Dear Olivia,
The question isn't for me (having been married and divorced I think I understand the dynamics well enough not to repeat some mistakes) ... but the question is for those who don't want to hear a friends take on marriage breakdowns - sometimes coming from a complete outsider is more beneficial.
The scenario is: the spouse says it's over; I cheated on you; I don't think I want to be married.
I have said a few things to my friend but it has fallen on deaf ears (I think, or maybe he's storing it for thought later).
I believe that women who are "in love" rarely cheat on their husbands.
I believe that men who are "in love" rarely cheat on their wives.
I believe that when sex becomes boring and routine, the thought of cheating or at least adventure (like here on Lush) becomes more prominent in their thoughts.
When the spouse no longer respects or feels loyalty towards the other, that is when they will have sex (not emotional) with another person outside the marriage (cheating).
I believe more couples stay together because "they love their mate" but are not "in love" and by staying, they don't upset the parents/friends/bank accounts.
When the spouse says, I don't want to be married anymore (it's too much work, I want to fuck someone else, whatever) ... to change that person's opinion/mind is very difficult - even if you give up all your own life for them - it may never be enough.
What do you think? I know that each situation is different (hence, I have heard that a lot!) but, on the whole ... the spouse says it over ... what advice (besides just listening) can one offer to the one that says "no, I am fighting this!"?
Thanks!
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When a Spouse says "it's over" ...
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Advanced Wordsmith
Yahtzee, you are so wise, when I lost my mate, it devasted me for a long time, just only now getting courage to open my heart and my body to a woman to cherish! Very scary!! Love is a great glue of 2 people who are flawed but special!! xo
I have been divorced twice and, although at the time it hurt as they both went off with other women, as the years went by I have realised that if they had been happy at home and getting what they wanted (sex and a happy wife) then they wouldn't have strayed. I am not saying that this goes for everyone but it certainly does in a lot of cases.
Active Ink Slinger
When a person hears those words from their spouse "I cheated and I don't want to be married to you anymore" they have two options to go with.
Option 1: "He no longer desires me, he clearly doesn't want to stay married to me and he's already moved on physically. He probably moved on in his head 'emotionally' even before he cheated. I guess we have been having problems for quite some time now when I look back on things. Fine, this is a sinking ship and he's betrayed me and disrespected me. There is no way I'm staying around for more emotional fuck-witting. Time to pull the investment from this marriage, and get on with a new direction in life."
Option 2: "My man is clearly temporarily confused. I know he really loves me and this decision is a result of external forces like "work stress", that skanky whore that went after my man despite knowing he is married and forced herself on him, his buddies putting suggestions in his ear because they don't like me and want him to be single again etc. Well, I'm a fighter! I'm not taking this laying down. I'm going to go after each of those obstacles like a Wife Warrior and win my man back! We'll go to couples therapy and patch everything over and it'll be like it used to be in no time at all."
Option 1 is the realist route (and a healthy, pragmatic one). Option 2 is an overly-optimistic, potentially delusional route where the failure of the marriage is based on external factors and forces instead of what's been going on internally to the relationship. Blaming the rest of the world for why your marriage tanked is a coping mechanism for some people because it allows them to protect their fragile egos and vulnerabilities about having been directly involved in what went wrong in the first place.
Clearly I see all these external issues as merely symptoms of the internal festering disease within the relationship.
People who are emotionally, spiritually and sexually fulfilled tend to avoid betraying their spouses at all costs because they love and respect them enough not to hurt them.
In this case, the man has already moved on and she was the last to know. He's not saying he cheated and is begging for a second chance. He's not saying that something doesn't feel right and we need to work on things before they progress. He's saying "I'm done. Oh and by the way, I guess I should let you know too!"
For a person to hear those words and start considering some last minute crusade to alter the tides of change is like scrambling for a cure when a person is in the last stage of a terminal illness. Both have gone way past the point where intervention could have changed the outcome.
The person you speak of needs to take a realistic look at the situation. She needs to understand that by concentrating all her efforts on ways to 'patch up' a situation that is highly likely to fall apart again very quickly even if she can stop the temporary bleed right now, that she is wasting valuable time and energy. She needs to refocus her efforts on grieving the loss of the relationship and planning the next steps and stages in getting her life back on track. There are new happier adventures to be had ahead, and a shorter route to feeling psychologically healthy again than in trying to bail a sinking ship.
Had she seen the warning signs of issues in the relationship much earlier, then I would have advised on immediate intervention to get the marriage back on track. But when he's already laying down the facts and packing his bags, it's far too late in the game to start trying to salvage things.
Option 1: "He no longer desires me, he clearly doesn't want to stay married to me and he's already moved on physically. He probably moved on in his head 'emotionally' even before he cheated. I guess we have been having problems for quite some time now when I look back on things. Fine, this is a sinking ship and he's betrayed me and disrespected me. There is no way I'm staying around for more emotional fuck-witting. Time to pull the investment from this marriage, and get on with a new direction in life."
Option 2: "My man is clearly temporarily confused. I know he really loves me and this decision is a result of external forces like "work stress", that skanky whore that went after my man despite knowing he is married and forced herself on him, his buddies putting suggestions in his ear because they don't like me and want him to be single again etc. Well, I'm a fighter! I'm not taking this laying down. I'm going to go after each of those obstacles like a Wife Warrior and win my man back! We'll go to couples therapy and patch everything over and it'll be like it used to be in no time at all."
Option 1 is the realist route (and a healthy, pragmatic one). Option 2 is an overly-optimistic, potentially delusional route where the failure of the marriage is based on external factors and forces instead of what's been going on internally to the relationship. Blaming the rest of the world for why your marriage tanked is a coping mechanism for some people because it allows them to protect their fragile egos and vulnerabilities about having been directly involved in what went wrong in the first place.
Clearly I see all these external issues as merely symptoms of the internal festering disease within the relationship.
People who are emotionally, spiritually and sexually fulfilled tend to avoid betraying their spouses at all costs because they love and respect them enough not to hurt them.
In this case, the man has already moved on and she was the last to know. He's not saying he cheated and is begging for a second chance. He's not saying that something doesn't feel right and we need to work on things before they progress. He's saying "I'm done. Oh and by the way, I guess I should let you know too!"
For a person to hear those words and start considering some last minute crusade to alter the tides of change is like scrambling for a cure when a person is in the last stage of a terminal illness. Both have gone way past the point where intervention could have changed the outcome.
The person you speak of needs to take a realistic look at the situation. She needs to understand that by concentrating all her efforts on ways to 'patch up' a situation that is highly likely to fall apart again very quickly even if she can stop the temporary bleed right now, that she is wasting valuable time and energy. She needs to refocus her efforts on grieving the loss of the relationship and planning the next steps and stages in getting her life back on track. There are new happier adventures to be had ahead, and a shorter route to feeling psychologically healthy again than in trying to bail a sinking ship.
Had she seen the warning signs of issues in the relationship much earlier, then I would have advised on immediate intervention to get the marriage back on track. But when he's already laying down the facts and packing his bags, it's far too late in the game to start trying to salvage things.