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Friends and Fixations

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Dancing_Doll
Alpha Blonde
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Let's say you meet a guy, whether it be online or in real life.

You get the feeling that he probably likes you, but you definitely do not feel anything romantic for him at all. You do however, enjoy their company on a casual friendship level, or just bantering with them because you have things in common.

Do you give hints right away that you're not interested in anything, hoping to pre-empt the guy from making an awkward move? If so, what do you typically do or say?

Do you feel resentful when a guy plays the friendship card and then suddenly confesses his love for you out of the blue three months later and then is shocked or pissed off that you have rebuffed him?

When you get the vibe that a guy likes you and you don't feel the same way, do you think you can ever 'just be friends', or do you think the dynamic will always be 'off' because the guy will constantly be trying to win you over on a subtle but endlessly persistent level.
Guest
Lurker
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Dancing Doll

It is difficult to maintain an mere friendship relationship with a person who wants more than you are prepared to give.

When it come right down to the end I have been unsuccessful in keeping the friendship at an acceptable intensity. Several guys/gals have accepted the Friendship Only clause.

But soon they are back to that same old place.

If any of our Lush sisters have found the solution, please share your gift.

Several were nice guys/gals, but just not the one that would ever create that mutual spark.
Nikki703
Active Ink Slinger
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I dont have the answer but can only offer what I do. If I find that he/she is interested in more than I can give, I try to make that clear up front. I will tell them that I really enjoy their company and friendship, but I am not interested in anything more. If they can accept that then we end up having a great friendship. But If I feel like after a few weeks/months of a fun platonic relationship that they are still trying to win my affections, I do resent that and I am forced to distance myself. I always try to do it subtly by just not being as responsive to calls, etc. Sometimes they get the message, sometimes they dont. Unfortunately, it ends what could could have been a nice friendship. This is also true with online relationships too!
SweetPenny
Active Ink Slinger
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I don't have the guts to make it clear that I'm not interested in a guy. It's hard to say, "I'm not attracted to you because..."

If I don't like the guy at all, then I just ignore his calls until he gets the message. If I like the guy as a friend, then it gets tricky. I've had "friends" who tried to kiss me and I turned my face away. After that, they usually understand that I'm not interested sexually, although some guys can be persistent.
sillyndelicious
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by SweetPenny
I don't have the guts to make it clear that I'm not interested in a guy. It's hard to say, "I'm not attracted to you because..."

If I don't like the guy at all, then I just ignore his calls until he gets the message. If I like the guy as a friend, then it gets tricky. I've had "friends" who tried to kiss me and I turned my face away. After that, they usually understand that I'm not interested sexually, although some guys can be persistent.


well, i had some too.. i like hanging around with most of them.. that's tricky, yes.. tho i tried to ignore them, they sometime still approaching with the same intensity.. well, i prob get a lil rude sometime, coz being nice like a friend-wise always get misinterpreted.. lol..
lafayettemister
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Just curious, but have any of you experienced this in the opposite direction? Someone you would like more from but he/she only wants to be your friend, if so, how did you handle it? As for me, once I know that a woman only wants to be friends, I can accept that. Why would I persist at something that is unwanted? Seems like I'd be setting myself up for repeated rejection.

Sorry, I know this is Ask the Gals...



When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates
Dancing_Doll
Alpha Blonde
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Quote by lafayettemister
Just curious, but have any of you experienced this in the opposite direction? Someone you would like more from but he/she only wants to be your friend, if so, how did you handle it?


No, I haven't experienced this yet, personally...

I tend to be very sensitive to social cues though. I would certainly not want to misinterpret something and eventually make that person uncomfortable.

I think the reason it happens more often in the reverse is that women are far less likely to 'make the first move', and we are often very self-critical. So if we were to be secretly crushing on our male friend and he wasn't showing any interest in us, we will likely just think it's because he's not attracted to us or our thighs are too fat or something like that, and perhaps secretly pine/sulk and then move on.

