Hello,
I am sure I am not the only man on the site that has experienced this, but I am struggling with this situation. My wife lost interest in sex years ago after our kids were born. We have read books, tried all the relationship improvement...bring the romance back things, but she has not responded. She occasionally goes through the motions but that has become more and more infrequent. Almost not existent. In fact, when we do have sex now, she says it is painful for her. Her doctor says that her vagina has atrophied. (Use it or lose it folks) So I am now on the once or twice a year program. No foreplay, just get it over with. Not exactly romantic or even erotic.
So, I find myself in a very awkward situation. I love this woman. I intend to spend the rest of my life with her. In every other aspect of our lives, she is my perfect partner. I took a vow to not be with anyone else and intend to honor that promise. This leaves me quite sexually frustrated. I am not ready to stop having sex, but I really have no choice in the matter. It makes me angry that one partner can just decide that sex is over for both. She sees a therapist and we have tried couples counseling, but there has been no progress in the area of sex. She seems to just be working out her mother issues. (Incidently, her mother did the same thing to her father. They did not even sleep in the same room for the last 30 years of his life.)
Masturbation is really my only option at this point and she usually expresses annoyance if I do this when she is around. She says it makes her feel guilty. So, apparently, I am responsible for her feelings in addition to my own. Of course, I could continue while she is there, but it is hard to be aroused when you are being glared at or she huffs out of the room. So now I feel like I have to sneak around like a teenager hoping his parents don't catch him. Not feeling very manly here.
I seriously have run out of ideas here. Since I am committed to the marriage, I just don't see any way around this. I doubt that you will have any suggestions other than couples counseling, which we have tried.
So there it is Aunt Olivia. Any suggestions?
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Not ready to give up sex
Quote by Bunbury1
Hello,
I am sure I am not the only man on the site that has experienced this, but I am struggling with this situation. My wife lost interest in sex years ago after our kids were born. We have read books, tried all the relationship improvement...bring the romance back things, but she has not responded. She occasionally goes through the motions but that has become more and more infrequent. Almost not existent. In fact, when we do have sex now, she says it is painful for her. Her doctor says that her vagina has atrophied. (Use it or lose it folks) So I am now on the once or twice a year program. No foreplay, just get it over with. Not exactly romantic or even erotic.
So, I find myself in a very awkward situation. I love this woman. I intend to spend the rest of my life with her. In every other aspect of our lives, she is my perfect partner. I took a vow to not be with anyone else and intend to honor that promise. This leaves me quite sexually frustrated. I am not ready to stop having sex, but I really have no choice in the matter. It makes me angry that one partner can just decide that sex is over for both. She sees a therapist and we have tried couples counseling, but there has been no progress in the area of sex. She seems to just be working out her mother issues. (Incidently, her mother did the same thing to her father. They did not even sleep in the same room for the last 30 years of his life.)
Masturbation is really my only option at this point and she usually expresses annoyance if I do this when she is around. She says it makes her feel guilty. So, apparently, I am responsible for her feelings in addition to my own. Of course, I could continue while she is there, but it is hard to be aroused when you are being glared at or she huffs out of the room. So now I feel like I have to sneak around like a teenager hoping his parents don't catch him. Not feeling very manly here.
I seriously have run out of ideas here. Since I am committed to the marriage, I just don't see any way around this. I doubt that you will have any suggestions other than couples counseling, which we have tried.
So there it is Aunt Olivia. Any suggestions?
I clearly have no great solutions to you considering I'm barely out of my teens...so I shan't pretend to give any legit advice.
But have you tried specifically *sexual* counselling for the pair of you or just couples counselling? I volunteer at an establishment that offers both these forms of counselling and they are quite different forms indeed.
I hope someone here can offer you something! All the best..
Quote by LittleBambi
I clearly have no great solutions to you considering I'm barely out of my teens...so I shan't pretend to give any legit advice.
But have you tried specifically *sexual* counselling for the pair of you or just couples counselling? I volunteer at an establishment that offers both these forms of counselling and they are quite different forms indeed.
I hope someone here can offer you something! All the best..
Thank you for the reply. We did couples counseling, not sexual counseling. I did not know there was a difference. I will have to look into that. Then I will have to see if I can talk her into going. I think she would. I don't think that she likes the way she is sexually, but she also has pretty much given up on herself in that regard. The challenge will be to convince her that she is not a lost cause. Definitely worth trying, though!
Thanks again.
Active Ink Slinger
You are not alone my friend, I am in similar situation married over 35 years known each other since she was babe in arms, love her and hate her cannot live with her or without her life a bitch.
Have considered dating sites even registered but cannot cope with the being disloyal so stick. Have a few Ideas and my hobby of photography is helpful, have been a bit of a voyeur all my life but at the moment it appears all there is, may just have to find a girlfriend who is in the opposite camp husband lost interest or cannot perform and wants to keep wife happy.
Can ever live in hope.
