Help! I didn't know he was married!

18 Dec 2011

This question was sent to me anonymously by a Lush member:

"I fell in love with this guy (he is also in love with me) and it was going great. We have a lot in common, and for once I felt like everything was going in the right direction. I was happy and always smiling (which is actually something I rarely do). But a little while ago, an unexpected roadblock, a very big brick wall smacked me in the face (not literally of course), he is still married (he told me he was divorced, i actually found out that he was married by his wife) Long story short, the father in law called me and sounded like he was blaming it on me. After awhile, the guy started talking to me again and explained everything (complicated marriage that he has been trying to get out of since even before I started talking to him.) i'm still in love with the guy (he still loves me), yet i'm still hurt. And i'm slightly worried because the father in law has my number, and next week the guy is leaving and moving back to his home state away from his wife so he can finally get his divorced. (i'm worried that the father in law will keep calling me asking where he is.) So do you think I should stay in this and maybe change my cellphone number or, or should I just give up?"

The first issue in this situation is that this man deceived and lied to you about something extremely important. Given this kind of blatant and ongoing deception, this has to force you to question if the other things he has told you are true either. I might have given him a little more leeway if he had been separated at the time instead of totally divorced but clearly living in separate places from his wife and living mostly separate lives aside from the legal delays of an actual divorce. In this case it sounds like he was in the midst of playing both you and the wife at the same time. Otherwise the 'father in law' wouldn't have gotten involved and the wife wouldn't be having a meltdown.

Don't take the idea that he is finally moving back to his homestate and actively dissolving the marriage as a signal that it's because of his overwhelming desire to be with you. It's quite likely that after the wife and her family found out, they kicked his ass out of the house and he fled because he didn't really have a choice either way. If he had known right from the start that he wanted to be only with you then he wouldn't have played both sides of the fence for as long as he did. The fact that it was his wife that found out on her own and then chose to inform you of the situation speaks volumes.

Now it would be wrong of me to prejudge a situation based only on my superficial knowledge of it. There have been cases in the past where the 'other woman' gets her man in the end and gets the coveted title of wife #2. He may very well pursue this divorce properly and decide that you're the one he wants to start a new life with.

But...

Tread lightly, please. This situation is filled with potential landmines and emotional-bombs.

This guy will be going through a lot at the moment and probably has his plate filled while trying to start a new life and then dealing with legal disasters and a furious ex-inlaw family. It will be easy for him to want to cling to you initially as a safe supportive oasis that can offer him the relationship-style support he's obviously used to. Once the smoke clears however and he is totally single, he might not be in the same headspace. He might start wondering how serious he wants to get about a new relationship or he might decide that marriage is a trainwreck he never wants to get on board with again.

I would advise you to take things slowly and back off for now. Let this guy get his shit in order, so to speak. It will also diffuse the jilted in-laws if you stay out of the picture and fade into the background for now. They will probably be watching you through gossipy social circles, checking your facebook and whatever online information there is about you. You would be smart to avoid associating with him publicly. Don't forget that during this divorce, proving that there was infidelity will better their case and you're about to become the pawn in that scenario. Take a step back, do your own thing, and if after this guy settles into his new single life, you both decide that you want to try a real relationship, then I think it's marginally reasonable to consider it.

I won't get into all the red-flags and warning signs about starting a relationship with a proven cheater and liar, because Olivia assumes you already know about all those things already. happy8

Still, love is strange, and you have to follow what you think is best for you. Just be cautious and think with your head before giving away your heart for good.

3 Jan 2012

(I know i sent it privately but I don't care if people know it was me now) But I wish I saw this when it was posted instead of just today haha. I wish I did tread lightly. On the first day of the new year, she turned around and said she was pregnant. So I got kicked to the curb like I was nothing.

But I don't get it, he told me that when it comes to marriage, he believes marriage is 50/50. He siad if one of the people in the marriage doesn't have a job, then they would cook and clean. She is diagnosed as being bipolar, and he has told me she does not take medicine and she does not do anything (no job, doesn't cook or clean). But now all of a sudden his belief about marriage being 50/50 is thrown out the door.

I always kept telling him I was worried about what was going to happen, and he kept telling me I had nothing to worry about, that he would be mine. But, I guess I did have a lot of worry about which sadly makes me feel like a complete idiot.

I do know the redflags and warning signs about starting a relationship with a proven cheater or a liar.

4 Jan 2012

Quote by smoothwetkitty
which sadly makes me feel like a complete idiot.

Oh for goodness sakes. You're 19 and feel like an idiot? At least you've gotten to feel something.

A lot of people never even get to experience that.