I think society expects men to 'make the first move', so it's pre-wired in guys to keep 'trying for the prize' even when the 'prize' doesn't want to be won. I think this is a very common situation for women to be in. Inherently, most women enjoy/want to have male friends. For us, the separation of friendship and sexual attraction is very clear and distinct. For men, if they are hanging out with a woman that they find attractive and they are getting along, the natural course of thought is "of course, I'd like to fuck her/date her/marry her"...

I also think men mistakenly think that 'persistence' is a positive thing and will eventually win a woman over. Of course this only happens in Rom-Com movies where the heroine gets fucked over by an asshole and then suddenly realizes that the real 'man of her dreams' is the guy-friend that's always been there for her and loves her just as she is... blah blah blah. This hollywood dream has fuelled many misguided fantasies.

I just think guys need to learn to read signals that a woman is not interested. Here are some easy ones:

1. She tells you she isn't interested.
2. She doesn't flirt with you, and when you try to flirt with her, she brushes it off or keeps it very casual.
3. She talks about other men that she likes, is dating or is involved with.
4. She is always re-affirming what a great 'friend' you've been to her.
5. You do not have priority interest in her life. She is not going out of her way to talk to you, be with you, or hang out with you.

It seems like it should be simple, but I think every woman has gone through the awkward "no, I only think of you as a friend" conversation at least once in life. Then when the guy backs off a bit, and then tries again 3 months later, it tends to piss us off. We end up feeling like the friendship is bogus and the guy is just biding his time until he can try again. Plus it's soooo awkward. Women like having guy friends. We just don't want to sleep with all of you or think of you as "the one" just because we get along with you and enjoy hanging out.

Ok. End of rant.
Sw33tAng3l
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Quote by lafayettemister
Just curious, but have any of you experienced this in the opposite direction? Someone you would like more from but he/she only wants to be your friend, if so, how did you handle it?


To answer your question, I just accept that they only want to be friends. I mean, there's no need to make a big scene of it. Just be glad you guys are still friends. The guy I had a crush on in college turned me down, said he didn't want to ruin our friendship... I mean, I still wonder what could have been, but it was his decision and I have to respect that.

And to the original question, I've been through this too. A friend confessed that he liked me, but I made it clear I only wanted to be friends. He accepted it, but as time went on I had to end the friendship because he kept pressing the issue of a relationship.

With some people they respect your wishes and can remain friends, while others can't let it go. It all depends on the person.
lafayettemister
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I hear what you're saying, sorry to barge into gal-dom again, but that Hollywood thing goes both ways. There are just as many movies where the guy goes for the "hot/popular" girl while his female friend is in love with him. Of course he doesn't see it or even know he's in love until after the winning touchdown or homerun or free throw.. whatever. God, I hope people don't let what they see in movies guide how they live.

But to your points... I agree. Some guys don't listen to what they are told. Women too. Usually it is quite obvious when a woman doesn't like you. It's very clear, but we've all been raised as.. "don't take no for an answer"... "go after what you want".... "you can have anything you want if you try hard enough"..."if at first you don't succeed, try try again". We have grown up in a society that no longer says NO..... we are unable to accept rejection or criticism or failure. But... my only suggestion is to say that if a guy is pressing you hard enough.. just tell him straight up. If he has any brains, he'll back down. If not.. you may be better off in the long run without him.



When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates
Dancing_Doll
Alpha Blonde
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Quote by lafayettemister
I hear what you're saying, sorry to barge into gal-dom again, but that Hollywood thing goes both ways. There are just as many movies where the guy goes for the "hot/popular" girl while his female friend is in love with him. Of course he doesn't see it or even know he's in love until after the winning touchdown or homerun or free throw.. whatever. God, I hope people don't let what they see in movies guide how they live.