Have considered dating sites even registered but cannot cope with the being disloyal so stick. Have a few Ideas and my hobby of photography is helpful, have been a bit of a voyeur all my life but at the moment it appears all there is, may just have to find a girlfriend who is in the opposite camp husband lost interest or cannot perform and wants to keep wife happy.
Can ever live in hope.
Active Ink Slinger
I find myself in a very similar situation; married for 47 years, committed relationship, my commitment to vows I made, an otherwise good wife and companion. Only difference is that I don't get that "... once or twice a year ..." stuff; our only physical contact is occasionally holding hands.
She says that there is nothing wrong with her and doctors agree that physically she is fine. I've considered "dating" and our daughter has suggested that I find a woman with whom I could have sex without [the woman] demanding commitment from me for anything other than sex. So far, the "guilt factor" has only permitted me masturbation and has allowed me to let a [female] friend at work wank me a few times when she saw me in real need.
Is there any solution? So far, only a few understanding friends who encourage me to remain faithful and who are willing to chat with me and encourage me while I take matters into my own hands.
You are not alone.
She says that there is nothing wrong with her and doctors agree that physically she is fine. I've considered "dating" and our daughter has suggested that I find a woman with whom I could have sex without [the woman] demanding commitment from me for anything other than sex. So far, the "guilt factor" has only permitted me masturbation and has allowed me to let a [female] friend at work wank me a few times when she saw me in real need.
Is there any solution? So far, only a few understanding friends who encourage me to remain faithful and who are willing to chat with me and encourage me while I take matters into my own hands.
You are not alone.
Gramps
The quiet and always horny old guy in Sunny Florida USA
The quiet and always horny old guy in Sunny Florida USA
Active Ink Slinger
Man, this is bad, and i personally think this relationship is on borrowed time. I could not be in a sexless relationship, but thats just me, but tell me, if you're not having sex, to me, your not in "love". Heres simple, whats the difference between loving each other, and just being very close friends? Sex, right? I have friends, im not "in love" with them, but i do love them, you know...i a siblingy sort of way, how is this different? Your not having sex, which is my mind is the phsysical act of being in love (others are welcome to dismiss this as, this is on my own view point on "in love"...), this fizz has gone, so now, to all intents and perposes, your just two very good friends, who show light emotional connections, and happen to live together...i could say the same about friends that i've never had sex with at all....
Ok, solutions, i reckon this is tricky, very tricky, you might not even want to hear about it....So....the worst case scenario...move on? Stay friends, strike up a new love with somebody else. Sounds heartless in essense, but, your already being fair to her as you are, but....are you being fair to yourself? You deserve to be happy. It also sounds quite awful, that your masturbation sessions have to be kept on the low down, i think her self-esteem could be to blame, but really, is it fair that you have to carry the emotion burden for two people? Ironic that you masturbating, makes her guilty for knowing thats the only option of fulfilment you have available, which in turn, makes you feel guilty for making her feel guilty.....c'mon she's backing you into a corner and you're running out of choices.
I understand if you confirmed to stay with this woman, the breaking up is definately not an option, if thats what you have decided, which leaves, convincing her to become sexally active again (which is sounds as if all effort on that score has already been exhausted), or having sex with somebody else while staying emotionally in love with her (a very risky path...)
I think you need to sit down together and really dig into this problem, be firm but fair, dont try to force anything from her, but, do make sure that she knows down to a T, exactly how you feel. Tell her that you swore to defend your honour in marriage, but that untimately, the full picture of the relationship at present, does not meet your needs. I think from your post, you wont be keen on having sex with somebody else, which means, your commiting to unfulfilment with your current wife unless she changes her stance, then, unless you are prepared to move on, your going to be doomed to your once-every-six-months-no-foreplay-dull-as-hell sex session.
Its such a bad state of affairs, i really feel for you man, because i know i would hate, and couldn't personally, be in your situation. Its on you, but i only see a couple of choices (because you've already tried counselling). a)Move on and try to stay friends b) Stay emotionally involved and married, but have another sexual partner c) Do everything in your power to make her sexually active again, and make sure she is aware your marriage is at stake, and, encourage her to masturbate when you aren't there (you could even buy her some lingerie or a sex toy). I cannot, by principle, give you advice to encourage you to stop neededing sex, we have instincts and requirements which should not be hindered, in fact they should be encouraged, to me, a sex life is as important as eating and sleeping, therefore, it is against my every fibre, to tell you to stop needing sex, i just dont roll that way.....
So, its on you, are you going to commit and stay doomed, or change something....?
Ok, solutions, i reckon this is tricky, very tricky, you might not even want to hear about it....So....the worst case scenario...move on? Stay friends, strike up a new love with somebody else. Sounds heartless in essense, but, your already being fair to her as you are, but....are you being fair to yourself? You deserve to be happy. It also sounds quite awful, that your masturbation sessions have to be kept on the low down, i think her self-esteem could be to blame, but really, is it fair that you have to carry the emotion burden for two people? Ironic that you masturbating, makes her guilty for knowing thats the only option of fulfilment you have available, which in turn, makes you feel guilty for making her feel guilty.....c'mon she's backing you into a corner and you're running out of choices.