I'm 52 in another 2 months and I've felt like an idiot more times than I can count. The 1st time hurts, the last time, hurts the worst. Come'on girl...you weren't the 1st person to get played.

You can either become a player yourself (which would mean you don't really have a conscience yourself) or you can continue risking to get played.

I'd go for option #2, if I were you. It's better that way.

A door closes and two windows of opportunity open. Will you be ready when those windows open up?

Don't let that stuff get you down for more than a few days. A married man found you attractive, guess what... that means that prolly 3,000 unmarried men find you attractive - now you get to select the one you want!

Go forth and play. evil4

Nicely.

The same GQP demanding we move on from January 6th, 2021 is still doing audits of the November 3rd, 2020 election.

4 Jan 2012

Well Made has a good point - I'm (ahem) close to his age, and for all the heartbreaks I've endured, the prospects were tenfold. And so many others came out of the woodwork after the fact. And I'm no stud, and don't even own a sweet kick-ass muscle car. I'm just an average guy, with an average everything, and with that had to rely on just being myself. But there are so many people out there that click with me, and likewise. We often forget what a big world it is until we're forced to step outside of our own. Give it a chance - and yourself. And this is old advice but at near 50 I can say it's true - time will heal.

4 Jan 2012

Quote by WellMadeMale

Oh for goodness sakes. You're 19 and feel like an idiot? At least you've gotten to feel something.

A lot of people never even get to experience that.

I'm 52 in another 2 months and I've felt like an idiot more times than I can count. The 1st time hurts, the last time, hurts the worst. Come'on girl...you weren't the 1st person to get played.

You can either become a player yourself (which would mean you don't really have a conscience yourself) or you can continue risking to get played.

I'd go for option #2, if I were you. It's better that way.

A door closes and two windows of opportunity open. Will you be ready when those windows open up?

Don't let that stuff get you down for more than a few days. A married man found you attractive, guess what... that means that prolly 3,000 unmarried men find you attractive - now you get to select the one you want!

Go forth and play.

Nicely.

I know I'm 19 and have my whole life a head of me and yes I know I'm not the first person to get played.

The thing is I'm actually really shy, and I hate feeling vulnerable that's why I never used to open my heart up to anyone, then once I did the only thing that ever happens is I get hurt.

And I know I shouldn't go for option #1, by going with option #1, I would end up being like my one friend and I don't want to be like that.

3,000 unmarried men liking me isn't right because most men in my city are shallow.

31 Jan 2016

Quote by WellMadeMale

Oh for goodness sakes. You're 19 and feel like an idiot? At least you've gotten to feel something.

A lot of people never even get to experience that.

I'm 52 in another 2 months and I've felt like an idiot more times than I can count. The 1st time hurts, the last time, hurts the worst. Come'on girl...you weren't the 1st person to get played.

You can either become a player yourself (which would mean you don't really have a conscience yourself) or you can continue risking to get played.

I'd go for option #2, if I were you. It's better that way.

A door closes and two windows of opportunity open. Will you be ready when those windows open up?

Don't let that stuff get you down for more than a few days. A married man found you attractive, guess what... that means that prolly 3,000 unmarried men find you attractive - now you get to select the one you want!

Go forth and play.

Nicely.

Wow my 19 year old self was kind of dumb. I didn't chase after him, I actually told him that (dating) relationship wise, I wanted nothing to do with him. We stopped talking for a few months and then we ended up just talking as friends. Turns out he had been upset that I "broke it off.." OH WELL. He did get his divorce but I guess he got what was coming to him because after I broke it off, he got drunk a few nights and in one of those nights, he had sex with some chick and she got pregnant. Glad my dumbass went with option 2.

31 Jan 2016

I was 29 and briefly had a fling with a married man. Unbeknown to me I thought he was a fully single dad. Until I said to him "I am going to say I did a lot of sexual shit in my life but I know I have never done this and that, slept with a married man."

Then he was like "Hold up I am actually legally married."

I was life fuck off.

31 Jan 2016

After college, I had friends who were in grad school - Comparative Literature - and I used to go to some of the parties. At one of the parties, I met a guy who was a TA - attractive, soft-spoken. He asked if I wanted to have coffee with him some day. We both worked on campus, and I said ok. We met at the North Campus coffee shop. He bought a small can of pineapple juice. I got a coffee. When we went to the cash register, he was shaking like a leaf. I thought that was so weird. We sat and talked for a while, and he seemed extremely nervous. I never saw him again. I was later told by one of my friends that he was married. I was not that into him, but suddenly, it all made sense. I guess he was testing the waters.