But to your points... I agree. Some guys don't listen to what they are told. Women too. Usually it is quite obvious when a woman doesn't like you. It's very clear, but we've all been raised as.. "don't take no for an answer"... "go after what you want".... "you can have anything you want if you try hard enough"..."if at first you don't succeed, try try again". We have grown up in a society that no longer says NO..... we are unable to accept rejection or criticism or failure. But... my only suggestion is to say that if a guy is pressing you hard enough.. just tell him straight up. If he has any brains, he'll back down. If not.. you may be better off in the long run without him.


Here's another question... Let's say your male friend hasn't come out with the direct proposition yet, but you can see it coming. All the signs and signals are there. Is there an effective way for a woman to pre-empt the awkward moment before he makes his move, without coming across as presumptuous? I think a girl can tell when her guy friend is crushing on her, but until he actually comes out with the 'big confession', it's hard to know how up front one should be....
lafayettemister
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Quote by Dancing_Doll
Quote by lafayettemister
I hear what you're saying, sorry to barge into gal-dom again, but that Hollywood thing goes both ways. There are just as many movies where the guy goes for the "hot/popular" girl while his female friend is in love with him. Of course he doesn't see it or even know he's in love until after the winning touchdown or homerun or free throw.. whatever. God, I hope people don't let what they see in movies guide how they live.

But to your points... I agree. Some guys don't listen to what they are told. Women too. Usually it is quite obvious when a woman doesn't like you. It's very clear, but we've all been raised as.. "don't take no for an answer"... "go after what you want".... "you can have anything you want if you try hard enough"..."if at first you don't succeed, try try again". We have grown up in a society that no longer says NO..... we are unable to accept rejection or criticism or failure. But... my only suggestion is to say that if a guy is pressing you hard enough.. just tell him straight up. If he has any brains, he'll back down. If not.. you may be better off in the long run without him.


Here's another question... Let's say your male friend hasn't come out with the direct proposition yet, but you can see it coming. All the signs and signals are there. Is there an effective way for a woman to pre-empt the awkward moment before he makes his move, without coming across as presumptuous? I think a girl can tell when her guy friend is crushing on her, but until he actually comes out with the 'big confession', it's hard to know how up front one should be....


Good question.. I'm not sure there's much you could say. In you previous list, I'd say #5 should be a good indicator. In my life, whenever I've been interested in someone and she never seemed to be available to talk or email or whatever more frequent all of a sudden I've understood that she wasn't interested. By comparison, me and any particular woman that did share interest, we couldn't talk enough. If I'm getting the "cold shoulder" that speaks volumes. But hey.. not all guys are as smart as I! LOL



When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates
sillyndelicious
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Quote by lafayettemister
Just curious, but have any of you experienced this in the opposite direction? Someone you would like more from but he/she only wants to be your friend, if so, how did you handle it? As for me, once I know that a woman only wants to be friends, I can accept that. Why would I persist at something that is unwanted? Seems like I'd be setting myself up for repeated rejection.

Sorry, I know this is Ask the Gals...


i had some, and maybe still.. lol.. usually if i know he's not interested on me, i'll try to act casual, but maybe will take a while til i can act real casual to him.. lol.. but im not that aggressive so maybe they still take it easy, or they're really dumb for not realising me liking them. (since people around us noticed me.. ) lol..
sillyndelicious
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Quote by lafayettemister
Quote by Dancing_Doll
Quote by lafayettemister
I hear what you're saying, sorry to barge into gal-dom again, but that Hollywood thing goes both ways. There are just as many movies where the guy goes for the "hot/popular" girl while his female friend is in love with him. Of course he doesn't see it or even know he's in love until after the winning touchdown or homerun or free throw.. whatever. God, I hope people don't let what they see in movies guide how they live.

But to your points... I agree. Some guys don't listen to what they are told. Women too. Usually it is quite obvious when a woman doesn't like you. It's very clear, but we've all been raised as.. "don't take no for an answer"... "go after what you want".... "you can have anything you want if you try hard enough"..."if at first you don't succeed, try try again". We have grown up in a society that no longer says NO..... we are unable to accept rejection or criticism or failure. But... my only suggestion is to say that if a guy is pressing you hard enough.. just tell him straight up. If he has any brains, he'll back down. If not.. you may be better off in the long run without him.