I understand if you confirmed to stay with this woman, the breaking up is definately not an option, if thats what you have decided, which leaves, convincing her to become sexally active again (which is sounds as if all effort on that score has already been exhausted), or having sex with somebody else while staying emotionally in love with her (a very risky path...)
I think you need to sit down together and really dig into this problem, be firm but fair, dont try to force anything from her, but, do make sure that she knows down to a T, exactly how you feel. Tell her that you swore to defend your honour in marriage, but that untimately, the full picture of the relationship at present, does not meet your needs. I think from your post, you wont be keen on having sex with somebody else, which means, your commiting to unfulfilment with your current wife unless she changes her stance, then, unless you are prepared to move on, your going to be doomed to your once-every-six-months-no-foreplay-dull-as-hell sex session.
Its such a bad state of affairs, i really feel for you man, because i know i would hate, and couldn't personally, be in your situation. Its on you, but i only see a couple of choices (because you've already tried counselling). a)Move on and try to stay friends b) Stay emotionally involved and married, but have another sexual partner c) Do everything in your power to make her sexually active again, and make sure she is aware your marriage is at stake, and, encourage her to masturbate when you aren't there (you could even buy her some lingerie or a sex toy). I cannot, by principle, give you advice to encourage you to stop neededing sex, we have instincts and requirements which should not be hindered, in fact they should be encouraged, to me, a sex life is as important as eating and sleeping, therefore, it is against my every fibre, to tell you to stop needing sex, i just dont roll that way.....
So, its on you, are you going to commit and stay doomed, or change something....?
Advanced Wordsmith
Well I a am a 71yo and live alone. Masturbation is the only thing that keeps me sane. Love chatting to young nubile women,but, they take one look at the age and say "No thanks".
So I just keep on keeping on and hoping that some younger female (who likes older men) will read this and take pity
So I just keep on keeping on and hoping that some younger female (who likes older men) will read this and take pity
Thanks for the responses. Sorry to hear that I am not alone in this. It is definitely a difficult situation. I think you summed up the options pretty well. For now, the plan is to try to find some solution to bringing some desire back for her. I am working on getting her and I to a sexual counseler.
Coincidentally, we just rented and watched the movie "Hope Springs". Very interesting movie about a husband and wife that found themselves roommates after years of marriage. The wife wants sex, but the husband does not. They end up at a counseler and it comes out that she was the one who stopped the sex years earlier.
Movie had a happy ending with the counselor helping them work it out.
The movie led to some good conversation between my wife and I.
We'll see where this leads, but I am cautiously optimistic right now.
Thanks again for the comments. The support is appreciated.
Coincidentally, we just rented and watched the movie "Hope Springs". Very interesting movie about a husband and wife that found themselves roommates after years of marriage. The wife wants sex, but the husband does not. They end up at a counseler and it comes out that she was the one who stopped the sex years earlier.
Movie had a happy ending with the counselor helping them work it out.
The movie led to some good conversation between my wife and I.
We'll see where this leads, but I am cautiously optimistic right now.
Thanks again for the comments. The support is appreciated.
Active Ink Slinger
Not a dissimilar background although my once a month 'in-out-sleep' makes me feel spoiled in comparison to your bi-annual fest! I took the other route and took what is colloquially known as 'friends with benefits'. Although I had sex in one form or another (hand, oral, vag, anal) 80 times last year (I kept count) with three different women I still feel incomplete. I would love to have a single wife/partner who lives with me and makes love to me.
I therefore have a suspicious based on my own experience that you are looking for more than just sex.
I would suggest that you can only resolve your dilemma from completely inside your marriage or completely outside of it.
Your quick 200 word precis is little to go on but have you tried to increase the tactile side of your relationship
How about having a set period each week, say every thursday night for an hour, which is dedicated to you massaging your wife. Plenty of relaxing oils - lavender is very good but there are others. Absolutely enforce your own rule that there is no intimacy, no hidden agenda no searching out or 'accidentally' touching your wife's obvious and even less obvious erogenous zones. Focus exclusively on say shoulders and back, move on to thighs, calves and feet in due course.
Don't treat it as foreplay for either sex or jacking off. Treat it as a way only of increasing the touching between you. Don't demand or even ask that she reciprocates, she will do so when she is ready.
If it achieves nothing more than leading you to hold hands every time you go out then you have gained. Given that you plan to stay married for life you might have 30 years or more of celibacy. Don't try and resolve this on day one. If it leads to more in 1yr, 5yrs 10yrs time then even better
Good luck my friend
I therefore have a suspicious based on my own experience that you are looking for more than just sex.
