Aunt Olivia,
AS posted in the topic I need help/advice in two areas. I am a quiet simple person who does not open up any more then I feel is necessary, unfortunatly that leaves wife feeling rather left out. I do want to be there for her more but always feel like I come up short of what she really wants.
She is always tellin me - that ' I need to be more romantic ' but being a loner who does not connect with people easily have never really learned how to be romantic, and no matter what I do it always seems to fall short of being romantic.
My other issue is that I need advice in the bedroom, I do hate feeling the need to ask outside advice on this, but I do want to be able to intiate sexual intimacy with the wife, so askin for advice on this. Ive tried settin up code words with her so that when I use a certain phrase she knows what i would like, and gave her a code word to use also, but it never worked. I also have tried kissin her ears kissin her neck rubbin her arm, and carressin her but the signal does not seem to go through. What do I need to do to get my point accross so I can give her the intimacy she wants, but also let her know what i really want without havin to be crass like stating - lets fuck hun , talkin bout the opposite of romantic, you know what i mean?????
please help me here
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two part question, how to be more 'romantic', how to initiate intimacy with wife
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One of the keys to getting romantic is imagining you're in the courtship stage, the first dating level. Find out wht she considers really romantic and enact that, find that guy in yourself who is what drew her to you in the first place. Were you more spontaneous then? Did you make her laugh? Did you take her places? It needn't be expensive, a stroll, a picnic, a movie. Remind her of the things she does that you love about her. Is she sentimental? Does she cook for you? Do you still have conversations about everything?
Intimacy -- the sharing of everyday events, thoughts, feelings -- is bred by good communication, even if it's just body language. Do you still hold her hand? Do you tell her she's beautiful? Not on a schedule or routine or half-assed, but sincerely and in surprising moments. Tell her what you miss about when you were first getting to know each other.
In the bedroom can get old for anyone. Again, spontaneous is better than scheduled. Be flirty, be playful. Be honest! Give her a massage and take your time, don't rush to the "good parts", massage her feet and hands, make her feel good about herself and her body and for fuck's sake feel good about yours, too.
Intimacy -- the sharing of everyday events, thoughts, feelings -- is bred by good communication, even if it's just body language. Do you still hold her hand? Do you tell her she's beautiful? Not on a schedule or routine or half-assed, but sincerely and in surprising moments. Tell her what you miss about when you were first getting to know each other.
In the bedroom can get old for anyone. Again, spontaneous is better than scheduled. Be flirty, be playful. Be honest! Give her a massage and take your time, don't rush to the "good parts", massage her feet and hands, make her feel good about herself and her body and for fuck's sake feel good about yours, too.
Well. When it comes to what she is wanting you have to ask her. It makes little sense, and is unhelpful, if she wants but can't tell you how, why, or what she wants. In fact, you admittedly have the same issue: unable to vocalize your wants.
The only way to bridge that gap is to talk about it. The basis of your issue: insecurity with communication. What you put in this post is fine. Tell her what your concern is. Ask her what does she mean when she says to 'be more romantic' - and so on. Just a talk.
I think it's a bit unfair of her, though, to now claim your sex life is lacking as if its all your fault that she thinks something is missing. She can't decide that and then be vague about it and expect you to quickly fix something. So maybe bring that up too.
Sex initiation is another topic. Everyone develops their 'thing' - my husband always says 'want to go in the bedroom?' We have kids. When they're around that's our usual option. But that just happened over time, we didn't plan it out.
The only way to bridge that gap is to talk about it. The basis of your issue: insecurity with communication. What you put in this post is fine. Tell her what your concern is. Ask her what does she mean when she says to 'be more romantic' - and so on. Just a talk.
I think it's a bit unfair of her, though, to now claim your sex life is lacking as if its all your fault that she thinks something is missing. She can't decide that and then be vague about it and expect you to quickly fix something. So maybe bring that up too.
Sex initiation is another topic. Everyone develops their 'thing' - my husband always says 'want to go in the bedroom?' We have kids. When they're around that's our usual option. But that just happened over time, we didn't plan it out.
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Let's handle these one at a time, shall we?
So you're a bit of a Marlboro Man, huh? Are you handsome like the Marlboro Man? If so, then that explains partially why she's still with you, what with no conversation, and you being emotionally unavailable...