Here's another question... Let's say your male friend hasn't come out with the direct proposition yet, but you can see it coming. All the signs and signals are there. Is there an effective way for a woman to pre-empt the awkward moment before he makes his move, without coming across as presumptuous? I think a girl can tell when her guy friend is crushing on her, but until he actually comes out with the 'big confession', it's hard to know how up front one should be....


Good question.. I'm not sure there's much you could say. In you previous list, I'd say #5 should be a good indicator. In my life, whenever I've been interested in someone and she never seemed to be available to talk or email or whatever more frequent all of a sudden I've understood that she wasn't interested. By comparison, me and any particular woman that did share interest, we couldn't talk enough. If I'm getting the "cold shoulder" that speaks volumes. But hey.. not all guys are as smart as I! LOL


do guys find it's not interesting being friends, when they started it as a crush? i found that the guys that approached me did that. they suddenly gone.. just like that.. hahaha.. hey, i just dun have a crush on u, doesn't mean i dun like u. we can be at least friends.. lol..
Sw33tAng3l
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^ some guys can't take just being friends. They don't want to see you with someone else other than them. They'd rather end the friendship. Crazy guys.
Rembacher
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Quote by lafayettemister
Good question.. I'm not sure there's much you could say. In you previous list, I'd say #5 should be a good indicator. In my life, whenever I've been interested in someone and she never seemed to be available to talk or email or whatever more frequent all of a sudden I've understood that she wasn't interested. By comparison, me and any particular woman that did share interest, we couldn't talk enough. If I'm getting the "cold shoulder" that speaks volumes. But hey.. not all guys are as smart as I! LOL


I've been watching this topic with interest because I fully admit I have trouble reading the signs. The talking to, and making time for thing it the biggest one that I misinterpret. Because for me, it seems to work exactly opposite the way it does on Doll's list. This is going to make me sound completely full of myself, but I am great at making woman feel comfortable and open up around me. Because of that, they do take time out of their day for me, and talk to me every day. Spending time with me, or talking to me, doesn't mean anything more than they like spending time with me and talking to me, no matter how many times I want it to mean more.
pb69
Advanced Wordsmith
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Quote by Dancing_Doll


....

I also think men mistakenly think that 'persistence' is a positive thing and will eventually win a woman over. Of course this only happens in Rom-Com movies where the heroine gets fucked over by an asshole and then suddenly realizes that the real 'man of her dreams' is the guy-friend that's always been there for her and loves her just as she is... blah blah blah. This hollywood dream has fuelled many misguided fantasies.

....

Ok. End of rant.


While I generally agree with your postings, Doll, I feel the need to interject a little something involving this rant.

You're correct that men should learn to take a hint, I've recently posted my own turning point in another similar thread. However, I take umbrage at the quote above. I am living proof that the girl-leaves-asshole, friend-consoles-girl, girl-falls-in-love-with-friend, friend-loved-girl-all-along thing isn't 100% bullshit. I've been happily with the same woman for over 15 years, and I've loved her longer than that. I'm not leaving her and she doesn't appear interested in leaving me.

And it was almost like a movie (except the part where the guy had a bazillion dollars and takes the girl shopping all over Beverly Hills). Oh, wait, wrong movie.

Realistically the scenario in your quote IS probably better than 99% fantasy and belongs mostly in John Hughes films, but I'm here to say my fantasy came true and there's a non-zero chance that this can actually happen. Occasionally the Good Guy wins.
Dancing_Doll
Alpha Blonde
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Quote by pb69
Quote by Dancing_Doll


....

I also think men mistakenly think that 'persistence' is a positive thing and will eventually win a woman over. Of course this only happens in Rom-Com movies where the heroine gets fucked over by an asshole and then suddenly realizes that the real 'man of her dreams' is the guy-friend that's always been there for her and loves her just as she is... blah blah blah. This hollywood dream has fuelled many misguided fantasies.