I would suggest that you can only resolve your dilemma from completely inside your marriage or completely outside of it.
Your quick 200 word precis is little to go on but have you tried to increase the tactile side of your relationship
How about having a set period each week, say every thursday night for an hour, which is dedicated to you massaging your wife. Plenty of relaxing oils - lavender is very good but there are others. Absolutely enforce your own rule that there is no intimacy, no hidden agenda no searching out or 'accidentally' touching your wife's obvious and even less obvious erogenous zones. Focus exclusively on say shoulders and back, move on to thighs, calves and feet in due course.
Don't treat it as foreplay for either sex or jacking off. Treat it as a way only of increasing the touching between you. Don't demand or even ask that she reciprocates, she will do so when she is ready.
If it achieves nothing more than leading you to hold hands every time you go out then you have gained. Given that you plan to stay married for life you might have 30 years or more of celibacy. Don't try and resolve this on day one. If it leads to more in 1yr, 5yrs 10yrs time then even better
Good luck my friend
I feel your pain. Although we're not in the no-sex stage, it's definitely heading that way. We used to have fun two or three times a week. Now, it's down to once a week. Usually has to be a Saturday or Sunday night. During the week, forget about it. Adding to our fun, she decided she no longer enjoys French kissing. I've explained how that kind of gets me fired up, but it doesn't matter to her.
I wish I had a solution for you regarding your situation. You've talked. You've seen a counselor. Nothing changes. I guess I'd suggest the tried-and-true, talking with her listening. etc. Sort of move in baby steps, I guess. Maybe she'll come around. I'd give it a year. If nothing changes, may be time to cut bait.
I wish I had a solution for you regarding your situation. You've talked. You've seen a counselor. Nothing changes. I guess I'd suggest the tried-and-true, talking with her listening. etc. Sort of move in baby steps, I guess. Maybe she'll come around. I'd give it a year. If nothing changes, may be time to cut bait.
Active Ink Slinger
i was a woman that was married to a man who never wanted to have sex with me
crazy right we hear all about men who have this issue but never women
as i said on loving husband's post
when we VOW to love in our marriage vows it means sex people
if we wanted to pay for roomates we would not get married
having sex is part of love
i dont know how people we marry can just say um yeah i dont want it anymore but hey YOU HAVE TO BE FAITHFUL to me for the rest our of lives
oh and the counseling thing...good luck three therapists all told him sex was apart of marriage
but all he had to say was they were wrong
so here it is..she is not going to change..for i believe from my own experience they are PISSED off about something or they dont LOVE us as much as we love them
sure after decades of marriage are ya having as much sex as the beginning..no..but some..some hello YOU LOVE this person
how dare they expect us to love THEM when they dont love us
so get help but to me..she gave you the answer..no
am so sorry i feel YOUR pain i have lived YOUR pain..it hurts to be denied by the love or YOUR life...hurts like hell
but sometimes we need to save ourselves...give her an ultimatum
marriage means sex unless of course she couldnt have it do to an injury then that is when the death do us part comes into..play
crazy right we hear all about men who have this issue but never women
as i said on loving husband's post
when we VOW to love in our marriage vows it means sex people
if we wanted to pay for roomates we would not get married
having sex is part of love
i dont know how people we marry can just say um yeah i dont want it anymore but hey YOU HAVE TO BE FAITHFUL to me for the rest our of lives
oh and the counseling thing...good luck three therapists all told him sex was apart of marriage
but all he had to say was they were wrong
so here it is..she is not going to change..for i believe from my own experience they are PISSED off about something or they dont LOVE us as much as we love them
sure after decades of marriage are ya having as much sex as the beginning..no..but some..some hello YOU LOVE this person
how dare they expect us to love THEM when they dont love us
so get help but to me..she gave you the answer..no
am so sorry i feel YOUR pain i have lived YOUR pain..it hurts to be denied by the love or YOUR life...hurts like hell
but sometimes we need to save ourselves...give her an ultimatum
marriage means sex unless of course she couldnt have it do to an injury then that is when the death do us part comes into..play
Active Ink Slinger
oops missed the vagina being atrophied
but here is the thing on that is the VAGINAL canal still pliable??
or has her uterus atropied???
is she on hormones either bioidentical or real??
have you pursued that route too as well as a sex therapist which was a really good sugggestion for a teen you rock honey
sorry went back and re-read this after i vented as she does have sex with your 1 or two times a year
this so sounds like a hormonal issue if everything else is good
also is she on any med that might inhibit her sex drive..so many drugs have sexual side effects
just a few thoughts..ok
but here is the thing on that is the VAGINAL canal still pliable??
or has her uterus atropied???
is she on hormones either bioidentical or real??
have you pursued that route too as well as a sex therapist which was a really good sugggestion for a teen you rock honey
sorry went back and re-read this after i vented as she does have sex with your 1 or two times a year
this so sounds like a hormonal issue if everything else is good
also is she on any med that might inhibit her sex drive..so many drugs have sexual side effects
just a few thoughts..ok
Active Ink Slinger
There are a lot of us older guys in this situation. I'm not so uptight I won't try other things so I've turned to bi sex. I find that since there are so many of us there are a lot of giving this a try at an older age. I still love women and would prefer a female but I'll take a nice cock to play with also anytime. Try it, you might like it.
