In need of some bedroom advice and help

24 Sep 2013

I am sorry this will be long but i need to be very clear.

I am married to the most wonderful husband, we are very much soul mate and best friends. Our relationship is one that makes others wish they had one like ours.
However in the bedroom its a completely opposite story and after 12 years i need to talk about it and get advice as i am feeling very lost and having thoughts. Even though we have tried nearly everything from role play BDSM to the most sensual love.

Firstly hubby is small in the penis and after having children i am not what i use to be either, so the friction isn't there as much, even though this is annoying this is not by any means the bigger issue. We do use a range of positions and have found the ones that work better for us.

The issue is ever since we have been sexual his staying power has been very short and it is getting worse. He is 40 yrs old and in pretty good health. We can get him to cum before we have intercourse but this doesn't really change the length of his time before he cums.
When i say the length of time i mean 30 secs to a few minutes when we both don't move.

He is very insecure and disappointed in himself and works so hard on everything else to "make it up to me" as he tells me. This makes me feel very selfish even though i dont ask for the extra attention and i try very hard to comfort him and not show my frustrations. But i have found while in my 30s i have been wanting more.
We have talked and tried many techniques and toys but i feel every time i bring this up it puts hubby into a spiral.

It has only been lately that i have been thinking how other men feel, what it would feel like to be fulfilled and maybe reach an orgasm through intercourse, i have only been with my husband and have never thought nor wanted to cheat on him and still dont!. But my personal frustrations are getting to me and at times affecting my own ability to orgasm, as i am so worried about him and going into sex with an outlook of disappointment from the start. So i decided to come on lush for help and maybe a little pleasure at a huge cost of personal guilt.

Any advice on this topic would help me heaps, also even a kind word to let me know i am not going crazy..

24 Sep 2013

I am sorry to hear about your frustrations. Has your husband talked to any doctors about this? Have you tried any of the "staying power" (numbing) lubes? We were experimenting around and tried one once and it worked (a little too well) on me.

25 Sep 2013

I think it is very common to be unable to have orgasm just by intercourse without direct clitorial stimulation. Can it be possible for you to not be so dependent on the penetration? He can give you orgasms with his mouth and fingers, perhaps some anal play or toys, and then penetration as a conclusion for his orgasm. And perhaps just jacking him off or giving him orgasm with a blowjob.

The anxiety of performance from his side can make the whole situation worse. If you give up on goal of penetrative orgasm, it may be more easy for him to enhance his performancee due to reduced anxiety.

There are also some techniques for him; start stop, where you masturbate him almost to ejaculation, and then squeezes hard at the penis root to stop it, several times. This can enhance staying power. Sex therapists can give advice.

25 Sep 2013

I agree with Elling50. He could also do some exercise. Stimulate up to the orgasm and then keep from cumming by using the muscle a guy uses to hold his pee. Train that muscle and he'll have an easier time keeping at it.

25 Sep 2013

Thank you to all, all great advice. However we have been working with a sex therapists for the last 5ish years, thing have gotten a little better but it is still what it is. I think we have tried nearly every toy some good and other not so much.
I understand what you are saying Elling 50, and i have never depended on pure penetration, my issues are in my mind, worrying about him to much even though he just wants me to enjoy and "let him do his job" as he tells me. god love him..
I just wish we could enjoy intercourse together.

26 Sep 2013

For the longest time I had some issues with premature ejaculation and found that a desensitizing condom (Trojan makes one its called Extended pleasure) worked well for me. I found it as much a mental issue as a physical one and the condom helped me break the "self fulfilling prophecy". I have also been using a testosterone booster and found it to be a help as well. You may also try some kegal exercises ( I know I spelled it wrong ) to tighten you up a bit and help with your enjoyment. I see that you have tried lots of toys, have you tried a penis sleeve also called an extension it can add some length and girth to your hubby as well as keep him from becoming over stimulated, I hope you find a solution a great emotional relationship is really hard to find, you are obviously committed to each other and love each other very much. As a side note my wife had a hysterectomy 10 weeks ago and over the past 2 weeks we have been trying unsuccessfully to have intercourse, so I can understand some of your frustration (you have dealt with it far longer than I) and the anguish of seeing the one you love in emotional pain. GOOD LUCK and keep us posted!!

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