Ok so I've gotten into a rather bothersome and confusing situation and don't know what to do. So here it is... I was with my ex for 7 years and broke up about 6 months ago. Before we split we were fighting a lot and a friend of ours (I'll call him C) basically took care of me and helped me through everything. Somewhere along the lines we both developed feelings for the other but didn't act on them sense I was still taken. After my ex and I split, I got together with C which was okay for a time. Things have gotten rather confusing for me lately though, C still has strong feelings of guilt about ever wanting to be with me. He doesn't think a guy should develop feelings like that. They are no longer friends and it turned out my ex was cheating on me, so I fail to understand the guilt he's feeling. He knows I have feelings for him and he for I but his guilt is stopping us from being happy together. As it stands I'm trying to give him time to deal with his feelings but I don't know if I'm wasting my time hoping for something that isn't going to happen. I guess I should also note that I'm currently living with C. I'm just looking for any unbiased help on what I should do and explaining the guilty feelings better. Thanks to all!
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Hi Echo!
Sorry to hear of the drama that has evolved.
My first thought is that there is that "secret code" that friends have. The one where "you don't fck your friend's ex".
That in itself may be the sole culprit for his guilt.
Regardless, some good discussions would be in order ... especially since you now live with C. Hopefully he will arrive at the conclusion, you would have broken up with the first guy once you figured out he had been cheating on you ... and you would have been available after that breakup.
All is fair in love and war ... or so they say.
I hope things work out for you hunnie ....
Good luck!
Sorry to hear of the drama that has evolved.
My first thought is that there is that "secret code" that friends have. The one where "you don't fck your friend's ex".
That in itself may be the sole culprit for his guilt.
Regardless, some good discussions would be in order ... especially since you now live with C. Hopefully he will arrive at the conclusion, you would have broken up with the first guy once you figured out he had been cheating on you ... and you would have been available after that breakup.
All is fair in love and war ... or so they say.
I hope things work out for you hunnie ....
Good luck!
Active Ink Slinger
Have to agree with Yahtzee....bro code....but you know girls have this code too...u just dont do your best buds gal/girl.
The only way out would be for all three of you to get together and and have your former EX be ok with it.
I am a firm believer in fate...what is def meant to be..will happen....
Plus living in close quarters cannot hurt either....
In the end...communicate and never lie....and u will never ever end up alone.
Hang in there...i think u will have a happy ending
The only way out would be for all three of you to get together and and have your former EX be ok with it.
I am a firm believer in fate...what is def meant to be..will happen....
Plus living in close quarters cannot hurt either....
In the end...communicate and never lie....and u will never ever end up alone.
Hang in there...i think u will have a happy ending
Active Ink Slinger
This scenario has two possibilities:
1. He is grieving over the loss of his best friend and is somewhat placing the blame on you (directly or indirectly) which is causing friction in your relationship.
You need to look at the dynamic of their bro-mance. Did they have a big blow-up when you started dating him and is this the direct reason that they are no longer friends? How deep was their friendship? Were they real friends or more like drinking buddies that hang in the same social circles. This makes a huge difference in interpreting the situation. If they were close friends and now are no longer speaking because C hooked up with you and is now living with you, then he's probably feeling the sadness over losing this friend now. Prior to moving in and as you were hooking up with C, you were both riding the euphoria of a new relationship (and a somewhat forbidden one) at that. This would have been a great distraction for C during the breakdown of his friendship with your ex. In other words he might have thought time would heal the wounds, his friend would forget about the bro-code, or that you were all he needed anyway. At the beginning of a new relationship many people disvalue their friends for a period of time until things settle into relationship-routine. Maybe you're at that point now and he's missing his buddy.
In this case, there is nothing you can really do if you feel him pulling back. He will need to work through it on his own, or contact his friend and see if something can be salvaged. Once your ex moves on to a new girl, this will probably help lower the animosity coming from him. People who are happy tend to be less invested in being angry over past relationships.
Now... if these guys were casual friends, part of the same social circle, or just drinking buddies and you feel C pulling away from you regardless of the fact that you're living with him, it could be due to possible situation #2
2. He jumped into things too quickly with you, is having second thoughts and is using the excuse of 'guilt' over hooking up with his friend's ex-girlfriend as a way of winding down your relationship.