Advanced Wordsmith
I have the same situation but i don't have sex at all. She went through the change and that was it. We don't even sleep in the same room anymore. It sucks but thats how it is. Would i see someone else? Why not, it wasn't my decision.
Active Ink Slinger
Even if the vagina is atrophied, her clitoris should still be doable, right? And her mouth? So shift to oral pleasuring. But, dude, seduce her all over again, every single time. You have to show her you want HER, not just the sex.
Active Ink Slinger
First, I'm sorry to hear of your situation. It's always difficult when something like sex is taken off the menu without your input or consideration.
I was in a pretty similar situation when I was married. I've touched on it a few times in other threads but perhaps this thread seems most appropriate. I was married to a wonderful man who, by all accounts, was my perfect match. We were on fire when we were dating as well as during the first 4 years of our marriage. After about 5 years, I started to notice his interest in sex dimish significantly. At first, I didn't know how to talk about it with him and instead chalked it up to a phase we were going through based on what my friends would tell me. Fast forward to 16 years later and I ended up spending a good part of those years completely celibate because sex apparently just wasn't important to him anymore, period. Like any good catholic wife, I blamed myself for his lack of interest and spent years trying to be the 'perfect' woman to no avail. I eventually found out that he was having some erectile problems that he was embarassed about. Secretly, I was relieved and encouraged him to visit his doctor to enquire about Viagra and was once again so excited at the thought that I would once again have a sex life. He refused which not only confused me but wounded me deeply which then turned into anger and resentment. Basically, he pulled sex off the table without even considering MY feelings in all of this.
Needless to say, the lack of intimacy between us was taking it's toll and spilling over into everything else. I was so angry with him for being unbelievably selfish and resentment grew like cancer to the point where I started to get physically sick. Here I was, married to the love of my life, the father to our beautiful son, my soulmate, with whom I vowed to be married to till death do us part, through good times and bad, through sickness and health but I was absolutely miserable and slowly dying a little bit inside with every passing day. I was WAY too young to give up sex for rest of my life and yet he was not willing to meet me half way despite his claims of loving me more than life and not wanting me to leave him. I struggled for YEARS with what to do, what was the right thing to do for me, for my family, struggled with with what I was willing to live with or live without. Thanks to some amazing individual counselling, I came to very difficult decision to leave my husband after 20 years together. That decision took a good 3 years and it took another 4 years from the time I announced I wanted a separation to finally living on my own again. I still mourn the death of my marriage and family and feel like a failure BUT I am so much happier on my own and have absolutely no regrets - I know it was the best decision for everyone. Thankfully, my ex and I have worked through many of our problems and have come out the best of friends which definitely helped with the healing process.
Bottom line, marriage or any relationship is a two way street and life is too short to be unhappy or unfulfilled and especially sexless (unless that is something you both want). It's admirable that you are committed to your wife despite the situation but you may have to ask yourself how long can you continue on before that love and patience and understanding turns into deep resentment and anger? Because it will, trust me on this. Unfortunately, I don't have any answers for you, only my own experience. Your wife is a very lucky woman but you deserve to be happy and fulfilled as well. Whatever you decide, I wish you only the very best life has to offer you
I was in a pretty similar situation when I was married. I've touched on it a few times in other threads but perhaps this thread seems most appropriate. I was married to a wonderful man who, by all accounts, was my perfect match. We were on fire when we were dating as well as during the first 4 years of our marriage. After about 5 years, I started to notice his interest in sex dimish significantly. At first, I didn't know how to talk about it with him and instead chalked it up to a phase we were going through based on what my friends would tell me. Fast forward to 16 years later and I ended up spending a good part of those years completely celibate because sex apparently just wasn't important to him anymore, period. Like any good catholic wife, I blamed myself for his lack of interest and spent years trying to be the 'perfect' woman to no avail. I eventually found out that he was having some erectile problems that he was embarassed about. Secretly, I was relieved and encouraged him to visit his doctor to enquire about Viagra and was once again so excited at the thought that I would once again have a sex life. He refused which not only confused me but wounded me deeply which then turned into anger and resentment. Basically, he pulled sex off the table without even considering MY feelings in all of this.
