind of trust. When I said 'long time' in my post, did you think I meant 'some girl I met last week' or something? Finally, yes I am aware there's more to it than just handcuffs, I'm not some 13 year old that saw it in a magazine and thought 'oh that's cool.' Honestly, just read someone's post fully next time and you can perhaps construct a useful response.
Thank you to Naughty Nurse and Lustorlush, I have mentioned things from time to time, I do worry about when and how I bring up the topic, because once I did feel like I was badgering her. I'm just having to wait on really discussing this with her right now because of an on going family issue she's dealing with and day to day her mood changes. Even if she is in the mood for sex, it doesn't feel like the time to say 'hey let's have a full discussion on our feelings about things we'd like to try in bed.'
I really hope this doesn't become a real issue for us, because it's not even like I've done most of what I'm suggesting and the only way I can get it up is if I got a corkscew up my ass, lol. I just know they sound fun, and if we don't like it, least we tried, and anything we do enjoy simply adds to our fun. I hope I can communicate that to her clearly and she can give me insight on how she feels about all of it.
Orgasm Aficionado
It sounds like you have a good relationship, which is a great start - plus you're already having regular sex. The key is always communication. You need to talk; you need to let her know how you feel and find out what your partner is feeling about your suggestions. Maybe there is something she wants to try.
It isn't fair to expect anyone to try something that they aren't comfortable with, so you should never push anyone into something by saying 'just try it'.
It isn't fair to expect anyone to try something that they aren't comfortable with, so you should never push anyone into something by saying 'just try it'.
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