Think about it this way. People hate the drama of break-ups. We all look for reasonable explanations or excuses to offer someone when we want to end a relationship. Your situation has one built in: the "oh my god, I feel so guilty" rip-cord that can be pulled when he wants out (for whatever reason). The thing is... if he was that close to this friend to begin with, how much guilt is he really suffering? He knows his buddy was cheating on you, and you got together with him after it was all over. You also called C "a friend of ours" which means that he was in neutral-zone... not just allied with your ex-bf. So the idea of bro-code might be more of a grey zone in this situation. I should also say that if a relationship is going great, most people can get over the guilt... know what I mean? If your relationship with C is currently floundering or on the rocks for a number of reasons, he might just be using this as a way out or setting things up for the eventual break-up.
And lastly...
Being with someone for 7 years and then hooking up with someone immediately after that relationship ends and moving in together sets up all kinds of rebound complications. You were needing someone, and this guy filled the void. You didn't have time to really heal from the end of your original relationship and C's previous ties to your ex brings a whole lot of baggage into your new relationship. It might be time for both you and C to take a step back from the intensity of everything and see if what you have is real and something you both want to fight for, or if the relationship served it's purpose for that moment in time in helping you get over your ex and being that forbidden excitement that has just ridden out it's euphoric high now that reality has set in.
1. He is grieving over the loss of his best friend and is somewhat placing the blame on you (directly or indirectly) which is causing friction in your relationship.
You need to look at the dynamic of their bro-mance. Did they have a big blow-up when you started dating him and is this the direct reason that they are no longer friends? How deep was their friendship? Were they real friends or more like drinking buddies that hang in the same social circles. This makes a huge difference in interpreting the situation. If they were close friends and now are no longer speaking because C hooked up with you and is now living with you, then he's probably feeling the sadness over losing this friend now. Prior to moving in and as you were hooking up with C, you were both riding the euphoria of a new relationship (and a somewhat forbidden one) at that. This would have been a great distraction for C during the breakdown of his friendship with your ex. In other words he might have thought time would heal the wounds, his friend would forget about the bro-code, or that you were all he needed anyway. At the beginning of a new relationship many people disvalue their friends for a period of time until things settle into relationship-routine. Maybe you're at that point now and he's missing his buddy.
In this case, there is nothing you can really do if you feel him pulling back. He will need to work through it on his own, or contact his friend and see if something can be salvaged. Once your ex moves on to a new girl, this will probably help lower the animosity coming from him. People who are happy tend to be less invested in being angry over past relationships.
Now... if these guys were casual friends, part of the same social circle, or just drinking buddies and you feel C pulling away from you regardless of the fact that you're living with him, it could be due to possible situation #2
2. He jumped into things too quickly with you, is having second thoughts and is using the excuse of 'guilt' over hooking up with his friend's ex-girlfriend as a way of winding down your relationship.
Think about it this way. People hate the drama of break-ups. We all look for reasonable explanations or excuses to offer someone when we want to end a relationship. Your situation has one built in: the "oh my god, I feel so guilty" rip-cord that can be pulled when he wants out (for whatever reason). The thing is... if he was that close to this friend to begin with, how much guilt is he really suffering? He knows his buddy was cheating on you, and you got together with him after it was all over. You also called C "a friend of ours" which means that he was in neutral-zone... not just allied with your ex-bf. So the idea of bro-code might be more of a grey zone in this situation. I should also say that if a relationship is going great, most people can get over the guilt... know what I mean? If your relationship with C is currently floundering or on the rocks for a number of reasons, he might just be using this as a way out or setting things up for the eventual break-up.
And lastly...
Being with someone for 7 years and then hooking up with someone immediately after that relationship ends and moving in together sets up all kinds of rebound complications. You were needing someone, and this guy filled the void. You didn't have time to really heal from the end of your original relationship and C's previous ties to your ex brings a whole lot of baggage into your new relationship. It might be time for both you and C to take a step back from the intensity of everything and see if what you have is real and something you both want to fight for, or if the relationship served it's purpose for that moment in time in helping you get over your ex and being that forbidden excitement that has just ridden out it's euphoric high now that reality has set in.