Needless to say, the lack of intimacy between us was taking it's toll and spilling over into everything else. I was so angry with him for being unbelievably selfish and resentment grew like cancer to the point where I started to get physically sick. Here I was, married to the love of my life, the father to our beautiful son, my soulmate, with whom I vowed to be married to till death do us part, through good times and bad, through sickness and health but I was absolutely miserable and slowly dying a little bit inside with every passing day. I was WAY too young to give up sex for rest of my life and yet he was not willing to meet me half way despite his claims of loving me more than life and not wanting me to leave him. I struggled for YEARS with what to do, what was the right thing to do for me, for my family, struggled with with what I was willing to live with or live without. Thanks to some amazing individual counselling, I came to very difficult decision to leave my husband after 20 years together. That decision took a good 3 years and it took another 4 years from the time I announced I wanted a separation to finally living on my own again. I still mourn the death of my marriage and family and feel like a failure BUT I am so much happier on my own and have absolutely no regrets - I know it was the best decision for everyone. Thankfully, my ex and I have worked through many of our problems and have come out the best of friends which definitely helped with the healing process.
Bottom line, marriage or any relationship is a two way street and life is too short to be unhappy or unfulfilled and especially sexless (unless that is something you both want). It's admirable that you are committed to your wife despite the situation but you may have to ask yourself how long can you continue on before that love and patience and understanding turns into deep resentment and anger? Because it will, trust me on this. Unfortunately, I don't have any answers for you, only my own experience. Your wife is a very lucky woman but you deserve to be happy and fulfilled as well. Whatever you decide, I wish you only the very best life has to offer you
Quote by BelleduJour
First, I'm sorry to hear of your situation. It's always a difficult when something like sex is taken off the menu without your input or consideration.
I was in a pretty similar situation when I was married. I've touched on it a few times in other threads but perhaps this thread seems most appropriate. I was married to a wonderful man who, by all accounts, was my perfect match. We were on fire when we were dating as well as during the first 4 years of our marriage. After about 5 years, I started to notice his interest in sex dimish significantly. At first, I didn't know how to talk about it with him and instead chalked it up to a phase we were going through based on what my friends would tell me. Fast forward to 16 years later and I ended up spending a good part of those years completely celebate because just wasn't important to him anymore, period. Like any good catholic wife, I blamed myself for his lack of interest and spent years trying to be the 'perfect' woman to no avail. I eventually found out that he was having some erectile problems that he was embarassed about. Secretly, I was relieved and encouraged him to visit his doctor to enquire about Viagra and was once again so excited at the thought that I would once again have a sex life. He refused which not only confused me but wounded me deeply which then turned into anger and resentment. Basically, he pulled sex off the table without even considering MY feelings in all of this.
Needless to say, the lack of intimacy between us was taking it's toll and spilling over into everything else. I was so angry with him for being unbelievably selfish and resentment grew like cancer to the point where I started to get physically sick. Here I was, married to the love of my life, the father to our beautiful son, my soulmate, with whom I vowed to be married to till death do us part, through good times and bad, through sickness and health but I was absolutely miserable and slowly dying a little bit inside with every passing day. I was WAY too young to give up sex for rest of my life and yet he was not willing to meet me half way despite his claims of loving me more than life and not wanting me to leave him. I struggled for YEARS with what to do, what was the right thing to do for me, for my family, struggled with with what I was willing to live with or live without. Thanks to some amazing individual counselling, I came to very difficult decision to leave my husband after 20 years together. That decision took a good 3 years and it took another 4 years from the time I announced I wanted a separation to finally living on my own again. I still mourn the death of my marriage and family and feel like a failure BUT I am so much happier on my own and have absolutely no regrets - I know it was the best decision for everyone. Thankfully, my ex and I have worked through many of our problems and have come out the best of friends which definitely helped with the healing process.
Bottom line, marriage or any relationship is a two way street and life is too short to be unhappy or unfulfilled and especially sexless (unless that is something you both want). It's admirable that you are committed to your wife despite the situation but you may have to ask yourself how long can you continue on before that love and patience and understanding turns into deep resentment and anger? Because it will, trust me on this. Unfortunately, I don't have any answers for you, only my own experience. Your wife is a very lucky woman but you deserve to be happy and fulfilled as well. Whatever you decide, I wish you only the very best life has to offer you
Incredible lady..... I can so relate to your story.... a marriage in which there is no loving, intimacy, affection, tenderness, caring, sex.... is absolute misery! You try and do everything you can and get no response. What else is there to do but part ways!
Active Ink Slinger
Please look into Traditional Oriental Medicine for her. A really good doctor of TOM might be able to prescribe an herbal solution, or herbs plus acupuncture, but I would also suggest looking into qigong for you both. What type? Zhineng qigong, or as it has been renamed by the primary teacher in the US, Chilel Qigong. There should be a chilelqigong,com or chilel.com web page, and you can order books. Doing these exercises several hours a day should cure damn near anything, up to and including cancer. As for herbs, several months may do the job. As for qigong, if you both do it together you reinforce each others' progress and you get to do a special thing together. The teachers in the US are the Chans, and when they teach they are usually in Northern California. Good luck to you both.
