I write from the first perspective of a man, and I'm a woman. I use places like Reddit and ask friends and my husband to find out about other's experiences because I cannot possibly hope to try it myself. The BDSM part I do have experience with but it's such a broad area that I haven't done everything. I'm a switch so I've been on both sides, although I lean more towards dominant and I have a sadistic streak, but I started out submissive initially. Despite that I've never done things like Electroplay because I have an actual fear of it. I absolutely hate the feeling of a static shock so I have to do the research instead. It is better if you can relate by having done it, but it's not necessary.
'Write about what you know' is great advice, the best.
It doesn't mean you've experienced something...but you've probably gained the knowledge by research, reading, watching etc.
For example, BDSM is well covered in stories on Lush and features on internet sites. You don't need to participate to learn/KNOW what it's about.
I've written non-fiction for years, and I don't know anything…
That said, it definitely helps to write about things you know because it allows you to spin a more realistic tale, with lots of believable details, but you are by no means limited to the things you know, as so many people above have noted.
In fact, it's been shown in psychological studies that a vivid fantasy can have as much effect on your being as real life.
I think anyone here who has ever had wet panties/undershorts from reading some of the stories here knows that…
So, imagine yourself in the situations you want to write about, and take it from there.
One example, among many: Jim Butcher wrote several novels in the (excellent) Dresden Files series about Chicago, where it is set, but had never been there. It finally tripped him up when he wrote about a parking lot that didn't exist and a reader from Chicago pragged him about it, but that was well after he had established the series as best-selling.
An incredibly talented, but modest Polar Bear, often mischievous, but never malicious!
Chatterbox Blonde- Rumps Mystical Bartender
Here's my little contribution. I've been a role-player for longer then I care to think about, and I approach the scene like I would a role-playing scenario.
Who are the people in the scene?
Where are they? Why are they there? What do you want to explore in that scene?
So let's say I put A and B in a basement. B is a nervous person but feels very safe when A holds them in their arms. A suggests they try tying up B to see how they find that. Now since B finds being held reassuring, maybe they find being tied up like being very tightly held by A. So as they get tied up, they might feel less afraid, start to feel an underwhelming pleasure at being confined but also loved. Maybe A enjoys the way it feels to tie B up, they way they wriggle and moan when being bound. Maybe A wants to touch B now they're helpless to resist.
Then you can take it from there.
When I give the characters a reason to be in the scene, their responses to the action feels less forced to me, and they sometimes head off doing things I didn't think of when I started. Because they have their own motivations, their actions feel more organic and less dancing puppet.
Also if you think your friend might be exploring BDSM, just ask them. I've had several conversations over coffee with people I know about my understanding of the Life, but then again I'm happy to talk to people about all kinds of things.
Also like Jim Butchers parking lot, the world of your story is just that YOUR world. If you want a toy to make a certain sound and it doesn't in reality, well in your world is makes that noise.
As long as you're consistent with how things work in your world, most readers won't know or care.
Whatever was posted is always meant in love and respect never to offend.
I'm also highly likely to have posted this from a phone so there may be typos or odd word changes, auto correct can be a pain.
I've been listening to my kinky pencil here's my current work