But seriously, wanting to solve the problem gets you halfway there already. You're reaching out to the best here, and that counts for a lot. Here's the question: do you connect well with her? Sounds like the answer may be no. Not that it means you're a bad fit, but maybe like you say, you're a natural lone wolf. In which case, do nice things for her without being so over the top that it's obviously not something you would normally do. The choices are simple, unless she's a total weirdo. Does she like flowers? If so, bring some home on your way home from work. Tell her she looks pretty. Notice things about her and comment when they change (unless the change is for the worse, of course). Take her out to eat at a restaurant you know she likes, let her order anything off the menu she wants (even an appetizer and/or dessert, you cheapskate!). Open her door. Give her random hugs. These things are not grand gestures, but they're romantic nonetheless. Romance is more about the little things than the big things, really. It's not science, and it's not mysterious. It may not come natural to you, but you'll benefit by learning it, little by little.
Okay, just so I'm straight: you've had sex before right? And you know how that works, where to put the penis, etc? Sounds like you might be a little rusty, maybe you don't have a wide array of tricks in your bag either, but what I'm hearing is a difficulty in a) signaling her that you're in the mood for lovin', and b) getting her to catch your signals and respond to them favorably.
So, the first thing we need to figure out is whether she really wants to have sex with you or not. Depending on the lady, this could be a level that will get unlocked once you work on that first question with some success (be romantic, it's the little things!). If my man never said much, grunted a lot, exercised zero nuance most of the time, and was awkward with his advances, I might not be in the mood for sex all that often either.
But this, my Latin-phrased friend, is fixable too. I think you'll find that making an effort with the little things will in short order open up her legs for that big thing you're hiding in those jeans, pardner.
If not, come back and see me. Women are complicated, but sometimes we're really simple. Help out around the house, notice us, show us you care, and we'll show you our kitty.
Quote by karpadiem09
Aunt Olivia,
AS posted in the topic I need help/advice in two areas. I am a quiet simple person who does not open up any more then I feel is necessary, unfortunatly that leaves wife feeling rather left out. I do want to be there for her more but always feel like I come up short of what she really wants.
She is always tellin me - that ' I need to be more romantic ' but being a loner who does not connect with people easily have never really learned how to be romantic, and no matter what I do it always seems to fall short of being romantic.
So you're a bit of a Marlboro Man, huh? Are you handsome like the Marlboro Man? If so, then that explains partially why she's still with you, what with no conversation, and you being emotionally unavailable...
But seriously, wanting to solve the problem gets you halfway there already. You're reaching out to the best here, and that counts for a lot. Here's the question: do you connect well with her? Sounds like the answer may be no. Not that it means you're a bad fit, but maybe like you say, you're a natural lone wolf. In which case, do nice things for her without being so over the top that it's obviously not something you would normally do. The choices are simple, unless she's a total weirdo. Does she like flowers? If so, bring some home on your way home from work. Tell her she looks pretty. Notice things about her and comment when they change (unless the change is for the worse, of course). Take her out to eat at a restaurant you know she likes, let her order anything off the menu she wants (even an appetizer and/or dessert, you cheapskate!). Open her door. Give her random hugs. These things are not grand gestures, but they're romantic nonetheless. Romance is more about the little things than the big things, really. It's not science, and it's not mysterious. It may not come natural to you, but you'll benefit by learning it, little by little.
My other issue is that I need advice in the bedroom, I do hate feeling the need to ask outside advice on this, but I do want to be able to intiate sexual intimacy with the wife, so askin for advice on this. Ive tried settin up code words with her so that when I use a certain phrase she knows what i would like, and gave her a code word to use also, but it never worked. I also have tried kissin her ears kissin her neck rubbin her arm, and carressin her but the signal does not seem to go through. What do I need to do to get my point accross so I can give her the intimacy she wants, but also let her know what i really want without havin to be crass like stating - lets fuck hun , talkin bout the opposite of romantic, you know what i mean?????
please help me here
Okay, just so I'm straight: you've had sex before right? And you know how that works, where to put the penis, etc? Sounds like you might be a little rusty, maybe you don't have a wide array of tricks in your bag either, but what I'm hearing is a difficulty in a) signaling her that you're in the mood for lovin', and b) getting her to catch your signals and respond to them favorably.
So, the first thing we need to figure out is whether she really wants to have sex with you or not. Depending on the lady, this could be a level that will get unlocked once you work on that first question with some success (be romantic, it's the little things!). If my man never said much, grunted a lot, exercised zero nuance most of the time, and was awkward with his advances, I might not be in the mood for sex all that often either.
But this, my Latin-phrased friend, is fixable too. I think you'll find that making an effort with the little things will in short order open up her legs for that big thing you're hiding in those jeans, pardner.
If not, come back and see me. Women are complicated, but sometimes we're really simple. Help out around the house, notice us, show us you care, and we'll show you our kitty.