Active Ink Slinger
I can totally understand how you feel. I'm only 36 as is my wife but I'm lucky if it's one every 3-4 months. We have known each other for 25 years since we started highschool but went or superstructure ways and both married and divorced before meeting up again. Every day a little piece of me dies add I feel she had no ingest in our relationship at all yet wants me around. Anger and resentment do start to surface after a while and I try so hard not to let it show. In the end I guess we all have to do what's best for ourselves. I got divorced from a sexless marriage and then found out she was having an affair. Out of the frying pan into the fire you might say. I can't comment on your personal problem but in the end look after number 1!
Active Ink Slinger
My wife had some kind of jealousy counseling back in the mid-90's.
She's pretty secretive about what they talked about or who with, but she came out of it convinced that sex is degrading and sinful, and has no place in a loving relationship.
Sex immediately went fro three times a week, to three or four times a year, and soon tapered off to nothing; and that's the way it been since 1998, or so.
She's pretty secretive about what they talked about or who with, but she came out of it convinced that sex is degrading and sinful, and has no place in a loving relationship.
Sex immediately went fro three times a week, to three or four times a year, and soon tapered off to nothing; and that's the way it been since 1998, or so.
Active Ink Slinger
yes the wife doesn't want sex anymore though we had a very active sex life with sharing her with other guys, she would fuck anyone if the time was right, now I have to have a male friend to have sex with, sucking him off and he sucks me off, like it just fine now. there is a lot of guys doing it with other guys now.
Active Ink Slinger
I don't know if anyone has mentioned this to you, but here goes....there was a point in my own life when I became completely disinterested in sex. When I would go to the ObGyn for my annual pap and pelvic exams, they would ask me what form of birth control I used, so I told them the Nancy Reagan method...you know, just say "no" method. The doctor told me that I may have a hormonal imbalance and that there were medications that could help me get back "into balance" and begin to have the desire once again. Have they done any tests to see your wife's hormone levels? If not, ask for them. I am sure it is frustrating to your wife as well to know that she is disappointing you. I don't know the dynamics of your relationship other than the fact that you aren't getting any....but I would think that this is the case. Don't give up hope of finding something that will work. It can be like a switch has been flipped and she may suddenly find that she desires sexual intimacy once again.
By the way, I liked what MrLosAngeles said about seducing her all over again every single time. Kudos for that Sir, you are wise beyond your years!
By the way, I liked what MrLosAngeles said about seducing her all over again every single time. Kudos for that Sir, you are wise beyond your years!
Active Ink Slinger
Hi I'm in the same situation as Bunbury, married over 30 yrs, more or less sexless, and nothing in the last twelve months or so and only a hand full of times in the previous 30 yrs . Because of this I've given up on this element of my life. I really feel I've missed out on what could have been a lot of fun and pleasure. But guess that is life!
Active Ink Slinger
I am aware of a couple of men in similar circumstances.
Their only way of achieving relief was to visit prostitutes. It was expensive but satisfying.
One of them confessed to his wife after some time that he was enjoying the pleasure they provided and she accepted the fact. A month or so later she informed him, a widow friend was prepared to offer him the same pleasure - with her acceptance - for free. The relationship has continued for years satisfactorily and with her blessing and knowledge in their own home.
It turned out the wife had suffered sexual abuse by her father for as long as she could remember - what made it worse, it was with her mothers knowledge and approval.
She tollerated her marriage relationship and intercourse for over a year and before trying councelling which didnt solve the problem. She also refused to have children.
This woman is a colleague and a remarkable woman, and the marriage survives happily from all accounts.
Their only way of achieving relief was to visit prostitutes. It was expensive but satisfying.
One of them confessed to his wife after some time that he was enjoying the pleasure they provided and she accepted the fact. A month or so later she informed him, a widow friend was prepared to offer him the same pleasure - with her acceptance - for free. The relationship has continued for years satisfactorily and with her blessing and knowledge in their own home.
It turned out the wife had suffered sexual abuse by her father for as long as she could remember - what made it worse, it was with her mothers knowledge and approval.
She tollerated her marriage relationship and intercourse for over a year and before trying councelling which didnt solve the problem. She also refused to have children.
This woman is a colleague and a remarkable woman, and the marriage survives happily from all accounts.
boss first of all i am emotionally touched by your story..well i think there are not many options.. u can make her realise that it's important for u to be sexually satisfied..u can convince her for the oral sex..if u don't want to dissolve the marriage..have an extra marital affair.. don't let her know about it and don't stop doing little things for her..love her take care of her. if she loves you ,even if she finds out about the affair she will come to accept it. i know this is not a morally correct or ideal solution but it's a practical solution.