....

Ok. End of rant.


While I generally agree with your postings, Doll, I feel the need to interject a little something involving this rant.

You're correct that men should learn to take a hint, I've recently posted my own turning point in another similar thread. However, I take umbrage at the quote above. I am living proof that the girl-leaves-asshole, friend-consoles-girl, girl-falls-in-love-with-friend, friend-loved-girl-all-along thing isn't 100% bullshit. I've been happily with the same woman for over 15 years, and I've loved her longer than that. I'm not leaving her and she doesn't appear interested in leaving me.

And it was almost like a movie (except the part where the guy had a bazillion dollars and takes the girl shopping all over Beverly Hills). Oh, wait, wrong movie.

Realistically the scenario in your quote IS probably better than 99% fantasy and belongs mostly in John Hughes films, but I'm here to say my fantasy came true and there's a non-zero chance that this can actually happen. Occasionally the Good Guy wins.



You're right, I should have said this "usually" only happens in Rom-Com films.

But really, I wasn't saying that the good guy doesn't win. I'm all for the good guy winning. But I don't see "Good Guy" and "Friend Zone Buddy" as being synonymous. Sure there are exceptions to the rule (congrats by the way), but a lot of times the "Good Guy" is just a man that is open with his interests and intentions right from the beginning.

Of course feelings can develop over time, but I'm just against a guy using friendship to try to manipulate a girl into feeling something she has openly said she doesn't feel.
BoDerr19
Rookie Scribe
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Quote by Dancing_Doll
Quote by pb69
Quote by Dancing_Doll


....

I also think men mistakenly think that 'persistence' is a positive thing and will eventually win a woman over. Of course this only happens in Rom-Com movies where the heroine gets fucked over by an asshole and then suddenly realizes that the real 'man of her dreams' is the guy-friend that's always been there for her and loves her just as she is... blah blah blah. This hollywood dream has fuelled many misguided fantasies.

....

Ok. End of rant.


While I generally agree with your postings, Doll, I feel the need to interject a little something involving this rant.

You're correct that men should learn to take a hint, I've recently posted my own turning point in another similar thread. However, I take umbrage at the quote above. I am living proof that the girl-leaves-asshole, friend-consoles-girl, girl-falls-in-love-with-friend, friend-loved-girl-all-along thing isn't 100% bullshit. I've been happily with the same woman for over 15 years, and I've loved her longer than that. I'm not leaving her and she doesn't appear interested in leaving me.

And it was almost like a movie (except the part where the guy had a bazillion dollars and takes the girl shopping all over Beverly Hills). Oh, wait, wrong movie.

Realistically the scenario in your quote IS probably better than 99% fantasy and belongs mostly in John Hughes films, but I'm here to say my fantasy came true and there's a non-zero chance that this can actually happen. Occasionally the Good Guy wins.




Haha Dancing just ask Purr persistence pays off!!! I think she turned me down a half dozen times before she finally agreed to go out with me!!! That's turned into a six year relationship and we're married!!! Don't give up too easy guys lol if she calls the cops on you though, then it may be over!!!
BigDaddyRich
Active Ink Slinger
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Funny, it's always you ladies that think the guys are that way. It does work both ways. But to answer your question, you should be upfront and tell the other person you would like to be just friends and nothing more. That way, the person who makes advances doesn't feel awkward. I don't know why the person who just wanted to be friends would feel bad.

There is the possibility that if everything is open up front you could be good friends, but be prepared as well that they could just say bye.
Well that's just my opinion, sorry if you don't like.

BigDaddyRich
Dudealicious
Wise Ass
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Ok it seems like there are more guys chiming in here than women (Sorry Ash)

I have had many women "friends" in my life, I have always tried to be respectful of the fact that we are 'just friends'. However I have gotten calls in the wee hours of the morning to talk about the break-ups and arguments and have had them ask me to come over to comfort them. While I am there, I feel a different energy in the room and usually some touching / kissing. Now how am I supposed to differentiate that from friendship? Seriously.