Active Ink Slinger
This as been an interesting thread to read, but also a very painful one. I, too, am in the ranks of the forced celibacy group....having gone over 20 years w/o intimacy. Part of that was a desire to stay "for the kids sake" and now its more for financial reasons than anything else. Do I "love" my wife...?? The answer is YES! Am I "IN love" with my wife...?? Sadly the answer is NO and even more sadly she has indicated the same. As has been suggested above, resentment does grow, and with growing resentment, there is little to no communication anymore about much of anything. We can be hours in the house together ... same or adjoining open rooms (LR & DR)...and have little to NOTHING spoken. It almost goes w/o saying we sleep in separate bedrooms and opposite ends of the house.
I wish I could add something constructive / encouraging to this, but I cannot do so at this time. LUSH friendships help, but that can lead to drama and *very hurt* feelings if not handled extremely carefully...be it via computer / phone / or even regular emails.
As a shameless plug, I wrote a 2 part TRUE story that outlines MY LIFE BETWEEN VIRGINITY & CELIBACY. http://www.lushstories.com/stories/love-stories/my-life-between-virginity-and-celibacy-3.aspx#comments I'm 68 1/2 and have been married (2nd marriage) for nearly 42 years and over half of that as been without intimacy / sex. The sun is setting in my life, and I'm pretty much just "resigned" to life as it is now. I'm just much too tired to change anything.
I wish I could add something constructive / encouraging to this, but I cannot do so at this time. LUSH friendships help, but that can lead to drama and *very hurt* feelings if not handled extremely carefully...be it via computer / phone / or even regular emails.
As a shameless plug, I wrote a 2 part TRUE story that outlines MY LIFE BETWEEN VIRGINITY & CELIBACY. http://www.lushstories.com/stories/love-stories/my-life-between-virginity-and-celibacy-3.aspx#comments I'm 68 1/2 and have been married (2nd marriage) for nearly 42 years and over half of that as been without intimacy / sex. The sun is setting in my life, and I'm pretty much just "resigned" to life as it is now. I'm just much too tired to change anything.
Advanced Wordsmith
Quote by Bunbury1
Hello,
I am sure I am not the only man on the site that has experienced this, but I am struggling with this situation. My wife lost interest in sex years ago after our kids were born. We have read books, tried all the relationship improvement...bring the romance back things, but she has not responded. She occasionally goes through the motions but that has become more and more infrequent. Almost not existent. In fact, when we do have sex now, she says it is painful for her. Her doctor says that her vagina has atrophied. (Use it or lose it folks) So I am now on the once or twice a year program. No foreplay, just get it over with. Not exactly romantic or even erotic.
So, I find myself in a very awkward situation. I love this woman. I intend to spend the rest of my life with her. In every other aspect of our lives, she is my perfect partner. I took a vow to not be with anyone else and intend to honor that promise. This leaves me quite sexually frustrated. I am not ready to stop having sex, but I really have no choice in the matter. It makes me angry that one partner can just decide that sex is over for both. She sees a therapist and we have tried couples counseling, but there has been no progress in the area of sex. She seems to just be working out her mother issues. (Incidently, her mother did the same thing to her father. They did not even sleep in the same room for the last 30 years of his life.)
Masturbation is really my only option at this point and she usually expresses annoyance if I do this when she is around. She says it makes her feel guilty. So, apparently, I am responsible for her feelings in addition to my own. Of course, I could continue while she is there, but it is hard to be aroused when you are being glared at or she huffs out of the room. So now I feel like I have to sneak around like a teenager hoping his parents don't catch him. Not feeling very manly here.
I seriously have run out of ideas here. Since I am committed to the marriage, I just don't see any way around this. I doubt that you will have any suggestions other than couples counseling, which we have tried.
So there it is Aunt Olivia. Any suggestions?
I guess I'm not very qualified to give you any advice, haha, but I do have some thoughts.
Have you ever tried anything that doesn't involve actual penetration? (because you said it's painful for her...) I know you said she doesn't really want foreplay, but I feel like that could really help... Would she be okay with you giving her oral sex?
I don't mean to sound like I'm insinuating that you're not, but maybe try being a bit more selfless in bed. Maybe you have a night that's just for her, and you can try to get her to orgasm, even if it's just her experimenting to see what she still likes and doesn't like. Then you can go from there??
I mean, maybe if she's more into it, then having sex would be easier. (And I mean, it's kind of wrong that she makes you feel bad about masturbating, but I can see how it might make her feel bad too... but I mean, is it hard to masturbate in secret, or at a time that you know she won't find you??) Or even give her the option to help you out when you masturbate...maybe she can do it for you . I mean, I don't really know how much she is open to...
Another option, if she's willing, you can probably find some type of lotion or gel (like ky or something...) that stimulates her? Or even, if it's something that she wants to work on, she could take some type of hormone(pill?) that increases her sex drive...?
Anyway, I think that at the end of the day you have to think about it, and see that sex isn't everything. If you love her, like you say you do, and if sex is something that's painful for her, it just doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.
Well, I hope this helps, like I said, I'm not really qualified to give any advice, but I hope something here sounds helpful.