You can't tell me that women don't do that, we are all guilty of being vulnerable in a time of need. Where as a 'friend' does the line end and we start to feel something more for that person?

Yes most men want action but to pool us all in together is really not fair and I do not appreciate it. There are some great guys out there that are not always looking for their next victim.
The night that changed my life, a four part series of a married man lusting after his co-worker

[URL=http://www.lushstories.com/stories/reluctance/the-night-that-changed-my-life-1.aspx][IMG]http://i.imgur.com/WPPsy.jpg[/IMG][/URL]
Dancing_Doll
Alpha Blonde
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Quote by Dudealicious
Ok it seems like there are more guys chiming in here than women (Sorry Ash)

I have had many women "friends" in my life, I have always tried to be respectful of the fact that we are 'just friends'. However I have gotten calls in the wee hours of the morning to talk about the break-ups and arguments and have had them ask me to come over to comfort them. While I am there, I feel a different energy in the room and usually some touching / kissing. Now how am I supposed to differentiate that from friendship? Seriously.

You can't tell me that women don't do that, we are all guilty of being vulnerable in a time of need. Where as a 'friend' does the line end and we start to feel something more for that person?

Yes most men want action but to pool us all in together is really not fair and I do not appreciate it. There are some great guys out there that are not always looking for their next victim.


I wasn't 'pooling' all men together. I was talking about a sub-section of guys that use benign friendship in a manipulative way when the original goal has always been to 'get the girl'... and guys that don't take signals (or a blatant 'no, I only see you as a friend') as the final answer.

There are plenty of great guy friends out there. I have them too...

And yes, I'm aware that it works both ways, and there are endless examples of friends hooking up during moments of vulnerability or drunkenness. I think that's fairly normal. Usually those are casual moments though (for both parties). Ie. "Wow, that was a crazy night", and the next morning you go back to being buddies.

I'm talking more about the really fixated guy that says he is willing to just be friends, but then continues to obsess over the girl and keeps pushing for more, even though the girl has established that she isn't interested. I just question how healthy those kinds of "friendships" are.

I'm not saying that all male friends are stalkers who can't read signals.
Magical_felix
Wild at Heart
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You think that we connect
That the chemistry's correct
Your words walk right through my ears
Presuming I like what I hear
And now I'm stuck in the
The web you're spinning
You've got me for you prey

(Yeah) Sorry I'm not home right now
I'm walking into spiderwebs
So leave a message
And I'll call you back
A likely story, but (Yeah) leave a message
And I'll call you back

You're intruding on what's mine
And you're taking up my time
Don't have the courage inside me
To tell you please let me be

Communication, a telephonic invasion
I'm planning my escape...

(Yeah) Sorry I'm not home right now
I'm walking into spiderwebs
So leave a message
And I'll call you back
A likely story, but (Yeah) leave a message
And I'll call you back

And it's all your fault
I screen my phone calls
No matter who calls
I gotta screen my phone calls

Now it's gone to deep (Now, it's gone too deep)
You wake me in my sleep (Wake me in my sleep)
My dreams become nightmares (Dreams become nightmares)
'Cause you're ringing in my ears

(Yeah) Sorry I'm not home right now
I'm walking into spiderwebs
So leave a message
And I'll call you back
A likely story, but (Yeah) leave a message
And I'll call you back

And it's all your fault
I screen my phone calls
No matter-matter-matter-matter who calls
I gotta screen my phone calls

Oooh, the spiderwebs
Leave a message and I'll call you back
I'm walking into spiderwebs
So, leave a message and I'll call you back
I'm walking into spiderwebs
It's all your fault, no matter who calls
I gotta screen my phone calls
It's all your fault, it's all your fault
No matter who calls, no matter who calls

I'm walking into spiderwebs so,
Leave a message and I'll call you back
I'm walking into spiderwebs so,
Leave a message and I'll call you back